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My mum was sick most of her adult life with multiple cancers that she was assumed to live for a maximum 6 weeks on the worst one that strangely she pulled through and lived another 10+ years. She had Lambert Eaton disease and Myasthenia Gravis among other illnesses. She had part of her lungs removed from other diseases, etc. She was constantly sick, constantly in and out of hospitals. There was never a period of more than 8 weeks where she wasn’t in an ambulance. Sometimes she seemed like she was stronger than you could imagine and others you could tell that she was so frail. Not once did she ever give up. She had a winning attitude at everything nothing could keep her down at least that’s what she convinced everyone she had 9 lives nothing could stop her even being disabled and unable to walk or breathe or make food or wash herself. She still didn’t give up. On her final period she had a heart attack and surgery and still got back home. She was then getting infection after infection and waking up screaming my name, that she was dying and to help. I couldn’t handle it. I retreated to my room and allowed her to sit alone most days even though I’d pop in and ask how she was. It wasn’t enough. I’d cook, clean, wash her, etc., but I didn’t do enough. Most days she was just sat in front of a TV by herself despite me being in the same house as her. I don’t want to make any excuses for myself but I’m struggling with life. I have personality disorders and I’m on antipsychotics. Her very final week she woke up screaming my name telling me, “I’m dying, I’m dying. Help!” I ran in and I couldn’t handle it I shouted at her and not as gentle as I normally would. I picked her out of bed and rushed her to the bathroom shouting at her she needs to stop this she’s not dying etc. she was slumped on the toilet struggling after that I did the same into the living room where she spent most of her days on a couch alone I kept shouting at her she told me she couldn’t breath and she was dying. That day I didn’t give her oxygen didn’t check her stats didn’t sit with her didn’t make her a wee coffee nothing by the time I woke up again she was already leaving with the ambulance and I never got the chance to speak to her properly again. She died some days later and I can’t feel her anymore I really need her to give me a sign before she goes forever how am I supposed to live with the way I treated her on her final moments I was just angry and scared I solo cared for her for years watched her decline listened to her struggles took her to appointments etc. I was angry and didn’t know how to handle it I was depressed and instead of making more effort with her I gave up and did the bare minimum. She deserved so much more. My best friend is gone forever and I miss her so much. I’m not even grieving in a negative manner, I just realize what I could have done better and I need to live with these realizations. I know 99.9% of us would do differently if we could foresee the future but unfortunately we don’t get that opportunity. Every day I’d make sure she was fed washed had her oxygen took her meds etc. but I never spent time with her despite being in the same house. All because I’m socially awkward I don’t really know how to talk to people not even my own mum and it always made me feel horrible. It’s just a horrible realization that I COULD have did more for her. I have texts from her over a few month period where she was sending me hints as to her leaving and I didn’t even watch the little videos she sent me until she passed because I buried my head. Some of our last messages she told me how brave I was and how much she was proud of me and she knew how much I loved her and she’ll always love me no matter what. It’s hard I haven’t felt her presence yet, it’s only been a little over 24 hours. I just thought she’d have visited me by now.

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Grief is very hard. See a counselor or join a group. Everyone who looses a loved one goes thru it, there are stages. It is the cycle of life. Once you go thru it, you learn. But it's really a hard process. Don't feel guilty over something you can't control. Your Mom's health was just that.

Then you will reboot and have your memories. You are young and will make more. Honor Mom by having the best life you can.
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Well, imissher, it's good to here back from you
All in all you sound like , with all you have been though, your doing ok.

Keep hanging in there, one day one hour at a time.

My heart goes out to you
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Imissher, your in shock , your body is in shock, the aches and pains are pretty normal, but you need to sleep. You should go to your nearest hospital emergency room, tell them what's going on and bring your list of meds, have you been taking them? Or call your doctor. This is a shock and as sick as your moms been it was still sudden.
Do what you're mother would want you to do.
Please
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Imisshersomuch Mar 17, 2024
Apologies for the late response, I accept that she’s gone I accept that she’s no longer in pain and for that I’m happy but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that this world isn’t the same for me anymore. It feels so much bigger and scarier than before. I know I know it sounds crazy from a 35 year old but with the trauma I’ve had growing up and the life I’ve had I may have a grown man’s body but inside I’m still 5 years old screaming out for someone.

im stuck in a place of

I’m already dead inside after this loss and if i leave id get to be with her. I know she would understand and forgive me despite being hurt by my actions

and the alternative is

i stick around make other people happy i live a life where nothing will ever be the same again until i go naturally and I’ll be left with even more trauma

i also accept and appreciate hurt people hurt people and if i did it id be hurting others as well repeating the cycle

which goes back to I am almost forced to stay here miserable and broken just for others

which is the right thing to do I totally accept that

it’s just the colour in the world has drained for me long before this

and now that she’s gone the one person I held strong for

there’s nothing holding me back

I’m not saying I’m going too I’m just saying that’s the chaos I’m in and I genuinely don’t see a way around it

I accept grief I accept there will be stages I accept there possibly will be another day where I can learn to smile again

but I also accept there might not be

it’s just tough

yes I’ve been taking my meds but the symptoms are heightening despite this

including the symptoms that put me on antipsychotics in the first place

I know I should honour her I know what’s expected

I just don’t know if im capable or ready to walk this world without her

people say trauma bonds are bad and for the most part they are but beauty can grow from fire

and the bond we shared was a special one
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I would run, not walk, to someone who does counseling in grief process.
Your feelings given what happened are absolutely valid. You need help in managing them.
What we intellectually know doesn't often help when we are grieving.
Complicated grieving is such a problem that it is now a diagnosis in the current DSM-5. This makes insurance coverage easier for getting the help you need.

I am so sorry for your grief.
You already know the facts. You cared for your mother for a long time, and quite selflessly. It is hubris to believe you could be a god, a Saint, could not have moments that you went beyond your breaking points.
Your mother had years of dreadful suffering that were your burden to watch and grieve and your anticipatory grief had to be dreadful for some time.

Please get the expert help you need now so that you can move on to living the quality life your mother would want for you. Again, I am so sorry for your loss. I do not know what your faith-based beliefs are, but I do know that wherever your Mom is now, she recognizes well the years of selfless dedication and the loving care you gave her. Did you have moments when you were broken by it? Yes. That means you are a human being with your own limitations.

My heart goes out to you. I am grateful your mother is finally at rest and at peace.
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swmckeown76 Mar 15, 2024
If the writer attends a church, temple, synagogue, or mosque, s/he can and should also seek counseling from one of the clergy there. This does not mean s/he should seek counseling from a mental health professional as well. One of the priests at my church studied counseling (over and above the courses required in seminary).
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Someone with the health issues you have should NEVER have been expected to be - or even ASKED to be - a full time caregiver for someone who had the terrible illnesses your mom had. Even people who are in robust health - physically and mentally - would have struggled to take on the job that caring for your mom had become. It was COMPLETELY unreasonable for any of the medical professionals looking after your mom to think that you could do all of it alone with no support. In fact, if there was ever a total failure of a medical team to arrange for care for a patient, this is it!

Clearly, you loved your mom very much, and by your description she loved you too. You need to forgive yourself, because I'm sure your mom would have forgiven you. You did the best you could under truly awful circumstances, and all the angels in the heavens can expect no more than that from any of us.

You have my deepest sympathies for your loss and your pain.
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Hothouseflower Mar 15, 2024
I couldn’t agree more.
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As a mom, I garentee just being in the same house with you mom , gave your mom so much peace, you think you were not emotionally available for your mom, trust me your mom understood, you where there , when my kids are in the same home my heart feels full. so please try and forgive yourself. That's what your mom would of wanted. She sounded like a very forgiving person herself.
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Imisshersomuch Mar 15, 2024
I really appreciate your comments and your time and your care. I’m just lost and broken and though people will say it’s temporary and it gets easier in time. I know that isn’t true with me I’m different that way. Mum was sick for a long long time and even at around 6/7 years of age I told her when she left this earth I’d go with her. It’s just hard to believe she’s gone for ever now
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Please forgive yourself. I think you need to talk to a counselor to work through your grief and regrets. Despite your self recrimination, you did the best you could possibly do and better than most of us. Your mom loves you and understands. I am near the end with my mom, and despite being the most sweet and cooperative patient I could imagine, I look back on so many days I left her alone in front of the TV or in her bed while I busied myself elsewhere. I couldn’t do better, though. Just the stress of being on watch 24-7, not being able to live my own life, wore me down. I don’t make easy conversation and she had lost her gift for it, and I could not entertain or amuse her. But I have compassion for myself and my failings and I know she understands and forgives. She raised me after all.
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Imisshersomuch Mar 15, 2024
I know everyone grieves differently but I honestly don’t feel like I’m grieving I accept she’s no longer in pain I’m happy for that but you can’t replace something so meaningful and life genuinely just doesn’t feel worth it anymore. I’m not even suicidal I just long to be with her again. I know she’d be mad at me for that but I also know she’d forgive me. It’s just tough because I know she’d want me to get up get strong and make her proud it’s just how do you do that when your everything has been taken away she died so so fast. And the fact she survived everything else and it was a lower respiratory infection mixed with her Myasthenia / lambert Eaton that killed her it’s just not something I can believe. It’s almost impossible for me to accept
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I'm sorry for your loss. You did the best you could in a difficult situation. You need to get some professional help to help you handle your grieving and to help you figure out how to begin to live your life. I'm also sorry for your ex-wife, this situation must have been horrible for her to live through too.
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Imisshersomuch Mar 15, 2024
I haven’t been home since she died except once and it was alone as I don’t have any family left. I stayed for around half an hour and collapsed to the floor basically screaming please come back I need you just for a little while I’ll make a coffee and talk to you then you can go and be at peace I just need to speak to you and feel you. But she didn’t show herself I couldn’t feel her. And I left. Ever since I’ve been sat in the car at the water just watching the world go by with the knowledge that my best friend is gone forever and the void that she’s left behind I can’t fix it. My heart isn’t even hurting it’s literally gone like it left with her when she died I don’t feel like it’s there anymore as crazy as that sounds my entire body is broken my muscles are so tight they keep cramping and I keep getting stitches and I’m so scared to fall asleep that I haven’t slept since it happened and a few days prior to it. I don’t know why but the day before she died I cleared out all the cupboards and washed her pjs for her and stuff I thought it was because she was coming home but maybe deep down I knew she wasn’t I don’t know all I know is my best friend is gone forever
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I'm 60, have 4 boys, if my boys had to go through what you have been though it would break my heart . On top of everything you have been though, of course you have your own mental health issues, your human . You did the best you could do in a horrible situation.
And loosing a mom at a young age is horribly hard. As for feeling your mom, I believe you will when the time is right. But you also need grief counseling. And you need to take care of yourself, be kind to yourself, think about what you would say to a friend that went through what you have been though.


And believe with all your heart that your mom is finally at peace. And as a parent Im 100 percent sure she is watching over you

As for feeling like a kid again, I think we all feel that way at times. I lost my 88 yr old mom in Walmarts one day. I felt like I was 5 yrs old searching for mommy. We all feel that way at times
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Imisshersomuch Mar 15, 2024
I don’t even have time to process that she’s dead I broke up with my wife a few months back she left because my mental health was ruining her I lost my job and I took a really bad mental health collapse. I am watched over by psychiatrists and community psychiatric nurses and psychologists and on anti psychotics etc. I had never had a mental break down before until that point. I ended up back at my mums place and as silly as it sounds we used to joke she’d live forever because nothing could stop her even when doctors would expect her to die so we where all convinced we’d have more time.

i can’t even process her death or grieve yet because I’m going to be homeless in less than 14 days due to the house being council based and in her name

im just trying to clean the house up and get things in order and cancel things and stuff

but I can’t everytime I enter her house I break down begging her to show me a sign come back to me just for a moment I’d make her a wee coffee

and she didn’t show

I spoke to her picture last night for hours and it randomly rained as I was crying for all of 2 minutes and the weather report didn’t show any rain

so I’m not sure if it was a sign or I’m just desperate

on top of losing the house I’m losing my only mode of transport as again it was a disability vehicle for her

this isn’t a pity party for me those things are just objects but losing the house hurts because it’s where my memories of her are

my issues is with my diagnosed conditions my brain literally deletes memories specially when under stress

I already forget what she sounds like and it’s killing me inside I can’t remember her voice and it’s only been a little over 1 day she’s been gone

I know I’m 35 but I honestly feel like I’m a terrified little kid

I don’t know what my next move is or where I go from here or where I’m going to live or how I’m going to afford it but those things as selfish as they sound are preventing me from properly grieving my mother

my entire body feels like it’s on fire I can’t eat I can’t sleep I can’t focus any water I drink doesn’t stay down even sleeping tablets aren’t putting me to sleep

I’m terrified I’m going to forget her

or what if I miss her sign

I miss her so incredibly much

I was reading the little messages I do have left from her and for the past two months she had been sending me signs that she was dying and I couldn’t pull my head out of the same to read them or watch the little videos she sent me

now she’s gone all I can do is read them and watch them

and I don’t think I can ever forgive myself for letting her die all alone

time really is one thing we shouldn’t take for granted once it’s gone it’s gone

thank you so much for your kind words you’ve no idea how much it means to me

i just want to be with her again and i know if i do something bad to myself to be with her ill be letting her down so much

but i can’t help wanting to be with her

she was my world and i know everyone says that but me and my mum had been through a lot

we where trauma bonded and although trauma bonds aren’t normally seen as a good thing

with me and my mum it was it bonded us for life

when she had her heart attack a few months ago I promised her she’d never go through anything alone ever again things would be happy and perfect I’d stop my mental health stuff I’d be there with her

and I failed her I know people will say I didn’t but I know in my heart I did

the poor woman never had a good life

her first husband tried to kill her in a DV marriage etc and even then this woman went to his hospital bed when he died with alchohol and forgave him gave him peace to leave this world

her second husband my dad left her when she had cancer and went with another woman

she forgave him and gave her blessing to him

like how am I supposed to go on without her
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Oh my you poor thing, I'm not a cryer but your story brought it out of me. I am so deeply sorry. It's 5 am that's about all I can say, so early and through my tears at this point.

I am curious as to your age?
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Imisshersomuch Mar 15, 2024
Hi there thank you for talking with me. I’m 35 but for some reason I feel like I’m a kid again just afraid and needing his mother. I didn’t explain stuff to well above I didn’t know how to or even what I was really typing or how much space I had to type sorry if it didn’t add up. I’ve been begging her to come to me just for a few seconds before she goes but I haven’t felt her and I haven’t seen her. It hurts and it’s confusing because she only hung on for me all just happened so fast. Just doesn’t make sense she overcame cancer 4 times including one where she was meant to die within six weeks she overcame a heart attack she overcame all her diseases and it was a chest infection that took her away from me. I keep re reading our messages together or the ones I have left I deleted our chat a few months ago because we had a stupid fight now I have almost nothing to remember her by
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