Grandma refuses to get an MRI. Her memory problems are clear to everyone else. But she insists that she is just fine and says she feels like everyone is "railroading" her. I know that her doctor says we need to be firm and let her know when she has forgotten something, mixed things up, or is confused.... but she gets defensive. He feels its just age related dementia, but wanted an MRI just incase. I want her to get the MRI so that if there is anything we can do to slow down the progression of memory loss, we can do it before things get worse. I feel like we are in a race against time and the longer we wait, the more of grandma we are going to loose. I've been doing everything i can to keep her in her home and keep her independent... but I know that if things get much worse, i will not be able to provide much more help. I am afraid that at this rate, it won't be more than a few months before something drastic happens and she is back in the nursing home. Winter is coming, and we live in an area with harsh winters.. i live only two miles from her home.. but two miles can become impossible in some of the storms we get. My gut is just tied into knots right now thinking about her and winter. I don't know if i'm really looking for advice, because i know i cannot force her to do anything, and its clear that at this point i cannot reason with her. She's enough with it, that i don't think we can declare her incompetent.. and i don't want to do that any way....I wish there was an easier solution to all this mess.
Please tell me that someone understands how frustrating, heartbreaking and overwhelming this all is? I don't think my family would get it.. my mom would, but i don't want to talk to her about it, she has finally gone back to school and for the first time in her life she is happy and working towards doing something good for herself, and i want her see her succeed.
What difference does it make (to borrow a well-worn phrase) if you absolutely 'know'. It's usually obvious to those around her that she does have a some sort of dementia. You live around it, letting her believe she's okay. She knows she's not okay, but her pride is in the way. At some point, her executive functions will go, reasoning will be impossible, and the list goes on.
She's old. Let her be old and die a peaceful death without all the ridiculous testing they do today. There's nothing that can be done for this except perhaps control it with psychiatric medicines.
Forget it. Enjoy her as she is. Life is short. Nobody lives forever. We are all going to die. Quite frankly, I'm sorry my mom had open heart surgery at the age of 83 (anesthesia has been found to increase dementia); I'm sorry she had knee replacement surgery at the age of 86 (once again, anesthesia didn't help the memory) and I'm sorry she allowed the doctors to remove her nipple at the age of 86 because she had a lump that could have been cancerous. I mean, gees, how long would it have taken the cancer to spread? The recovery times for these surgeries (esp the open heart) were ridiculously long and painful for her. And it's when we started to see the signs of dementia.
While we all believe we are improving our longevity, what we're really doing is prolonging death. I like to say the doctors put them together in their eighties and start taking them apart in the 90s by having to remove medicines that are affecting the kidneys (which, btw, function at less than optimal levels by the time they reach that age. Plus they're on special diets that don't include the foods they love, which is ridiculous. At least let them be happy.
I thought I was doing wonderful, i.e., got her great medical care, gave her a better diet, etc., etc. only to watch her descend into further dementia along with loss of eyesight and hearing. It's the saddest thing I've ever seen. The body is great, the mind is gone. And the brain is the very organ that is us. When it's gone, we are but a shell.
If we had a magic wand, we would wave it , and our loved ones would be better. Doctors want to cure, they feel helpless at decline and death. They will have your grandma taking tests till her last breath. You have to accept that you can't slow down or stop the decline to death. When you accept that your loved one will decline and die, you will make the move from cure to care. When you come to acceptance, life becomes easier, you stop taking on impossible burdens, and you enjoy the time you have left. . Listen to what your grandma wants. Give her that dignity.
Can you move her to your home, or move in with her for the winter? Your mother needs to be a part of this decision. I made the mistake at underestimating how strong and resilient my Dad is,and had many hours of needless worry till I trusted him.
Burnout is a real problem. Make the suggestion to get the MRI, then let it go. Life is messy, and you can't control outcomes. Caregiving is a marathon, not a sprint. You will never make it to the end, if you can't learn to let go, and let God. Finally trust your gut. Good luck honey. You are doing an impossible job, well. I am proud of you for stepping up. We are here for you.
The drugs used to slow it down are of questionable value when the cause of the dementia is simply old age.
Also, trying to reason with a person who has dementia is a fool's errand. Insight is one of the first things that goes.
It sounds like you're arriving at this reality on your own. It's hard to see someone we love slowly fade. We should all die in our sleep after a healthy, happy life.
Try to enjoy your grandmother on her terms for the time she has left. That's the race against time you should be running, rather than racing to try to cure her.
I agree with the other posters - a doctor who would advise you to point out your grandmother's memory lapses to her is not a very good doctor. My mom has severe short-term memory loss at 94. But we've never had an MRI done on her and she's doing just fine. So I don't believe an MRI is a necessary thing for good treatment of your grandmother. If you come at her from a more accepting place instead of an accusing place (you forgot this and your forgot that and you need an MRI so we can prove to you that your brain is broken), you may find your grandmother will be more open about her fears and loss of memory. My mom is very open with me because I tell her that her memory loss is probably caused by the medications she takes for her heart and there's nothing she or I can do about that. We laugh about it, because that's all we can do.
So step back, relax and know that you CANNOT control this situation. You can only control how you react and being stressed and making yourself sick with worry won't help you or your grandmother. Hugs to you!
As for the MRI, as vstefans points out, it will not produce definitive results anyway. (And the doctor who recommends it sounds like an idiot.) My husband was treated for his dementia at the Mayo Clinic. He was in a research study and worked with one of the foremost researchers in the country. Part of the protocol (for research more than for the patient) was an MRI at several points along the way. My husband never had one because he had a pacemaker. This did not prevent the doctor to diagnose his type of dementia (verified by autopsy after death) and to treat him very effectively.
Don't stress out over the MRI. It really wouldn't buy Grandma much, and she is opposed to it.
And don't follow her doctor's advice to rub her nose in every memory lapse and every evidence of confusion. No point to it. Cruel besides.
As your dear GM develops symptoms, treat them appropriately. Treatment might include just keeping her safe, not allowing her to be alone during storms, perhaps some meds if she becomes depressed or paranoid, or delusional, etc. I don't mean stand by and do nothing if there are constructive things to do, but don't stress out thinking you can prolong her life. My goal for my husband was always to do what I could to maintain the quality of his life. I think that is about all we can hope for with dementia.
Would your grandma like to live where her husband is? If not now, perhaps eventually as she fails more?
Blessings on you for doing your best for GM. It is a hard blow to accept that our best often can make only small differences. But they are differences worth making.
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