My mother passed away this week, and I’m lost. I’ve had her with me 15 years 24/7 the last two. What little money I received was for taking care of her. I don’t even know where to start. I know I need a job, but the thought of starting over at 58 is a little daunting right now. Taking care of her was one of the hardest things I have ever done, the emotional roller coaster....But now that she is gone I’m so grateful that I did. The lessons I learned. I want to thank this forum, you helped me through so many tuff times, letting me know I wasn’t alone, that my feelings were normal. Thank you, I will continue to send love and support to all caregivers, for you are all truly angels.
Believe me I know how tough and emotional Your Journey has been with Your Mom because I was on that same voyage with my own Mother, Bless Her Soul. Give yourself time to grieve and to heal before planning for Your future and getting back into the work force again as You need to take time out for You and allow yourself to grieve. Remember
You are not starting over at 58 years of age but rather turning a page and beginning the next chapter in Your Life. Take little steps and when You are ready choose a job that You would really enjoy. I am 58 years too and Mom passed away in June 2016, RIP. Beginning again was not easy because I chose not to go back working at my plumbing & heating business as a Self employed but rather I am now driving Special Needs Children to School in the mornings for a local Taxi Company and collecting these beautiful Children in the evenings and bring them home to their Parents. It's five four hour days and I am delighted with my new Life.
Just the thought of having to find a job terrified me and still does. I pray you figure what to do and that your transition will not be too difficult.
Huggers to you,
linda
Take some time to simply grieve and absorb the fact she's gone, then find ways and things to re-invent your life... (I still have trouble realizing she's really gone...) I've been working on my weight (I gained about 40 lbs. in the 2 1/2 years...) and have lost 47 lbs. since February 13. (I go to WW every week, but do my own "diet" plan, just trying to be mindful and sensible.)
I've joined a group of women - a range of ages and marital status, etc. - in a "Meetup" group. If you don't know what "Meetup" is, just Google it and you'll find a lot of options for meeting other, new and likeminded people. It's a great way to expand your circle of friends, and get together for whatever activities you are interested in... no pressure, nice people, opportunity to discover new interests or get back to those you've neglected.
I think most of all, you just need to be kind to yourself and realize/adjust to the fact that now is your time - you've nothing to feel guilty about - and make the most of "now". Good luck and take care!
Ilona
I’d suggest you gave yourself a moment to just be, feel, REST and breath! Days of just walking around, with no rush, trying to find some sense of peacefulness within yourself. As a caregiver something I miss is to own my time, for example just go to the supermarket not feeling that I’m running against time because I’ve to go back. I know perfectly well that ironically when we lose the reason why we need to go back, the person we love and will always love, we feel empty and lost, but give yourself the opportunity to release your life from pressure, like I said, breath!
And don’t forget that although now it seems impossible, time does make a significant difference when it comes to pain, heart pain that is. Remember that as caregivers we don’t only lose a person we love, but basically our reason for living! Since almost our entire life revolves around them. Give yourself the opportunity to heal from what will probably be the biggest change in your life, then you can go back to the sketching board and figure out what you’d like to do. Age is nothing! A friend of mine recently retired, she is 65, a year later she decided to try to work in a field she always loved: teaching. Started as a teacher assistant and two months into it became a full time teacher, and very happy.
Dont let your age intimidate you! It is your disposition and attitude what matter! That’s why I think you need to let yourself heal a little so that you can get your disposition and attitude back in shape! It will happen, believe me and believe in yourself.
And thanks for calling us angels! I agree that who comes here receives great help, but also develops this wonderful need to help others, so we do become each others angels. This is the great miracle Agingcare facilitates, the miracle of love, understanding, compassion and support.
May God bless you and help you find the hope and light you need to get through this difficult time!
Your words to LIL touched my heart & brought to my mind some words of wisdom & advice my mom would give me. Her time in the memory care unit was short (10 months) compared to most with dementia patients. She did not want to be there & it broke my heart to put her there. I had to work to provide supplemental income & our only source of insurance. I visited Mom for 4-5 hours every Monday - Thursday after work but the guilt never diminished. I was with her as she quietly & peacefully passed, holding her hand, kissing her forehead while telling her "I love you Mom, save me a seat in Heaven & I'll see you later."
About a month before that she would have brief times of coherence when I was able to speak with her like before dementia took over. Mom was always practical & put everyone's needs & desires above her own. That was my sweet, loving mom. It was during those brief times she would always say six little words that helped me make those tough & heart-wrenching decisions, "Just do what you have to do." Those words of wisdom are in my heart & mind to pull out whenever I need them. It's a piece of Mom that I will carry with me the rest of my life!
I know in my heart of hearts that I did the best I could to see that her wishes & desires were carried out. The last words she spoke to me with a loving smile on her face (eleven days before she passed) were, "I wovey you."
My mom was my best friend in the whole world & I miss her more than I can put into words. I will cherish the many good memories we made before & after dementia. <3
You've gotten some sage words of advice here, and I agree that you need some time before you dive into anything... You need to recalibrate your life. Yes, breathe, and take time to clear your physical, mental and emotional space(s) so that you can determine your next step.
Moving away from a job that has been 24/7 to anything else is an adjustment. Even though you may feel a financial strain right now, trust that you will absolutely be able to figure out what you can and will be able to do once the activity, chaos, and challenges that always come when someone we love and care fo passes away. (and we breathe)
Reach out for support from your inner circle and be patient with yourself. You do need some time to figure out the best next step for you.
Wishing you loving memories as you move forward...
Grief is not just about the feeling of loss, sadness and the unrelenting missing of someone. It has complexity and nuance. It also has some unfortunate neighbors than can include depression, guilt, regret, self-recrimination, relief, fear of the future, and so on. Which ones we visit is unique to our personalities but it will help you to know which sub-currents are at work, The advice to pause and breathe would be so helpful to you to be able to gain clarity on all of the emotions at play. You are understandably adrift right now. Walk, talk, journal, sleep, or do whatever slows your mind down.
Caregiving is a notoriously isolating and lonely pursuit for many. It sometimes separates us from a support network that might provide us with a listening presence, hands-on assistance, or a needed respite. Our bodies are not meant to live in overwhelm and a sea of stress hormones but many of us have become habituated to it for lack of alternatives. When our caregiver job comes to a close, independent of our sad emotions, we are still dealing with habituated behavior that has no realistic outlet, yet. I like the suggestions that you begin to enlarge your network through social, spiritual, and recreational avenues that address your habit of being on duty 24/7. Those same people will turn into contacts and leads for employment opportunities when you have a bit of physical and emotional recovery under your belt.
Change toward the unknown often triggers our fear because most of us don't like ambiguity. In your current state of exhaustion and recent loss you are in what I would call a "high soothe" state--you need more comforting and assuring than challenge and uncertainty. Ultimately, your finances will dictate how quickly your have to seek paid employment but I like the idea of easing into it. Incremental and small steps are far easier to take than giant leaps. I had a friend who was remarkably adept at handling change and I asked her what her secret was. It was so elegantly simple: if you don't like how something ends up, you can change it again. I hope that lightens the ominous burden of thinking that you have to decide it all and get it right once. It's not like caregiving.
A final word on how to start when your feel stuck in a feeling of overwhelm-just do what's in front of you. Pick one thing and do it. Then pick the next one. You can't empty the whole basket at once so proceed in manageable steps.
Lastly, have a good day. I don't mean any disrespect for your grief but only that you truly need to have a nice day because you probably haven't one in a long time. Learning to do that is one of the most important new skills for your success in building your new life. Otherwise, you'll turn it into the same nose-to-the-grindstone effort you had to muster for your loved one's challenges.
Comfort and blessings.
I imagine it is similar to people in the service, or first responders. Caregiving is so immediate & demanding round the clock. Going back to a typical job, “please have that memo on her desk by noon” will feel so trivial.
But there is a pleasant stream of life out there. You’ve been running the rapids for so long, it wears you out. Just get in your canoe and float for awhile. Only start paddling again when you feel like it.
I hope you feel better soon! Sending you love & support.