My mother moved in with us about a year ago. We're in the process of having renovations in our basement to accommodate my office and our guest bedroom. My mom sold her house a year ago and asked to have money applied to renovations so she had her own suite in our house.
Unfortunately, she has developed a drinking problem and we are planning an intervention, letting her know we do not want alcohol in our home at all and that we hope she respects that decision.
My main question is from a legal standpoint, in hopes any of you have gone through this before. Are we allowed to assert no alcohol allowed in house-because she has invested $ for what is would cost for her bedroom and adjoining office "suite".?
MY BIL was a chain smoker. Like, He literally could not NOT have a lit cigarette in his mouth. He'd come to my house and my DH would say "Oh, it's not that bad (yes it was) and he's my BROTHER, so I think we should let him smoke. And it's freezing outside."
I was pregnant with our first baby and knew if I didn't take a stand, I would always be 2nd place to this idol of a brother. I told him he was welcome to stand outside and smoke as much as he needed to but in our home, no, that was not allowed. (I was kind about it). BIL handled it fine, DH was furious.
BIL quit smoking 30 years ago, thank goodness, when his first child was born.
And yep, I was the 'baddy' for refusing to let him smoke in my home. He also was not allowed to drink in our home. He was respectful--hopefully after the intervention, your mom will be also.
You say your mother and has developed a drinking problem.
She's been an alcoholic for a long time. It's new to you not her. I know alcoholism and addiction all too well. I'm not an alcoholic or addict, but I've had it in my life for as long as I've lived. Your mom's been an active alcoholic for a long time but was able to hide it. Now maybe she can't anymore.
She isn't going to stop drinking because you make a rule that alcohol isn't allowed in the house. I've known drunks and addicts who hide their hooch or drugs out in the shed. Or who will tape a bottle to the inside of an outdoor trash can. Or who fill a water bottle with vodka so they can walk around with and have it in the car. I had a family member who used to hide her crack pipe and heroin syringes by taping them under the canopy of the baby carriage. Drunks and junkies always find a way.
Your mother will still get drunk. You and your family will still have to deal with alcoholic behavior from her even of you outlaw it in your home.
I hate to say this, but letting your alcoholic mother move into your house is a mistake because you will become her enablers that will enable her to stay active in her alcoholism. You think not, but you will.
If you're still determined to have her live with you, make her complete an in-patient drug and alcohol rehabilitation program first. Then a written agreement for regular attendance at AA meetings as a condition of living in your home.
I have heard of Seniors turning to alchohol later in life but I think Mom probably had a problem before she came to live with you. She was just good at hiding it.
If she has enough money, I would find a nice Assisted Living or Independent living if she is fully able to care for herself. This could be used as a threat, you don't stop drinking then u will need to live somewhere else. Your house, your rules.
Did your mom already invest money in your home? This is certainly complicated. How does she get her money back if she needs to live elsewhere? You'd have to pay her back? I thought of having my mom do the same here but decided it was too messy in the long run.
1 standard drink/day for men and women, and 'binge' drinking for men as 3 standard drinks and for women as 2 standard drinks on any occasion.
A standard drink is 12 ounces of beer, 5 ounces of wine, 1.5 ounces of hard liquor, 4 ounces of sherry or cordial.
Approaching this as a health issue first and trying to gain some cooperation from her - as her MD recommends this for her health - may be more effective than a confrontation.
Research substance abuse locations in your area and see what the options are for people over 65. Sending her off to rehab may be more complicated than you expect, even if she is in agreement.
You are all in a tough situation. Good luck.
It sounds like you know your line in the sand, that’s a good thing, no drinking in your house and that includes her wing or area of your house. If she doesn’t want to live within that rule that’s her choice and if that’s the one she makes maybe it’s the perfect time to explore senior living that has step up options so maybe an apartment or condo that has AL and MC options on the same campus if something like that is available in your area. She has already made the big move out of her home so taking this opportunity to minimize change of living environment in the future might be a silver lining in all of this.
Please try not to take her choice personally if her line in the sand is not giving up the liquor, it’s her disease making the choice and it may be more than one disease contributing but certainly a discussion with her health care provider will have a better chance of being helpful that simply duking it out with her yourself. Even if you get her to ask her healthcare provider about it to prove you wrong about what is ok and what isn’t, it gets the job done and might help at least address any other underlying issues (depression) that might be contributing as well as putting others this can contribute to (diabetes, liver and circulation…) on the medical radar.
I sure hope you can both find the positives in this process and not allow your differences or her disease to do irreparable damage to your relationship. Good luck
There is nothing "legal" about it. ITS YOUR HOUSE! And thats what our parents need to realize when they live with a child.