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I’m back bc I’m really confused.



I just got documents dated March 2022 from a new lawyer that my sister took my mom to.



she changed moms DNR status from a Full code to a DNR.



mom has dementia and doesn’t even remember going to this new lawyer. Before I could even legally resign, my sister had mom sign documents that mom wanted her only as POA and medical POA. And I would be the back the alternate. She also had new healthcare documents done stating she is now DNR. (This dates back to March 2022)



Mom was taken to the ER last month and intake says she is a Full code and says documents are present as well as confirmation from the daughter.



how can this be handled.




I don’t want to be the back up for someone who took moms money for herself and gave 1000s of dollars to her other brother that recently moved in with my 90 year old mom.



since then they have used my deceased dads credit card and Racked up 16,000 in debt in 3 months.



mom also has a Medicaid trust with the 5 year look back. In the past year checks have been written to my sister amd brother and cash withdrawals over 132,000$



Wondering why this lawyer just now sent these forms to me- over a year later. On them there is a clause that says if someone needs to be conservator or guardian mom also designed my sister.



mom’s dementia is so bad she said never changed anything but that my sister took her to an office amd she signed things my sister said was good for her.



I’m in disbelief!

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So--you WERE POA and now are not? Just the 'backup'?

A year is a mighty long time to hang on to documents of this nature.

I am assuming you & your sibs are not on good terms--right?

Since mom has dementia & cannot be relied upon to give the correct information, it's going to be hard to disprove this all. However, sounds like there is a paper trail and you can follow that back. All those 'gifts' of money? Gotta have a good explanation for that.

Sorry to say, you will need the help of a good eldercare lawyer to get this straightened out. And even if you can--mom's state of mind a YEAR ago isn't what it is now.

You need to see if the $$ spent on a lawyer is even worth it. They might do this for a set fee, but more likely, a percentage, which, if you WIN, will take a mighty chunk out of what you might 'win'.

I'm so sorry for this mess. Family can be great..until they are not.

Good luck in your endeavors--(BTW, does the DNR instead of full code make you angry or do you understand that 'full code' is a really rotten way to die? At some point, it's not kind nor loving to put a LO through that.)
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SavingMom2014 Aug 2023
Thank you!! I definitely don’t want to spend a huge amount of money . I just don’t know why this lawyer never sent me the new documents. For 16 months I thought I was moms POA and also medical POA and have been communicating with her doctors. Neither of my siblings have said otherwise.

at her age of 90 a full code would be painful. Her new document says this “ if I have a brain disease which cannot be reversed and makes me unable to recognize people and communicate understandably, I do not want CPR, ventilation, artificial nutrition, hydration or antibiotics; only pain relievers including those which May hasten my death (but not intentionally).

this doesn’t sound right to me.

also the orig POA said that if it were to be revoked the new one would have to be sent return receipt or certified
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A new POA is not obliged to inform you that they’re the new POA (that can be kept secret if they want). But you should have been informed in 2022 that your old POA was revoked. You didn’t need to resign: no one needs to ask your permission to revoke you. Your mom (if she was able to sign in 2022) had every right to revoke you if she wanted: and she didn’t need to give any reason. But she should have informed you in 2022 that (1) you’ve been revoked, and (2) you’re now alternate in new POA.

However, it would be very strange if you didn’t realize at all for 1 year, that your old POA document isn’t working anymore.

“mom’s dementia is so bad she said never changed anything but that my sister took her to an office amd she signed things my sister said was good for her.”

This kind of thing is very hard to prove.

By the way, if dementia was mild (2022), the lawyer would be legally allowed to let your mom sign. A bit of memory loss doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to sign.
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SavingMom2014 Aug 2023
I had no idea I was revoked! Mom not my other siblings said anything. Mom only said she had to go see a man at his work and sign things. She didn’t know why or what she signed.

why would a lawyer hold off on telling me? It doesn’t make sense. I’ve used the original papers to open a savings account for mom to use for home care.
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If you weren’t informed with a signed (and preferably notarized) revocation of power-of-attorney, the revocation may not be legal. Check state law.
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ventingisback Aug 2023
Right.

(Ventingisback)
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Talk to a lawyer tomorrow. The gifting may delay her Medicaid eligibility for months as it is and must stop before it gets any worse. A letter to their lawyer from yours might wake your sibs up to the fact that a sit down needs to happen between you three.

Brother should be fairly compensated as a live in under a family care contract that passes Medicaid look back from now on. Between him and other aides plus household expenses you could be looking at spending over 100k a year easy anyway, but there won’t be the Medicaid complication.

Personally, I would make that the main negotiation over the dnr. Any quality of life she has will diminish if she does survive a full code at age 90 with advanced dementia.
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SavingMom2014 Aug 2023
Thank you. My brother doesn’t take care of her. He is fully supported by her, paid for a car with cash withdrawals from her account. He was living off of her debit card until I realized it when visiting snd shut it down. Then he went on to a credit spending. It took 5 weeks to get Chase back to block use of the card. Of course they didn’t mind the excess charges bc they charged late fees and interest. But who is responsible to pay that bill now? I sent my dads death certificate to close it from hitting the limit
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Saving Mom,, her DNR now says ""
at her age of 90 a full code would be painful. Her new document says this “ if I have a brain disease which cannot be reversed and makes me unable to recognize people and communicate understandably, I do not want CPR, ventilation, artificial nutrition, hydration or antibiotics; only pain relievers including those which May hasten my death (but not intentionally). " Do I understand this correctly? That sounds pretty good to me! At age 90 I agree full code would be terribly painfull, full of broken bones and possibly more brain damage. and if I were in her situation I would not want CPR either! My Mom did not , and she was also in the healthcare field. CPR is harsh! However I do agree you should have been informed in a more timely manner. And if your family is using your deceased fathers CC that is fraud,, plain and simple. And I believe you can hang that on them.
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You can get copies of your dad's death certificate and send them to the credit card company letting them know he died a while ago and your sister has been using the card fraudulently.

That'll only cost the price of the certificate, and that might be a little sweet revenge if she was busted for credit card fraud.
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A DNR can be overridden at any time. My Aunt had one when she was dying from lung cancer. It was a sticker put on the end of her bed. She found she did not like that and reversed the DNR. Your Sister as Moms Medical representative can do that too. Even though Mom directive says otherwise.
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