I’m getting on a plane in a few hours to see my narcissistic mother and father with dementia. I’ve been a wreck for days because her constant complaining, negativity and helplessness is such a drain.
Mom is spending through their money at an alarming rate. I am wondering if anybody has had to move their narc mother into a Medicaid facility? With their grandiose opinions of themselves and what they deserve, I am curious how it went?
My mother was just like yours - absolutely nothing was ever good enough or to her liking. Although she was able to remain in her home until her unfortunate fall and subsequent demise, when the time came to place her in a hospice facility, I found one that was upper mid-line - in other words, in a price range here of $5,000-21,000/month - the adult family home for hospice came in at about $12,000 a month - it was a place that was only about 5 years old; she had a private room (complete with tv and a gorgeous view of the yard) with her own private bathroom; 24 hour nursing care; etc etc. And in her words - it was unacceptable and a 'hellhole'. She made my life, the staff's life and ultimately her own life miserable until the very end. I was and am to live with myself for putting in that 'hellhole' because it was the best that was available at the time given the finances - things that were beyond my and her control. In other words, absolutely nothing ever made her happy and never would. One has to be resigned to that.
He likes being here. My dad is on Medicaid. My mother’s application was filed last month.
My mother hates being in this facility, she would rather be home. But she can’t go home. This facility is probably the best Medicaid facility where we live. This is where she needs to be. Her daughters cannot do this anymore. And no one wants to take her in. Shes not an easy person to deal with. She has a mean streak. She’s not dying any time soon. She’s 95 but will probably live to a hundred.
I’ve brought stuff from home to make the place more homey. And we bring food she likes a few times a week.
I feel bad that both my parents need to be in a facility now, but that is the price for having a long life and declining very very slowly. I do not feel guilty that we placed them
here.
Hoping that Medicaid goes through. I don’t know we what we would do if she has to come home.
.
Are you POA?
Is there a diagnosis for both your parents that judges them incompetent? That would be necessary for any placement against their own wills.
Are applications already in for Medicaid or is this couple already ON medicaid?
To deal with placement as POA is problematic in any and every case, as is applications for medicaid for two parents. With the added problem of no cooperation, it would be a nightmare.
I would not want to be POA or guardian in this instance, but I surely do wish you the best of luck.
Placing her in a facility is the best option for her. It doesn’t sound like you will take her into your home. So, I consider that one step ahead of the game.
If you were to bring her back home with you it would be a far greater nightmare than wondering how things would go if you placed her.
Perhaps you could think about placing your dad at the same time. How far along is his dementia?
Wishing you all the best. Take care of yourself.
If you are not their PoA, and you don't wish to be or they won't assign you, then you may not have any power to legally help them anyway. In this scenario you report them to APS to get them on their radar. When their conditions get "bad enough" the county will acquire guardianship for them and then take over managing all their care and affairs...everything.
I'm sorry for the distress this is causing you, but you will need to find and defend boundaries regarding your parents' care needs.
Resign yourself to the fact that nothing will be good enough due to her “ grandiose opinions “ and entitlement .
Telling her she spent all her money , may not go well, she may accuse you of taking it . Perhaps you could tell her she needs to be where there are more nurses and doctors. She will say she doesn’t need to be there . Say the doctor says you do . Blame it on the doctors .
Good luck .
Your mother's happiness or lack thereof is not something that is within your control.
When she complains, a good response might be "how do you plan to deal with that, mom?". Ask with genuine curiosity. It's just NOT your problem. Don't let her make you feel like it is
Why are you visiting?