I hate to even think my father would do this, but I think sometimes he says or does things to make me feel sorry for him or worry about him. For example, whenever he knows I'm upset because of something he said, he starts saying he does not feel good. I'm not saying he's faking but I have noticed a pattern. Also, sometimes he does not answer his phone. I will get worried and drive across town and find that his phone is on silent. He keeps his phone right beside him all the time or he's reading news articles on his phone so he should still see he has a missed call. I just called him three times.. no answer. I was getting ready to go over there and then he calls. He said he did not hear the phone and I reminded him that it was right beside him when I left.. so then he says he was outside. I realize that he's gotten older and some of things he does is because of that.
She has been gone now for over 7 years and I miss her. You can only do the best you can with what you have available to you. It can be aggravating at times, but I'd try to put myself in her shoes.
I tried to retrain my brain to not panic and to remain calm (or as much as I am able) and not fall into the trap. She lives with us in her own space but has become very needy since her fall and rehab.
Her social worker did recommend we start looking at LTC in case things go sideways so we will but it is not my preference right now. You must make sure you take time for YOU and put up some type of self preservation 'barrier'- this is funny coming from me but it is true.
She gets it sometimes and other times she doesn’t. I just direct our conversations into a positive light and it does help temporarily. Her liking attention is normal for her now. I have to except what I can change what I cannot. Once patterns have established themselves we as the sane people need to adjust our reactions to them. Walk away, don’t get sucked into an argument that really leads to a nonsensical discussion. Take time to think their world is changing daily and it’s scary for them. Stay strong and love your parent despite their clouded thoughts. Take time for yourself to process the information you are receiving as an opportunity to help them feel safe or loved or cared about. Even if the behavior is negative and controlling. This is something I have to remind myself everyday. But this too shall pass and when my mom goes to heaven I will miss her terribly and her sometimes manipulative antics!
My mom chose one person to complain to, which was me. It took a long time to figure it out, but thanks to this forum I realized that was happening. Sunshine and rainbows to everyone, relentless complaining to me. I set up boundaries but still it was exhausting because I had to hold those boundaries daily against a person with inexhaustible energy.
What did help a bit besides boundaries regarding calls and conversation times was;
- practicing ‘active non-listening’. I’d just let my mind fly into outer orbit. Extra bonus if I could cook while we were on the phone - nice smells!
- never announcing visits and thus busting her playing bingo with friends , despite being told everything is awful always, etc…
- being literally told by a professional that she was manipulating me with guilt
- My favorite; I amused myself by making a list of Top 5 Ridiculous Complaints. The winner was her telling me the food was so terrible could she come live with me…” I’ll just come sleep on your floor! Oh, and you had soup tonight? Can I have a teaspoon of soup? Just a teaspoon! “ Fyi I’ve had the food at her place and it is actually delicious.
Basically mom wanted to manipulate me into a fantasy life, which involved some scenario where I’m married to an east coast doctor ( no offense whatsoever to any of you !) and am taking care of her physical and emotional needs literally every waking moment. Needless to say her needs are very well taken care of but if I fell into her fantasty life I’d be dead from exhaustion!
This kind of behavior is miserable to deal with. I wish you the best with this! Also if you would care to come over for a teaspoon of my delicious soup you are most welcome :)
Another shoutout to this forum for showing me that lots of us are not alone with this manipulative nonsense. Teaspoons of soup for all!
Don't you think that's a nasty way to answer someone? Geez, not the best way to make a good first impression!