At Thanksgiving, my mother told my children that her assisted living is a hotbed of sexual activity with people trading partners. When they told me, I explained that only 5 men live there: one with his wife, two in a wheelchair due to strokes, and two that are nearly 100. Apparently she gave them juicy details. She told them that a young woman, 44, who'd had a severe stroke started screaming when her husband came in and told her at the table that he was divorcing her. Didn't happen. I was there. She also tells people that I'm stealing from her and has convinced herself that she can't trust me to see her financial accounts. She fell in assisted living and told a total stranger that she was hospitalized for 4 or 5 days. I reminded her that it was a month. You'd think she'd like being told that since she "brags" about the pain and suffering she's experiencing, but she rolled her eyes and shrugged her shoulders and said I didn't know what I was talking about. I was in her room for two solid weeks in CCU until she was transferred to a rehab hospital where I couldn't stay. People who only know her public persona believe that she's sharp as a tack. She puts on a good act. Even her doctors think she's not beyond mild cognitive impairment, but that anesthesia, hypoxia and blood loss (four transfusions) have caused her dementia to advance. That silly test about remembering four words is useless. The changes I see are in her personality and reasoning ability. How do I handle this?
You're doing great!
Now that I'm on the precipice myself, I think that adopting a lighter attitude and an appreciation, may be the higher road. I hope I don't get mean, and I don't think I will, but one thing I've come to understand is that it's not 'us and them', it's ALL of us, whether we're 'there' yet or not. We all likely will be, in some form.
Needless to say, I was horrified when I found out a few days later, those in the club who knew my mother's condition were horrified, and those who didn't know were horrified at her disrespect to my dad's memory. It was, well, horrifying.
A heartfelt apology to the family was immediately issued, the newsletter taken off their website, and the elderly and somewhat clueless editor given a new volunteer task to do. My mother was oblivious to the entire episode and continued being happily married (in her mind) to her first high school boyfriend who had been dead for 10 years already when she cooked up this whole story.
Sometimes you just have to go with the flow and correct the record when you can.
Other than that there's really not much to be done. When her delusions are harmless, it's okay to go along with them if it makes her happy.
Only correct her and have others correct her if her delusions and confabulations have the potential to be harmful. If she is lying about her you and her caregivers tell her plainly and firmly that you will not listen to lies, then ignore the topic completely. Give it no attention whatsoever.
As for the "bragging" about her pain and suffering. Old people often enjoy complaining and will complain for sport. Just brush it off. Don't be surprised if she showtimes well enough to get one over on the doctor. That happens all the time. The being able to remember four words is total nonsense and proves nothing. I know and knew many people with dementia who could showtime for a little while and remember four words for the doctor. That's when you need a video of them sundowing at about 4pm, totally flipping their lids with anger, crying, and agitiation for several hours until they fall asleep from exhaustion or are dosed with drugs. I've suggested to clients that they set up video to show the doctor when their LO passes the dementia test. They change their tune after seeing it.
* Google Teepa Snow who is one of the country's leading experts on dementia.
* Google here as I did - words / phrases like dementia and stories, Hallucinations"
* When you understand the reasons why a person 'makes up stories, you can SIMPLY say:
Say: "Her brain is changing and she makes up stories.
You can say she is suffering from dementia or just say 'brain changes."
Say: "Best to just listen and change the subject. Do not argue with her."
Say: "Oh.. ... okay" I know you are very safe and well cared for where you live." (add positive reinforcement).
See the following:
(1) At what stage of dementia does confabulation occur?
At what stage does confabulation occur? Confabulation is a sign of the early stages of dementia. Confabulation is significantly more common in dementia than in other illnesses that can affect a person's cognitive functions, such as Alzheimer's disease and brain tumors or injuries. Nov 20, 2023
(2) What stage is making up stories for dementia?
We know now that dementia patients will often make up stories to cope but is making up stories a sign of dementia? Yes, it is. And while it can occur at any stage, it is most common among older adults with mid-to-late-stage dementia and can get worse as dementia progresses. Apr 26, 2022
(3) Confabulation is the spontaneous production of false memories.
Confabulation typically occurs due to brain damage or health conditions that affect the brain, such as dementia.
There is a lot of information on the website about this.
The shorter the answer to others 'listening' to your mom, the better.
"Her brain is changing. This is normal in some people."
See this website (and partial below):
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/confabulation-dementia
People who experience confabulation may create memories of events that have never happened. Confabulation can be a symptomatic manifestation of dementia.
The false memories that people may create can vary from mundane activities, such as remembering having a steak for lunch when in reality it was soup, to more elaborate or eccentric memories, such as that of being a pirate or a king.
Gena / Touch Matters
So sorry that you are the target, and in the line of fire from your Mom.
You can follow this question, it is very similar to yours.
faithfulbeauty
Asked November 27, 2023
"Anyone experienced an elderly parent talking about them to other people?"
But, also be aware that these stories as far fetched as they may seem ARE something you should check into. I found that that there WAS a great deal of terrible things happening in these facilities. So do not dismiss everything she says. If you become suspicious that there is any foul play ...time to move her out of there.
Have you personally toured every facility in America? How can you possibly continue to believe this same old story that comes out of your mouth?
Many posters find your responses regarding facility care inaccurate and misleading to people who want to find solutions.
You may be relying on a staff in a facility to care for you one day.
Please note that everyone doesn’t have to share your opinion.
Haven’t you seen all of the positive posts about the care received from facilities for their family members?
Of course, some unfortunate things happen in facilities. The same thing can be said for home care.
How are burned out or inexperienced caregivers better than a person who is trained in giving care in a facility?
Not everyone wishes to give up their entire life to care for their family members, no matter if they are ‘mother of the year’ or a pain in the butt.
I was a caregiver for my mom in my home for over a decade. It’s incredibly hard when caregiving becomes more difficult as the years go by.
If I had it to do over again I would choose to return to being a daughter instead of my mother’s caregiver. I would be mom’s advocate. An advocate isn’t ‘less than’ a person who is doing the hands on care at home.
It was our parent’s job to raise us. No one asks to be born.
I certainly don’t feel as if my daughters owe me anything for fulfilling my responsibilities as a parent.
I hope that you will understand what I am saying to you instead of getting defensive. It’s never too late to learn to view things differently.
I would not engage my children with grandma again.
You’re lucky you found out what she was saying to APS. I Didn’t find out until after she passed & everyone believed her
I took a pity approach when talking with others. “It’s so sad that my mother’s dementia has caused her mind to blend so much fiction into her reality. We’re doing our best to keep her from upsetting herself.”
Every time I visit her in care I get an earful about the awful things her daughter (me) is doing. On the upside, although bedridden, her broken brain keeps telling her she’s tired because she spent last weekend visiting NYC, she just got back from shopping with her niece, or she was up late finishing a school project. Seems she’s never bored.
Try and have another evaluation done…maybe by a different Dr just to see what they think. Explain to Dr you see big change after anesthesia and hospital time.
As for “handling it”, there’s not much you can do. Try to turn a blind ear to her stories. You can always investigate things for yourself to figure out what’s true.
The fact that she told people there’s a lot of sexual activity in the place could be
something she’s heard somewhere, because it can and does happen. Perhaps not in the place she’s in currently, but it is a known fact.
Dont try to correct her, don’t argue with her. When’s she’s out of earshot, you can try and explain it to the people she’s told stories to, but be prepared for them not to believe you. It’s frustrating, but there’s not a lot you can do. Once she has the diagnosis of dementia, you will be more prepared to explain to others that they need to take what she says with a grain of salt. You can also get financial, durable and medical POA so that you are able to handle her finances and medical business. If anyone squabbles over that you can then say she was diagnosed with dementia and can no longer handle stuff and you’ve gotten POA. Further explain, the dementia cause her to tell stories that aren’t true. If they still don’t believe you, turn a blind eye and eat to them. Do what you can for your mom’s safety and care. Everyone else can buzz off.
The best you can do is keep good documentation, especially if you are involved in her finances. And keep speaking your truth. Even if you can't get her to believe or agree with you, eventually the professionals she is working with with recognize what is happening.
It's tough that she told a sexually inappropriate story to your kids. I don't know how old they are, but you can explain that she is sick, and that her illness is causing her to believe things to be true that never happened.
You have our sympathy and support. This is very, very hard.
47 years of amazing stories in which I am ALWAYS the cause of the problem at hand. DH never stood up for me, he's slightly terrified of his mother.
She truly believes and tells everyone that I am the source of all her misery, her terrible life, the fact she hasn't slept since I came into the family--I could write for days and you wouldn't be able to take it all in.
NOBODY in the family took my 'side'. It was "Keep the peace, keep mom happy".
UNTIL my OD had a conversation with her in which I think her mind slipped a little and she started in on me. My OD was appalled. She stood up and said "Grandma, that is MY MOM you're talking about and what you are saying is not only mean and self serving, it's A LIE". OD was so upset (she was about 18 at the time)--and said to me "Mom, I am so sorry for the sh&t you've dealt with all these years. This is unforgiveable!" OD has not really even seen her gma since then. 25 years?
The fact that she now bashes EVERYBODY is not helpful to me as I think back to all the kowtowing I did--all the giving in and letting her be the boss. And all the times I cried the whole drive home b/c she had been so cruel.
DH now believes it. Too little, too late.
If her stories were funny or sweet or slightly embellished takes on what went on, that would be OK. But in every single instant, it starts out OK, but within minutes becomes hatefilled and placed directly in my lap.
Well, it IS forgiveable and someday I will be able to forgive her. But had I known all those years ago the stuff I'd be accused of (theft is one of the recurring stories!) I would NEVER have married my DH.
Now blaming it all on her dementia is a cheap way to say "This is how she has ALWAYS been--she just has no filter, so she says whatever she's thinking".
What bugs me is why are these women so powerful. Why is everyone afraid to stand up to them? (Everyone being their own kids I guess). My grandmother was the same way. We jumped through hoops for her. It wasn't so much bad mouthing as it was made up emergencies. We should have hung up the phone and called 911 when this happened, but someone always ran to her rescue as she wished.
It is a frustrating situation. I am sorry that you are going through this.
I took care of her for years & it really hurts that she said those things about me. I know she had dementia but even still…..
The accusations could be actual theft, physical abuse, abusive neglect, potentially sexual assault, and even worse. And if she's showtiming so adeptly, the accusations may even be relatively believable and create far more serious issues for you socially, as well as authorities potentially investigating the allegations.
The only real solution is to not have her living with you at all, and to keep the most meticulous possible records of all financial transactions that have to do with her. The stories and false accusations will keep coming, but at least they will no longer be quite so believable, if she's not under your care and every interaction you have with her being overseen in a facility.
Otherwise, mentally prepare yourself to constantly be on the defensive, attempting to disprove the unprovable to people who unwittingly entertain her stories. Or perhaps merely shrug them off with a dismissive comment, "She is blessed in believing so."
"Not beyond mild cognitive impairment" but "anesthesia, hyposia and blood loss have caused her dementia to advance." Well, then she's beyond mild cognitive impairment. You're right on target about changes in her personality and reasoning ability, and you should inform her doctors of that. She'll continue that way and get worse.
The only way to handle it is to accept what's happening to her and maintain your sense of humor. No one is going to believe her crazy utterances. My mom announced at a holiday family dinner that the Chinese people had put the cat in the washing machine and the cat had kittens there. The cat did have kittens in the washing machine when I was a kid, but no one put her there, and we hadn't met the Chinese people that mom was referring to until 40 years later.
Mom also thought that her dad was playing the organ in the loft (she could hear it)and that he was playing for his son who died in 1944. Her dad had been dead for 20 years or so and had never been to that house or played the organ as far as we know.
Confabulation occurs when a person with dementia creates new memories of things that never actually happened, or they alter memories of events that occur in their day-to-day life. Confabulation is a symptom linked not only to dementia but also to several other brain illnesses, including Alzheimer's disease and brain injury.
Showtiming is when a person with dementia purposefully plays down their behaviours in front of a certain person or people or during certain situations. It's very frustating for the caregiver who knows the situation to be much worse than the elder is making it out to be.
A real diagnosis of AD or dementia requires more than a 4 word test and what doctors "think" is irrelevant w/o actually testing mom! You know what they say about opinions. Get her tested with a SLUMS or MoCA mini cognition test which is pretty accurate and only takes 15 minutes. It's scored on a scale of 1-30 and depending on her score, will show where she falls on the dementia scale. My mother first scored an 18 and was accurately diagnosed with progressive dementia. She was the Queen of Showtiming and everyone thought she was sharp as a tack too.....until they asked her a REAL question and that's where the act fell apart. Chit chat w/o real CONTENT is what they're great at, nothing in depth.
As moms dementia advanced, she was confabulating wild stories of her "girls" in Memory Care Assisted Living taking her to a new hotel every night and out for fancy dinners and shows, exhausting her. In her mind, she was finally living an exciting life which was actually a nice change from her chronic decades of 24/7 complaining.
If you have to explain dementia to "people", then they are lucky not to be dealing with it firsthand. They're welcome to come care for mom anytime and see for themselves what dementia looks like, up close and personal.
PS. After reading your profile, I seriously question why you moved in with mother to care for her?? On her dime, hire in home caregivers or get her placed in Memory Care Assisted Living if you have POA and after she's properly diagnosed. You'll both be better off and mom will be safer and unable to do dangerous things any longer. Good luck.
So when you get calls or texts from well meaning folks who visited and got the stories just tell them "Well, sadly, her dementia has advanced, according to doc. Just enjoy the stories and nod your heads".
Best to you. So very sorry for this.