My dad and I are the only people who care for her. She is 93. As of last week, she has started accusing my dad and I of stealing gardening tools (of all things) and of taking her old lawn mower and replacing it with a newer one without telling her why. For this reason, she is not even allowing us entry into the garage. Last week she insisted we return the house keys and call before we come. We have been doing her yard, banking, shopping, picking up prescriptions, and taking her to the doctor (IF it is one she wants to see) for almost 10 years now. She has never found fault with anything we do. Not a day has gone by that one of us has not spoken with her to be sure she is safe and doesn't need anything. She frequently doesn't hear the phone for the whole day, so 3 to 4 times a month, we have to go over there. Thankfully we end up laughing about it and have a nice, short visit.
She made me promise to tell her if she was starting to show these signs, but with her being so adamant and aggressive about the garden tools, I don't think she will be receptive to me telling her that I am worried about her mind. I'm worried about her safety especially since she refuses to own a cell phone or an emergency alert device. She's very hard of hearing and she doesn't see well. She does take decent care of her daily living tasks and keeps herself and the house mostly tidy. She will not let one of us stay with her, even when she has had overnight hospital procedures and definitely not a "stranger" (caregiver). I am scared we might have to get outside help, but who? And how do we go about it without her thinking we are out to get her or her money. We are very comfortable financially, and just want her to be comfortable in her home for as long as it is possible. I would do anything to help her stay there until her time comes, but as of last week she's convinced of this crazy theft narrative. I am not taking it personally or arguing with her, because I have a medical background and have been studying about this behavior...but I know it is time to take care of her medically and for her safety. ANY suggestions are more than welcome 🙏
You and your father visit her together, social visit, keep it relaxed and upbeat. When grandmother is in a nice, calm place, clear your throat and remind her of what she told you to do. Keep your comments short and clear. "We have noticed this. On Tuesday, this happened. For example, such-and-such." All you're doing is explaining why you are concerned, and asking her to allow you to help her.
It could be something really simple and easily treated, so don't let anxiety about her reaction stop you intervening.
If she *does* react badly, then leave as soon as she tells you to. Document the conversation. Write down a kind of journal of changes and incidents you've noticed, and contact APS or your local Area Agency on Aging for advice (depending on how vulnerable you consider her to be).
BarbBrooklyn mentioned a UTI and she is correct to point this out. I would try to get her seen for this, just to discount it. If she has one, she can be treated with antibiotics and she may return to her "old" self (no pun intended). But if she has one that is not treated, it may turn into sepsis and further impact her health.
Your dad (hoping he is her durable PoA) should make it a priority to secure all her sensitive financial information. He needs to go to her bank with the original legal papers of his PoA and arrange to have authority over her account(s) so he can continue working as her advocate. Secure her checkbooks, credit cards, license, passport, anything that may be a tempting, easy target for visitors into her home, or that she may misplace. On the main page of this forum you can find articles about the types of care that is available in your situation. Please have your dad read up on it. Also, educate yourselves about dementia. Teepa Snow has some very informative videos on YouTube. This is enough for now. Come back to the forum as its participants have rich insights that will save you and your dad much effort. Let us know how it goes. I wish you all the best! May you have peace in your hearts as you help your grandma in the coming months!
If that doesn't work you may end up having to hire someone in spite of her objections.
One thing that has worked for me has been hiring someone without the care patient knowing the person is working for her. I have hired a person to "visit" Mom on occasion so that Mom gets to know her first as a person. Then I have suggested that the person become more involved. Very gradually it has become a good situation for Mom. But it had to be on the sly. She never would have accepted a caregiver from the beginning.
Good luck.
so do the best you can, keep her close and comfortable.
Get anyone she will trust to get her checked. This could be very treatable.
If If you've had medical background then you know she's no longer capable of making the right decisions for her health and safety. POA needs to get those keys and at least have copies made because who knows what is lurking in the garage. Paranoia and delirium and hallucinations are all involved with dementia. If she refuses to go to Dr, take her anyway. She cannot be left alone any longer wether she likes it or not. You've got to remove yourself from daughter role and step into caregiver role. Having had medical experience you already know this. Good luck!!!
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