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My brother lived with my parents following his divorce about 15 years ago. He had a job as a caregiver at a group home, but he lost it due to problems with alcohol. He gave up drinking totally but soon became the primary caregiver for my dad, who began a 5 year spiral of three cancers, pneumonia, and dementia. My brother only worked part time, off the books, for a friend- but frequently missed even those days due to my parent’s doctor appointments and hospitalizations, my dad’s radiation treatments etc.


My dad was a “tipper”, he would slip my brother a few hundred here and there, and was always grateful, but my brother was never “paid” on any formal basis. He did have full use of my parents car, which he used to get to work, take them to appointments, do the grocery shopping etc..


My younger sister moved in 2-1/2 years ago. She works full time, and spends several hours a day at the gym- but she never helped out or paid a nickel in rent. Until my Dad died. She spent the week he was in hospice at home spreading rumors that my brother and I was “medicating him into unconsciousness and depriving him of fluids and food” but did not actually help or speak to hospice at all. The day he died, I returned home to my family- and immediately lost contact with my Mom. The phone was off the hook, and when I called her cell phone, it went to voice mail. I texted her- my sister replied “we are making important phone calls” 4 months later, my sister has my mom wrapped around her finger. She controls my mom’s finances, had gotten my mom to put our eldest brothers name on the bank accounts to replace the (different brother) who my dad had put in charge of finances. This eldest brother is autistic and she seems to be manipulating him. They have dinner with my mom every Sunday, they are always around when the (different brother) comes over to review my mom’s bank accounts…but the worst of it is, she has turned my mom against my caregiving brother. My mother has not paid him since my dad passed, my sister has made Dr appointments for her on the one weekday that my brother works. Convinced her to see specialist after specialist just to keep him running her around (in one month she has seen an ENT, been to urgent care twice, and since they didn’t do X-rays, insisted on being seen again in the ER for the same issue (shoulder pain)…visited her new GP, complained of migraines- and now is scheduled for MRI and MRA. Just for funsies, she is 85 and has had migraines all her life.


The last straw was when my brother was sitting in the ER with a very non-urgent mom, and saw the group chat between toxic sister and eldest brother and mom calling caretaker brother “the problem” for his “sh@$$y attitude” and “entitlement”. She suggested my mother take away the car keys, “as a start.”


I feel he has been taken advantage of financially and physically by my parents- he has a hernia from lifting my dad and is being discarded. He is so stressed out, he’s lost a ton of weight. He could live in with me but he doesn’t want to do that and give up the tiny bit he has in life- two rooms and his thrifted furniture. He still takes my mom everywhere, makes sure she eats, does all the lawn care (5 acres!) shovels the snow, takes up the garbage. She literally could not live there without him, because my sister doesn’t physically do anything. Advice please?

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What kind of outcome to do want to see happen?

Am I correct that this post is about your cognitively fully-functioning brother and NOT your elderly Mom (who you say is taking advantage of him)?

Please know that no one can take advantage of your brother without his permission. You have no power in this situation, as difficult as it is to stand by and witness.

Who is PoA for your Mom? Is your Mom cognitively impaired? If not, again you have no power in this situation.
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NanTukit Mar 6, 2024
I’ve come to realize that there is no great outcome, because my Mom is not actually a person who does the right thing, when there is someone telling her she can do the thing she would rather do.

My father had said, vocally, many times, to various gatherings of siblings- that my Mom would have enough money to stay in their (large) house on (large) property for two years after his death, and that she would then need to sell the house and pay my brother $50k out of the proceeds, and let him have the car. They were all living very smoothly together- until the sister moved in 2-1-2 years ago. She hated my dads smoking and though that she “deserved” my brother two rooms in the (walk out) basement. She never paid a cent and begrudged every resource that went anywhere else- to the point of fighting with the autistic brother over leftovers from dinners I paid for and prepared. She was so envious, and my dad was such a generous soul, he couldn’t stand it. He complained that she wouldn’t even say good morning to him. He always said to anyone listening “make sure youse do the right thing. Take care of your brother”. So I guess the only real grief I have over my Dads death (he needed to rest) is really that he never made sure of that himself. And by leaving it to my Mom and us, my brother- who enabled my Dad to live peacefully at home to the end of his days, which was such a blessing to ALL of us- my Dad trusted the wrong people.
and my Mom turned out not to be appreciative at all. “You did that for your father, not me”.
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Sit down with a elder attorney and Have your Mom privately Make a will . Your brother could say " Mom I need to get Paid for snow shoveling , Gas and car . " It sounds Like your brother maybe best to leave the situation and let your sister take your Mom to appointments and do the snow shoveling .
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The inly one who can help ur brother is himself. If Mom can afford a caregiver, than she needs to pay one so brother can get back to work. He gets a job, finds 2 rooms he can rent and leave Mom to the sister.
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This family situation is extremely convoluted and complicated.
I would work it out with an attorney. Consider seeing an elder law attorney for options.
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If you think your mother is being financially abused, being taken advantage of you can report the situation to your States Elder Abuse number.
Your brother is the only one that can change his situation and he does not seem to want to do that so there is nothing you can do.
If your mom is NOT competent she can not change a Will, appoint someone else as POA
(Is ANYONE her POA?)
If mom IS competent she can make any change she wants to.
(again if you suspect that she is being coerced into making changes you can file a report)
Again this is your brother's "fight" not yours.
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NanTukit Mar 6, 2024
Thank you for your reply. I realize that this is all childhood dynamics coming back into play. You are right, he needs to help himself, but I am his Irish twin older sister, and he has always been a very empathetic vulnerable person (he is gay and a medium who works as a tarot card reader, if that paints a better picture?) I am fiercely protective. And I loved my mom and Dad, although our childhood was not good and they weren’t great parents for child,’I thought they were good parents to have as an adult. I recently sent my mom a text expressing gratitude for the 30+ years I’ve had with them, how I enjoyed their company, how glad I am that my children have good memories of their grandparents and a close, large family. But to keep those memories intact, I wished her well with the children she has chosen, and said I am no longer comfortable visiting.

My brother right now is planning to have some surgery he has been delaying for six years, while he still has Medicaid. Then come stay with me and get a job. I have an extra car, and there are more employment opportunities here. But for now he needs to stay in NYS for Medicaid.
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Maybe you can befriend your somewhat emotionally challenged brother (autism?). If you could help him understand that his future depends upon finally employment that contributes to Soc.Sec., perhaps he could begin to see how his future depends upon this. Were he to absent himself working outside the home, your mother would need to hire assistance to stay in her home. I have a notion that your mother and that sister who moved in: might even kick your helper brother "out" at some time anyway. Working directly with this sad brother might help him see the light. I think your mother and sister are using this brother, but unless he can "see through" this and begin to look to his own future, there's not much you can do to transform your mother and sister into better people who are interested in his welfare
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Time to see an elder lawyer to make sure that brother who is doing all the work has financial & medical DPOA. He should also have a contract drawn up so he is being paid for his work & time.

Some siblings just come out of the woodwork to manipulate & control situations but don’t actually want to do any work themselves
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JoAnn29 Jan 11, 2024
POA is assigned. The mother has to assign him. If she won't then he can't get it. Guardianship is another thing but Mom would need to be declared incompetent. Very expensive.
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Are you helping out?
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NanTukit Mar 6, 2024
I live 3 hours away and have a teenager at home. Historically, I visited once a month and cleaned the house and made the Sunday dinner and visited. I came for my dad’s final week on hospice, at home, to help my brother with round the clock care as I am a med tech and have done that sort of comfort care for cancer patients. I do not live in the same state, and that is the only thing preventing brother from moving in with me right now- he needs to keep his Medicaid coverage because he has just had hernia surgery and now has two more surgeries planned but not scheduled. It’s so awful, he has agreed to just leave- but he can’t right now. If they take away the car, which looks imminent, he may move in with my good brother until he can get his surgeries done, then come to me. That is the way I can help.
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As many have said, if your brother, even if he is on the spectrum, is considered of sound mind, only he can help himself when he realizes he is being used. He needs to remove himself from the toxic environment in which he is currently living. Is he receiving or eligible for any type of disability financial assistance? He had a job once so he should be able to get another one. Not sure where he lives but in NJ, if he needs to get more current with technology (computers, cell phones) there are often free classes at local libraries to help with this. If he is even remotely mentally challenged, help him apply for SSDI ( it's a two year wait and then you have to reapply when you are disapproved) and at the same time get him on every HUD list possible - (this too is a long wait list but it doesn't get any shorter if you wait). Make sure all of his VIDs (very important documents) - PoA, Advance Directive and Will are in order (check to see if yours need to be updated also) If you two are ABSOLUTELY (yes -- shouting because you can be surprised how quickly you can find a loved one's quirky habits infuriating when you are in close quarters) , he can perhaps store some of his thrift furniture and bring one or two pieces with him to your home if you have the room. He may go from 2 to 1 room but he may have more peace of mind. Yes, he will have to figure out transportation to job, libraries, schools etc (not always easy in NJ but perhaps he lives in a place with a transportation system) but tranquility is a wonderful thing. And when he finds a place.... well he can get new thrift furniture to enjoy. He needs to consider a new living space now because there is no guarantee that Mom and Sis won't just give him a week to leave! It's Mom's house and he has no written contract (lease) so it could happen.

I agree that you need to sit with an eldercare attorney to get the basics on what you and your brother's rights and restraints are. If cost is an issue, you might be able to call your county government and see if they have an "in" with the bar association which might make you eligible for a 15-20 initial consultation session.

Just curious... what is your relationship like with your Mother and sister at the present time? Who is Mom's PoA (which she can change at any time if she has not been declared incompetent by a physician (might be two physicians in NJ... I can't remember now)?

I realize that seeing him treated this way after he spent so much time and effort caring your parents is hard but there are somethings and people in life that you just can't control. Your sister and mother appear to be two of them.

Wishing the best for you and your brother in this painful section of life's journey. Please keep us updated.
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NanTukit Mar 6, 2024
Thank you for your kind answer. Things have gotten so much worse. He understands now that he needs to leave. The brother that was formerly m Dads financial advisor still has my mom POA, but she called him and the older autistic brother to a meeting with an attorney (free, arranged by…manipulative sister, who works in the same building at a different agency). My mother now wants to make the eldest “equal POA and equal co-executor” which even he doesn’t want because he “doesn’t trust banks” but also doesn’t believe anyone else (financially savvy brother) knows anything he doesn’t. He wants a lawyer to make any estate decisions, which kind of defeats the purpose…
In this meeting he tried to pose a hypothetical question, but as that proved too difficult with his autism, he just asked flatly- what would happen in (manipulative) sister bought the house for less than market value? Could another sibling challenge that? And then named me as the person they are worried about lol. Because I am into them, and they think I have money to burn.
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Your parent(s) need a legal guardian that is capable to manage their care needs. Your brother should not be handling any care for anyone older, parent or caregiver position for another.

* Make other arrangements for a care provider for your parent(s).
* Make sure all the legal documents are in order.

* Your brother needs to check himself into a facility if he deems he needs help. If not, I would recommend that he not be living with your parent(s). It is not a safe environment for them.

Gena / Touch Matters
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NanTukit Mar 7, 2024
My caregiver brother is not the autistic one.
He stopped drinking completely six years ago.
The only thing wrong with him is long-neglected medical issues- because he was so busy caring for my Dad- and the fact that he has lost 20 lbs since my Dad passed due to stress. He’s a kind and loving person, and he has been so shocked and betrayed by the way my mother has discarded him. My mom was very scornful of my Dad as he spiraled down, calling him “old man” at every opportunity, but getting furious when I referred to her as an “elderly widow”. She is 85! And she was angry. “I’m not old. I’m not helpless. Your father needed help, not me, your brother is free to go”- after 5 solid years of unpaid caregiving, “free to go” in poor health, with no income, and no car. Go where? She doesn’t care. Because my sister has convinced her that the two of them will be fine. Once she sells her the house for less than market value.

my brother is NOT the problem.
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The caregiver brother may be reluctant to do so, but in this instance, I think he needs to move out of mother's home, and STOP taking care of her.
That's the only way to force a change of some sort.
Either the sister will have to step up and start doing something, or she and mom can hire a caregiver.
Only then will they see how valuable the caring brother has been. And if they don't, then he is never going to get the respect from them that he deserves.
I've read a few of the other answers here. If I'm reading your post correctly, it seems the autistic brother is Not the one who lives with mom. But another sibling, who is likely easier for the sister to manipulate.
If you really fear your mother is being taken advantage of, and needs someone to intervene on her behalf, you might ask Adult Protective Services to check on her.
If your mother is of sound mind, and she is allowing your sister control, there is nothing you can do. It is her life and her choice.
And it sounds like a toxic environment for the brother who wants to continue to live there and help mom. He may not wish to move, but it might be in his best interest to protect his emotional health and get out of that environment!
You can help him to get on his feet and live independently. Seems you've already offered him a place to stay. He needs to get a full time job and his own place to live away from controlling, toxic women.

Oh - and if Mom and sister do beg him to come back in a caregiver capacity, he needs to be paid, either privately or through an agency!
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NanTukit Mar 6, 2024
Thank you, I have come to the same conclusion, and so has he. The only wrinkles he has Medicaid and needs two surgeries, and lives in a different state than I do. So we are trying to get that done quickly, so he can come with me. There are more job opportunities near me anyway.
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NanTukit: Retain an elder law attorney.
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I already responded further down. But everytime I pass this post I think "your blaming the wrong people". This problem is your brother's. He was able to be married and hold down a job until his alcoholism contributed to losing that job. He needs to seek help. I live in a small town and we have help for autistic people. They help them find housing and resourses. You brother should be able to get Social Security Disability if he doesn't have it now. Social Services can help him with a Supplimental income (SSI) and Medicaid for health. He has a disability. Contact the Dept of Disabilities in his County. The help is there he just needs to find it.
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NanTukit Mar 6, 2024
Sorry, it is confusing because I have six brothers. Brother #3 was my father’s trusted financial advisor. He is executor and still has POA, it since she is “competent”, he has not opposed any of my mothers request, although he does not agree with them. He does not want to be accused of anything himself, so when she asked for the money in an account he held jointly with my father, he put her name on the account. She then transferred all the funds to an account he is not a signatory in, and put brother #1 as co-owner of that account. Brother #1 is the autistic one, he is retired from the dept of corrections. He had a routine, which includes dinner on Sunday at my parents house. My sister is able to control him solely by promising that these dinners can continue uninterrupted.

i am #4, and I am female, and live several hours away, and have a daughter who is still in high school, so I was able to come and care for my Dad during his final week on hospice, and generally visited once a month, but I can’t influence things up there, and have recently gone no contact with my Mom.

#5 is the caretaker, and his marriage ended because his partner went to jail, for abuse. He is very empathetic and seems to be vulnerable to narcissistic personalities like my Mom and sister. He stoped drinking six years ago, completely. He is not disabled, but has no recent job history and is almost 60 with no savings and no car if his own, so threatening to take the little he has is just …evil. He recently had his hernia repaired, but now needs further surgery and besides all the other obstacles to getting a job, including his age, is his need to keep Medicaid until he gets his own long-ignored health needs taken care of. But Mom, sis and #1 son are trying to harasse him out of the house. I live in a different state, so he can only
come here after he gets his issues fixed (genetic disorder that causes bladder and bowel issues- mom, two other siblings and I have all had the same issues- it’s not his fault. )
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It looks like a lot of these answers are not understanding what a Conservator and Guarding can do. Spend the money on an attorney and get Guardian and Conservator of your mother (son that has been doing all the work). The cost of Attorney, if you are awarded Conservator and Guardian will not be paid out of the good caretakers money.. I just got Conservator and Guardian and it's a new traumatic life change for my mother, but she is 83 with a SLUMS score of 13 down from 16 in three months. The initial money to hire attorney ($1500.00) is paid by the Petitioner to get Guardian and Conservator, but upon being awarded, mom actually pays for it. Get educated people, that are telling the one that actually is trying to protect his mother. If you don't know, don't talk this man down. Just fyi to all the ignorant comments. I hope he does this because there is a court visitor who interviews multi agencies and people that verify his good job as a caregiver. The other siblings can take a hike. Both my brother and sister got an illegal POA, because my mom is incapacitated with dementia and they never disclosed that. POA was revoked for my sister and brother and I am now Guardian and Conservator, no questions asked. Not one person was cross examined at my Petition for Conservator and Guardian at hearing, it was cut and dry. Good luck young man and keep your chin up and keep helping your momma.
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