Is this going to be the future from now on?
Bedrooms and bathrooms are upstairs, my grandmother is 98 and still wants to spend days downstairs in the living room, she still has full control of her bladder and bowels, but has stopped going upstairs to the bathroom during the day and call me what you like but didnt even figure it out until afew days ago, because shes been sneaking into the kitchen and peeing in cups, just caught her pooing in her hand and putting it in the bin and washing her hands.
it isnt incontinence as she will wait till i pop to the shops or go into the garden.
she had poop all over her hands/fingernails(she cant even see well enough to clean her hands) just pretended that i needed to wash her hands.
how do i confront this behavior or modify it?
Adult incontinence undergarments are one option, getting grandma a portable commode on first level is an option, getting her into managed care is an option. I don't see an option to demand that grandma climb up to the bathroom when she has to go. Grandma already decided she can't do that, for whatever reason. :-/
Do you have a doctor who can advise you about this, xxxxxxxxx? I'd want someone to look at my grandma and tell me if her mobility is worsening, if her mind is worsening, what is it that has caused her to choose pooping in her hands as a viable option here. That didn't come from nowhere and nothing.
I feel you. You should be allowed to write your frustration without being judged. People here are just trying to help. I was faced with the same challenge (kinda) MIL recently flooded her house. She is staying with us till the house is repaired. She can't do steps so she has to sleep on our couch .She won't stay in the handicapped room at the hotel the insurance company is paying for. She can't negotiate our toilet cause it doesn't have railings to help her up. The first week was a sh*t storm. Toileting wasn't an issue. I have been her care giver for 6 years. This was unacceptable. I tried everything but our toilet is in a bad spot that doesn't allow for alterations. The portable toilet was humiliating for both her and I. (even with the screen). I finally found a free standing toilet rail that I could shimmy into our bathroom....she still couldn't get up. I put my foot done. I stopped "accommodating" her. Her dementia didn't allow for specific instructions but I started making her lift herself on an armed chair. When she would complete the therapy (fought me the whole way) I would give her Jello with whip cream.(sounds stupid but the reward stimulates more then the cognitive thoughts she struggles with.) After 2 days the patience paid off. She does it on her own.
My point is, you need to do the thinking for her. If you have the money could you get one of those stair lifts? Build an extra down stairs bathroom (increase value to your home) rent a porta potty for outside or build an out house? Use diapers. Only you know your situation. Be happy she didn't fall down the stairs...I'd rather deal with the sh*t storm then the guilt. Also the sh*t under the nails. I use a nail brush on her...after many trying times of me brushing under her nails, she does it herself (kinda). I also make sure the nails stay very short with frequent trips to the nail salon (nice for both of us) {I make sure the nails are clean before we go}.
Good luck
Around the same time in a particular decline, some people lose: (a) continence, (b) mobility, (c) ability to coherently speak (aphasia). These are connected with a specific decline in both cognitive health and physical health. It is a difficult time to manage, but it is not as impossible as it seems. I will provide some general advice, and if you want more specifics, please let me know.
I would suggest several things: (1) toileting schedule, (2) get your grandmother to the upstairs when you go out of the house and have her watch TV or something there. If you fear that she may fall, then you might want to put a stair gate up.
Here is the thing that many do not tell you, this challenge with continence gets worse, significantly worse, and often these things are heads-up that dementia is getting worse. I can honestly tell you that you will be surprised at what you can cope with, when you remove the emotional stigma around things, and make them more routine in approach. Another thing you can do is get the night-time diapers for day time if you are out for a short period to help reduce the chance of incontinence for that period.
You want to start right now and start to trim her fingernails. I am sorry this is miserable to do. But you need to do that so you can also keep her hands and fingers clean.
firstly, im not in this for money, she is in my home, i work from home and am very very successful as it is and i have nothing to gain(i would only an equal share between 5 family).
she already uses a commode which i clean 3 times a day, i cook every meal, make every hot and cold drink, i cut her hair, i cut her nails, all on top of all the normal household duties.
"Who else is living in the home, so they could protect grandma" this is the first post ive put up, i came to this site to share the story and perhaps get some help and support, didnt think that everyone would be so vile and accuse me of some sort of abuse because i asked for opinions on this issue.
thank you Erinm60 i didnt ask for this job, my sister went to australia and my grandmothers daughter in law and 2 grand children are 8 hour drive away and havnt even called in years.
i thought i was doing the right thing, ive nothing to gain from this, i havnt had a relationship or even a short break in 10yrs and get nothing from the state or her, all i get is a peace of mind knowing im doing the right thing not putting her in a prison/carehome where she knows nobody.
all the stupid comments from Sendhelp, GardenArtist, MsMadge accusing me of some abuse for asking questions is borderline maniacal and they should look at their caregiving, if they are so rude/abusive and angry at a random person on the internet god knows how they treat the poor people they care for.
im done, what a welcome, i wont be back.
If you are this frustrated already, how will you deal with the challenging behaviors yet to come. Please read more about demensia. Prepare yourself. If not, please seek placement for your grandmother.
My mom is in stage 7. She is double incontinent, so yes, I have to change her every 2-3 hours everyday, poop is almost always involved. She can no longer control her hands and arms, so I have to hand feed her and give her drinks. She also has a delayed swallow so I have to carefully watch her as she eats and drinks to be sure she swallow and prompt her when I need to to get her to swallow. Feeding is a slow process. She just "forgot" how to walk one day about 2 1/2 ago, so I have to do a dead lift to move her from her bed to her wheelchair to her recliner. This also requires me to shift her position every 1-2 hours so she doesn't get bedsores. She can no longer sit up well enough to sit on the shower chair, so we give her bed baths and wash her hair in bed three times a week. Mom will often stay up all night... During the mid stages, she walked a lot...all night. Now she can't walk but she talks all night often yelling out "mommy". On those nights I sleep in a chair beside her bed so I can comfort her as much as I can. Taking care of a person with demensia is not easy. It requires patience, love, and understanding. It requires a lot of learning. It requires changing how you do things and how you live your life. I am blessed with a supportive family and friends to help me on the journey.
I suggest you read and watch videos by Teepa Snow and Naomi Feil, also the book titled the 36 Hour Day is very helpful. Much luck to you and your grandmother. Please know that if you ask a question, we will give the best answer we can from our experience.
The fact that gma CAN ambulate up and down stairs occasionally does not mean that she can do so in a timely fashion when she needs to defecate or urinate.
And no, she is NOT is control of her bodily functions if she is peeing in cups and pooping in her hands. The bodily function that is broken is her brain. What she is doing makes PERFECT sense to her.
The next behavior could be that you will discover she has already smeared the feces on the wall, refrigerator door, or even eaten some when you were not observing her.
If you believe she can ambulate up the stairs to the bathroom without pain, then get a schedule and take her to the bathroom while assisting her. Her brain is broken.
What is your age, how will you be able to manage? I interpret your spikey comment as shock and frustration. You can educate yourself about dementia, and here on agingcare
read up. You can start over to address this serious subject.
"but im not willing to go on a downward spiral of indignity.
if i was to do what you guys are suggesting, whats the next abominable behavior to cope with? my mind boggles..."
She's already on a "downward spiral of indignity."
As to the next behavior, why even think of that? Address the existing situation now to prevent a further "downward spiral of indignity."
Are you aware that APS could find you in neglect of her and remove her from your custody, finding a place for her where she's treated with more respect? I'm still curious what kind of responses you expected. The answers are consistent within a general theme, yet they're not what you expected. So what did you expect?
Anyone else see a pattern to the OP's responses? The next one should be the clue.
This to me is so sad.
The women who have responded to your post have been hands on caregivers for years
I am sorry for your poor grandmother and the situation you find yourself in now
Your words are shameful - your grandmother needs care and her needs will only escalate - it is not abominable it is a disease and an awful one at that
Please call your local county agency on aging and have a social worker do a needs assessment - if she qualifies perhaps there is in home care that can help, but if not step up and see she gets the help needed as what will you do when she's bedridden and pees and poops in bed?
You are not in this for the money but for the love of your grandma
im sorry but im not willing to go on a downward spiral of indignity.
if i was to do what you guys are suggesting, whats the next abominable behavior to cope with? my mind boggles...
"toileting issues are often the straw that breaks a caregiver's back" i think you are perhaps correct.
I agree with others - get a commode for her. That's the kind thing to do instead of inferring her actions are comparable to a feral dog. And respect that she's still a woman, a human being, and is probably going through anguish, confusion and a lot more b/c of her dementia.
However, response after CWillie's and Grammy's posts is shocking, i.e., that "im (not???) going allow my grandmother to start going to the bathroom in my living room like ferral dog, she has full control of functions for gods sake and can get up and down the stairs.
this was not the answer i was expecting."
I honestly had to read this a few times to believe something so unsympathetic was posted. What kind of answer were you expecting? Seriously? What other suggestions would you have expected?
Are you medically qualified to determine full bladder and bowel control? Are you also medically qualified to determine that she can get up and down the stairs? If not, you're making observations, rather than fact based conclusions.
Your profile states that she has dementia. Have you done any research at all on dementia and how it affects someone's personal issues, including toileting issues?
The poor woman is embarrassed; have some sympathy for her. Even consider just buying a privacy screen to hide the commode. Or is it that you don't want to empty the commode? And, BTW, your living room must be quite important to you, which makes me wonder how seriously you're committed to keeping her in your home, and why I make the next suggestion.
You probably won't like this, but I'm writing it anyway. If you have so little sympathy, respect and understanding for your grandmother, perhaps APS should be involved to find a place where she does receive that respect. To compare her to a feral dog is really quite cruel. If you don't want her in your house, at least be humane and find a good memory care facility for her.
I'm still shaking my head in confusion at your callous and cruel attitude toward a basic need.
this was not the answer i was expecting.