I am 66 years old and hoped to move to a small condo in a retirement community. My mother kept saying... Yes we'll move and she would consider an assisted living facility near the condo.
But she refused to look at any of the brochures or real estate.
She demanded that I stay with her on her house to help.
This went on for about 6 years, and I grew more and more depressed by her not letting me move out.
Last April she fell once again at home, but this time she was left unable to stand or walk and became totally incontinent. She would need 24 7 care.
I felt like the ground had opened up beneath me..... She didn't even seem upset, but I saw my future go out the window. She would need help with everything. The SNF admitted her to rehab, which I thought was ridiculous. It was a medicare bed, which was very lucrative fot the SNF. There was no way that this fragile, demented, bedridden, incontinent woman would benefit from any kind of rehab.
I pleaded with the palliative care nurse at the hospital to evaluate my mother for hospice.... But she refused, saying that normal aging doesn't qualify for hospice. She recanted when I called back to complain that vascular dementia is a terminal illness, and not part of normal aging.
I am so aggravated with my mother for leading me on to believe that we'd move, while she really was just stalling and had no intention to carry through with plans to move and downsize to a more suitable area for me....... It was more convenient for her to lead me on, chauffeur her around and do the house work.
Now she has passed away and I am left with all the headaches she left behind, and a future that I feel was stolen from me.
Vascular dementia can be so insidious that I really did not know that her gait and balance issues were a sign of dementia...... I truly thought these issues were from osteoarthritis of the knees and a past hip fracture.
I am so resentful and depressed now that I am left holding the bag. I find it hard to enjoy anything anymore. I was consumed by her during life with caregiving, and finding facilities for her.... And eventually making arrangements for home hospice.
I can't believe I was so naiive to trust this narcissistic mother that had her wishes carried out at the expense of mine. And that went on for years, before her mind deteriorates to an unbelievably low state.. Like a child demanding juice and when she was about to soil her diapers.... Progressing to delusions and hallucinations.
I am so angry with both myself and my late mother for believing any of her lies......and just helping her in her house. She had no regards to what was appropriate for me, just to stay In her house and help her.
Now I am left with grieving and also feeling great resentment. Towards my late mom
I am left with all the affairs she didn't want to deal with.... Selling the house if possible, her disorganized papers which I tried to explain to her years ago had to be put in some order for me to deal with... As she was getting up there in age and someone would have to carry on after she passes away...... She always refused any help with this.
Now I am grief stricken trying to deal with all her affairs after she passed.... And not caring that things should be put in order for me to carry on after her death... Including never selling the house.
I find myself no longer being able to enjoy things I once did, and wasted time dealing with a baseline stubborn mother only caring about herself.... And not even realizing for all the years that she was using me...... realizing that her mind and body were deteriorating and she needed someone to lean on.
I cannot move on without great resentment towards her, and naiivity on my part. I feel like she has sapped me of any pleasure or plans for a desired future.
Does anyone know of ways to become happy again after being led down this garden path by a mother who whose main concern was herself?
Your mother, the mother you wish she had been, the childhood you could have had, the opportunity for your relationship with her to change...
Your caregiving years, the self you thought you were, the choices unmade, the freedom you want to be feeling that is yet to come because of the things left to do,
Complex grief is best unpacked carefully, and if possible with help from a professional. There's no right speed to moving on from a loss, but feeling like there's no future could be a sign that you need help, not just a supportive environment.
What's done is done though.
You are still here. You are alive and you are whole. Don't let yourself think otherwise.
I was left in a similar position myself. My father left me in an enormous mess when he had a stroke and passed away at 91. He left nothing in order. In fact, I didn't even know what his checking account number was or where he kept any of his paperwork. He was very secretive and never bothered to update anything.
I made some mistakes sure, because I was flying blind. I got through it and managed as best I could to settle his estate and it got done in the end.
You did right by your mother and that should be what helps you regain some joy in life. Maybe she wouldn't have done the same for you and if such is the case, you're a better person than she was and that's something.
Being a slave to caregiving is not your life anymore. You've been freed from Pharoah (your mother). Stop letting your experience define the rest of your life.
It is good that you found this group. The people here in this forum help. Even if you just need to vent about your experience because that too helps a lot.
Hang in there and do the best you can settling her estate because that's all you can do. No one can do better than their best, and it's good enough. God bless and I hope you find some joy to your life.
I’m primary caregiver (62 years old) for my 94 year old mother with dementia...she hasn’t walked for 5 years. She’s been incontinent even longer. Now she’s not sure when she has to do #2...and because it’s a whole production to put her on commode...put on vest & hook it to lifting machine...& sometimes she starts yelling to take her off because her tuchus hurt....now my private pay caregiver & I put her to bed earlier...& whatever comes out in the diaper..gets cleaned up after the fact. Not pretty, but that’s what I have to do now. My mother was in SNF for about 10 months after a fall ...& needed emergency surgery in June 2016...& never regained her ability to walk...but I took her home anyway...with equipment & part time private pay caregivers ...I even went to work part time when they were with my mother..& in the past year, kept her home & away from the Covid that was rampant in every NY nursing facility...
A couple months ago, she thought she could walk & fell out of her wheelchair..we went to ER & she got stitches..& spent a couple weeks in short term rehab...& then back home again...if not for not being able to visit regularly without notice...would have left her there...my mother called me “Miss Plastic “ when I had compassion visits...I had to wear a gown, mask 😷 & she didn’t even recognize who was feeding her...
My advice is to begin slowly to enjoy your life..you don’t have to spend the entire day on paperwork or meetings with lawyers...Also try to visit your house of worship & get counseling there. They may have support groups too.
With dementia, your mother was unable to prepare papers & make it organized.
For most of your caregiving years, your mother was able to walk & toilet herself. It was only the last year she was incontinent and unable to walk ?
Even though your mother was probably just as ungrateful or unappreciative as my mother is, you still should know that she probably did appreciate all of your care.
You sacrificed your life, but your life is now just beginning. Make the most of it. Bring joy & happiness into it.
Great Big Hugs 🤗 to you
That got a chuckle out of me, not because it's funny (though on some level it is), but because I've never heard anyone else besides my mother use that term!
1. Rest... go to sleep early.
2. Retain help...find legal help and a counselor.
3. Do one major thing for yourself... I completely changed my hair (lol!).
4. Write out on paper what you need to do.
5. Write out on paper what you would like your life to look like, how you want to feel and review it every single day.
6. Take small steps to move forward each week.
Again, these are actions that have helped me are continuing to help me.
I understand what you are experiencing. Best wishes for a brand new life!
hug!! it must have been tough.
i’ll try your point 5.
:)
part of the problem for many of us, is that our lives/feelings are like marionettes:
...of course, often unintentional, others’ health crises affect us
...but sometimes their behavior is intentional (for example abuse/torture towards caregiver family member/often daughter)
of course, the more money available, the more you can give the work to other people...
but many of us are not in such a wealthy position.
i just want to send a BIG hug to all of us, caring (in whatever way that may be) for our loved ones.
courage to us!!
let’s protect ourselves.
we have a duty to live our lives too, to help ourselves too :).
we all have our own moral compass: what’s enough.
we all must live with our own conscience.
courage!!!
have a conscience towards yourself too:
your younger self asking you, “did you do right by me too? not just helping others, but helping me too? don’t forget me!!!!! i had/have dreams. go for it!”
hug :),
bundle of joy :)
Getting on this forum is a good step towards regaining one's life. I know it's helped me very much.
I wish you luck.
As for the mess she left behind, get some assistance.
I wish you peace, joy and happiness.
My struggle is “how to forgive” for me to move on.
My mother was very physically/emotionally and verbally abusive.
I need to learn how to forgive when I am so angry and resentful that I am my mothers only family member who checks in on her at assisted living. She has no family or friends left in her life. I pay her rent/bills with her SS. She is mean, ungrateful, miserable, demanding and rude.
it makes me sad that she chose to live this life. But I’m so angry at her for choices she had made in her lifetime.
she is a narcissist. Everything is always about her needs. No one else’s.
How do you forgive your abuser you are now stuck with caring for? Because there is absolutely no one else to do it? My sister had been estranged from her for 20 yrs. (after trying to help her) my 2 younger brothers have passed away.
I am the oldest and a daughter.
There will come a day when you feel less burdensome but only if you work to make progress rather than overwhelming yourself with all that bothers you so. If you can focus each day on some mission you are helping yourself which you deserve. This is going to require you to not overly focus on all that resentment you presently feel. It may feel that letting go is not what you deserved but ask yourself if you want to feel this way every day.
Please take the advice you have been given and work to establish a routine which will lead to the affairs lessening. At 66 you have alot of years ahead and can one day feel you have control of your life back. I hope you are able to accomplish things to get to that point.
Stage 1 - Denial (all those statements of being innocent and unaware)
Stage 2 - Anger (all those statements of resentment)
Stage 3 - Bargaining (activities that are ineffective in changing the situation)
Stage 4 - Depression (most caregivers experience a touch of this sadness and feelings of burn out)
Stage 5 - acceptance (finding peace with the circumstances)
May I suggest that you probably need a group of caring people who "have been there" to meet with on a regular basis. I like GriefShare since all the members are dealing with the loss of a loved one. They give the best advice.
May I also suggest that meet you with a counsellor weekly for awhile. You appear to need a professional to help you process the past issues of caring for your mom as well as moving forward into life without her. You are still young enough to move to that condo you dreamed of. Take a year to settle mom's affairs and figure out your own next steps. The counsellor can also recommend a psychiatrist if you are dealing with depression - which is the "common cold" of mental health.
Give yourself time to go through the grieving process with folks who can help you. You can come out on the other side of grief better than how you went in.
I am going through the same thing right now but the thing is I escaped but she is now putting my mom through the same thing and it make me so angry because she is slowly killing my mom and I am afraid mom will die before grandma and this sucks. We had a caregiver and she won’t accept that someone else can be a caregiver so my mom can have a break. My sister is now the main caregiver but my mom relieves her and my grandmother tried to pressure me to relieve my sister, not my mom, because she isn’t getting paid enough to do all of those things she was having me do for free. This lady is so helpful she wanted to get me into trouble with false accusations of elder abuse and my family didn’t care. My family was treating me so horribly as well and I never understood why. my family tried to pressure me and no one else to watch her knowing after what she put me through and it has triggered a major ptsd and I made a public Facebook post stating that I am taking a two week sabbatical and they could go eff themselves saying no one should ever be forced into an abusive relationship, forced to stay or go back. I kind of regret the putting it on Facebook part because it was public but I was being pushed and snapped.
What was helping me talk about it and try to heal on forums and online ways. It helps you hear people tell you it’s not your fault.
Also, here is my advice to you. It’s over your mom is gone and don’t let her waste anymore of your time with anger and make you feel it’s lost. You can go to the place you want love you life. You lived and learn and never let a family member hold you prisoner again. Live your life and travel and be happy and talk about all you want but still love your life
You know sometimes our elders need a bit of tough love in their lives.
If grandma refuses outside paid help and expects your mother to be a slave to her needs and wants, that's when it's time for the ultimatum.
Cooperate with the help being offered or be on your own which will result in nursing home placement.
Then let that be the end of it. The needy seniors in our lives must be made to understand that every caregiving situation fails miserably when the care is not done on the caregiver's terms. Sometimes the only way for that lesson to be learned is to ignore them. The ones still with it enough to realize they need help will then accept the help. The ones not with it enough don't belong at home anymore.
There are selfish people out in the world and chances are we might be related to a few.
im sorry for the grief you are going through, especially alone. Sometimes the child becomes the parent and vice versa. I wish you had someone to talk to so you could have taken more of a stance with her.
when you are finally able to breathe without any weight on your chest from the past stress, you will get the things needed accomplished. In due time.
credit yourself for the hard work you put in and sacrificed. I hope to feel that one day. It’s hard when time is flying with no help.
that mental abuse — it’s a b!+c/-/. I’m with you on that.
if you have friends, get out and see them. Not just once or twice. Keep spending time, distract the brain.
I wish I could give you hug so you know you’re not alone in this struggle.
I see you mentioned you’re angry with yourself. You’re taking ownership. You see reality. And reality sucks. I hate hearing about how people lost a couple years from their lives. Give me a break. No one can do what you gave, and myself, as well. I gave decades. Dumping a parent off somewhere is just... no words.
you will have to figure out how to get over the anger now so hopefully you can look back and see the amazing person you.
Making a list also helps! Knock one thing off a day if it gets too much. If you can get one thing accomplished, that first step, you’ll feel so good. But you can slip off.
life is a headache. No one will understand a day in our shoes unless they’ve put their life into it.
I wish you the best and I know the best will come.
dementia is a demon. And sometimes a violent one.
please remember, don’t forget, through all the let downs put on your plate, you are an amazing daughter to a sick mother.
it won’t be overnight, returning to normal. Who can after a parents death. If there were any good moments from the past, only concentrate on those.
I want to be laughing and loving, outgoing and optimistic again. Who knows if I ever will.
Just take it one day at a time.
xoxo
You chose to stay and care for your mom, and I'm sure you did a great job, so allow yourself time to grieve, and then slowly but surely start taking baby steps to reclaiming your joy. It's there. You just have buried it from all your years of caregiving.
You're still young at 66, and you have so much of your life left, so please don't waste it dwelling on what could of, should of, or would of been. That's a waste of time, and it will get you nowhere fast. Get out there and start enjoying life again. And you may have to go see a therapist to work all these negative feelings out, so when the joy comes, and it will, you will be open to experience it. God bless you as you now start your new life.
Were those years caring for your late mother stolen from you? Or can you sleep soundly with the confident knowledge that you devoted a portion of your life to doing something good and kind for another person? It is easy to be nice to nice people. You met a higher challenge. You sound like the sort of person I would admire.
Ponder the past until it bores you to even think about it. It is always going to be there, but you don’t have to spend time trying to relive it or wish you could have changed it. Then turn away and see there may be bad things behind, but they are no longer in front of you. Your future is bright and ready to be created the way you choose it to be.
Her house, her paperwork, and remaining possessions that are now burdening you...? Are you the sole heir? Are these all yours now? There are ways to walk away, businesses that will buy old and distressed homes with all the junk and clutter left inside. Take any documents that are important to you, and any items, and just leave the rest. Walk out the door to a new life and future without being encumbered by the load you leave behind. There is a financial cost to that, in getting less money than if you stay and clean and prep everything to sell, but the tradeoff is more time, work, and frustration against a dollar value. Try to calculate to see which is worth more to you, the time and work, or the reduction in money.
I hope you can find some place you can go for a long vacation. It doesn’t have to be expensive or fancy. Solitude, in my opinion, is better for you while so early in grief, than lots of people and activity. A cabin on a lake? Some place you can just sit quietly and stare at nature? A few books along, or some favorite movies to rewatch. Then, by and by, you’ll want to reengage the world, and you will see an enjoyable future is still there for you. Maybe it is working again, or maybe it is just enjoying lingering over your morning coffee with nothing much you have to do during the day.
I am only a few years younger than you, and am learning life doesn’t necessarily need to have goals to reach for, or incessant work to be rewarding. Just living and taking each day as it comes can be the enjoyable future you seek.
I’m going to venture to say that your mom picked the perfect time.
Being quarantined, less friends, less outings, less distractions. Sometimes God does for us what we can’t do for ourselves. Forcing you to GO THROUGH this, work through it, understand it all and finally release and accept it. Cry it out-creating room in your body for the fresh and new you desire. Get a therapist and voice your feelings. And voice them again and again for a whole year if needed. Get perspective. “Acceptance is the answer to all our problems.” Accepting the family we had and the family we wished we had.
Grief needs to be expressed and released and you are doing just that. Take the advice of a good therapist and rest and heal. And start adding joyful things into your life. Turn on music and learn to paint. Volunteer somehow. Be accountable. Make a list of things you might like to do. (Dance lessons, piano lessons, tap dance, get a pet, start a yoga practice-online classes for everything. Try to get your writing published? Make a fat big crazy list). Somewhere on your path your grief will subside and your joy and peacefulness will overtake your life.
sending you love!
You may require a little professional counseling. I suspect right now you are looking at all of this together until it is like a gigantic puzzle thrown into the air. You need to address goals one at a time, and will need help organizing this.
I wish you the best of luck. The past is done. You did what you could and your Mom had it her way. She was lucky in that. Now is your time. You have some quality years ahead.
You need to take this one day at a time. You are going to need to push yourself. Get all those documents together. Sit on the floor and sort them. Deal with a pile one at a time. When it gets overwhelming save it for the next day. Some you may need to make calls and see if you are beneficiary. If so, you will need to send proof and either get the money or have shares/stock transferred in your name. One thing at a time. Important stuff first. If Mom had a will, maybe just let a lawyer be Executor and he can take that fee. That is all he should take is the executors fee.
Nothing is that important it can't wait until tomorrow.
Your relationship with your mother sounds very co-dependent. You are an adult who is perfectly capable to take charge of matters but you allowed her to define your life. You even blame her for choosing the time of her death! I know my words sound harsh but you have to look at your complacency over the years. Don't be a victim, be a warrior!
I lost the last 7 years taking care of my 98 year old mother. She passed late February, and I am saddened and overwhelmed with the task of dismantling her home, to empty decades of disorganized accumulation, sort through scattered documents, and sell it. I keep my eye on the light at the end of the tunnel, that this time WILL pass - because of course it will. The lawyer does the legal work, Goodwill and donations and maybe even a mock "Estate" sale will help me empty the place, and the realtor will facilitate the transfer of ownership. After that, I am free to start anew.
What I'm trying to say is don't ruin your future by holding on to the past. Grieve but don't blame. Accept the things you cannot change and change the things you can. You are still young and can make a great life for yourself if you WANT to.
I truly wish you a future of peace and joy and love.
Therapy can be a blessing in teaching you how to to heal and takencontrol of your life's direction.
Please, you need to seek help from a good therapist to get over this hurt and resentment.
Write a letter to your mother, tell her how you feel, how angry you are at her. Don't hold back anything in the letter. Then burn it. Let your anger and resentment get burned up in the smoke.
Everyday you feel this anger is everyday your mother continues to steal your life. And she's doing it from the grave. Don't allow her to do this anymore.
Go look for a good therapist asap.
If your mother was on hospice, then there should be some counseling included as part of hospice service. Do check that out.
Your suggestion about writing and burning it up are good... But the resentment goes deep and is stuck in my head.....when my mother didn't want me to go the gym because it was 7 pm, he said well that is her problem.... True if only I understood her better and set boundaries..... Now he says get on with your life...... She was like a noose around your neck..... But I have so many of her affairs to settle..... It is overwhelming..
.... I truly hate to be so blunt but I truly believe some people just shouldn't have children..... How terrible to look back at a deceased parent and feel such resentment and grief..... It then continues the consumption........ If only I was able to look back and understand and move on..... But her affairs to close out... So much work that still has to been....... Lawyers, etc etc.... How I wish I could just be freed of my mother..... Even in death.
Like suggested maybe therapy will help. But you may just have to forgive Mom for yourself. Then little by little get ur life back. Get that condo. Decorate it. Get in touch with old friends. Facebook is a good place. Its time to get a new life.
.. Right now I feel so depleted after dealing with my mother 's illness, death and its aftermath I feel drained of everything..... It would be so good to feel that in time enthusiasm will return.... Right now I am still dealing with my mother's affairs and it is as consuming as changing her diapers and having her drink out of a baby bottle was..... If only I could get a Break from that woman....... I hate it that she ever had me..... Some people are just not fit to be mothers
I am still trying to get her documents in order.... True I am fearful of his fees..... But the fees would be nothing if only I could break free from my mother and move on
There is a discussion group here you can join or just read the posts, if you'd like. "Caregiving for a narcissistic mother. Do we do it out of love or out of years of guilt and programming?"
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/caregiving-for-a-narcissistic-mother-do-we-do-it-out-of-love-or-out-of-years-of-guilt-and-programmin-463032.htm?orderby=recent&page=1�
Wishing you peace and happiness now....this is YOUR time to heal and find your inner happy place.
I think back to my childhood........ I am only now beginning to see the pattern....... It sounds small but I grew up in queens ny and desperately wanted to be a girl scout...... Since there were so many kids there, they said that I could join only if my mother agreed to be a girl scout volunteer..... She refused as she just didn't want to..... So I wasn't allowed to join..... Looking back I say she couldn't have even done that for me? If I had a problem, it mattered most how it upset her life.......... I really only recently began to learn about narcissism........ I really didn"t understand all those years. I was an only child and I wanted brothers and or sisters....... She refused to have any more children as she said then we can give you things......... That was an excuse....
What about the loneliness this child feels?..... How come all my friends have brothers and or sisters? One even told me how she would have hated not to have brothers.
In her advanced age she did it more and more and I came to research the phenomenon..... Narcissism...... Lacking empathy and putting herself first.
I finally understood..... True narcissistism and in a woman I tried to help and care for in her advanced years. She wouldn't let me out of her sight without becoming upset....... Even the hospice nurse said when I left the room to get some warm water in a basin., that my mother repeatedly kept calling for me even though the aide was right with her.
I am truly heartsick now that I have learned what I never knew about narcissism..... My therapist said that my mother was like a noose around my neck.... Another said she was like an allergen being blown into an allergic person's face and unless they left they would never heal..... I am so upset now that I have learned what was really wrong with my mother that I feel this oppressive gloom.... It's not missing her now that she's gone...... It's going along with her for many years only to use me up and leave all the problems to me that she didn't want to deal with.
It is really a rude awakening when you learn this..... And find yourself as I said before holding the bag.
It hurts to remember her in pain and resentment, but I feel so drained now and have so many problems that she left me with., that I truly find it hard to find enthusiasm in anything anymore. I would so like to heal some day but right now feel so awful that I am afraid that irreparable damage has been done. I pray that I will get the strength to move on happily some day, but now all I can feel is deep resentment.
It"s also interesting in how you put it.... About draining someone dry..... As my therapist said to me that you cannot be with your mother 24 7, and if you try, she'll drain you dry.
Consider therapy, it can really help.
You're free now, so beyond the feelings of loss due to her death, what other problems (financial?) are you having? Move to the retirement community you wanted to for so long and enjoy life.
This type thing when finally Understanding it, leads me to feel intense grief that my mother would do that.... And that. I didn't even understand until recently just what she was doing. Narcissism is so destructive that if not identified early and understood by the person can make them feel so depleted that nothing seems to bring any happiness any more. This is raw now but I don't even feel like time will heal it. I would like to just never look back...... But unfortunately even after a person dies, your relationship with them does not...... I remember that concept from a movie with Gene Hackman that I saw decades ago..... In the movie it was a relationship he had with his late father..... If only we could forget the dysfunctional relationship and move on....... But sometimes wounds and the legacy that a person like my narcissistic mother left me are extremely hard to heal..... I just pray some healing can occur..... And I hope that others that are victims of narcissism, recognize it early enough, to understand what's happening and heal themselves.
Also the pandemic is making things even more difficult for me..... I am not free to travel, look at condos,, etc...... I truly feel that my mother couldn't have picked a worse time to get so sick and die...... I almost feel that she had it in the stars to do this to me. I just feel so sad...... As if a gloom has engulfed me. I pray it is not too late... But I also fear if I can go on...... I wouldn't wish this predicament on anyone...... And if there is anything of value that can come out of it, is to make others aware of the phenomenon on narcissistic abuse and how it cam go unidentified by the victim for decades.