How can I help my mother? She is 88 yrs. old. She used to be a really sweet lady and down deep is still is. She was a great mother while I was growing up. Now she has dementia. These are her symptoms: she repeats herself all the time, she won't wear decent clothing, she wears dirty clothing, she lives by herself about a mile from me. She sits in her house all the time with the drapes pulled and the lights off. She won't water her lawn, she has ug sprinkling and has disabled it. She has so called caretakers come in every morning. She has turned the ac off and won't use it. The house is hot! She is nasty to the caretakers. She used to wear makeup and took pride in her looks. Now she won't put makeup on. She still goes to the beauty shop but apparently not enough because her hair is not good lately. She has stopped driving and rarely goes anywhere and no one visits because she is so cranky. I visit once a week.
So this is what is going on. I am old as well. She had me at a young age. My husband has dementia as well. His driving was so poor that he drove me in the path of a big truck and I became disabled because of the accident. I had to go to part time work. I just don't have the energy to do much for my beloved mother, nor can I tolerate the stress. I am in constant pain which the doctor says will not be going away.
My sibling is in charge of Mom. She is not doing much for Mom and rarely goes to visit her. She lives in the same town. Mom has plenty of money.
I would like to see Mom open the drapes, put makeup on, listen to music, quit being so cranky, get her hair fixed, wear nice clothes, use the ac and sprinkler. I would like her caretakers to take her to outings. If I suggest this to sib, sib says no. Mom has essentially given up. I just can't help her much. I have a lot on my plate, a job, a husband with dementia, and ailments.
What should I do?
My Mom is 83 and in, I guess, early stages of dementia. She keeps her house clean, has good personal hygiene, pays her bills and for the most part, tends to her daily needs fairly well, so far.
My hubby and I live 8 hours away and I have been visually impaired for the past two years so I can't drive to help her. I've gotten to her home, either because my wonderful husband drove me or I've taken an all day trek on public transportation to and from her home. I call her every day. Sometimes she calls me many times a day to help her reason through a problem that is overwhelming to her (like why the time on the microwave disappeared).
I suppose I'm piggy backing on your question here: my Mom is depressed, too. She has "visitors" *(hallucinations) who hang around the house, don't talk to her, sit at the full course meals she prepares for them - but don't eat, or disappear after she has the meals prepared. I could go on and on about her hallucinations! She is "aggravated, hurt, and disgusted" with these rude people!
Her mood is good sometimes, but when she thinks we are questioning her competency she is livid, to say the least. She refuses medication which may reduce her symptoms and will not tolerate even a discussion about having someone come in to help her.
I spent last night fretting about the situation. Today, I am physically and emotionally drained. My husband will come home from a 4 day business trip this evening and I need to pull myself together. This just isn't fair to either of us, but I am at my wits end.
I do have Mom's POA but my siblings think she is still "okay" to be alone all of the time. They visit her when they can but ... well, you get the idea.
This is just a dreadful situation and there are, in my situation, no easy answers short of going to live with my mother for a while and taking control. The last time I went and stayed for a few days she was aggitated and uncooperative because she realizes she is having problems. She views me as a threat to her "independence" and her friends support her view.
I love Mom and respect her. I don't blame her for her inappropriate comments or behavior. But I do resent the effect it's having on me, and I know the blame belongs to the disease.
So, my point is that while it feels good to vent here and I so appreciate reading the advice offered, we have to be responsible for our own peace of mind. It's easy for me to admit that. I just can't seem to accomplish it on a regular basis. I am holding on the the thought that I shouldn't feel guilty because I can't solve Mom's problems, that the disease is not in my control.
I feel like a gerbil in a cage on a wheel sometimes. Do you?