Has anyone ever had to choose to leave a spouse because you just can't continue caring for in-law (s) any longer?
For 15 years My husband & I have lived with my 94 yr old mil and my 68 yr old - it's more like he is anywhere from 8 - 11 yrs old depending on the day- bil who is blind and has autism. We celebrate 30 years married on the 11th. This has prompted panic inside me. Half our marriage has been spent making sure others are happy. I am beyond burned out. I haven't left because simply put I like and love my husband. Last year mil needed hospice. Due to covid, we did it all ourselves with Drs and Zoom. Miraculously, mil came out of it and there are times I feel like she is in better health than I am. I am in tears every day. I feel hopeless. I look back and think how did we allow ourselves to get here? It started out from love and what seemed like it would be for max 2 years turned into 15 long brutal years later. I had a thriving business then due to all the care I was giving my health suffered and I had to let it go. I am angry, resentful, sad, depressed, and feel tremendous guilt all the time. The guilt comes from I had a light at the end of my tunnel when hospice was happening. I know that sounds absolutely awful but I was actually able to breathe after I cried for weeks preparing myself for her end-of-life. In fact, my husband & I grieved and powered through it, prepared ourselves, doctors told us to tell the family and then she got better. I love her. However, I have found I no longer like her. She isn't the person she used to be. I feel stuck.
Every other week I go visit my dad who lives a mile away so I can "regroup" but ever since last year and mil got better I can't seem to regroup. My husband has 2 sisters and 2 brothers-in-law, a niece who is a nurse and they do NOTHING. They have never ever helped at all. BUT, they judge us - especially me - and are not afraid to voice their judgment. In fact, they haven't visited her at all. It blows my mind because if I was lucky enough to still have my mom alive I would make a point to see her at least once a week. In fact, I did and when she was dying I stayed with her. I know I'm babbling but I really just need to know if anyone has ever had to choose to leave their spouse and end being the loyal caregiver? If you have, how did you do it and did you make the right decision? I need help. I need help in every way so please post any comments you have based on your experiences. Thank you and please be kind. I can't take anyone else being rude & judgmental any longer.
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You and your husband need marriage counseling and have to come up with an actual plan. What will happen to the BIL? He's not going anywhere unless there's some plan in place for him. What happens to him if your husband dies before he does?
Get some professional help because I think your marriage is worth fighting for. If your husband won't go, then go yourself and get yourself in a better place to make decisions.
A few weeks away will give you time to think straight, and BREATHE for a bit. You could even schedule Zoom counseling daily, to get someone to LISTEN and help you plan your next steps.
This sounds like an EMERGENCY for your mental health. As people here say, YOU MATTER, too.
Best wishes dear one. We are here for you.
"It started out from love and what seemed like it would be for max 2 years"
What happened at the 2-year mark that caused the situation to continue? And in your profile you say you moved in "for succession planning." ("We moved in with his mom and brother in 2007 for succession planning.") What does that mean?
"I had a thriving business then due to all the care I was giving my health suffered and I had to let it go."
I just hate it when the caregiver has to give up their job or business. Do you get any compensation?
"We celebrate 30 years married on the 11th."
So half of this marriage you've been saddled with caregiving for MIL and BIL?
I take it that you live in your mil's home? What is her financial situation? Who is her POA/HCPOA? And who is BIL's POA/HCPOA?
The caregiving situation suits your two SILs, so don't expect them to change, especially after 15 years. You can only change yourself. It seems that since you are the one who gave up your business, that your H continues to work, and that the bulk of the caregiving is on you. Does your H do any of the caregiving? Does he think it's right that this situation has continued for 15 years. Have you ever discussed it?
Please do consider marriage counseling.
You have decisions to make. Your husband is the one to discuss them with. I think you should first get some counseling yourself to work through what your choices are, because none of them are easy and all of them are life shattering.
In answer to your question, yes, we OFTEN see on Forum OPs who come to us with just this question. They are almost always desperate, often they are already physically or mentally ill. And they ask this exact question. We also get the question from those who are not even yet married, where one (usually the boyfriend) has decided to take in an elder and where the girlfriend thinks that their future marriage cannot last and understands she will be the primary caregiver. They often believe that love can overcome all obstacles, but as we clearly know, love is a fragile thing that attains strength only with mutual guarding and care of it.
I wish you luck, and I hope you will see a good counselor to support you. That first to work out in your own mind where you are at and what you must do. Because as I said, there no good answer to this; there is no answer that will bring any of you out of this "happy". There is no fix- it to these questions. There is only acceptance of your own limitations, preservation of your own health and of this, your ONE life. And there is only doing the best you can for those in need.
So, financially, it is rough at first. It will be hard to get a career back. You will be overqualified for alot of positions and lack of recent work history will hurt your chances of getting a job with your qualifications. Employers do not understand unless they went through the same.
Is there someting specific you want to know?
And, if someone is elderly it seems like you aren't "allowed" to get mad at them even though they do things that are wrong. So, I find myself bottling everything up just because she is old. It doesn't seem right that she can just do & say whatever she wants & I can't just because she is old. It's frustrating. I know I sound awful but we don't allow kids or adults to just do and say whatever they want. Why are the standards different for the elderly? I got mad at mil and my husband said I am punching down & I shouldn't get mad at a 94 yr old woman. So now I feel crappy about that on top of everything else. 😥
When someone tells you that YOU and YOU ALONE has ruined their entire life of 90 years--that they cannot sleep at night b/c you are in the family, that you have brought nothing but pain and anger and hate into the family and they wish you had died of the cancer that you'd JUST received remission from----you start to think "DID I do all this?" I was barely 20 when I married and was warned by so many people not to do so. Not b/c DH was a problem, but b/c of his mom.
Yes, I'll admit to what I may have done and a couple snarky comments along the way--but in no way shape or form have I ruined her life.
At the time of the 'fight'. in which I was completely silent, DH didn't KNOW it, but I was contemplating divorce. I could not bear her another second. I was trying to heal from cancer and he was not doing a single thing to help. I realized he'd been like that from day 1. He has dumped on me his hateful feelings for his mom---and it's not fair.
I did walk away, haven't been back and won't go back. I explained to DH how I saw his transposition of feelings from his mom to me and had him read a lot about narc moms. He has tried to do better. It's better, but not by much. I'm 65, and I have very little hope that things will get better. I fully expect this woman to outlive my DH.
On the upside, I am a wonderful MIL. My kids don't realize it, but I love them all like my own, do for them what I'd so for 'my own' and give them the respect and love they deserve.
MY MIL is a mean, wicked person. They exist. You want to think evryone has SOME good qualities, but sadly, this woman really doesn't. Well--she really loves her Yd's grand kids. She doesn't know my grands' names. B/C they come from ME, she has no interest in them.
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