Sister lives 10 quick minutes away and doesn’t come to pickup mom or give me scheduled time off. She calls mom for 10 seconds a day. No real conversations. I’m sick of my sister but my mom has asked her to come see her and she still doesn’t come. Any suggestions?
I suggest you get someone to come in for help. If you mom has money use it for her care or if she has medicate your mom should get 30 hrs a week care.
I'm quite sure this is very upsetting to you, but you will never 'make' or 'guilt' your sister into spending more time with your mom.
Are there other siblings, or are you the only one?
This is so difficult. You need time for you, time for your life.
Is your mother able to maintain basic tasks for herself? Is she ill? What are her issues?
It's tough, but you need to try to set boundaries, now. The longer a behavior is allowed, the worse it gets.
I would need to know more about your mom's health, etc., to really be able to give you some solid advice.
For now, however, realize you won't get help from your sister, period. Just take her out of the equation.
Blessings
Get yourself some help. Using mom's money, hire a caregiver. I started with a cleaning lady, then added a few hours a day a few days a week then slowly increased the hours until it was more of a full-time thing.
If your sister had a good relationship with your Mom prior to all of this happening, then there might be a reason why she doesn't want to see Mom. It could be that she doesn't know how to talk to her, she doesn't have the patience with her or any number of reasonable reasons.
However, if your sister had a not so good relationship with your Mom, then there isn't a way to get your sister to contribute.
If you have a good relationship with your sister, you can talk to her about it. However, I doubt she will change.
You do have options, however.
1. If your Mom has the funds, hire a caregiver to help you out.
2. If your Mom doesn't have the funds, look into your state programs to see how they might help with the medical portion of your Mom's care.
3. Look into daytime programs for your Mom so that you get some relief.
4. Look into getting your mother into a Memory Care unit now.
Tough times ahead....
So change your thought process on that.
Does mom have any funds at all?
If so use HER funds to pay for a caregiver that can come in and help you.
Maybe begin "charging" her for her portion of household expenses might help you as well. These expenses can be documented as part of her care. And you can pay yourself as a caregiver, again this is an expense for her care.
She doesn't want to and that is fine. Guilting or coercing her into it will make things even worse. Dropping your mother off at her house will do no good at all for any of you.
You and your sister need to have a serious talk. Tell her plainly that covering all of your mother's care needs is too much for you without help. The choice is either start helping out with the care, start contributing financially to pay for care (if you want to preserve any potential assets), or help find a care facility to place your mother in.
You made a mistake when taking your mother in to assume that your sister or anyone else would step up and help out with it.
It doesn't work like that.
You can't change your sister. What you want from her comes from her heart and you can't put it there.
My brother (deceased) was the same way. He lived about 1.5 miles away from me. He was only working about 10 hours a week and yet could only manage a phone call.
Age old problem.
I hope you have Power of Attorney for your mom and not your sister.
Situations like Pangie's are not as black and white as you say.
It's not about being selfish and uncaring. People often work very hard for the lives they have. Them not being willing to have those lives blown up by taking on the care of needy family members does not make them selfish or uncaring.
The sister may be willing to help in other ways like financially. Or by taking on the process of finding homecare. Or by researching care facilities and getting the mother placed.
There are other ways to help. The most sought after help any caregiver wants is time and often this is the one help that others don't want to give.
When it became clear that I couldn’t handle what was happening with my brain by myself, my son & daughter-in-law encouraged me to move 1000miles to their state where they could help me. It’s been 18 months & increasingly they’ve pulled back from helping me, even to the point of claiming my numerous doctors & neurologists have gotten every scan, assessment, testing session etc wrong, including the 2nd opinions who concurred with the original diagnosis.
All of that is to say, I have finally accepted that I can’t MAKE them want to help me through this time. I do get that it is overwhelming & different people handle it in different ways- some by completely avoiding it, some by doing all they can & some by being somewhere in between.
As a result, I am finding every resource available (including someone to help me find & apply for resources) so that I don’t burden them & so their last years with me hopefully aren’t full of resentment.
My son keeps asking why “this” (my diagnosis) happened to him & stating how unfair it is. While I REALLY want him to be in a different mindset, I can’t do anything about that. AND, I don’t think I can fully understand why it’s sooo difficult for him. Maybe because I was ALWAYS such a rock of strength & a caregiver for others- it may be hard for him to accept & see me like this…. I don’t know that I’ll ever have the answer of why it’s hard for them.
So, maybe there are resources to give you & your family a break. There are even people who will volunteer their time to come & be with someone who has Alzheimer’s for a while & maybe they can do that while you do what you need to for a little while.
I wish you the best
I wish you all the best and thank you for your post.
I have a sister who decided to back off. She decided to stop helping when my mother threw her walker at her. She was done. It does not help my situation but I can understand. To her credit she still does come to visit.
Make sure you have paid caregivers so that you have a life and leave your sister alone.
But what you can do is help yourself by hiring caregivers and using your mother’s assets to pay for it. I know some people whose siblings finally stepped up when they realized their inheritance would be used up if they didn’t pitch in.
There's no way to do that, OP.
I wouldn't make up white lies about your sister not coming to visit, either. If your mother keeps asking for your sister to come visit, I'd tell her to ask your sister herself during one of the daily phone calls.
Have you done that?
You can’t make a person who is indifferent “nice”.
If you are content and comfortable doing what you are doing now, continue.
If you are not, hire help, using whatever financial resources your mother has, OR
examine available residential placements in your area and after placing Mama, visit frequently.
My recently deceased LO chose 2 very local relatives as her POAs.
One visited several times/week, provided for whatever her residence said was needed for her care and comfort, managed physicians, therapies, banking, SS.
One left town 2 months after her placement, wrote a monthly check for her room and board, and “visited” 2or 3 times a year, while periodically sending texts complaining about her care, without actually knowing anything about her care or condition.
This happens all the time. You will need to find ways to deal with it, or change it.
If your Sister was just like you, willing to home Mother & be her caretaker... there'd be a fight over Mother.
Mom shuffling with her case between your homes. Each wanting every single detail from the medical appointment the other attended.
The competition! The differences on care decisions!
I think Mom has an UTI, is looking jaundiced, has puffy feet, had a TIA - well I don't! We should get a new cardiologist & proceed with that heart surgery - we should let nature take it's course & avoid invasive surgery at all cost.
Everyone feeling sick now 😬😪
Maybe if it is any constellation, being the *lead* & your Sister kinda following/absent is OK...??
This scenario of yours is about as rare as getting struck by lightening and winning the lottery on the same day.
It just doesn't happen in families. Sure, you might get the concerned siblings who demand daily reports or even hourly updates on a parent but they always quiet down if the risk of them being pressed into service becomes real.
Most siblings back off if one has already jumped in the volcano and sacrficed themselves to being the caregiver.
I find that this suits the other sibs just fine so long as any potential inheritance from mom and dad is preserved by their sacrifice.
If she sold a house to move in with you or you moved to her house - that might be a problem with sis. Some siblings think you reaped the benefit so you deserve what you got. Not sure what your situation was, but if mom has money put up --- use it for help.