My mother was diagnosed with vascular dementia in Oct 2016. My sister and I had already spent much time with her, especially my sister, due to two rounds of breast cancer, a mastectomy, & daily treatments. I worked full time then but did all I could. After the dx, Sis was given POA, both durable & medical. We put a home equity line of credit in place to make repairs on her home so that when leased, we'll have an ongoing income which will, along with her SS, pay for her AL apartment. While all this was being put in place we traded nights to feed her and stay with her overnight. She was having delusions and was scared to death in her home. She believed people were in her attic and called the police several times. We finally found a nice ALF that we will be able to afford and moved her in on July 15. So now we just have to manage the repairs, have an estate sale, and find renters! Mother will be cared for properly and we get our lives back. So we thought... First 3 weeks Mother was furious and did all she could to get us to take her back to the house that she hated. Made our lives hell. Then she was put on Aricept and everything changed. She was calm and pleasant. Whew, glad that's over! So we thought... I go for a visit and she's really on edge. Says my brother (who is a 65 yo alcoholic) was just there. That night she reverted back to furious. She accused us of taking her money and checks. (She had no cash and willingly gave up her checks previously). This is still the ongoing attitude. Added twist: As I'm paying her bills and checking her account, I discover that my brother's utilities and auto insurance have been set up for automatic draft from Mother's bank account! He can and does work so there's no reason that this should be the case. I speak with my aunt, who advises that the money be moved out of the account and the bank notified not to pay that going forward. I now am pretty sure that brother's visit was what flipped her switch. I believe he wanted money and that's what brought up the problem of her not having her checks. I did switch the account and informed the bank of my reason. Today he picked up mother and took her to the bank. He told them to change the address and phone number on the account - his of course. He is not, has never been a signer on her account, because she didn't trust him (her words). So the banker called me and let me know. The change was stopped but this shows his manipulation of her. Sis and I spoke to an attorney about guardianship but that will cost $12,000 or more. We're not well off. What is the point of spending all her money to protect her money? Either way, it's gone. She can rescind the POA's at any time and then what? He has done nothing to help us with her care. I tried to involve him in the decisions but he wanted to sell her property right away, as is and when we wouldn't agree he never called or showed up again. He didn't speak to Mother for over 7 months until his electricity was turned off. Any ideas or suggestions are appreciated.
There's the possibility of getting a restraining order against him, given his history of violence and abuse of former wives. This isn't behavior that goes away; it's behavior that shows a pattern, and a threatening one at that.
If there's any medical documentation as to your mother's erratic (and I use that term to be explicit, not to be cruel) behavior, I think your sister, if the POA provides such terms, could apply for a PPO on your mother's behalf. That would establish the terms by which he cannot approach or contact your mother....just take him out of the picture entirely.
Has he ever threatened you or your sister? If so, you could also apply for PPOs. You might not get them as you're not in as much danger as your mother, but it might be enough to sway a judge to grant the order if she sees that he's a danger to three members of your family.
If you do apply for one, it would be helpful to includes Affidavits from his former wives as to his abuse. I'm curious: did he abuse anyone who's male, or is it always women?
You could also raise the issue of how upset your mother became after contact with him. If any of her doctors are aware of this, they might write a letter of support to be included with the PPO Petition.
To go forward with a guardianship petition, parties in interest have to be notified of the hearing. I would assume that would include both your mother and brother. That could go two ways. Your brother could appear and "make a scene", documenting his behavior, and/or your mother could become upset when he shows up.
Either way, I think you need to seriously address the issue that if either of them, especially your mother, contests the guardianship, it may be awarded to an outside party. And there goes your control, management, plans, and especially your mother's assets.
My attitude toward "professional" guardians is from seeing how some of them abused their authority and went through money like a child with candy.
Given the dementia diagnosis, you might contact that doctor and raise the issue of your brother's disruptive behavior, and how much it upsets your mother. The doctor might write a letter of support for a PPO, in addition to any other letters you might be able to get from other treating doctors.
One of the issues addressed should be how disruptive his behavior is and the stress and mood swings it causes her. It is NOT in her best interests for him to be in contact with her.
I'm so sorry to hear about everything you are going through. I know you and your sister have given a lot of time and effort in ensuring your mom is well cared for. The actions by your brother is very troubling. I know you do not want to see your mom abused financially. If you can, please consider talking to a social worker or an elder law attorney about all your options. Given your brother's condition, he might continue to try and manipulate your mom. If he received a letter from an attorney, he might back off, but that is hard to say. I'm not sure if you and your sister could confront him and let him know that his actions will not be tolerated. Or see if you mom would want him to have a one time settlement and then revoke any claims he might have in the future.
My sister brought up the idea of a settlement for him to just go away too. That will be brought up to the new attorney. We have an appointment to meet him next week. As for attempting to talk to my brother, that may not be a good idea. It's been a really long time, but he was always physically abusive throughout our childhoods and into our teens. But he was accused of being abusive by each of his 3 ex-wives. My sister is still terrified of him and I would never allow him to get near her. Still another reason to get the guardianship, I know. But, I have to say that he was never convicted of any violence that I'm aware of.
I have moved her money to another account, but at the same bank. I've kept it there mostly because they know me and my mom and they're aware that I have paid some bills for her, corrected problems for her, and I've brought her in for a variety of reasons. I like that they have seen how I've handled her money in the past as well as now that someone is or could be watching. They also have the ability to look at my purchasing activity, almost exclusively by debit card and almost always at locations near her house. There are not many and they are for basic items such as groceries, a few household at dollar stores or home improvement stores and occasional gas purchases (I live over 40 miles away) and until she moved to AL I made the trip 3-4 times per week. They are also aware that I have made deposits to her account for a small loan that she made me before her dementia was bad. This is an extremely small bank and in the last 2 days they've shown just how diligent they really are. I've been informed of his every action and even told me what all was said.
I have read through a lot of these posts and I'm constantly amazed at what some people find acceptable behavior, especially with regard to their own parent(s)! Mother's behavior is now more like a 10-12 year old child, knowing just enough to be dangerous. But, that is due to an illness. It's painful when a parent accuses you of stealing and you only want to care for her. It's unbelievable that my own brother would encourage that delusion to benefit his own bottom line, especially considering the small amount of money here.
Thank you for the opportunity to vent a bilłi
Call the bar association and see if they can help you find a no cost lawyer to handle this for you.
If your mom was diagnosed with dementia then has she been deemed incompetent by two doctors fir handling her own affairs?
If yes then your brother's actions would be seen by the state as elder abuse. Which could result in prosecution.
Once you determine all.if that you should contact DHS or other state protective service asking for assistance to help protect her. That's their job.
Going for guardianship.
The person who mentioned that everyone has to be notified is correct. If you do that and they come to court be there with a lawyer. Do not try and handle that by yourself. Probate judges hate family contention and will take away your POA and appoint an arbitrary guardian. You don't know who it will be.
We had this happen and had to get an attorney to help get rid of the guardian. All we could do is get her replaced.
And my brother had a dpoa.
Family problems are never easy and it leads to tons of stress when it involves any amount of money, no matter how small. The greedy person will think up all kinds of tails against you so be prepared.
Buying them off will do no good either, all they see is an open purse.
Thanks for the feedback on your bank. My aunt has a relationship like that with her bank. It's good to know others are out there. It's certainly made my life easier. (But I would still document every transaction)
I think the real issue here is your mothers safety, not only her money.
Keep reading the posts and you'll see that there are some guardians who will take your mother and you won't see her again and the reason seems to be just because they can because they have guardianship.
You might be tempted to do the same to your brother once you get guardianship. You might be justified if he upsets her like you mentioned.
Being responsible for another human being is never easy. Navigating relationships with siblings can go off in the ditch when least expected. It's very awkward at times to just take right action. He's given you a heads up that he is going to use whatever means to get to her money and doesn't mind upsetting her to do so.
Also be aware that there are parents who will play one child against the other.
You are also right that she could rescind the POA at any time, not so a guardianship.
There are some courts who will take her guardianship and give it to a third party when the children can't agree.
So many sink holes on this rocky road.
The guardianship in your case sounds like a good idea. You have her self paying now. If he takes what's left and it appears she gifted her assets, you might not even be able to get her in a medicaid facility? But shop around like MACinCT suggested.
Good luck and keep us posted.
Although it would probably incur some costs, perhaps the attorney you were working with could send some kind of legal 'cease and desist' documents to your brother and his children. That should include threat of legal action (APS) if they continue to harass you, your sister and/or your mother. Perhaps just a nice visit by APS could put some fear into those taking advantage of mom... It does not necessarily mean that charges would be brought up in the legal system, but it would go a long way to putting a stop to the nonsense. At the least, a restraining order should be put on all of them to stop them from harassing you, your sister and your mother. There is no jail involved UNLESS they break the order, and one of you would have to report it. Even then, if the police got involved, it might just be reinforcement of the orders, not arrest, unless he/they continue their harassment.
Despite what mom feels or felt for him, you *should* put a stop to it! She is in no condition to understand what is going on - it is up to you and your sister to understand it and work to protect her, even if it is from herself. In the end, if he continued to behave like this and eventually end up with being arrested, charged or even jailed, it would not be YOU or your sister that did it to him, he would be doing this to HIMSELF!!
Also, if he is so hard up for a place to live and how to pay for it, where would he ever get the money to hire an attorney, if he could even find one who is enough of a slimeball to take a case like this?
See All Answers