I've been overseeing my 93 year old mother's care for decades now, coordinating home care, household needs, repairs, medical, and so on. Her dementia is so advanced now, I felt it best to move her to a memory care place in town where she still can see friends, but has a higher level of care for her condition. Her primary home care person, who genuinely loves my mom, has made this transition very hard, accusing me of callous disregard and so on, really far beyond what any family member would express. This move has cost her dearly financially, so in part I'm sure her horrible comments are fueled by that. She is not alone in expressing their dismay at my decision to move my mother. This move was difficult enough for me to orchestrate and pay for, but I simply don't know how to handle "well-meaning" people who feel it is their right to express negative opinions based on absolutely no knowledge of this place - and virtually no awareness of how I have struggled over the years to keep my mother safe and everything paid for (on a teacher's salary, no less). Is there any advice out there as to how to handle this situation? And thank you...it means the world to me...
Ok, I can understand your Mom's caregiver was now losing a client, but that is the norm in that type of business. It is not fair that she is making such comments about your decision.
Just tell well-meaning people who voice their negative opinion that your decision was the "best" for the care and well being of your Mom. And that your Mom is quite happy there being around others of her generation. That is what my Dad really liked... all new sets of ears to hear his stories :)
When they say negative remarks, I would respond that your decision was to assure her safety and was the best decision for all.
Not that they have any right to comment, but take the high road and let it be. You know in your heart and much better than strangers (essentially office staff or non involved parties) what mom and you need most. Don’t blink an eye or even give an explanation; One sentence will do and you are being gracious with extending even that much information to them. You don’t owe them an explanation.
You need to take care of yourself as well. Your mother is well provided for and has been for years.
If the caregiver says anything again, I would thank her for her exemplary care of Mom, but explain to her that you did not consult her when you decided to place Mom and you’d rather she kept her opinions to herself. Further comments from her will illicit a call to her supervisor.
If not an agency caregiver than I can see her being upset, she lost a job. But, she has no say in family decisions. Your reasoning is none of her business. If Mom is happy then u did the right thing. Caregiving is hard. And there comes a time we just can't do it anymore.
No one who hasn't dealt with a dementia patient round the clock has any right to comment.
Be strong and take care of yourself. Each of us gets only one life to live.
The ongoing problem is who else is involved in ‘expressing their dismay’. Probably the best idea is to drop down your contact with them for several weeks until the initial reactions are over. Just say that you are too busy right now. If you get a second serve later, and you care about the relationship, that is the time to put some energy into explaining why it was the best move. Right now you don't need any of this!
No explanation is needed. You know you’re doing what is best for her and you’ve certainly already done all you possibly could!
Be at peace with that and know that those of us that have been in any similar situation understand fully and would never guilt you over this.
Do not judge lest you be judged! Something like that..? That’s all I’d have to say to them!
The worker has boundary issues to ever share anything of her opinion on this situation! It’s unprofessional at the least and undermining of you. Totally inexcusable and she should be reported either to her boss or her professional liscensing board.
In my experience, the type of people that cross these professional boundaries do it time and time again. As a caregiver we are expected actually care but not so much as to involve ourselves with personal issues related to our clients or patients. She probably took excellent care of your mother and even loves your mom but it does not give her a pass to express any negativity towards this situation.
She was paid for her services was she not? She didn’t go over to your mom out of the kindness of her heart to give her care! She gets no say whatsoever! Shame on her!
Well meaning or not, the comments are hurtful and I would allow great distance from you and your mom for a time. The last thing you want is for any of them to say things like this to your mom and sour her view of the situation and least of all you and your relationship with her. Even with dementia she’s likely to understand just enough of it for this to occur.
Best wishes to you and your mom!
A couple of ladies were criticizing that a daughter would not care for her aging mother. Lots of tisking and general nastiness about the daughter.
this got me so angry that I said "if you have not cared for a relative, like this you have no right to complain!" grrrr
I only care for my mother partly and she is difficult! I cannot imagine taking care of someone 24/7 by myself!
You don’t have to justify why you made this decision. i would tell this person in case she want to continue to visit mom that she is not to undermine your decision to your mother.
As far as others and their comments, simply tell them unless they are willing to become her guardian, conservator and full-time caregiver, they have no say and their comments are not appreciated.
1. Is there someone else willing to take over primary responsibility for your mother? You dont specify who the other people are so I cant say if they should bee sharing an opinion. 2. What were your mothers wishes pre-dementia? Many dont like to hear this but when accepting legal rights over a person you have a legal obligation to do everything reasonable in your power to adhere to their wishes. 3. It doesn't sound like your mother lives with you, are you solely paying for her helper or are others/ state services helping to pay for her care?
Im a "well meaning" caregiver who doesn't actually have legal guardianship so I'm looking at this from the other angle. In my situation the person in charge has been offered repeatedly for someone else to assume legal guardianship but will not hand it over even though they have been freed of all financial and direct care obligations they hold the threat of putting my loved one in a nursing home over our heads. Literally at this point all they have to do is sign paperwork.
Most people on here are directly caring for their loved ones with no help so their answers come from that place. I'm in a different place so I see your post differently...
I expect you're probably doing just fine, especially as whatever they say makes no difference to the reality that you have reached a clear-cut decision based on your mother's best interests.
People do have a right to express their opinions. You have a right to disagree, and you also have the consolation of knowing that their opinion may be based on ignorance or (at least partly) self-interest.
What you object to is not their right to have an opinion, but their presumption in expressing it to you - and only then if it disagrees with your own. You can try to change their minds through better information, you can challenge the presumption, you can thank them for their concern, you can ignore them, you can rebuff them rudely - whatever seems appropriate for the time, place and person. But the only thing that will really help you is focusing on the important thing, which is the welfare of your mother, which you are protecting. Compared to that, what people say is simply not worth your trouble.
Do they mean well, by the way? What is their object? A person "means well" if they bring to your attention something you need to know, in the hope that it will help in some way. These people may or may not mean well. I expect some of them do, and are genuinely concerned to know that the decision is well-founded (it is, you can reassure them of that); but others may just like the sound of their own voices. Don't make excuses for them if they don't deserve it.
Personally I would not engage in such conversations, People have their various motivations - like the caregiver, or others who mean well but are ignorant - which really are not relevant to your decision. One phrase I use to back people off is "Would you repeat that. I didn't quite get it". Usually that deflates the person somewhat and they hear what they are saying which may cause them to think about it. Then I would state my position clearly, without being defensive and change the subject. "Mother will be best off in memory care. Isn't the weather nice today?" This shows them that you do not intend to discuss it. Or you could politely listen to them and then look thoughtful, and thank them for their input and not carry that conversation further. "Hmmmmm...Thank you for your concern, Now I must get on with the laundry." People who sense your guilt are taking advantage of it. What you are feeling is false guilt due to not meeting the expectations of others. True guilt is when you have done something wrong, You have done nothing wrong, You have no reason for true guilt.
You have enough to do without putting up with this kind of criticism. In my view ,the caretaker, and probably others have stepped well beyond acceptable limits. You need to draw a line in the sand (boundary) beyond which you will not continue the conversation. Cut them off at the pass, Detach and distance - and carry on doing the wonderful job you have been doing for years. You deserve their praise and support much much more than you deserve their self serving criticism.
I never specified what safe was. So it could have been if he became violent. If I could not care for him properly. If he began to wander, to fall, to get into things that I could not keep him safe from, or any number of things.
Tell people that it was no longer safe to keep Mom at home. And that your primary job as a caregiver is to keep the person you are caring for safe.
That should be the end of the discussion. If anyone presses repeat the safety issue.
And to tell the truth...no friend would pressure you like this. If they do so they are not a friend.
I think many people are afraid that at some point they may be faced with the same decision and they want to know at what point did the "straw break the camels back" so they have a guiding point for when they have to make a similar decision. The tricky thing is there is no "same" situation because every person is different.
If you can honestly say you did the best that you could given the situation then that is all that you need to calm your soul and in that case you can rest easy and forget the naysayers.
If she's not from an agency, tell her to buzz off. Sorry, but I've had it with trying to be sensitive to people who have no sensitivity for us.
A variation for others expressing their "opinions" unsolicited and unwelcome might include "while we never would have expected you too and I'm not saying that, you need to remember that you weren't there to ease the burden or spend 24-36 hrs at a time with mom, you just don't have a clear picture of where she is day to day, night to night and unless you want to take responsibility for her care on full time please respect the recommendations of her doctors and decisions of her family by helping to support all of us through this difficult time rather than make it harder. That's how you can help." (put up or shut up!) "Have you given any thought to how hard this is for me or do you simply not care?" "I know you are trying to help but you aren't, when you have taken on the full responsibility for her care for a year or more, get back to me with your opinion, until then please wait until you are asked for your opinion, I already have more than I can process."
In the meantime take pride in knowing that you are indeed doing what is best and safest for your mom, you are being the most loving child and caregiver anyone can ask for by doing the hard things and providing what is best for her. Don't let anyone make you second guess yourself, my impression is you have indeed covered all of the bases and are making the right decision here, take pride and solace in the love you have and are showering on your mom by doing what you believe is best for her and admitting your limitations. My positive energy and heart go out to you.
Life changing moves right before Christmas always cause a great deal of upset.
I am not saying you are wrong, you did far more than I would have been able to do and I believe that people get to a point that facility care is the only viable option.
Give yourself time to adjust, this is one of the hardest decisions anyone ever has to make, so your heart is on your sleeve already, if someone crosses a line it is okay to tell them they have or to look at them like the knot head they are and walk away.
When we do the very best we can it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.
SCREW YOU
SHE'S MY MOTHER & RESPONSIBLITY
I DO NOT HAVE AN ISSUE REPORTING NOT ONLY YOU, BUT YOUR COMPANY TO THE STATE
GET OUT OF MY WAY, SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE AND TOO BAD SO SAD YOU WILL BE FINANCIALLY STRAINED, BUT YOUR SALARY HAS DONE THAT TO ME SO BACK AT YOU BABE!
You actually made me laugh out loud! I certainly thought this -- and honestly, if there's any further criticism, I'll use your words. Thank you!