How can I fake grieving when I have no grief?

???

Oops. Didn't see the posts regarding what a jackass your hubby has been. Strike my comment about being sensitive to his feelings!

Thanks Carol. Losing my dog has stirred up lots of grief - loss of my dear husband Bill - five years ago.......... and now a different kind of loss with Honeybun. Reflecting on these fresh "grief emotions" caused me to consider the topic at hand - grieving the elders in my home.
Most days I do okay but today I'm fragile.

I've been kind of waiting to see "which shoe will fall" but nothing is happening.
Perhaps a nursing home will be in the near future.

My hairdresser has this theory that they drive us so nuts at the end so we won't greive so hard. Maybe there's something to that? The other thing is a saying my husband told me just the other day: "Be good to your children - they'll be picking out your nursing home".
Lastly I'll use one more saying as my two cents "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all". As others have said remain dignified and stick to the "she's no longer suffering".

Marialake, you don't have to fake grief when they die. Considering their ages, you can simply reply to anyone who asks how you're doing that you know that life comes to an end. They lived a long time and now they are at peace. Please don't blame yourself for what you're feeling.

A bigger issue seems to be - couldn't they qualify for a nursing home? What do you have to have your life taken up in this way? You've lost so much and you deserve your own life. You could still visit and they would have some interaction with others. I'd look into it.
Take care of yourself - that is the most important thing here.
Carol

My MIL (90 w/dementia/bedfast) and my mother (90 w/bipolar) both live in my small house with me. If one or both die before I do...................it will be hard to hide the fact that I won't be grieving. My big wish at this time is that I outlive them so that I can gain some privacy back. I am a widow and some people think it's so nice that I have these 2 elders to keep me company! NOT SO!!

My sweet golden retriever "Honeybun" died yesterday. I wanted some time to "process it all." Time for me to feel the loss of my wonderful dog. I couldn't share the event with either of the 90 yr olds because .................well it just makes me tired thinking about dealing with their crazy comments.
When my MIL and mom are gone...................I will be beyond happy and relieved. It's a long shot anyway. I've got to wait for both of them before I get my house and my life back.
I expected my husband and I to be enjoying our 60's together...................didn't work out that way. I miss Bill in every corner........and now I'm missing my dog too.

Thanks emjo, you're a peach. I read it and responded to Funnier. That was quite a turn of events, alright!! xo

Punch -the most recent post - less than an hour ago - is that mil is back home https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/have-someone-say-I-know-what-you-mean-about-caregiving-152300.htm?cpage=10
check it out it is quite funny -husband got a view of reality... and more ;p

Judging from the above, it's still hard to tell if she is in fact still in the nursing home or back home! I hope it is NH for her sake.

when you click on someone's name it brings you to their profile. there are two tabs, wall posts & activity. if you click on activity you will see all of their posts. clock on the post and you can follow along.

Mil is back home again now Check out this thread with the latest

https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/have-someone-say-I-know-what-you-mean-about-caregiving-152300.htm?cpage=10

the MIL is in a nursing home, see this new thread that funnierthanme started:

https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/mom-settled-in-nursing-home-152361.htm

Really hope she keeps us up to date. I have a sneaking suspicion though that this woman has not come back home. Hope it does not turn into an unsolved mystery for us. Hugs!

LOL! no worries Judy. you have a lot going on. i just went to funnier's profile and checked her activity. i don't know how or why she hasn't checked into the funny farm farm yet; i certainly would have by now. she needs our prayers for sure!!!

@Pamela--just reading some of the posts--and you were right! Chuckled when I realized it was you with the health issues and the 4 children and not funnierthanme! LOL Sorry for the mix up--goes to show the brain overload at times...but I am wondering now after these few months how Funnier actually is, and if anything has changed for her. I am praying so! xo

Not everyone should be a caregiver. It doesnt make you a bad person if it's too much to handle. I work as a CNA in a nursing home and have residents who test our patience everyday. But we have a good staff and support system here to help each other. Maybe it's time to find a good nursing home for her.
Then you'll see when you visit her your time together will be more pleasant since you no longer have the stress of caring for her.
Talk to the hospitals social worker to find out what options are available to you. Ask about respite or having home health care workers coming to your home if a nursing home isn't possible. Good luck.

Oh...my...goodnes....OBMAJ ... terrimerrits must've returned under a different name? Ugh. I agree with PamelaSue, as usual. You don't have a clue.

~~~~I have read all these posts and I understand the burn out. I cared for my parents from a distance. I live in Wisconsin and they in Montana.----- I did not do it day in, day out.~~~

freespirit, UNDERSTAND burnout?????!!!!! you really do not have a clue and cannot speak to the women in this thread.

we finally got rid of terrimerrits, do not be another one of her.

freespirit44, please no guilt trips. no one here needs or wants them.

my mother was an emotionally and sometimes physically abusive mother and still is. she is lucky that i do anything for her.

because of her i decided to be the kind of mother i wished i had had, one who was actually a part of her children's lives. i never could spoil them with things, i spoiled them with my love and time.

this does NOT mean that i expect my children to sacrifice EVERYTHING for me! i would never want my kids to ruin their lives, their physical and mental/emotional health, their marriages and family for me. HELLZ NO! trust me, i will end my life before i let my children ruin theirs over me. and THAT is what a GOOD PARENT does.

Marty - There is some truth in what you say; however, there is compassion and caring and truth in most of what the others say too. Their comments, though some may appear harsh, are said in love - tough love perhaps - but definitely out of carnng for funnier, and the very difficult situuation she is in. Some of us believe that funnier can change her situation for the better, and are urging her so to do. We are suggesting that she explore her options, we are sharing the experiences we have had that have improved our lives, We do this out of concern for her. Now she has made it clear, which she had not at the beginning, (and perhaps she didn't know her own position then), that she has no intention of making any changes. On other threads here people have taken suggestions to heart, made changes and improved their circumstances. The suggestions on other threads were not worded any more softly than the ones here. Don't think for a minute that most of us (I can't speak for all, as I don't know you all, but I know enough about many from following threads) do not understand caregiver burnout. It is exactly because we understand it that we speak as we do. I have been burned out, with declining health, and feeling like I had no options too. But, I found I did have options, I followed them and everyone is as well off or better off now. It isn't necessarily easy, but it is possible.
freespirit - it is a very tough job. being there for someone from time to time is very different from being there hour, after hour, after hour. As we age, and still have to look after our parents, their needs/problems increase, and our resources decrease. It is not a parallel to looking after children when you are young, in my view and the views of many others here. To expect someone - or for someone to expect it of themselves - to give up their own health concerns to look after a senior, is, in my mind self destructive. I can agree that seeing that the senior is well cared for, is an obligation, but not that family, or family in law in this case, has the obligation to do it themselves, especially when it is tearing down their physical and emotional health. There is a risk to caregiving,

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2008 Rocky Mountain Geriatrics Conference in Salt Lake City, Utah, Richard Schulz, Ph.D. from the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine
- a heavy caregiver -- meaning that the caregiver must start helping the care recipient with activities of daily living (ADLs) -- is associated with the higher rates of depression, poorer health, poorer self-care habits, unintended weight loss, and increased chronic illness...•Increased caregiver strain, such as advancing from "light" caregiving duties to "heavy" ones, tends to increase caregiver mortality. In other words, caregivers who have heavier caregiving duties are more likely to die from any cause than caregivers with lighter duties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And we are cautioned not to take this lightly, and I don't.

punchnjudy - good for you - I wish funnier was in a better situation too, However, i can't completely fault her husband, here, though I, too, find his behaviour shameful. It takes two.
funnier, you have made your choices, to the best of your ability for now. I respect that. BTDT. My hope, and prayer for you, is that you move to a place in your mind, your heart, your life where you care more about you than you do right now. You are worth it, dear one. You are a caring, woman, a special person, please care for the treasure that is within you.
Love and hugs
Joan

Funnier, we would never ignore you! You are in a situation and you need help. Isn't it amazing your husband would challenge you in this way, saying he won't pay the mortgage if you leave. I guess he is happy being simply a meal ticket instead of a husband and that is your payment for being cook, housekeeper and caregiver. Others on this board may have some suggestions for you. I wish I did, as I would love to see you happier. Shame on him for keeping you trapped this way, I'm so sorry. Come here any time--we are more than willing to listen and support you, as best we can here on a website. Hugs and love.

The "prime" question on this Forum is: "Caregiver, how are you doing today?"
Funnierthanme is going thru a tough time. The responses showing lack of compassion with brutally , hurtful replies are monuments to poor taste and demonstrate a complete lack of understanding of "caregiver burnout"

Judy, i think you are mixing me up with Funnier.

Funnier, get a lawyer and find out what your options are re: divorce. You have let your husband tell you that you will be screwed, I really doubt that you will be. Often they can force the sale of a house with proceeds split evenly so that something like that does not happen.

Something you should do right now, follow the money, make sure he doesn't have any squirreled away anywhere in accounts that you have no access to. If he does, make note of them for your lawyer. Make a full accounting of all of his assets, etc. Do all of this without him knowing!

"I guess if I'm not willing to take the steps I know I should take, steps you have all suggested I should take, then I have no right to complain."

You come here to complain and to vent. That is perfectly all right. But please, please, state right in each new thread that you are here to vent, that you know what you would need to do to change your situation, and you are not willing to do it. Then we can offer you sympathy and pats on the back, but we will not waste our energy telling you what you already know and do not want to hear.

MIL is asleep and I've re-read the last 20 or so comments on this thread. You all are right. I am an enabler, I believe.

I had complained to my doctor about this situation a year ago and the stress I am under from taking care of MIL and from being afraid to even bring the subject up to my husband of placing her in a nursing home. He asked me "Why are you so afraid of him"? I guess it's because his words are as sharp as a knife. I think I used to be afraid of MIL because I thought she had some control over him, but I can tell it's he who has the control. I've turned control over to him at the beginning of our marriage, I'm afraid, and it would be WW111 if I try to get any of it back. I guess if I'm not willing to take the steps I know I should take, steps you have all suggested I should take, then I have no right to complain. Once when we actually discussed the D word, he said he would just stop making payments on this house. He said knew I couldn't pay for it and I would lose it. He can be the sweetest, kindest man on earth and get angry and be totally the opposite. I understand women who keep returning to men who physically abuse them. I am staying with one who has verbally and emotionally abused me. "Dumping" his Mother on me is just another thing he has done to confirm it. I'm free and she is safe here.

I'll probably keep my feelings to myself around him and just come here and cry and you can read my comments and ignore me.

Funnier...I'm not even Jewish but reading the post above I am compelled to say "OY VEY." You hadn't mentioned you also raised 4 children before now, had epilepsy, got it under control, got your fear of driving under control and were a wonderful mother to your children..and now this with the MIL? You are going to have to re-read all these posts demanding things of you to do, which I know you are reading, shaking your head and saying "easier said than done" but you know what? God led you to this board and it may be His way of saying you need to open your eyes, stop being the martyr and maid and caretaker to the world and start salvaging the life He gave you. You are more deserving than this life and your husband needs to also tell Mommy that hey, thrilled you lived this long, but we need to start enjoying our own golden years. How did that generation come to be so selfish? As I said, had this with my own mother who sucked the life out of everyone but let me tell you, when she was in her 50s she forced my father to retire so they could enjoy life! They never were home a weekend, were snowbirds in Florida during the winter, and didn't give a crap about anything but her own enjoyment. You reap what you sow. You sowed much better than you are reaping. Time's up. Time for #1.

btw funnier, my epilepsy and fears kept me from driving for years; i didn't get my license until i was forty years old. it never kept me from having a life though. i took the bus everywhere with my four kids, and i mean EVERYWHERE. beaches, waterparks, the San Diego Zoo, Balboa Park and all the museums, the Children's museum in downtown San Diego, Malls all over the place, my sister across town by two buses and the trolley. sometimes a trip might take 2, or 3 buses, and take up to 3 hours, but we went places and had fun. their friends were jealous and sometimes asked to go with us. i even took two of my sons on a camping trip by bus once! my jobs were by bus and by bicycle. i had to pull the kid's wagon 1.5 miles away to do my grocery shopping, load a weeks worth of groceries into it, (for a family of six), and haul it back home. I did this late at night so that the food wouldn't spoil in the heat of the day. i did all of our doctor and dental appointments by bus.

because i had been on medication and seizure free for quite a while, my oldest son's father and his wife knew it was more about my fear, so they gave me a car that they were going to trade in, and encouraged me to relearn driving. God Bless them. Nervous as hell, but with my husband's and my oldest son's help I learned. Failed the first test, got drunk and cried. Dried my tears, called back that afternoon, rescheduled the test for five days later. Passed.
: )

But the real truth is, I never stopped living even when I didn't have that license. I'm telling you the same thing I tell teenagers who tell me that they can't do anything or go anywhere without a license, BULL. I worked as a teen without a license, and I worked as an adult without one. I lived on my own without a vehicle when I got out of the military and held a job then too.

no excuses.

all of us here are in agreement, you need to put your foot down and quit letting both of them treat you like sh!t. for truly, YOU are the one letting them do so. quit making excuses! quit playing martyr.

it's time to tell your husband to make a choice; is he married to you, or is he married to mommy? if you leave him, you do get some of his money, so don't let that stop you. 49 years of marriage is probably going to get you some alimony. also, when you do leave him, he has no way to take care of mommy by himself anyway. has HE ever taken her to the bathroom? and mommy ain't gonna to be too happy with that either. nursing home will look really good right about the time he has to help her drop trow.

schedule your surgery for crimeny's sake! to not do so is just plain suicide.

Hey, Funnier...start the ball rolling. Go to the website care.com and find someone who NEEDS A JOB BADLY to come in and give you a break. You need surgery and you aren't getting it? This is where I am very angry with your husband. Please, believe me, we aren't trying to start WWIII here, but trying to get you to stop being Mrs. Nicey-Nice and realize this thankless task is taking away your life, your liberty and your health.

Hi again, Funnier...well, I guess the 'roll' is started now, i.e., you are supposed to come first (your vows, remember the part about forsaking all others). Hate to say it, but your husband is not putting you first. I know it's difficult but it's time to say "UNCLE" and tell your husband if he's so crazy about having her home and not in a facility, he is simply going to have to hire someone to come in. I don't CARE what it is "she wants" because just like my own mother, there was absolute selfishness on her part and getting her own needs met was priority #1. Whether it killed you or not, she never noticed. She managed to put my father in the grave, but my brother and I decided we were finished with it. Your MIL sounds just like her. I agree with the other poster who said she probably ticked off too many people in the hospital, and they just wanted her out. Same thing with my mother, she drove everyone nuts. Tell your hubby it's time to fish or cut bait.