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My husband and I have been taking care of my 73 year old father for a little over two and half months now. He requires 24 hour care. It looks like dementia might be creeping in. He forgets my husbands name. Two other people can be in a room with him and he has to yell for me. It’s starting to really wear me down. I’m just so frustrated with things. To the point that this evening my husband and I had an discussions about how to put a depends on!
I am able to get out of the house a few times a week. But that isn’t seeming to help me or my attitude.
How do you cope, survive, manage without resentment?

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In order to care for an elder in house 24/7, you really have to WANT to do it, otherwise, the resentment and anger will set in & it's hard to get rid of. I know I could never do it myself, so I placed my folks in Assisted Living when their care needs required it back in 2014. Dad passed in 2015 and my mother is now 94 with dementia, and living in Memory Care Assisted Living, incontinent and wheelchair bound. I would literally have shot myself by now if I had her living with me........no way would I be able to do it! It would have ruined my marriage as well, to be quite honest, because we would have no alone time and no privacy.

If you feel you can do it, great. If not, look into Assisted Living or Skilled Nursing for your dad. He's still pretty young at 73 so you can be looking at a lot more years of care ahead. Be honest with yourself, and don't let GUILT drive your decision. My mother has had a very good quality of life AND care in Assisted Living these past 6+ years, and I believe her life has been extended as a result of the excellent care she's received by the attentive staff.

If you choose to keep caring for your dad at home, you may want to look into therapy to help you develop some healthy coping mechanisms to deal with the stress.

Wishing you the best of luck moving forward.
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Kmulheman3 Feb 2021
Thank you for your input
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Welcome to the forum.

Our lives change drastically when we allow loved ones to move into our homes.

Even if a family is fortunate enough to have outside help, it is still difficult to achieve a healthy balance.

Caregivers will eventually burn out if stretched past their limits.

Many caregivers do eventually place their parents in a facility as their needs increase.

The bottom line is even though there will be ongoing challenges in meeting your parents needs if they are living in a facility, at least the load will be much lighter than if you had the entire situation in your home.

I understand how difficult it is to decide what is best for your family.

I cared for my parents too.

I did a lot for my dad but it was a lot easier to care for my father because he was not living in my home.

It became very difficult to care for my mom who lived with us for 15 years in our home.

I felt the weight of the world lift off of my shoulders when I no longer had the full time responsibilities of being her primary caregiver.

Please do not ever believe that surrendering caregiving in your home is a lack of love for your parents.

The most important thing is that they are receiving proper care.

You do not have to be the person doing the hands on care.
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Caring for a loved one in the home is not for everyone. It can be done, but as you are discovering, it can be very overwhelming and frustrating. If you are feeling this way after just 2 1/2 months, then perhaps it's time that you start looking for the appropriate facility for your father to be placed in. That way he will receive the 24/7 care he needs by trained professionals, and you can just get back to being his daughter. Wishing you the best.
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DianneKK Feb 2021
I agree, these sorts of feelings after only 2 and half months is a warning sign. I say only, because I'm going on year 12 here!! Many here, even longer! Look into facilities asap. His type of disease will need professional care and to go ahead and transition him while he is still present will be better. For him & you. Don't beat yourself up! Not everyone can do live in care & honestly most of us are wondering when we get our own home & lives back. It doesn't mean we don't love our parents! We all have the right to live our own lives. Not for the faint hearted at all. It's been so hard but I still wouldn't trade the time I've had with mom. But she doesn't have dementia. That type of disease truly needs specialized skills and care. Sometimes in loving and caregiving we have to make the really tough choices to make sure their needs and safety are met.
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I think we all may go into Caregiving with a "romantic" outlook. Really TV, when I was young portrayed people with Dementia as little old men and women sitting in a rocking chair staring at a wall. It is so not like it. I think part of my problem caring for Mom in the 20 months I did was I always planned to place her in an AL. I was trying to sell the house and with that and her savings I could place her in an AL and after at least paying 2 yrs she could go on Medicaid. I was able to place her. Mom was pretty much in her Dementia by the time she came to my home. She could only feed herself. When she got a shower I had to direct her where to wash thinking it was better she did as much for herself as possible. I ended up doing the job. Then dress her. Got her meals for her. I was retired only 3 yrs and watched an infant grandson till Mom came. My youngest had been out of the house 4 yrs. We did what we wanted when we wanted. Slept late and then, it was like having a small child in the house again. I could be doing some thing around the house all morning. Going by Moms room lots of times but just as I sat down, she called me. And I don't do waking me up in the middle of the night since I don't sleep well anyway.

If it gets too much, don't feel guilty putting him in an AL if he can afford it. My brother and I both felt that our responsibility to Mom was making sure she was safe and cared for. I did that.
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I agree with the others you have to really want and be capable of doing it because if not it will result in anger and resentment and as in our case a total disaster for everyone involved. Remember it’s a full time job and not everyone is cut out for it and it’s nothing to be ashamed of It sounds like you are just trying to make sure he gets the care he needs. Good luck
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Resentment is useful. It is a warning that you are giving too much.

If you are giving too much, it is time to reassess & make changes.
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Sunnydayze Feb 2021
I loved how you defined resentment. I agree! Thank you!
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Well, I never had any family need to move in with us and so I cannot say how I would have handled resentment in that situation. (Not well, knowing what I know now)

BUT...

I have cared for elderly parents in their homes and have burned to a crisp and fallen down, never to return.

I learned the hard way that DH looks on ME as being an extension of himself, and anything I did for his parents was just the same as if HE did it.

Well, he never got on hands and knees and scraped dried poop off the carpet and peeled gross, messed underwear from under the bed or whatever hiding place his father had found. He didn't scrub with bleach behind the toilets and clean carpets that dad had bled into after a fall. He didn't have to get 'nasty' with his dad to make him shower. HE didn't dress open, oozing wounds that wouldn't heal. HE didn't do 2 am hospital runs b/c his father couldn't read a thermometer and thought 101.2 meant '102' and he had to go to the hospital when his fever spiked.

He didn't live with 46 years (and counting!) of his mother's hateful, nasty attitude towards me. HE wasn't required to stand on a small throw rug all during a visit because she didn't want me to sit down.

I did all this, and much, much more because I thought that's just what you DO for lo's. My attitudes have shifted 180 degrees to the opposite.

My FIL died, so caring for him, while exhausting, only lasting really hard for about a year. His mother will never, ever die, so she's in our lives at some level forever.

I simply went 'lights out' with her. I don't speak to her nor see her. I resent that she treats my DH like a stupid child and yells at him over things he did as a child. So he climbed the giant willow tree when he was 5? He got down and was fine! She had the tree cut down so he couldn't climb it again. Duh. There's a couple more trees in the world, lady.

I don't do much for my mom. I have a lot of resentment towards her over her being a pretty poor mother and much worse grandmother and a completely checked out great grandmother. I did way too much for her and now I do nothing. I'm not happy with this 'middle of the road' but I cannot change it.

Feeling resentment towards someone you 'should' love is such a mixed emotional mess. I just adored my grandparents and thought that was what being a g-parent was like.

It can be, certainly. But it often isn't.
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First of all thank you for taking care of yourFather. Saying that you need an attitudadjustment. This is your father and he is the only father you will have,you will miss him when he is gone. He gave at the minimum of 18 years to raise he worked many hard hours to pay for your birth, to clothe you, put food on table, for medical bills and pharmacy drugs not just for you but your mother and any siblings you had. I'm sure there were days when he also wanted to give up and resented your teen years of rebellion and times when you knew more than he did.oh yes we have all been there the nights when you was sick and he was up with you and didn't get any sleep. Stayed up to make sure you got home safely from a date. Yet he did all of this and more because he loved you unconditionally. I'm sure you did the same for your children.
Now you do need to get out every week to run errands , doctors visits, to beauty salon,etc. Call a home care service they will supply whatever you need if it is 4 hours a day or if it is one day a week. So you can get away even to your yard to take care of garden and flowers take an hour or two to the spa, get your nails done. Maybe they could have supper ready when you get home after a day out. Take a walk around the block . Home care will help so you don't get burnt out. Your dad deserves to have your unconditional love and care.
If you cannot get home care then put him in a hospital , a nursing home for a week or a long weekend and take a respite,a trip, a vacation. Enlist your siblings and in laws to come sit with him for a few hours.

I forgot, home care will come and bathe him , read to him, change the linens,etc. Or will do some of your chores. Whatever you need them to do they will do.
Good luck.
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cetude Feb 2021
Just because parents puts someone on this earth does not obligate the child to care for them old age. Nobody was asked to be born. The way it usually is with families, they will make one person do all the care. I got no help from my brothers when I cared for mom the last 15 years of her life. The last 6 years required 24/7 care, which decimated my finances. However, I do not regret caring for mom because she was my world. When mom died (very peacefully) she was at home surrounded by love and she never suffered. The keywords--I did not mind.

But after she died that nearly destroyed me after 15 years of caregiving. I am now gainfully employed and back to the pulse of the living, but it took quite a long time. I never got over mom's death...but I learned to accept and adapt to it because we all die.
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My parents used to say "the greatest gift we can give you is not having to take care of us when we are old"
How I wish more parents had the same attitude. Every family has its own dynamic, there is obviously no right or wrong answer other than do the best for you and your husband. Visit care facilities when you have the chance. Talk to the staff, they deal with situations everyday and can give you great advice. Sadly, there is nothing more guilt inducing than resentment towards a parent at the end of their life. You must remember - you have made the brave decision to admit you are hitting a wall. The next step is a plan to place your father in a care facility where you can visit as often as possible but still have a life.
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BurntCaregiver Feb 2021
Twithdogs, you have some cool parents. If only all parents would be so good to their kids.
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It is only going to get worse. Remember one thing--just because parents put you on this world does *not* obligate you to care for them; we were never asked to be born.

If you resent his care now, you really will resent it later. You have not seen anything yet! I would seek an eldercare attorney and do estate planning and get him Medicaid ready (if he is not on Medicaid yet) for nursing home placement. This includes POA, a Will, discuss living will (feeding tube, no feeding tube, code status), and pre-planned funeral.

Home care is extremely expensive and eventually will require 24/7 care which will impact your income. Not everybody can get a home job either.
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Remember that dementia tends to be progressive, gets worse over time and never better. You and your husband are probably realizing that you need more help to provide 24/7 care. Ask family members, friends, members of your faith community... to lend a hand. If you still can not secure enough help, look into paid help: home health aides, adult day program at a local facility, assisted living, and residential facilities. The staff for each type of care can help you navigate the type of assistance your father needs and the costs involved.

How to know you have enough help? You'll know that you are are the right track when you and your husband can:
get 7-9 hours of uninterrupted sleep every night
eat 3 healthy meals at a reasonable pace without stress
have "time off" to meet your own health care needs
have "time off" daily and weekly to nourish your soul in activities you enjjoy with people you value.
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73 years old is relatively young. You and your husband may have to care for your father for many years to come, and as mentioned in previous resposes, his condition is likely to get progressively worse. Is he still able to make deccisions? Make sure all of the paperwork is in order for you to assume full responsibility for him. He needs to set up Powers of Attorney for his medical and financial decisions, a living will that his his medical directives, a will if he has assets. You'll probably need an attorney for this if he has assets. Banks and financial institutions often have their own POA forms and Medicare and Social Security need to have you on file as someone who can speak on his behalf. If you are not able to handle his 24/7 care, you must have a talk with him, and lay out his options. Usually the options are getting home aides to assist you or his living in an assisted living facility. While you decise, also hire help such as cleaners, people to shovel your driveway if you live in a snowy area, a handyman to help with home maintenance, etc. if he can afford it. Be in touch with social service agencies in your area and senior networks to find out what your options are before you have the talk with him.
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As the song goes.What might be right for you, may not be right for some.
Don't let anyone guilt you into a decision that isn't what is best for you and your family.

I agree usually the bulk of care falls on one person as is in my case.

My 85yrold father moved in with me in Oct 2019 and having to care for him daily as definitely affected our relationship.

Family members give you their two cents on how it's your duty but none will lift a finger to help.

Aides come in a few times a week but again the bulk of the care falls on your lap.

I for one don't plan on being a full time caregiver for years and years.

Do what is best for your peace and sanity
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BurntCaregiver Feb 2021
You are right about other family members not lifting a finger. Concerned43.

That's why my motto is: "Those who can do. Those who can't need to shut the hell up". People do have to do what's best for themselves and that doesn't always mean the elder can stay in their own home or move into someone else's. Sometimes there has to be facility placement and no one should beat themselves up with guilt if that's what they have to do.
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You need professional homecare workers to come and help with your father.
How can you and your husband expect yourselves to know how to do the work of a professional in-home caregiver without any training or experience in it? If the two of you are together trying to figure out how to put a Depend on someone, then you need some help and that's okay. It's to be expected that you would feel a lot of resentment. Very suddenly and recently your life and home was hijacked by a situation you have no training on how to deal with, yet it now requires your attention 24 hours a day. Every need, every demand from A to Z. So please don't guilt yourself for feeling resentment over all that. There needs to be homecare services coming to help.
A good CNA with homecare experience will not only help with the caregiving, but they can teach you the proper way to put a Depend on someone, how to safely transfer them, how to do their hygiene care and many, many other things. These daily caregiving tasks can result in serious injury to your father and yourselves if you don't know how to properly and safely do them.
Please, go online to a caregiver website and start looking for potential caregiver help. If you hire privately you will be able to vet a person better than an agency does and the pay can be negotiated. Good luck with it.
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Use his Social Security Checks and whatever money he saved up to hire Caregiving help so you are able to take more time off.

Prayers
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Sea2it Feb 2021
That’s exactly what I have done for my elderly mother. Get help! It’s a godsend!
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When people get stressed and need a way to get the steam out of the kettle; they don't mean to but ultimately aim is at the safest person in the room. The person that they love and trust the most, the person most likely to forgive, gets to be the receptacal for the emotional regurgitation. They don't mean to and don't know that they are doing it. It is an nonconscious response to sickness, pain and stress. The person that loves them the most will hopefully be able to understand and forgive the outbursts.
He needs to see his doctor about these symptoms, if he hasn't already. There are tests for Alzheimer's and other forms of dementia. There are medication which slow the progress.
You need somebody to come in and help. Someone trained to deal with dementia and all that goes along with mental and physical decline.
Take care of yourself. Your mental, emotional and physical health are codependent one upon the others. Abuse can compromise your own health. I thank God that you have such a understanding, loving and compassionate husband. Do not allow what is going on with your dad to disrupt the harmony of your relationship with your family. There may be a time when you have done all that you can for your father and have to leave it to the professionals. Be prepared. I am praying with you 🙏💗
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Perhaps you are the one person your father most recognizes and looks to in times of stress. Can you get a medical assessment for his level of Dementia and its prognosis? His doctor might prescribe medications to address behavior and rate of progression of the dementia.

Check with your local (or national if you have no local chapter) Alzheimer's Association for learning more about dementia, what to expect, how to communicate, how to cope with behaviors, medical and legal steps to take, referrals for home health care and Care giver support groups, The Alzheimer's Association is a wonderful resource for dementia related issues. You can start with alz.org.
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Imho, you may have to seek other arrangements to care for your mother by using her financials. She is still a relatively young elder, too. That said, she may require many more years of care.
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I second all that lealonnie1 said! In addition, can he see the doc, get a good checkup, including blood and urine tests and discuss possible medication to calm him (**see below)?

My mother was 90-91 when early dementia was noticed. She was still somewhat capable, but not really safe at home alone. I managed by bringing supplies, food, take her to appts, etc (we had to take the car), but she really needed a safe place. My place wasn't it. My brothers were not going to be able to care for her. She moved (not without resistance!) to MC at age 93. She did well for quite a while, still able to get around on her own. She transitioned to a rollator (~95), then to a wheelchair (age ~96), mostly from lack of use and fear of falling, though she wasn't prone to falls!

Just after turning 97, she had a stroke. It slowed her down some, but still wanted to do what she could. She likely had another several months later, which is what took her from us, not the dementia!

The point is that she lived at least 7 years with dementia. If not for the strokes, who knows how much longer she'd live? Her reality was about 40+ years ago, but fairly stable.

Your dad is only 73, so you could be looking at MANY more years, and it will only get harder to care for him. You've only been doing this for a couple of months and you're already climbing the walls!

I would highly recommend you start looking at MC places and figuring out what he can afford. Consult with EC attys might be helpful as well.

Medicaid can help those who need it, but generally most states pay for NH, not so much MC. Some states do cover it, but not many. IF he could qualify for Medicaid, but not NH, it can cover some in-home help. It won't be 24/7, but his income/assets could help hire some additional help for you. If you have hired help, don't respond even if he yells for you. Let him get used to the help! He might also benefit from a mild dose of anti-anxiety medication, to take the "edge" off. Are his "difficult" times more or less all day, or certain times of the day? If all day, he may need regular doses throughout the day. If only certain times, like later afternoon/early evening, one dose might be enough, taken BEFORE he usually melts down.

Mom's only sun-down episode was due to UTI (**BTW, have him tested, preferably a culture, not just the dip stick test! Blood work too. UTIs and imbalances can cause dementia-like symptoms.) She'd be fine in the morning, but afternoon and evening? Yikes! The lorazepam lowest dose was enough to keep her calm while the UTI was treated. Nice thing about it, worked first time, every time and there's no need to wean off it.

You may get comments about how awful the facilities are, but that is YOUR job, to check the places first, see hear smell taste touch, to find the better places. Mom's place was very nice, the staff was great, the food was good, the place was clean, mom was always clean, fed and happy. I would choose the same place again, if I had to do it over again. I've told my kids if I ever need care, this is the place! They have IL/AL/MC, but mom had to go right to MC.
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I hate to say this but in life there comes a time when one simply can no longer put up with or tolerate circumstances. So do you like down and die or do you get up and do something about it. If you have done and tried it all and nothing gets fixed, you know what you have to do. You MUST remove yourself from the harm and either get a caretaker or put him in a facility. YOU will be harmed if this keeps up and you do not deserve that.
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Davenport Mar 2021
I agree 100%, Rusty. (I DID have to remove myself and I WAS harmed.) My sisters concluded that I (personally) couldn't constitutionally handle it, and one stepped into my place when I left. Now she has learned that it wasn't just 'me'--although we've never talked about it (she won't admit it or apologize); she's only said once in a text 'old age sucks' and some sugar-coated vague statement about being frustrated. My sisters would never have offered to step in and help--I had to give 45 days notice and force them to make other arrangements.
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73? Are you looking down the road at close to three decades more of this? Or are you looking down the road to the inevitability of placement for your father if you are to have any kind of life at all? There really is no other "answer" to what you have written to us. These are very difficult decisions, and only you and your husband can, together, make them. I wish you the best of luck. So sorry for what you all are going through.
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Davenport Mar 2021
How did I cope, survive, and manage without resentment? Personally, not well, which I eventually had to admit to myself and others. This group kept me supported and helped me, practically and emotionally, throughout. Life ain't for sissies, and I'm a sissie--but I did it pretty darned well, in retrospect; I have a clean conscience. Know you're always doing your best, using your best judgment, and have a lot of support and experience here. I agree with Alva, unfortunately--your father may in fact live for another two decades, and as most of us here know and accept, the situation our cared-for may be in now isn't going to improve and most likely will be continuously more challenging. I learned that the hard way over 6 years, and now my sister is into her 5th year of caretaking for our 92 y/o mom in her home. Even though my experience almost did me in (I did have to step out eventually), and now my sister's being 'done in', I think a lot of 'it' is that my two sisters, myself, and even my mom, were and are just avoiding and afraid of confronting the difficulty of 'the talk'. I'm grateful that I can still (and am) making all arrangements for myself as I continue through my 6th decade. Best to you, Kmulheman.
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You accept the fact you made a choice and it was the wrong one. SO now do you live with it, or do you change it? Personally I would be looking for a facility that can cater for increasing needs where he can become used to it before dementia develops and there has to be a change in where he is living. Get him settled now - yes there will be arguments, you will be the devil incarnate etc. (We had it for 6 months). However if that is not your choice then I would look for someone to come in for two days a weeks or whatever you can afford and get a job, even a voluntary one, so you get some purpose in life not just being a skivvy to your father. It isn't that you don't love him or care for him, but we aren't all cut out for being a 24/7 carer, and if we aren't then it is better to accept that and deal with it as soon as possible so life can settle down for all concerned. Love/care + resentment = dislike and even hate + guilt. So sit down with your husband and come up with a plan and execute it.
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