Guilt over memory care facility move; I don't know how to handle "well-meaning" people who feel it is their right to express negative opinions.

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Guilt over memory care facility move; I don't know how to handle "well-meaning" people who feel it is their right to express negative opinions.

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You need to consider the source. Your mother's caregiver is making this very difficult situation much harder for you with her unkind comments and you should tell her that the next time she shares her opinions with you. You can thank her for her obvious love and care for your mother and assure her that you are making the best decisions you can. Make it crystal clear that the topic is no longer up for discussion.

If other people express dismay, please don't take that as a criticism of your decision. It could be dismay that your mother's illness has progressed. I find especially in elderly friends, the progression of disease is very upsetting to them. It's too much a foreshadowing of their futures.

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I was raised to be polite in a gentler and kinder era. In these times, I've learned some cute responses to cut these know-it-alls to the quick and still maintain my cool. A brief smile and thank you should suffice. Then move on, ignoring their repertoire in an attempt to engage you. Also, a snicker or giggle can put them in their place as u change the subject and move on. IGNORE further attempts at their judgement calls, and get preoccupied with something else (preferably trivial) as they smolder and stew.

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Thanks for the advice, Pogomom. I wish you'd been at my side when I was hit by this caregiver's vitriolic response to my decision to place my mother in a memory care facility. Smart response!

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So sorry you have to be challenged on your decision to place your mother in care. I just placed my 97 year old mother in memory care and what you are feeling does not mean you are not making the right move for your mother’s specific circumstances. There is no escaping the anxiety and second guessing. It is the second day of my mother’s placement, and I have not been able to sleep till 3;00a.m and I been getting up at 7:00a.m. I told her “it is time to move into a better, safer place. It is a brand, new unit on a 14 bed memory unit 1/2 block from where you live. While you can still walk, and you need to take advantage of a chance to be safe and have 24/7 care. If we wait till you fall or get sick and end up in emergency, survive, you will have to go into care at the weakest time of your life instead of going now. Your scared, I’m scared. Let’s put aside the anxiety and second guessing and make our move. She nodded her head in agreement, the next day she had forgotten the entire conversation and I had to repeat it to her, her 90 year old sister, her card club friends, long time house cleaners, and home health aid. I got it down to: “ it is time for you to move”

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Ha, the explanation was spot on - but as with so much else that elderly dementia patients lose, such articulation is completely lost. I spent 6 months planning my mother's 90th birthday-a grand catered affair with guests who flew in from around the country. A month later I was reminiscing with my mother about what a marvelous party it was, and she said, "I had such a good time. I wish you'd been there."

Oh well....

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I too am sorry you have to put up with unsolicited opinions. Nobody knows your mother's level of need, your family dynamics and your mother's financial well being better than you do. There is a persistent message in advertisements and our culture generally that keeping an elderly parent at home is ALWAYS the best option. It's not. Good for you for doing what you know you needed to do.

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Yes, you're right again...there is this incredible split between the fairytale ideal put forth out there about keeping an elderly parent in their own home and the grim reality. You'd faint if I told you what I had to come up with monthly in home care, even with a pension. 24 hour care is beyond costly.

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People that have never been caregivers have no idea what it's like to live off the regular clock for months or years straight or to live in fear of the parent falling experiencing some other health or safety crisis. Even if there's in-home care it's still not fall safe. Crises are what drive a lot of families' decisions to finally place their parent in memory care. But given the statistics regarding how falls are often the beginning of the end for many people, placing your mother in a memory care center BEFORE a crisis was the absolute right thing to do.

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Thank you, Violet521, I really wasn't conscious of that - you're right, of course. My mom has fallen and injured herself enough to have kept me on edge for years now. Waiting for the next time simply wasn't an option.

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Bugger to them! If they haven't been hit by parent with dementia then they haven't a clue.

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Amen to that, donkeehote. There's no accurate account we can offer of what it's like to care for a parent with dementia - except perhaps it feels like Alice in Wonderland slipping down the rabbit hole. Thank you!

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Remember this: Those who express negative opinions and 'do not mean anything bad by it' also do not mean anything GOOD by it! I can't tell you how this simple statement has helped me navigate the difficulties I face with my aged mother. Your mom's primary care giver who 'genuinely loves' her has her OWN best interests in mind, NOT your mom's. It's obviously time to place your mom in a care facility that is best equipped to deal with her advanced stage of dementia, while the caregiver is NOT. Her loss of finances is the problem, nothing else. Tell the woman that while you appreciate all she's done for your mom and your family, the decision HAS BEEN made to place her in a facility, period. You'd welcome the caregivers support and if she's not able to give you that support, then she has to be terminated immediately.

The end.

So sorry for the added stress the caregiver is putting on you right now; you don't need it, that's for sure. Best of luck!

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I appreciate your advice, lealonnie1. You're right, the loss of income drove much of her very biting response. Thanks for your support.

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Come up with a brief reply that you use over and over, without adding additional information. For example: "It is my responsibility to see that my mother is cared for in a manner appropriate to her medical situation and also to be a good steward of her finances as long as she lives. After thorough research and reflection I made the decision to move Mom to a place that can continue to care for her as her situation deteriorates. It was a difficult decision but I am sure it was the right thing to do." Then just shut up and move on or change the topic.

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Thank you, toriej113, it's good to know there are those out there willing to jump in with such support.

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We all often speak from our own experiences. I know with mine, I so much wanted to keep my dad at home with my mom. While I don't live there, I would have offered to be there a lot. Of course the real burden would have been on my mom.

But I believe it is a very selfless thing on your part to acknowledge you simply cannot give her the care she needs, and have to let go in a sense.

People always think they know better, but they are not in your shoes and I am not sure there is any convincing them of the rightness of your decision.

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Thank you, Karsten, for your kind and thoughtful response. It was very helpful.

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You are dealing with everything perfectly.
You do know what to say to these well meaning people. Say "Thank You for your feedback".
The caregiver will find a new client.
Just keep on doing what you're doing and tell the others to stay in their own lane.

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Thank you, Rabanette. Sometimes, less is more.

Happy Holidays and a Peaceful New Year.

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I have paid for numerous years so that my husband and i can live in hopefully a decent facility where we can have activities and food and housekeeping. To each their own but i really dont want to live in a lonely place waiting for meals on wheels.

best wishes on whatever your decision is.

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Nikawriter, I'm happy I could give you something to laugh about. Laughter is the best medicine. To tell you the truth, I actually had lve used these words with my step-sister who was making all these decisions regarding in home care that was going to be paid under Mom's benefits and they were going to umbrella my step-father BECAUSE he did not have these benefits. I told the in home care that I nor Mom could afford what they wanted, step-sister signed the contract as Mom's agent, arranged 24/7 care without my knowledge. I went postal on both, hence my step-sister taking 75% of the money out of checking (I was paying bills that were 30-120 days past due and had special arrangements with bank to transfer into POA so I could provide payment and subjected myself into constraints for Court (banker experience in this area). She owes the bill for the contract she signed, tried to get out of that AND took $$ thru on-line portal into the checking she did not have a legal right, OMG can you say FRAUD AND CHARGES AGAINST YOU?
Yes, I've used these words.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Take control and stop letting others walk all over you. I'll help if you want me to tell them, even siblings, I get it from my WONDERFUL MOM.

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You basically have to know in your heart that what you are doing is for the best. When I first moved my mother to AL I had opinions from some family and a friend regarding my decision. I was moving my mother closer to me. In the first weeks of her move I was at her AL most days of the week. One comment was that I was trying to make myself seem more important. As though this is a rewarding experience. It may be for some. To me it was a necessity. I withdrew from a number of these people. They weren't worth my time any longer. There are some family that are basically dead to me. The whole path of the process can be so exhausting at times. The future is daunting. Decline is inevitable. You have enough to do without allowing others to stand in your way. I hope you can proceed and find no purpose in opinions that create any more stress regarding the care you are engaged in.

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Take their concern at face value and delegate a burdensome task.

"I am so torn up about this too, I really want mom to see her family more. Will you drive her for her Sunday visits home this month? You are right to step in and let me know that I'm doing isn't enough, because God only gives us what we can handle, and today he sent you as an angel!"

"Good idea that mom needs familiar faces, I have to be away for work this week, can you spend two days this week at the home with her to help her ease into her transition? They welcome known people to help with bathing and toileting, it would mean the world to mom not to learn these intimate routines with only strangers."

I have done this sort of thing for my specific situation. The haters quickly vanish under threat of having to help. Sometimes you find out someone you thought was an ass really means their concerns and is willing to significantly help you.

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Brilliant plan! Thank you BobbingWren. Much appreciated!

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Guilt over memory care facility move; I don't know how to handle "well-meaning" people who feel it is their right to express negative opinions.

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