My elderly parents have always been very bitter, angry, negative people. Growing up in that kind of environment was very difficult and it did its damage, but I learned how to set boundaries, etc. and live my life, while still loving and respecting my parents. My Mom has been diagnosed with a deteriorating spine and no amount of medication/surgery/treatment brings her any pain relief. Physically, she has declined very rapidly and is almost immobile. My Father is her primary caretaker. My Father is even more bitter and negative than my Mother. Between the two of them, the negativity and complaining is constant. How do I handle entire phone calls/visits/daily emails reporting every ache and pain and reliving all that has ever gone wrong in their lives? I am heartbroken that my Mom is living with so much pain and I am at a loss as to what to say and do anymore. I find myself distancing myself slightly, because conversations and visits are so draining on me. And, I feel incredibly guilty because I know that one day they will not be here.
The emails should be fairly easy. Skim them very quickly and reply "I am sorry you had so many problems today."
Cut phone calls short. Try redirecting the conversations. I doubt that will be totally successful, but it might work a little. Do what you have to do to protect yourself from all that negativity.
I wonder what would happen if you asked for their advice? "Mom, when you boil potatoes do you put them in the cold water, or start the water boiling first?" Might you be able to get into a little discussion about cooking? (Or any subject she might know/have an opinion about.) "Dad, my leg muscle is sore. Do you think I should put a heating pad or ice pack on it?" It doesn't have to be a real concern and you don't have to follow their advice. But might it get them on a different topic for a while?
Yes, one day they will not be here. That is the natural order of things. If all goes well our parents die before we do. It will not be your fault. There is not need to feel guilty. Do the best you can now, but accept that you are not perfect and have your own limits. It sounds like you are a very loving and patient daughter, and it is OK to meet your own needs while caring for your parents.
medical ways. Call a clinic and ask about it. .
It seems that, unfortunately, I am not alone in my situation. My mother has also been negative, self-centered, and demanding her entire life (even making her greater love for my father well known to me and my sister when we were children) and it's all worse now at her age.
We have lived together for 22 years and I am her primary chauffeur, chef, problem-solver and everything else as she doesn't drive and is a loner who has no friends or outside activities. She has also become a minimalist, preparing for the eventuality of her passing "so you don't have to get rid of the old lady's junk".
I just happened to stay in bed 30 minutes longer this Christmas morning.
When I went to her room to greet her, we both said "Good Morning and Merry Christmas" and hugged. Then she said "this will be our last Christmas together. What would I do if I found you dead in bed? I'd be left with all of your stuff to get rid of and I'd have to call a dump truck! My friend has people to help her around the house at her age." (Her friend lives in assisted living.) Mom won't let me change her sheets, etc, because she wants to complain about having to do it.
I was both shocked and hurt that she would be more concerned about how my unexpected passing would affect her and I calmly said "Okay, we'll start looking for a facility for you in January if that's what you want."
I had always thought she'd rather be in our home with a spacious bedroom with private bath than sharing a room with a stranger and having no choice on what she would eat or watch on tv, but I'm suffering having to be around her negativity. I'm a Realtor and trying to get out the door with a smile on my face is a challenge.
Thank you for letting me vent.
Wishing you all a Very Merry Christmas. 2017 is a new year.
If my mother lived with us, I could easily see that being the case.
Actually, I have had it easier than I expected since my mother stopped driving. She hurt her leg, and doesn't go out much at all (so my fears of her demanding to go here and there haven't been realized). Some weeks she doesn't go out at all. And her friend volunteered to take her to Mass every Sunday morning (as long as she's in town) -- hurray!
I took my mother to the neurologist last week, because she's experiencing increasing numbness in her feet. It was a rather long appointment, as my mother had a lot to say. She was not happy when the neurologist told her not to use the term "toxicity" in regards to Vitamin B6 (this has been her obsession for the past 10 or so months, as her Vitamin B6 level was high in one test). He said he'd write an rx for home PT to help her with her balance. But she doesn't want to do it. Now she says she will do it when her knee is all better (her knee may never be all better again). She did balance therapy previously (at the PT center), and doesn't want to do it again.
So be it. She's going to write a letter to the neurologist, telling him she isn't going to consider it until her knee is better. She is also not going to make the suggested 5 - 8 week follow-up appointment with him. She's in charge of her own health, and I'm not going to waste my time or breath trying to convince her of anything.
The neurologist also said she would benefit from something to take the edge off all of her anxieties. Of course my mother wouldn't hear of it. (OF COURSE!)
My comment will likely sound blunt. I suggest you consider not taking calls except once in the morning for 15 minutes, and once in the evening for another 1 minutes. Likewise you may also not answer emails except once a day..
Learn to ignore their negative mannerisms...One does not have to respond to every complaint.
The word that comes to mind is "detachment" and I learned about it from folks whose loved ones were alcoholics or drug addicts. The basis of it is that no one can change the behavior of another person, but we can distance ourselves from it.
I sense that my response is disjointed, but the gist of it is: be civil, be helpful and yet maintain a balance by not fretting about their situation everey waking moment...Set up and maintain boundaries...
Grace + Peace,
Bob
It not only made them miserable, it made us miserable too. There is really no solution to this problem. My father died suddenly. I could almost see the relief on my mother face. Yes, she did cry but it was short lived. It seems that when one suffers all suffers.
My mother remarried to a wonderful man and they live together happily for almost 20 years.
It may be time to put your mother in assisted living or a nursing home. He can visit and leave when things start to get out of hand. I know this is a hard thing to do, but sometimes to keep peace in the family something has to give.
I am not a mean person, but there are facilities that care for people with dementia and major health issue. That doesn't mean you don't care. In my opinion, you are providing them with professional care with medical personnel on hand 24/7.
I admire those who choose to take care of their parents at home, but most of us are not professionals. It would be very hard for my wife and me to deal with her mother, but we travel the 50 miles every other week to visit her and her sister alternates with us.
We did care for my mother at her home, but there were 4 out of 6 siblings that rotated shifts. Because I am a male my sisters had to care for her personal needs and I provided transportation and ran errands. We tried to get mother into assisted living but she wouldn't have it, but she did not have dementia either but cancer.
It is such a hardship on the sibling because most of our parents are living longer lives and we are well into our late 60's and I am almost 72.
I would like to enjoy retirement, but I still care about my mother-in-law and even though she is in assist living we still have most of the responsibilities of doctors appointments, banking, paying her bills etc.
: caustic, biting, or rancorous