I hate to even think my father would do this, but I think sometimes he says or does things to make me feel sorry for him or worry about him. For example, whenever he knows I'm upset because of something he said, he starts saying he does not feel good. I'm not saying he's faking but I have noticed a pattern. Also, sometimes he does not answer his phone. I will get worried and drive across town and find that his phone is on silent. He keeps his phone right beside him all the time or he's reading news articles on his phone so he should still see he has a missed call. I just called him three times.. no answer. I was getting ready to go over there and then he calls. He said he did not hear the phone and I reminded him that it was right beside him when I left.. so then he says he was outside. I realize that he's gotten older and some of things he does is because of that.
Don't you think that's a nasty way to answer someone? Geez, not the best way to make a good first impression!
My mom chose one person to complain to, which was me. It took a long time to figure it out, but thanks to this forum I realized that was happening. Sunshine and rainbows to everyone, relentless complaining to me. I set up boundaries but still it was exhausting because I had to hold those boundaries daily against a person with inexhaustible energy.
What did help a bit besides boundaries regarding calls and conversation times was;
- practicing ‘active non-listening’. I’d just let my mind fly into outer orbit. Extra bonus if I could cook while we were on the phone - nice smells!
- never announcing visits and thus busting her playing bingo with friends , despite being told everything is awful always, etc…
- being literally told by a professional that she was manipulating me with guilt
- My favorite; I amused myself by making a list of Top 5 Ridiculous Complaints. The winner was her telling me the food was so terrible could she come live with me…” I’ll just come sleep on your floor! Oh, and you had soup tonight? Can I have a teaspoon of soup? Just a teaspoon! “ Fyi I’ve had the food at her place and it is actually delicious.
Basically mom wanted to manipulate me into a fantasy life, which involved some scenario where I’m married to an east coast doctor ( no offense whatsoever to any of you !) and am taking care of her physical and emotional needs literally every waking moment. Needless to say her needs are very well taken care of but if I fell into her fantasty life I’d be dead from exhaustion!
This kind of behavior is miserable to deal with. I wish you the best with this! Also if you would care to come over for a teaspoon of my delicious soup you are most welcome :)
Another shoutout to this forum for showing me that lots of us are not alone with this manipulative nonsense. Teaspoons of soup for all!
She gets it sometimes and other times she doesn’t. I just direct our conversations into a positive light and it does help temporarily. Her liking attention is normal for her now. I have to except what I can change what I cannot. Once patterns have established themselves we as the sane people need to adjust our reactions to them. Walk away, don’t get sucked into an argument that really leads to a nonsensical discussion. Take time to think their world is changing daily and it’s scary for them. Stay strong and love your parent despite their clouded thoughts. Take time for yourself to process the information you are receiving as an opportunity to help them feel safe or loved or cared about. Even if the behavior is negative and controlling. This is something I have to remind myself everyday. But this too shall pass and when my mom goes to heaven I will miss her terribly and her sometimes manipulative antics!
I tried to retrain my brain to not panic and to remain calm (or as much as I am able) and not fall into the trap. She lives with us in her own space but has become very needy since her fall and rehab.
Her social worker did recommend we start looking at LTC in case things go sideways so we will but it is not my preference right now. You must make sure you take time for YOU and put up some type of self preservation 'barrier'- this is funny coming from me but it is true.
She has been gone now for over 7 years and I miss her. You can only do the best you can with what you have available to you. It can be aggravating at times, but I'd try to put myself in her shoes.
If you read OPs profile you will see that she has really not had a good relationship with her father. She has taken on the responsibility of helping him but wants to know if he could be manipulating her. IMO he is. He is living alone. Keeps his phone turned off or so low he can't hear it knowing OP worries when he does this. So, she is suppose to put up with this from a man who may fully understand what he is doing? I say no. This is being passive-aggressive.
Now if he is declining and this is now a problem, then find ways to check in on him so ur not running over there all the time. If he gets worse time for placement. In no way should OP feel she needs to do on hands care.
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When the brain chemistry changes, the behavior will change. To that person, it is a matter of 'life or death'. So, yes, likely millions out there deal with a parent who is manipulative ... although the question is WHY and how to manage these situations.
Call or read Teepa Snow's website. She offers webinars on how to deal with these situations / changing brains. I studied with her for 1-1/2 years. It is invaluable information.
It is also important to realize that a person 'trying' to manipulate is not doing that if the person on the other side does't allow it.
- Do look at your own reactions / responses - and the 'why' behind how you react / respond.
* Setting limits
* Learning how to 'talk' to a changing brain is vitally important
* Give yourself time outs
* Be clear on what is needed and stick to it
* Offer/ learn 'reflective listening' (do not argue. It is a waste of energy/time for all concerned and causes undue, unnecessary emotional and psychological upheaval)
* Understand, with compassionate responses, of where the 'other' person is in their mind, their brain. Put yourself in their shoes ... they are scared.
Gena / Touch Matters
All we can do is not fall into the trap and try our best not to do it to our own kids when we age 🤞
This is an insult.
A person's brain chemistry changing - and with this awareness, comes compassion and respect for a parent or anyone in this situation.
Set appropriate boundaries for both parents safety and your well being
Avoid the guilt trip.
Keep up your boundaries best you can. Call & visit when it works for you. You cannot pick up every phone call--be her only source--her only reason to go on. Grey block when you are with her, as in tune out what you know is manipulative with her verbal or actions. Does she have neighbors who are friends? Any other family? So many seniors do have a good social support system. I could not get my Mom to accept help in or convince her of anything. Just endured as best I could until God decided it was time to take her out of her misery. Your every breathing moment should not be consumed with running continual interference for her...
PS People: If YOU are not currently social & out walking & interacting with others, start TODAY! Make friends with neighbors. ..garden.. Get involved in your community...hobbies. Do not put your kids or grandkids through this. Find purpose & joy in every day.
Have you thought of getting a camera or 2 to help you not to worry? How about a landline as a secondary means of communication or use the camera to communicate as well. Best of luck.
All three also had dementia.
My sincere suggestion to you is set some boundaries and hire part time help. Is he still driving and is he able to do basic care for himself? Maybe he needs an occasional housekeeper to clean and tidy up.
Don't be so available.
"Don't be so available."
Geez. Really?? Your parents put up with you when you were childlike & TOTALLY helpless as a newborn infant, then a baby, then a toddler. We ALL cried & screamed alot as little ones & drove our parents nuts at times. Sometimes everyday till we got old enough to understand the world around us better & talk. And they put up with us when we were (at times) hormonal, moody, know-it-all, not-so-fun-to be around teenagers.
It's now time to be a grownup & return the favors they did for you for many, many years.
I definitely agree that hiring Caregivers & housekeepers to help out is very important, if the family can afford it. Because yes it's very important the family gets "breaks" so they don't get burned out, & even resentful. I've seen that too many times.
These people are sick. They're not thinking straight half the time. It's up to those who ARE thinking straight to come up with do-able & liveable plans for their care.
If you can't be "so available," find people who can be, for their sakes & yours.
Now there's me - the only one left to manipulate. Even when my daughter, a friend and a sitter all told me - independently on different occasions - that my mother was manipulating me emotionally because she enjoyed my reactions, I scratched my head. (My friend recommended the book by Cloud and Townsend "Boundaries".)
My mother had me on a roller coaster. She called me to her bedside in January 2020 after breaking her hip and told me she was dying. That tore me up and I got so upset I had to call my cousin just to talk through it. What he said to me has stuck with me since - he said "she is enjoying the attention". I was like....what???
I still hadn't connected who she was, how she treated me while growing up and what was gong on at the time. Eventually I began to realize that I was being manipulated to feel sorry for her so I would pet and coddle her beyond what was necessary.
I read the Boundaries book. I tried to define what my role as her caregiver required of me.
It's been a journey and I things are still not perfect, or as I would like for them to be, but I no longer allow her to drive me to despair in order to get attention.
It's really sad that our natural love and concern for our parents is taken advantage of, but it's a reality for many of us.
Peace.