How do I assist my elderly mother showering and washing her hair?

Phriezia, I help my mom bathe in the shower; here's our routine. I get stuff ready ahead of time. Nothing extra in the shower, just her shampoo and the soap. I have a chair sitting just outside the shower. She hikes into the bathroom, rests a minute. I get the water going and have her get in and get wet. I did buy a shower chair to use, but it's so large in the space that it is not so effective. Instead, I have installed a grab bar that just suction attaches to the wall of the shower. (Suprised how well it works, drive brand from Wgreens) She gets in, gets her hair wet, and sits on the built in bench (which she originally didn't think she could navigate, but she has). I give her an oversized washcloth which she uses as a "modesty cloth." After turning off the water, I get in, barefoot, w/ my clothes on, and wash her hair. When finished, I hop out and adjust the showerhead to stream water on her while she sits on the bench. She can then move her head forward to rinse the shampoo out, and finish her shower. When ready to get out, I use a big bath sheet which I hand her to dry her face, then wrap around her front. I hold it in place under her arms, around her torso, have her hold my arms and help her step out to the waiting chair. While she is in the shower I place a micro absorbing towel on the chair, a big fluffy bathrobe over the chair back, then add another towel-regular bath size, to the back of the chair, over the bathrobe. So when she sits, she is on a towel, has a towel on her front side, and a towel between her back and the robe. After seated, I dry her back from behind her, she dries her front. I usually include some back/shoulder massage with the towel in place, as part of the drying process (to give her both benefits of massage and to provide a positive reinforcement for taking the shower). When back is dry, I help her get her arms into the oversized robe and she wraps that around herself, then pulling out the bath sheet and using it to dry her legs. I use the towel from her back drying on her hair then. While she is all wrapped up, I dry and style her hair. As she has dementia, I hand her things which are lined up in order of use on the counter-deodorant, perfume, clothing items etc. Still standing behind the chair I help her with bra and top (she too has very limited range of motion w/ arms/shoulders. She manages the the rest pretty well. I help steady her when she is ready to stand up to pull up underwear. The robe falls into place to cover her as she stands and I pull away the small towel from the seat of the chair. This sounds a bit complicated in written form, but it is really fairly simple to carry out, and provides a means to get the job done. I think you can also buy modesty shower capes/drapes from medical supply places. For now, this is working for us and does preserve some modesty. On bad days, I have bathed most of her, then got out for her to wash her "girl parts" before rinsing while seated. I also bought some face wipes that smell really nice, use them to ensure that face, arms upper chest/back and hands start out clean on non-shower days. Keep baby wipes in the bathroom in a slim cabinet accessable from the toilet. If you have to buy a seat for your shower, my mom felt she would be more secure with arms and a back. I selected one with a non-solid seat, that will drain. While the chair itself really isn't that big, it doesn't allow enought room to get in, turn around, and seated, so get smaller one if possible. We tried using a hand held shower head too, but didn't work as well as I thought it would- need a way to mount it lower in the shower. I think they make chairs w/ a place for the shower head to rest if using that type. The one I bought claimed to turn off at the shower head, not just w/ the faucet, but it didn't and that just made for a mess. Good luck, and know that you may be the one wiped out for several days instead of mom! I thought I would never accept less than 3-4 showers a week for my mom, but we usually average about 2 per week. She showered daily until recently. She resists quite a bit, but always feels better clean, dah!! I have purchased all the stuff for non-shower bathing, but don't want to use unless just have too--my mom would forever refuse shower after she finds out there is another option. Let us know about the hairwashing tray to use in the bed...Don't worry about neglect issues, ask for the help you need. I'm sure they cringe when people deny having problems, when, really, who wouldn't need help figuring all this stuff out?

Amazon has a "no rinse shampoo cap" that you warm in the microwave. Mom really liked the feel of it and did a little massaging without raising her arms. I also use the thick body cleanse wipes to do her lower legs and feet, since these are hard for her to reach. All other parts she does on her own, what I do just gets her motivated.

My mother's home heath care aide bathes and washes my mother's hair right in a regular chair. I wouldn't have believed it could be done effectively until I saw the results. We don't have any walk-in showers, my mother can't lift her legs to step into a tub and she has a stiffness in her neck that prevents her from being able to bend enough to wash her hair in a sink.

The aide uses a very dilute solution of Johnson's Baby Wash for bathing, and a no-rinse shampoo for her hair which she manages to lather and rinse just using well-soaked washcloths and a basin of water. She's remarkably fast and efficient and gets through the entire process in less than twenty minutes, minimizing the time my very modest and often reluctant-to-bathe mother spends undressed.

Prior to having the aide, my mother was in a real fix since she wouldn't allow me to do anything for her of such a personal nature. If they're scheduling a home visit for your mother, maybe they can recommend something similar. I hope you can get the help you need — it sounds like you're giving her exceptional care and you certainly deserve some assistance!

Whoa, Phriezia! You blame yourself for your Mother's deteriorating quality of life? Is that because you caused her fibromyalgia, COPD and arthritis?

All of us would like to be SuperCaregiver, but, come on, we really do not have the powers we wish for. Some things are just plain out of our control.

If you can keep your mom safely at home, you are doing wonders for her quality of life. Don't beat yourself up that you can't perform miracles.

Work on each challenge, one at a time -- which is exactly what you are doing here. Be proud! Get help! Celebrate the good moments you have left with Mom.

Hi All - I saw that the original post was posted way back but all of us some time need some advice and new ideas sure helps. I also have to help my mom who is in a wheelchair to shower. We only shower once a week but I do not have a walk in shower or anything special. We have a handheld shower installed over our bath and bought a swivel bath chair for her which I put over the bath. I push her to basin - the basin is next to the bath - she grabs onto the basin and pulls herself (with help from me) from the wheelchair. When she is out of the wheelchair, I remove the wheelchair from underneath her and help her to turn and sit on the bath chair. She can not lift her legs to get them over the bath's edge so I will help lifting her legs while turning the swivel bath chair so that she will be over the bath with her legs inside. Then I will use the hand held shower to wet her all over, wash and rinse her hear and thereafter soap her whole body - at some point I will ask her to try to grab onto the handrails of the chair and help her to sort of lift her bottom for a few seconds while I wash her bottom and rinse it quickly. She also has dementia so we are having the same old routine all over every Saturday morning - she would start moaning and would tell me she does not need to shower - it is too painful for her and so on and so on..... she will even start to cry sometimes until I have her on the chair over the bath - she keeps on thanking me, telling me how she enjoys it! And then I will help her dry as far as possible while she is still seating in the chair, lift her legs and swivel it out of the bath again, help her to get out of the chair again by grabbing onto the basin to pull herself up with my help, put a bathrobe around her and push the wheelchair in underneath her. I does not dress her in the bathroom, not enough space - I will push her to her bedroom, help her sit on the bed and then help her to get dressed. I try to be very positive and chirpy when I fetch her for her weekly shower and ignore all her complaints by just "not hearing" it and make light and chirpy talks with her until she is on the chair.

During the week, she will not sleep unless her teeth has been brushed so I push her to the bathroom first after supper to brush her teeth and then take her to her room. I have a big bowl with warm water next to her bedside and I will hand her the face cloth and tell her what to wash. This works for us.

"Now, they are scheduling a home visit and I am so worried they think I am neglecting my mom." Please relax. This is not about judging you ... it is about assessing what help your mother needs.

We recently had an assessment which resulted in getting a Personal Care Attendant for my husband. I warned my husband ahead of time that I would be telling about his bad days, not what he can do on his best days. (I hate to describe his impairments in front of him, but sometimes it has to be done.) At the end of the interview the nurse thanked me for being so candid. She said she often deals with seniors who keep claiming nothing is wrong and they have no problems, and then can't figure out why they don't get help. I think many fear that if they admit they have problems they'll be placed in a nursing home. But the truth of the matter is, providing in-home care is cheaper than NH placement and the county isn't about to force NH placement if they can figure out a way to make in-home care work.

Please do not hesitate to be be candid with the person who visits. Don't worry about them judging you neglectful. They just need to figure out how they can make Mother comfortable and safe living at home.

Phriezia, what about a commode chair with wheels like they have in nursing homes? I would sit my mother-in-law on that with no clothes on, only a sheet around her, and push her into the shower. It had a hole where her rear-end went, so I had gotten one of those nice shower scrubber things that are soft with a long handle so I could reach under her and scrub her rear. She never had to get out of that chair, and though I got pretty wet washing her hair and body, we'd have a good laugh. Gotta have a sense of humor about this stuff, or it'll drive a person crazy.

Oh my goodness, such great ideas/suggestions! Nancy, I like your idea for when Mom might not be able to clean her "bum" down the road. And I agree, humor is extremely helpful. Jeanne, I do appreciate your encouragement to be honest and frank. I need to remember this isn't about me! I have been experiencing depression and guilt, mainly because I didn't know how to help Mom bath regularly and because it's so hard for me to get her 'out into the world'. I blame myself that her quality of life has really deteriorated. We had an invitation to go to dinner at her brother/sister-in-laws home last night. When I finally got Mom into the bathroom, she had an incontinence episode. She did most of the clean up, bless her heart, and was exhausted afterward. We had to cancel because she was so wiped out and we both know that she is pretty "ripe" to be going places. We're going to try again today. Kimbee, thanks very much for giving me the step by step process you use with your mom. I think that will be what I try next. You have described a way to tackle everything: hair washing and modesty...thanks so much! Ultimately, everyone, it's so nice to know I'm not alone. Most of my family thinks my mom should be placed in a NF...I disagree. I feel she deserves to be home where she is loved and valued. We wouldn't be able to afford a really nice place and the alternatives are less than desirable. I keep wishing life was like "The Waltons". I love that show. Family is most important, love is abundant and there is plenty of help!

Just throwing this in, but they also make inflatable showers that you hook to the sink and it inflates on the floor..you can wheel your mom on to it..inflate it..then shower her...they come with a small pump that then drains it. Could save you a lot of struggling and your mom a lot of pain. Good luck.. I am in the same position that you are but I wouldn't change it for the world.

Thanks for all the tips I just learned. I also had wound problems, not healing ect.. I have a mother that sits in a lazy boy all day and also sleeps in this ( due to her pacemaker she will not lay flat) No matter what I used the wounds would not heal, also in depends all day and night, finally after visiting with a specialist. Mom is off her butt (the pressure point) and lays on the couch for two hours to help with circulation. This helped but the actual solution came from a heated massage chair that was given to us, once she sat in that once a day for two hours, they healed in no time. This routine two on the couch and two in the chair which massages her butt and helps with circulation healed the wounds right away.