Follow
Share

My sister, Joney, is loyal to Harry but he won't let her talk to anyone. She shakes so badly now and relies on him for everything (like making a phone call). We set up meals on wheels and a house cleaner, but he won't answer the door or phone. I've been told that they dumpster dive for food and their low-income apartment wants them out because of the putrid stink of food and cat smells. They were kicked out of low rent housing because Harry would bring home junk from the dump grounds until the house and yard were overflowing. They never married because it would deplete their SSI. How do we set up a legal intervention to keep Joney away from Harry?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
You would need letters of incompetency and being a danger to herself along with an expensive fight for guardianship which you would pay for if you lost, and that often includes the appointed attorney for sister. There is likely little you can do to help.
I always recommend Liz Scheier's memoir about attempting for decades to help her Mom who had personality disorders. She never managed to do it even with the help of the City and State of New York. It is a lesson in just how helpless we really are in these situations. The name of the book is Never Simple.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
EmotionallyNumb Jun 2022
I read that book, it was really good!
(1)
Report
See 1 more reply
Not opening the door for meals on wheels but dumpster-diving for food? That bothers me and I'd be concerned as well. Based on what I've read here on the forum, there may not be much you can do. Have you called an agency like APS? Just wondering, because I was threatened with an APS investigation regarding a situation that's not nearly as bad as the one your sister is in. I'm sure they could at least listen to you. If you learn one thing, then the call was worth it. It's hard to see a sibling in a bad situation and I am so sorry.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

You need guardianship. And I am surprised that if this is a disability from birth, that her parents did not apply for it once she was 18. By law, your emancipated at 18. If their is a reason you cannot handle your own affairs, then guardianship is need.

By SSI do you mean supplimental income? Sister should be getting Social Security disability based on her parents earnings. At 70, she should already be on Medicare.

People that have some type of brain injury usually contract Dementia at some point. Harry at 70 could very well be showing signs of Dementia and depending on what type, show aggressiveness or be violent. Is there not someone who oversees him? If so, talk to them about how he is and maybe a mental evaluation is in order. In the meantime, talk to a lawyer and see what it would cost you to seek guardianship. Call your County Disabilities dept and see if there are group homes where your sister can be placed. Guardianship does not mean u have to physically care for her but will allow you to make decisions for her.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
cpell122112 Jun 2022
Her sister is 70. That means she was born in 1952. Back then, disabled people were hardly spoken of. I have CP and was born in 1967. Back then, No one wanted to know anything about disabled children. Unlike today where there is an abundance of help for the disabled. In 1952, words like disabled and Guardianship were rarely mentioned. And there were, they were dismissed out of hand.
(8)
Report
Are you sure Harry is developmentally disabled, and not a control freak preying on a disabled person? You may not be able to convince her of anything if she's been with him a long time, and I suspect Harry knows this.
I'd call APS tell them the situation, and go from there. You didn't mention your sister having a POA. If she doesn't have one, tell the APS Rep you'd like to apply to be a POA. Maybe they can put you in touch with a lawyer you can afford to represent you in court to help you attain a POA Proxy.
Something tells me that once Harry knows you've got POA, he'll be out the door so fast his shorts will have to run to catch up to him!

Good Luck!
Helpful Answer (9)
Report
Geaton777 Jun 2022
Just to clarify, PoA needs to be assigned by a willing and mentally competent person. The sister is developmentally disabled and may not be able to do this -- or be willing. PoA isn't gotten through the courts, guardianship is.
(8)
Report
Get a lawyer, you have more options than you can imagine, this is not an uncommon situation and their are laws to protect your sister, he has no rights and you have many. Your concern and willingness to intervene will be seen by a court in a favourable way and unless the controlling party has strong argument to the contrary he will have his hand forced. Good luck, act now.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

Its time to get dept of human services into the mix. They will help to see if she can live on her own if not put her in a place I know this is hard to swallow but might be the best for her.

Prayers.
Helpful Answer (11)
Report

You need guardianship asap. He is not related and a judge will fix that. Does he have access to any finances? If so, you need to get him away from her. If he is guarding her like that, theres no telling what is going on. She needs help.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Please intervene and get help what bothers me is his control over her life and the hoarding which causes health issues.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Get guardianship ASAP. Call Adult Protective Service in your area. Your sisters live in boyfriend has no rights over her. A guardian will…that needs to be to. Be ready for a battle…both sis and boyfriend will fight you. He’s a controller and she’s gullible. They need to be separated (permanently if possible). Im betting he has her so convinced he is good and everyone else is bad, it’ll be hard for her to separate from him.

Make sure you have things documented, like they don’t answer door for meal service, but then dumpster dive to eat. Make sure your sister will tell APS that her boyfriend won’t even allow her phone calls etc. Good luck.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

It sounds like you have a lot of legitimate concerns, but Joney may have enough capacity to choose to stay in the bad situation, as many people, even without mental challenges, choose.

The best strategy is to get her away from this life where she is trapped. Can you take her on a short vacation? It may take 3 days to get her to emotionally “detox/defrost” so you can learn more about her situation.

You can’t force her to see you if she doesn’t want to, so maybe taking baby steps is the best approach.

If you could invite her out for lunch or even taking her out to get her some groceries may break the ice and help by providing some nutrition.

if you don’t make contact, she could become even more isolated.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Beatty Jun 2022
I took someone shopping, to show them healthier versions of 'heatup' type frozen meals. They saw & bought new wonderful flavours of icecream 😖

But agree time/outings separate to partner is needed. If he objects to her spending time with family, explain personally what 'coersive control' is. That it is illegal. (Edit: is it illegal where you live?). Regardless, many don't realise what they are doing is considered wrong. Once pointed out - he hopefully can change. A friend's jealous boyfriend started like that.. she dumped him quick smart & told him to seek men's counselling. He did! It helped him understand. He was able to change his behaviour & they are back together successfully. Rare.. but possible.
(0)
Report
I would call Adult Protective Services or the police to do a welfare check, if he does not answer they will go in if you have not had contact.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

It's not a big stretch or surprising that a hoarder of things and is also imprisoning a person. I understand that she is a willing captive but she doesn't have the mental wherewithal to be responsible.
If Adult Protective Services can't help ask them who can and keep following the referrals until you get the right agency or lawyer.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Hello, that’s a tough one!
You may just have to let the State / City intervene. I can imagine it breaks your heart to see this but, they are adults. So unless you’re her POA you’re very limited. Keep asking and inquiring. I pray you find a better and more favorable solution 💕( pssst you can also be one of those callers to the City or State or hire a legal team)!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I would contact Adult Protective Services and explain the situation. It sounds to me like not only your sister, but also her boyfriend, need help. Once APS becomes involved, you can offer to take legal guardianship of sister, if APS has testing done and determines she lacks capacity. This is a difficult situation.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Adult Protective Services and Health Dept, and maybe a 72 hour psych eval.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

you need to get in touch with the show Buried Alive - and also the township- it would be considered unhealthy!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Call the authorities. She seems to be in an abusive relationship.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

My question is, who is going to take care of her if you separate them? Who else is she going to be able to depend on for everything?

Who is telling you they eat from the dumpster? This is a real thing and people do it proudly. Not saying I agree but, I have seen programs that explain this phenomenon.

If your sister is having health problems on top of her disability it is realistic that what she is telling you isn't accurate. Just be mindful of that.

I would not try to separate them but, I would try to get APS or their social workers involved. Maybe some intervention could help improve the situation for both of them.

Please don't let your standard of living destroy the life she has created for herself.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Please call your local adult protective services and they will investigate.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

She might be at a point where she would be medically eligible for NH care. Since she's on SSI, she would already meet income eligibility. Ask the doctor. If he gives the nod, tell Harry that dr said she has to move because of her health and safety. If Harry decides he wants to live there too, he can go to his own dr to see if they say he's medically eligible. Would probably be good for both of them - she is loyal to him, I suppose means she loves him. A facility wouldn't let him drag a hoard inside. They would get 3 hots and a cot and both be safer.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter