My mom passed away 4 years ago. I was her only daughter/child. We were extremely close with each other. We had arguments but we loved each other tremendously. She was in the hospital because she became sick with cancer. I took care of her at home. A day before she died while I was attending to her she looked back at me as though she was trying to tell me something. That is bothering a lot. Before she took her last breath she was gasping for breath and I left the room because I did not wanted to see her take her last breath. There was someone in the room with her. As soon as I walked out the room she passed. That's bothering me because I feel that I should have stayed in the room. Sometimes I feel like I can’t live without her. My whole personality has changed. I now stay to myself. Very sad. Life will never be the same for me. I still cry a lot.
I intentionally left both of my parents rooms before they passed bc I did not want to see them take their last breath. I feel no guilt about it, bc I played no role in their passing, only age and disease did. Blaming myself would only ruin MY life and that's not what my parents would want for me. I sincerely hope my children can celebrate my life once I die, rather than give up THEIR lives for misguided guilt and sadness.
If you are still blaming yourself for moms death 4 years later, and feeling as you do about life, please see a grief therapist right away.
My condolences on the loss of your dear mom.
Your are a grownup now. You are on your own. My heart goes out to you but you have lost your mother as I have lost MY mother, as many of here have lost them, as all will inevitably lose them if things go in the natural circle of life.
If you had a kind Mom, as I did, you will always remember her, but whether you mourn endlessly or you celebrate a good life well lived? Well that is pretty much up to you and how you handle life and life traumas in general.
If after four years you are still stuck in mourning, unable to meet memories with joy and understand that your mom will always in some sense be with you while you live, then you need professional grief counseling.
Some of us hang onto trivial things in order to avoid stepping into grief. The only way out of grief is through it and as long as we can instead concentrate on what-its and bad MDs and hospitals and a whole host of other things, we can avoid facing that we have lost our mom.
Do your mom the HONOR of taking care of your own life and not squandering it on staying stuck in grief. That would break her heart. If I thought that any daughter of mine would do such a thing it would SHATTER me.
I wish you the best. Get help for yourself so you can move on to a quality life.
You did nothing wrong. There is nothing to forgive. You are blessed that you had a loving relationship with your mom, and she is blessed that you cared for her and were with her until the end. Many people cannot bear the agony of that last breath. Please stop second guessing yourself. I’m sure your mom knows how very much you loved her. I’m sure she would want you moving on to happy, peaceful life.
Your mom would NOT want you being stuck in your grief and staying so very sad over her death. She instead would want you to move on and enjoy the life you have left. I'm sure she would be devastated if she knew that you were still so depressed. Please get some help.
Here are a few lines about grief that one of the ladies(I believe it was Grandma1954, she can correct me if I'm wrong)on here shared a while back and I had to write it down because I thought it to be very powerful.
"Grief never ends but it changes. It is a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness nor a lack of faith. It is the price of love."
I'm praying that you can get through the passage of grief soon.
I didn’t want to see my mom take her last breath either. This doesn’t mean that I didn’t love my mom. I am content knowing that my mother knew that I loved her.
You state that you and your mother were close. That is a wonderful memory to hold in your heart. Don’t ever doubt that your mother knew how much you loved her.
Your mom would not want you to be sad for this long. She would want you to cherish the memories that you had with her and be at peace.
Wishing you peace.
We come into the world alone and we die alone, your being there would have not changed the outcome.
Since you feel that you cannot live without her, there is a deep rooted issue somewhere in your physic, therapy might be the key to help you move on with your life.
I cannot image that this is what she would have wanted for you, please take some positive steps to recover from this depression you are in.
Life is a song worth singing....sing it!
She said "people die the way they live". My mom was an introvert. She loved her own company more than any other. We loved each other and I took care of her for many years. But, when she died, she was alone. I stepped out of her room for just a few minutes.
I also had heartbreak over that after her passing. But, I have realized that it was the way she wanted to go, in her own company, and not putting me through the pain of her last breath. Many believe that loved ones can choose their departure time and date. Especially with dementia, they lose so much control of their life...at least they can control how they depart this world.
Get counseling.....don't put off living your life to the fullest.
And I bet that what she was trying to say to you was that she loved you.
I'm so sorry that you were not present when your mom passed. Many people want to do that ALONE. We had to let grandma have peace so she would cross over. Mom beat herself up b/c she wasn't in attendance--but I don't think gma would go as long as someone was sitting there.
Please, please get some counseling. Death can be so very, very hard to deal with. No matter how it happens, we are never really prepared for it. And it's about the MOST private thing we'll go through.
You did nothing but love your mom. Take that into your heart and embrace it. Many people don't get that peace.
Mom would not want you to beat yourself up over her death, You know that---please honor her memory by being the best version of yourself.
((HUGS))
See All Answers