My Mother is in home and wants to do nothing. How can I get her to socialize a little?

Hi Concerned12,

Thanks for saying that and I do agree with everything you said.

Hang in there!

Salisbury,
Your reply regarding your mom sitting In her room with the heat on and not socializing sounded like my mom! They have individual units in their rooms and the aides will come in every morning in the summer and turn her air on and my mother will turn it off. When I go there at lunch, I have taped the buttons on her a/c to leave it on and darned if she does not find a way to get the tape off! I was told they tend to feel "cold" a lot as they get older. I guy her tons of short sleeved shirts - she wears her long sleeve shirts. However, I also think they want to hang on to whatever they can regarding their own decisions and their own way of "living'. Even though it drives me crazy I have to feel sorry also - I am sure they are petrified to feel themselves mentally "slipping away" and they grasp hold of whatever they can for security and comfort. I have also found that my mother loves having tons of stuffed animals in her room as she used to have dogs and cats in her home all the time. Not only do these bring back some memories but they give her that secure feeling when she hugs them!
You are SO right that there is a good part of us that go to help ourselves feel good also and to feel like we are doing the right thing. That is a good part of why my son and I go also. We know she is safe and secure and, when no one else in my family visits her, WE are there for her - and she knows it! Give yourself a BIG pat on the back!!!!

Tricia51, I agree. this is some part of the disease or a stage of life (death?). I just got back from my mom's. She was in her room with the heat on! It was stifling. She wasn't doing anything. But she was perfectly happy. In the activities room (across the hall form her room!) people were playing cared and laughing and having fun. Would she join in? No way, Jose. But she played cards with me for an hour and enjoyed it. In the time it took me to drive home (about 20 minutes), however, she will have forgotten that I was there.

Bottom line, I go for myself. Not for her. Sad to say but true. If I go, I feel that I did the right thing. And she enjoys it at the moment it is happening.

My mom is 90 and has been in care for a year. There are daily activities, trips out etc every day but she won't join in. The staff like her because she is friendly and easy to get on with even though she has no idea who they are, they always keep trying to get her to take part but she never does. She has stopped watching her television and does nothing all day except go for meals. I feel dreadful about it but she doesn't seem to care that every day is basically a blank with nothing happening. I visit 3 times a week and take her out very occasionally - she usually says Not Today when I ask if she wants a change. I'm still not used to it but I think it's just something that can happen with dementia - she never wanted to be part of a group or interact with lots of people anyway even when fit and well.

Sometimes memory loss is a blessing. My mom constantly tells me how nice the AL is. she really does not remember much about her home. She does not even remember her most, most beloved and adored little dog!

And, yes, at home she just watched TV and sat around (at the end). The difference, of course, is that in the AL she is safe in every sense of the word, and she gets her meds. That was the biggest thing for us.

Thank you all so much. So many suggestions helped to lift my spirit.

My mother has not been interested in doing anything, even before she went into the home. Today I got a smile. But she refused to watch anything except Auntie Maine over and over. So today I got a backup of the movie, for I am sure she will wear it out.

Yes, it is hard for all of us. This has been one of the hardest things I have ever faced and endured. It is something I have absolutely no control over. I cannot make anything better, only to try to have control over me. While again, that is hard with the guilt that tugs at me, I relive the moments in my mind often when she was still at home, realizing why I felt forced to move her to a safe place. She was so afraid, always telling me, keep calling me. I was calling 9 to 10 times a day to tell her what to do. Always afraid to the point of having panic attacks that she would get hurt. For today, I am still able to tell her i love her and how cute she still is. She smiles at how cute she is. One day I know she will not smile at me because I am her daughter. Often I have heard, if God led you too it, he will get you through it.

I pray for that strength and I pray for all of you who care so much that you are also here to help me, and to get the strength and support to help yourselves for all you are giving of yourselves.

I think I would discuss your concerns with her doctor. Hopefully, he is familiar with dementia and can help explain how your mom's behavior is not unusual for a dementia patient. They may be social for awhile, but eventually, they lose the ability to talk and do other things.

It doesn't necessarily mean she's not happy. It doesn't mean that she's bored or miserable. It could just be a symptom on her disease. Of course, I would discuss it with her doctor to make sure what is causing it. There are medications that can lift the mood or help with anxiety. I would explore them.

Cymbalta has done wonders for my loved one. She has advanced dementia, but is still rather social, though she can't have a conversation anymore. She does seem upbeat and likes to wheel around the unit saying hello. Most of the residents in the Memory Unit have lost their ability to talk. Most can smile, but they don't have conversations.

You all sounds like you are doing all you can to help your mom's and dad's. There is NEVER a better place than HOME. We promised each other that we would never go to a retirement home UNLESS the only one left standing was incapable of cooking, cleaning, misc chores. In that case, it would be cheaper to hire someone to come in than to pay for Independent Living.

We had a fire and moved into an apt at a IL place. Our home had to be rebuilt (part of it). It confirmed with us that we NEVER wish to live anywhere but at home. We were paying $3,800 a month for a one bed. If we added medical the bill only goes up. IMAGINE what you could buy at home to keep mom in her home. The minute we were able to move back home, we were ON IT. Our checkbook was heavier now due to less output of $. Some IL places rent out a room when there is a fire in someones home. The IL hopes you will fall in love with their place. With us it just confirmed we were not suited to living in such an IN YOUR FACE living. Meals at certain time, everyone knowing your business..bla bla. We were not social animals. He was 87 when we had the fire. I was 72. He died at 88 IN HIS HOME with me by his side. Our kids just have to wait for our money as we were determined to do it our way. We even set up our TRUST to read that we were to be kept at home and money to cover the cost of care IN OUR HOME. Not everyone can do this, I understand that. We would rather move to a smaller house than to live in a facility that is NOT our home. Now the home is mine and my kids cannot get me out no matter what. They must hire someone and it has to be followed to make sure whoever is taking care of me AT HOME is doing their job. We are healthy people. My partner was extremely healthy and just died from old age and Parkinson. We were able to manage the Parkinson and did quite well. All the Care Homes do is EAT your inheritance.

soulfulgirl29: Has she always been a loner? If so, might be hard to change her now.

This is definitely a difficult thing to experience and, like one of the prior posters, my mother has been in an AL for just about a month now. She never was a very friendly or interactive person although she loves to play cards (pinochle, rummy, bridge). But, the first person to engage her about pinochle suggested playing two handed (with a dummy hand until they could find at least a third player) has thus far not been successful in getting her out of her efficiency room (which provides her with own space, bathroom, kitchenette, etc.) to do this. And, when I visit, she rails at me about lying to her about just about everything ("I was never late for things like you keep saying I was!!!" (like a meal, dr. appointment, etc.). Our eldest daughter sums it up like this....."Grandma doesn't care about anyone else's schedule, just hers, and she never had one." Soooo true!! One of the posters sums up my feelings at this point; with her advanced dementia, she is in a safe and nourishing environment (one in which she bathes again, Thank God!), gets proper meds, food and we don't have to worry about her phone being off the hook and her medical alert not working....the AL has its own wireless system....and we all have a lot more peace in our lives. Just one comment in response to Private 1. It sounds like you believe that Soulfulgirl has done her mother an injustice in some way for placing her in AL. But, she made clear that dementia plays a large role here. Having home aides sounds like a great idea, except the scheduling and rescheduling of that falls on someone other than the care receiver. And, in the case of a dementia patient, constant or even occasional changes in the aides is extremely difficult for the care receiver and the well intended caregiver. I just think we need to acknowledge that we are all individuals, dealing with extremely difficult life circumstances, trying to do the best we can while maintaining our own quality of life, and sanity in many ways. Hugs to all who are brave enough and willing to go these extra miles!

My mother is about the same. One day when I was there they were singing old time hymns. I so wanted her to go sing with them but she refused. She won't join in at all. I have given up trying to get her to do things. She is 90+. When I am 90+ I hope people let me do my own thing. I am at peace with what she is doing.

If she has fairly severe memory deficits, she won't remember the DVD and so it's new every time. (There may be leftover memory to make it comfortable for her.). She probably also won't remember an activity from one day to another, either.
I've mentioned that I sing with a small group that does programs at care facilities. Many of the ones we visit have 50-100 or more residents. The average attendance at our programs is 10-25. Music does reach some people that don't respond to many things, but even that only brings out a minority of the residents.

My mom has been in ALF for 2 years now and is not very happy about it. She wants her old life back.. to live in her house of 47 years that we sold 2 years ago, or to live with one of us, which is impossible since we all have full-time jobs. She's in a top-of-the-line facility with tons of activities, but never comes out of her room- not even for the activities that she enjoys (gardening, crafts, cooking). I've enlisted the activities director's help in knocking on her door when they do something up her alley. Sometimes she participates, most of the time she doesn't.
Here are 2 things that did work, albeit not a 100% fix:
1. For a period, I hired a "friendly visitor" from a local church. She was a senior lady on a fixed income and her hourly fees were reasonable. She visited mom twice a week for a couple of hours each. We pretended she was one of my friends' mom (b/c we didn't want mom to know we hired her). She would either take short walks around the facility with mom, talk to her, try to engage her to do crafts activities, etc. After a period, we let her go for other issues.
2. The activities director will enlist my mom's help in "assisting" with her classes. This is just a ruse, but mom is more likely to participate if she thinks she's helping someone. So the director will have mom organize beads or gather crafts materials for her classes, etc. Again, this works 50% of the time.

Other than that, I am very involved in mom's life and when mom stays over my place on the weekends, I will space "play dates" with her senior friends in the area or do one activity with her (as anything more will tire her out).
She does sleep ALOT these days. Mom will be 90 in the fall and has early stage dementia.

I know this is off topic a bit, but my friend just passed away at a very exclusive CF. She was on hospice. I did not know that the staff would drop her tray off but not feed her. She was on morphine and drugs that prevented her from eating and drinking without help. They would come in and drop the tray and leave. YOU MUST watch what the staff is doing. Her family is thinking of suing. The problem is, the facility is not set up to feed patients. There are facilities that take special care to see that people socialize and get help with eating. My friend died. So check what the protocol is in the facility where your mother lives.

If by chance your mom was ripped away from home and placed into a facility, I can clearly understand why your loved one won't socialize, and I don't blame her, neither would I in this case. She's probably depressed because of being ripped away from home, and I don't blame her. Anytime someone is ripped away from home and away from the life they knew and away from the irreplaceable valuables, this can be enough to be very devastating to the point of not wanting to socialize. I don't blame many people who happen to run away from the facility and back home, so would I. Home is where those precious items are, and she has a right to keep the very things that meant the most to her, especially if they're covered by a legal will. When assisted-living rooms or apartments are so much smaller than the home someone was ripped away from, that's what storage units are for. If you put yourself in the shoes of another person, you yourself would never want to be ripped away from your home either, and this is exactly why so many people run away from facilities. This is exactly why there is now a move to keep elders at home for as long as absolutely possible. With the new discoveries and long since forgotten nutrition practiced by our forefathers, this is why our lives are extending. If your loved one is still capable of taking care of herself, then she should really be returned to her home and have in-home care coming in to help her. If your mom was still able to live at home independently, you may seriously consider putting her back where she belongs and hiring in the home healthcare aides to come in and help her. I got a feeling that the rate you're going right now, you're never going to get her back to her old self until you put her back in her home. Some people have already decided that when the end comes that they want to be in their own home at that time. Not putting her back home will probably shorten her lifespan and hasten her death. If she wants to live out her remaining days at home, I don't blame her if this is something that she really wants. If by chance your mom happens to be of sound mind, she has every right to make this decision and carry it out. She has a right to not be ripped away from the life she knows and forced to live in a facility if that's not where she wants to be. She has every right to make her wishes known if she happens to be of sound mind to do so. Even if she's not, she still misses her home, and I don't blame her.

If your mom happens to be living at home:

Did you check to see if maybe she may have experienced a recent death within her social circle? Sometimes if someone close to us dies, it can really have a negative effect on us. If this happens to be the case, she may actually be grieving, and this can take time. Sometimes people even grieve for years.

Possible rejection or harassment:

If there's something going on in the community causing your mom to self-neglect and not be her usual self, you may very well want to look into this and take the initiative to stop whatever it is that maybe going on. I know all too well the negative effects of being hatefully harassed for no reason when you've done nothing to deserve it. You definitely want to find out as much as you can take what you know to help stop whatever is going on.

End-of-life stage:

When someone is nearing the end, it's been said that they start withdrawing from others around them, and they also tend to lose interest in things they once enjoyed. They also tend to sleep more as the body starts shutting down. This is because the person experiences reduced appetite during this process.

These are some things to explore, because your mom has a right to have the best life possible for the remaining years she has left.

There should be a social director at the place where your mother lives. It is their responsibility to see that all residents are welcome at the events they line up. In other words, they should try to walk her to the individual events and get her used to getting out. My brother in law used to take his controller and leave it everywhere except his room. Maybe she does not know to use the changer. But, I would talk to the staff and get some help there. They are getting paid enough to do it.

What does staff say happens when you are not around? Patients acted very different around me than when their family was present. So get the facts first, then find out what the doctor is doing about her symptoms. Being a recluse is not a disease. Maybe your mom does not like the people at the home and this is her way of telling you she doesn't. Listen to her. Ask her. You are not responsible for a person who does not want to interact, so lighten up on yourself. You cannot solve her issues. Just love her for where she is now.

My husband was in an assisted care facility for a year before I recognized it was not the place for him. He was at a memory care center for 3 years, not interacting with residents, but talking to staff and visitors. Then he stopped talking or interacting, so I moved him to a small home where no one demanded anything from him and he died peacefully 6 months later.

I hear you, Soulfulgirl29. The guilt and the frustration can really get to you. One time my Mom was in short-term rehab (3-4 weeks) and while we visited her daily, she would never, and I mean NEVER, leave her room unless it was for physical therapy. Even though I would point out the "activities" schedule on the wall and let her know what was going on daily in the facility, she would basically expect us (my brother and I) to entertain her and push her around the facility in a wheelchair. If anything, she probably wondered why the staff did not come into her room daily to ask her if she wanted to be wheeled down to the activities room. Remember, she was there temporarily for rehab, not a resident. When we would visit, we always found her in bed. Never was she NOT in her room.

When we went to visit in the afternoon (after PT) or in the evening as asked her what she did that day, she would say "Nothing. I hate it here. I want to go home." Home meant she was doing the same thing there that she was doing in the rehab place. She'd sit around all day watching TV, getting no exercise or visitors.

She truly thinks hospital/rehab staff is there to cater to her every whim. "I don't like the food. When can I get out of here?" was constant comments. My Mom lives in her home of 50+ years and my 65-year old brother lives with her (has all his life), so he bears the brunt of catering to her "needs", i.e. taking her out to the grocery store, local restaurants for meals (she doesn't cook anymore and he never has cooked for himself), picking up her medications. She's "ruled the roost" forever and after my father died in 2008, my brother became my father's replacement (for fetching things, driving her to the store/drug stores, going to get something eat) so to speak.

I schedule and take her to her doctor appointments, set up PT/OT when necessary, balance her checkbook, and visit/call several time a week and do some of the errands/tasks she asks of me while I'm there. However, it never ends. My brother is very passive-aggressive so he tends to not do the little tasks she wants done around the house, so she has stopped asking him. Consequently, it's ME that gets these lists of chores to do when I visit. (My do-nothing sister lives less than 1/2 mile away from her and NEVER visits or calls. Talk about my anger and frustration building up???? Everyone tells me to "let it go" -- but that's way easier said than done!) In the meantime, things still need to get done (showering my Mom, making sure she's not eating the food she buys at the grocery store and then puts in the refrigerator until it spoils, cleaning out the refrigerator, wiping up the crumbs on the kitchen counter -- my brother doesn't even do THAT. God forbid my brother should throw away spoiled food on his own without Mommy's approval.) I have to wait until I know they are out of the house and then I "sneak" over there and throw out spoiled food and just crap, in general. My mother screams like a 5-year old if I dare throw out anything that is "still good" in her eyes. So therefore, I have to do the dirty deed clandestinely.

My mother has always been a control freak (hence why my brother lives with her) and it's just never going to change. I have to accept that and live in her world. That said, you have to live in your Mom's world. I know it's frustrating!!!! You have to come to the reality that she's doing what she wants to do. No amount of cajoling, begging or pleading is going to change her at her age. I want my Mom to be realistic and realize she can't keep everything, but no amount of explaining, reasoning, talking, begging, etc. will change her mind. This is what happens when dementia/cognition problems set in -- it only gets worse -- never better.

Sorry to not have words of encouragement, but my only advice is to go visit your Mom, try to be upbeat, attempt to have a pleasant conversation, then leave and go home and have a glass of wine. Know she is getting 3 meals a day, is clean and relatively safe. Don't beat yourself up. {{{{HUGS}}}}

Considering that the RDA regarding vitamins and nutrients put out by the FDA is the minimum recommended to avoid critical deficiency (per them even), it's likely that she's deficient in many things.

Like a dam with many slot canyons in it, remedying the situation for one nutrient without resolving it for other doesn't increase the water level behind the dam because it will simply continue to flow out from the other slots.

I would look into a chelated broad multi spectrum multi nutritional supplement like Q96 as I've personally and in others I love and heard and seen amazing results cognitively, mentally, and emotionally within even a week or two on it.

The ALF my MIL moved into set her up with a "buddy" who could familiarize her with the activities and outings. We also accompanied her to bingo and wii bowling to get her started in the socialization. When we visited, we always sat in a lounge instead of her room and waved folks over to us to sit and talk. You just 'open the door' to others and she will get comfortable.

For what it is worth, we had my mom's meds adjusted and she is now always easy going and cheerful. BUT, activities with other people? As in a group? Fahgedaboudit. She loves bridge and would play bridge all the time; she plays about five times a week. But anything else? No way. A big birthday party? Bingo? A guitar concert? Those activities are beneath her.

I am disappointed but not surprised. She has never in her life been a joiner. She criticizes people before she gives them a chance. In her last place she told me: "No one ever knocks on my door to invite anywhere." (BTW, the staff informs her all day long of activities.) So I responded with: "Do you ever knock on anyone's door?" No, end of conversation.

She is 90, acts like a spoiled child and expects to be treated like one. It never has and never would occur to her that someone else might need a little company or cheering up. Having said that, the meds worked wonders and I thank God for them every day.

My mom has been in AL 6 months. She was not very social before getting dementia and she certainly shows no interest now. I believe it's OK as long as they do not seem depressed or sad. I do not feel any blame about her behavior. I look at her calender and say do you want to do this or this if she says no I sit there and let her watch her old TV shows.

"Nobody does nothin' 'round here, nobody talks, everyone sleeeeeeps!" is a phrase my care-receiver in an ALF speaks all too often. Dementia definitely causes one's timeline to be thrown off. It is true that when the care-receiver is not doing something for the moment...they are doing nothing. Some things that have helped me help my care-receiver interact and socialize with others are as follows...hopefully one might work for you.
1) When I visit her at the ALF, I keep it active because I know most of her time is spent sitting and doing...well nothing. We walk around the facility (we meet and talk to the other residents...yes I have to do the introductions. "Hello my name is X, I am Y's grandson, what's your name?"), getting her to play the piano (she can play songs from memory...and its great when the other residents slowly gather around), I read the newspaper and magazines to her (and I try to find a table with others (yep, they might be sleeping or otherwise resting...so I usually find ones that make eye contact with me...they are usually interested.) Now it has become a routine, so other residents see me with the paper and walk or roll on over for my reading of the paper).
2) I talk with the social/activities coordinator to let her know that when I am visiting, I can help out with getting a card game going, taking residents who are wheelchair bound for a roll around the facility. This fosters the introduction between my care-receiver and others...as well as lets the coordinator know I give my blessing for her to involve my care-receiver in as many activities as possible. (When there is an activity such as cards or crafts, get her over there. Use prodding, and just tell her its part of her job if there is any resistance. Take her to every religious church service, no matter the denomination.)
3) My care receiver really just wants to be home (her childhood home...not the one where she lived with her husband for 50 years), and is all too happy to mention it many times during my visits with her and always asks why she can't be home. I found that if you can do some research to find out how your care-receiver did chores, what they did for work, daily activities when they were at home, who they socialized with and what they did...and try your best to replicate those types of things at the ALF, all the better. My care-receiver was a busy body, so the staff knows to seek her out to fold the laundry/towels, help others by playing cards with them, play 5 songs on the piano twice a day, talk with one new person everyday (due to dementia, there is always someone there who she claims is "new"...even if they have been there for years.) If I relate any activity to a meaningful task for her...she usually is ready to go!
4) Our care-receivers are talking to us with their actions or lack there of...we just have to listen...and that is so tough for me at times. I am getting better at it. I echo what another mentioned about our care-receiver's now not as comfortable socializing due to knowing something isn't quite the same with them...they just don't know why. Once they see us interacting, creating the introduction, fumbling through the interaction, their confidence and comfort level might rise. My care-receiver is always wondering how I know "all these people." The good days are when she wants to introduce me to one or more of her "new friend's". All the best!

My dad is only one of three men at his AL. Being the first male to move in when the place opened last year gave him lots of attention from the staff which still continues.
He doesn't socialize much either but he does sit in the living room a lot vs sitting in his room looking out the window.

My mother has been in a facility for approx 4 years now and has always refused to socialize with the staff or most of the other patients. However, after about 2 years she did "choose" one woman to be her good friend. They just sit by a window and talk for hours now. However with everyone else she is very argumentative and can even be nasty. She, too, was also this way before I had to place her here as she was not eating, washing or taking care of herself. I just tell myself she is getting the best care possible, she is getting 3 meals a day, her meds every day and she is safe from the elements. My son and I visit her several times a week and usually wind up in an argument with her about some silly thing but she knows we are there! So I look at it this way: She did not lose her freedom from living on her own - she gained safety and security while she and my son and I deal with this disease in the best way we can!

My mother has been in Assisted Living for almost a month. She tells me that she sees nobody going to bingo etc. She loves the staff and the food. She has her meals with the same ladies at meal times.She is able to take her showers when she wants to. When she was living with us I had to help her because we have a shower stall and not easy for her to take her shower.

I understand how hard this is for you....but you need to take the pressure off yourself! I have worked in an Aged Care Facility for 16 years as a Carer and The Diversional Therapist. It's not unusual for oldies with Dementia to withdraw from socializing... it's SO hard for them to function and many are embarassed by their inability to interact. It is so difficult to feel normal and be a part of a society when you have no memory of your life. By all means mention your concerns to the Staff, so they are aware of how you are feeling but try to relax with the process of dementia if you can. It is such a thief!!!!! Peace and a feeling of safety are SO important for your Mum (and all dementia sufferers).... let her find her own peace and allow her the grace to cope in her own way. She is trying to cope with feelings of loss and grief and letting go of life on her own terms, bless her. She is doing her best. Keep Smiling and just love her...that's all she needs from her beautiful daughter! Big hug for you!

Depression could be the issue, so I agree that a consultation with the doctor would be a good idea.

Aside from that, try to remember that you, and likely the facility, are doing all that you can. Your mother may choose to be a loner and there may be nothing that you can do about it.

My mother got much the same way except that she was good with the staff. Before the nursing home, she was worse in general. But she never would take part in all of the socializing the nursing home provided. She liked her room, her TV and the treats I brought on my daily visits, but she became more and more averse to interacting with other people.

Work with the doctor, but understand that antidepressants are tricky and can have side effects. They work well for some people but can make others worse.

What I'm saying is don't expect miracles. Sometimes they happen, but more often we have to accept the fact that people with dementia and pain issues have a right to how they want to live their lives. Keeping her pain free (if possible), safe and relatively content - even if she just watches one DVD - is better than a lot of anxiety (in my opinion).

I hope that the doctor can help.
Take care,
Carol

How long has your Mom been at the facility? She may be experiencing a bit of depression due to the move, and perhaps she should be evaluated by the psychiatrist.