Mom is 81 and is forgetting words, what she did yesterday, what month it is essentially, she gets confused very, very easily. She still works 4 days a week as a hairdresser for people in her own age group. I am fine with that because it keeps her busybody self-busy. The thing is she does things that hurt herself. Like reach for something heavy or gets on her knees for periods of time without a back brace (she has osteoporosis) and refuses to ask for help until it's too late. I live 15 mins away and she will call me to bring her garbage bin back in from the road when she was the one who put it out there. I don't mind helping her but she's the type that "it needs to get done now" and I don't consider it necessary to go do it for her right away.
In Nov I was released from my job due to streamlining of the operations of the company and my name made the list. I get unemployment which helps but the job I do is such a small niche that I cannot find anyone local who will hire me causing me to have to look in other states. My mom really appreciates me being here. I don't know what to do or how to feel. I have informed her of the possibility and she say "go do it, live your life." I also look locally and remotely to find work but am without luck. I'm addressing this work issue on my own but will need to go where the money is. My sisters who don't live locally have been informed too but all is silent about mom. My Sisters don't believe me about mom's condition and refuse to listen to me. I cannot pile this onto my brother's lap because well, he's a guy and he's not very responsive to mom even though he sees what I see. When she needs help he can't always be there. Over the last few years since this started I've reduced my responses to her crises too because they were completely interrupting my work day or I would have to put my life on hold to tend to hers. My current situation is really driving me batty and I hate not being available to help her when she truly needs it. Do I go or do I stay? I literally am the first person mom calls. She told me she feels safe with me and I don't get upset like others do. And no, she's not trying to get me to stay. Mom is very introverted and shy so she doesn't have other people to help her out and besides, she won't ask them. Some of mom's clients don't even know her husband died back in '89. Her life consists of work (a lot of show timing now), her children here, and home. Same route, same stores, same shows, and falls asleep on the couch.
You say “I've reduced my responses to her crises”. She didn’t die, did she? So they weren’t really ‘crises’ – she could cope better than either of you expected.
“She doesn't have other people to help her out and besides, she won't ask them”. If she doesn’t ask them, she doesn’t know who will help. If she tries asking (or hiring), that too may also work better than either of you expected.
“I literally am the first person mom calls. She told me she feels safe with me”. You respond to the calls, so of course you are the first person she calls. No wonder she doesn’t ask other people!
You know quite well that ‘it DOESN’T need to get done right now’, eg taking out the bins. It is manipulative for her to do it because she doesn’t want to wait, hurt herself, and use it to make you feel guilty. You aren't 'guilty' just because her actions try to make you feel that way.
Think about what you have just told us. Of course the way you do it now feels 'nicer' for both of you, but you may be forced to change. You can give yourself lessons, as well as M learning new habits.
She does nothing but tell me DAILY about the "money outgo," and all of her expenses. I relate to this because I must have a life. Lord knows, I've devoted 55 yrs to a narcissistic mother only for her to treat me horribly now that I may be the one to care for her.
I want to literally pack my car & leave, but I feel guilty. Typical, right.
She always needs me asap, always. Trash cans...SUCH A FAMILIAR SCENARIO!!!
She refuses to tell me her wishes for care either. At this point, if I don't leave I'm afraid I'm going to die without a life.
Me, if Mom get get a heavy trash can to the curb, she can get an empty one and put it away. You can diable Mom by doing things she is able to do. Your brother will be alright. Your siblings will need to get more involved. Mom is going to need to learn to do for herself. Her being "I need it done now" just w on't happen. Once your not the option, something else will need to be done. Really, its time to move on and allow others to take the reins.
Of course you can. The days where only women took care of mom are long over! Go where you can make money to LIVE, let brother take over and fill him in on moms cognitive issues and what's going on. Then HE can decide to call in outside help as needed for mom or to place her in Assisted Living if necessary.
We need to stop believing we can be all things to all people at all times. It's a fallacy.
Good luck to you.
I've had to let some things go, and not worry about mom. Like I didn't want my brother taking her to the doctors because her primary doctor has a bump in the parking lot she almost fell once so I know this and watch her, he doesn't know this. And I was worried that he won't watch her. I have recently given up on the worry, because it was literally driving me under the bus. . You can't do it all! And you can't worry everyday of your life without it causing mental harm to you. Let go and let God, I guess
Best of luck to you TD
You have to work to support yourself. If you need to move in order to do that, I would move.
Your mom has already told you that she understands. Even if she didn’t understand, you still have to work.
I understand that your siblings have not made themselves available to care for your mother if you aren’t available.
So, move on and don’t have any expectations about them doing it after you are gone.
Do you think that they would be willing to discuss your mother’s needs and all of you could formulate some kind of caregiving arrangement for her?
I almost always think that the best place for grown children is at least 1,000 miles from their parents. It avoids enmeshment.