Hi,
I feel extremely guilty beginning to look for nursing homes for my Mom, but my husband and I are feeling burnt out and are under a lot of stress caring for her. We live with her and are now at the point where she can still be left alone but she enjoys going for multiple walks and we fear she will fall or get lost. My husband is now working nights and I am working days so someone is always nearby. My Dad passed away two years ago and I have no siblings so it is just me. How do I overcome the extreme guilt for not being able to keep her at home and needing to place her in a nursing home/memory care center?
Thank you in advance for any kind words or advice
You need to do what is best for all of you . You have decided that placing Mom is best, which I agree with since you are stressed and burnt , and Mom could get lost .
Mom may or may not understand due to her dementia. I used to tell my family members with dementia that “ the doctor says you have to live where there are nurses” . I’m sorry but there are no happy endings with this awful disease . Dementia is the worst and what you are feeling is grieving the mother that you knew before her illness .
We cannot feel guilty about something unless WE CAUSED IT, and REFUSE TO FIX IT.
You didn't cause this.
You can't fix this.
Words are very important. Choose wisely what label you plaster onto your chest. The correct G-word here is GRIEF.
You are grieving. You are grieving her severe losses which will be continual until she loses the ability to know you you are, to know her own history, to eat and to swallow. You are grieving that you must stand witness to these losses.
It is a kind of hubris to think you can fix these things. Only a god could fix this. Only a miracle could fix this. In my own history of standing witness I have seen few godly interventions and no miracles. You aren't a Saint. You are a human being with limitations. Please embrace that, as your Mom would want you to.
I am so sorry.
Do you want her to have the care that you can not give her 24/7/365?
Making the decision to place someone in Memory Care, or in Skilled Nursing is not an easy decision. So when you come to that decision it is not a spur of the moment decision.
Taking care of someone with dementia is NOT easy.
You have no reason to feel "guilty"
You can feel Grief.
You can feel Sad.
You can feel Angry (at the disease, not at mom)
But please do not feel guilty.
*Disclaimer - my mom is obviously still very sick and it is sad to see most of the other residents and know that my mom is going to decline eventually and she won't be able to communicate or go to dinner with me or laugh with me but overall it is the best place for her and that is an amazing feeling.
Unfortunately, there is no utopia.
Ask yourself this, ‘If I needed around the clock care, would I desire to have a complete staff looking after me or would I prefer to burden a family member to care for me?’
I know how I would answer this question. I would choose the nursing home over being a burden to my family.
I raised my children to be independent and I would never want to take their independence away from them so they could care for me.
I cared for my mother too. I took her into my home after she lost her home in hurricane Katrina. So, I know how difficult this situation is for you.
My mother died in a lovely ‘end of life’ hospice care home. One of the last things she said to me was that she was glad that she was no longer a burden on her children.
My mother was extremely appreciative of the wonderful nurses and aides that took care of her. She died peacefully at age 95.
Please don’t feel guilty. The most important thing is that your mother receives care. That care doesn’t have to come from you directly.
Being an advocate for your mom is equally as important as doing the work yourself. You will be a wonderful advocate for your mother because you care about her well being.
Some people think that it takes strength to hold on. It takes real strength to let go. Most of the time, letting go of the hands on care is the best choice for everyone involved.
Wishing you peace as you go through this transitional time in your life.
Transitioning is always uncomfortable in the beginning. After all is said and done, you will ask yourself, why didn’t I decide to place my mom sooner.
I just placed my Dad in an assisted living facility. Yes, he has dementia but at this point and time he is higher functioning. I toured 15 different facilities and 4 board n care facilities.
The one I chose which I toured an additional 3 times, to see how residents were( Happy, engaged, entertained, feed well, outside court yards, walking paths) how many staff members at different times of days, how happy and loving were the staff. Also the place we chose has a memory care, so if and when he advances to that point it will be semi seamless to make that move. When we did the assessment with facilities I was honest with what my father’s needs are and what level of care I expected for the care package.
Yes, I really spent extra time finding the right fit for my Dad because like you,I was feeling guilty. It has taken a toll on my husband and my relationship.
My Dad first day was the 27th I brought him for a tour two weeks before and showed him his future studio. We decorated it nicely with all his special things. We got there I sat him down with another gentleman having lunch introduced telling him this was Dads first day meanwhile I went up to his room bringing his toiletries and other items. Went back downstairs to bring him up to his decorated studio, showed him where all his things were all while leaving the studio door open. He had four other residents as well as his new lunch friend and 10 staff members come in and greet him and introduce themselves.
The next day I returned at 10:30 to drop a couple items off that I had forgotten. I found him down the hall at the craft , game room playing games with four women and one man and a staff member. Smiling and laughing I said hello I’m dropping some items off gave him a kiss dropped off came back gave him a hug and kiss and said goodbye.
It was a great decision for him and us. It may not take this quickly for some folks it usually takes a month or so, it’s finding the right facility that fits them and the best facility that puts your fear to rest.
I still plan on regular visit and playing games and special events as well as stopping by for a quick tuck- in and a kiss good-night😘.
What you can do is find the very best place for her. The Medicare.gov website lists nursing facilities in your area and rates them for a number of factors. Look for one that has four or five stars overall. It might not be the closest but you want the best. There were a number of nursing facilities closer to my niece but it was worth the thirty minute trip to know her dad got excellent care.
I also recommend going out to see her frequently. You’ll feel better as she will, and when family visits a loved one often the staff will understand there’s an extra set of eyes. The staff at my brother’s nursing facility always thanked us for coming to visit. Some cried when he died.
She is now in a memory care facility and is finally adjusting. It took her 2 months though and it was very stressful for us because she would beg us to take her home.
God bless you for all you have done.
Sharon