How can we force our "hoarder" mother to not be counterproductive when we are fixing the house to bring dad home?

Hording is a mental illness that can't be forced into changing. Has she been seen by a gerontologist to be evaluated for dementia? You may be dealing with a sick mind focused on hording and a broken brain that is demented and thus can't be reasoned with. I suggest that you start with having a doctor evaluate her. Unless she can be declared incompetent to handle her money in a business like manner, then you really can't force her to do anything, however wrong it may be.

Can you get a professional to assess the situation? You may have great intentions about moving your dad back where he can be in familiar surroundings but will it be safe? How much damage did the stroke do? Is he going to be able to get around the house when (not if- when) your mom clutters it up again?
My SIL had a lot of trouble finding caregivers who were willing to go into her hoarder aunt's home to help. If your mom is truly in need of assistance and now your dad is too, they might be better off in another living situation.

Cancel that card and don't let her have another. I had to cancel 4 cards. Spent hours on the phone but I could finally reason with my mother. I don't believe you can and your duress will be endless.

Is your mother an actual hoarder or does she just have more stuff than you would like her to have? There is comfort in most of that stuff you call junk. There are also memories in it.
I ask because my sister's in law moved, then tossed, most of my mother in law's stuff because they thought it was junk. My wife and I knew what it was and while there were some junky items most of it was family heirlooms. They are not interested in that kind of stuff. They even complained about having to take MIL's coin collection to the bank to get paper money for it...."see how we helped" they said. Someone at the bank was happy.
Just be careful and consider your mother's feelings. Maybe that's all she has--or thinks she has. "You have to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away and know when to run, There will be time enough for counting when the dealing's done".

I remember a few years ago my grandmother fell ill prior to my grandpa. Her wishes were to die in her home so, my uncles and aunt worked together to declutter her living space.. They built a bathroom on first floor and changed the living room into a bedroom because my grandma could no longer walk upstairs.

In her case she was too ill to argue about what’s hers and my grandfather was happy to comply. Unfortunately, my mother has officially become a hoarder and I worry about the same issues your facing. Her older siblings and I had multiple conversations with her about the healthy ness of decluttering which she agrees. But when it’s time to take action she make excuses.

My plan is to put her into a nice hotel for a few days and declutter the home while she’s out. I can’t see it happening with her in the home. Prior, I will allow her to place stickers on a few items for keepsake. The rest will get sold, donated or tossed.

Due to your moms excessive late night spending 💳 you might want to speak with a professional whose knowledgeable about senior hoarders. An attorney for understanding how to handling a senior parent who may be irresponsible with his or her funds. Just a thought

Many blessing to you and your sister.

First, know that you can't change a hoarder's behavior. It's a mental illness that has to be managed.

Does someone have mom & dad's POA? They need to rent a post office mail box for all mail and have it forwarded. This way you kids can sort out what is important- bank statement, bills, from the junk she'd like to pike ip like magazines.

Forwarding service is great- magazines will be forwarded once. You can search for customer service and the magazine's name and, using the numbers on her label, cancel the mag and get some small amount back.

For the credit cards, you need to act for them using the POA to get a new card with a different number and stop all charges to that current card. You can give Mom a reloadable card from Walmart for petty spending with maybe $10 a week as mad money. Then it's no more spending.

Finally, to keep the house manageable, she needs to be taken somewhere weekly while someone with good judgement- prob POA or sibling- tosses out the junk she's picked off the street. She may not be rojng this now, but when she can't buy she will likely start. Garbage often has to be taken elsewhere for disposal. Mthr wants to keep rubber gloves that have been used to change her diaper, and it's not a new behavior. Hoarding is a horrible compulsion and mental illness that needs to be managed like skin picking, hair twisting, or over washing hands.

Wtch a few of the episodes of the tv series Hoarders. You can find them on YouTube. Try separating the issues of mom's hoarding and where dad should live. Solve dad first. Mom's issues will take a lot longer and may never be resolved to the point where it's safe for dad now.

My mom was/is a hoarder in that she never threw a piece of paper away. Or food in her refrigerator. We've moved her 5 times since her husband died. We are still sifting through the stuff from the first move (in storage) that did not go with her. She had purchased a nice little house in town and before she sold the farm. My husband had to remove the beds and take them to the new house to force her to move. We only took clothes and a very few pieces of furniture. Once we got her in that house, she lost all interest in the stuff left behind in the old one. We are still sorting through it. Most of it is tossed, but my sister finds money and savings bonds. The next move was to senior living apartment near me. That time we only moved some clothes and personal items and bought what furniture we would need. That little house she left was full again. All her mail, 100 containers of laundry detergent, 50 toothbrushes, etc. At this time, I took charge of her finances. I started going over to the apartment with large garbage bags on a regular basis and taking the mail with me. Then we moved her to memory care. She is now in a nursing facility, but it took us the best part of a day to clear out her closet, throw away the newspapers and return all the books she borrowed while she was there.

First I would check into the financial aspect of all this as well as clearing out the house. (You might have to limit credit card amounts, or close them)
Some of what you are describing are signs of Dementia as well. Saving things, irrational spending, not comprehending why things need to be done despite repeating the reasons again and again.
So the question is Can your Dad take care of your Mom, can your Mom care for your Dad?
Would it be better to sell the house and move them both to a Senior community that has the full range from active seniors, Independent Living, Assisted Living and Memory Care so that they will not have to move as either declines. If you compare the expenses of owning a house and all that goes with it to the single expense of Assisted Living what is the difference each month. And it might be possible that if they start as private pay from the proceeds from the sale of the house application for Medicaid later the facility will often accept the Medicaid more easily than if they were to move in on Medicaid.

You will not be able to change the hoarding behavior. All you can do is decrease the damage. My mom was not a serious hoarder but there was excessive attachment to useless stuff. When she was in Memory care and had minimal possessions, she still managed to collect stuff and hide it. Do you have power of attorney POA for both of your parents? If not, do it now. Do not delay. I cannot emphasize enough that this is more important than anything else you are doing. If you have POA you can cancel the credit card or have the number changed. You can have the bills sent to your house etc. Please consider the suggestion another person made to move them both to assisted living. This is a really good idea. After that , you can deal with the mess. If she really did memorized the credit card number, then I'm thinking she does not have dementia.

My in-laws lived in their home 50+ years and never threw away one single thing. My husband begged them for years to move but they just couldn't leave the house and their stuff. And my mil was/is a hoarder. After my fil died we left the house as is and moved my mil to a senior community in the state we live in and she bought everything new (despite the fact that she hoards money as well - which at least means she has plenty of it, but doesn't like spending it at all). My husband took her back to her home a few months later and spent a few weeks trying to sort through stuff with her. It was a disaster and far too emotionally draining for her. Bottom line, she was happy to get back to her clean, new, apartment. There was nothing pretty or nice about the old home. My husband ended up taking three weeks doing the dumpster/donation thing and packing a small pod of things to bring back. It was an enormous job, but now it's done, the house is sold and my mil is actually very happy where she is and that she no longer has to deal with a house. We were so afraid that she would constantly say she missed it too much, but the opposite is true. She also seems to like keeping her new place nice and simple as she has friends come over. I believe it's far better for most elderly to go into a senior living situation where there are things to do and people their age to be around. They think they really want to stay at home because of course it's where they've always been, but for most, while it's not a perfect situation (because there really is not one at this point) it's by far the best one and much easier on family and children.

I will agree that this may be a sign of dementia more than hoarding. She does not sound capable of managing her finances (credit, checking, etc.) I would have her assessed by her doctor or a specialist. If she has dementia, even early stages, she will NOT be able to care for your father when he returns or credit cards and finances.

If you do not currently have DPOA, explore whether both are still capable (and willing) to sign the required paperwork. Please use an Elder Care attorney AND inquire if they include "digital" access in the document - one CC allowed me to use the DPOA, which let me discuss with them, close or freeze account and use the phone system to check purchases, but would NOT allow me to have online access or order a card (she would misplace it, ask me to cancel and then reorder, meanwhile the old card would show up! I would try to reorder via her phone and needed to get her okay for me to talk to them, but she could not hear them!)

The problem with allowing them/her to continue handling finances is people who scam by phone (include those TV offers too) or in person. She could potentially give away the "farm." If she has not been declared incompetent, and she signs or agrees on the phone to anything, you likely cannot get out of it or reimbursed.

If they/she are not competent, you will have to file for guardianship and conservatorship (relates to personal decisions/financial decisions.) Without DPOA or guardianship/conservatorship there is not much you can do.

As for cleaning out stuff - do NOT leave anything where she has access to it! When mom started digging out old paperwork and thinking it was new, there was no real way to get her to understand (once it was on the kitchen table, it 'just came in the mail'.) I had my brother take her out and "swept" the place for all the paperwork I could find. I had once, prior to this, tried to talk her into going through clothes to get rid of what was too small, but she waved me off. I had not checked around the condo or I would have pushed harder or done the "get her out and sweep the place." After we moved her to MC and started to take care of stuff, then we realized she saved everything she ever bought from Marshall's and TJMaxx - clothes, purses, shoes galore!!!! She had 4-5 of those porta-closets, in addition to all closets, drawers, boxes, bags, anything she could keep stuff in. Sure, it was all, as she said, 'nice', but much outdated and most would not fit her anymore. It has taken 1.5 years to clean it out and get it on the market!!! It is about 1.5 hours each way for me, I cannot handle heavy items and despite going several times/month and getting limited help from brothers, it still took this long!!
Although she had all these clothes, I did not consider it true hoarding, just keeping "nice" stuff. As far as having multiples of items, she would buy stuff, put it away and forget she had it, and then buy more. She accused my brother of stealing her tweezers (seriously mom?), I got her another and on cleaning found at least 3 in her bathroom and about 6-8 in a plastic container in the dresser drawer. NOT hoarding, just memory lapse.

Summary:
1) get her assessed (understand that she can "show-time", aka dupe PC doc)
2) explore DPOA or guardianship/conservatorship
3) determine if they can remain in the home alone/care for each other properly
4) have someone take her out for a bit and clear out stuff each time
5) take said stuff, trash or donation items, away with you that day

How are you going to handle having dad home after a stroke/HSV? He will need around the clock care. That means people coming/ going. Are you expecting mom handle this with her issues? Your dad can't take care of her now.
She might start barring caregivers from the home. Or worse, say that she can help, but you will find out she cant. Hoarding effects the mind. She will have huge meltdowns or ignore you. Hoarding is a huge sign she's not coping. Everyone can see the fire hazard, mold, safety issues. The hoarder can't see these issues. They are not dealing in reality. They have a toe hold in reality, but not really.

If you clean out a spot for dad, it will get filled back in around him. The hoarding continues. It doesn't stop bc you cleaned. Cleaning, and your dad's issues will trigger more hoarding, more meltdowns.

Do you think caretakers will work 8hrs in a house they can barely move around in? Does dad have a commode next to the bed, need a trail to the bathroom? Is the bathroom/tub accessible even for caregivers to use? Carertakers might call adult services because of the health hazard, safety issues. Thinking their doing it for the safety of your dad. They won't care your trying your best to deal with mom.

I see moms issues as a HUGE problem. With dad you can pick up the phone and get him placed or get help. I'd move them to nursing home, and assisted living. In an apt she will cont to hoard. You just moved the problem. They will get evicted in no time. She needs round the clock monitoring too.

If you try to get them in anywhere, DO NOT NOT NOT tell them mom hoards! They wont take her! Do not confide in them. They want you to, so they know ALL the family issues. They are not your friends! They are hired help to help with a placement.
The hoarding would be curtailed without car, $, activities, people always around. They see it as a problem avoided. There will never be an opening at any facility. I have heard where hoarders volunteer at memory care, and the hoarding has just about stopped bc they have friends, activities, and active life now. They dont need that to release stress.

You need to move them. Then get the junk guys and the place cleaned for sale. It will keep getting filled the moment you turn your back. You have not stopped the primary issue hoarding. You just cleaned an area to store more crap.

You can't put a band aid over that situation. You will end up getting sick from stress.
Like everyone says get poa, and get control of her spending ASAP. She shouldnt have access to a phone either, because she will cont to order from the tv. Get mail sent to P.O. Box. She will order from magazines & mail. She will get new credit & cards from offers sent. Send back the horrible order from televangelist. That could be a months worth of $ used for dad's meds.

Mom will just pull everything back out of the dumpster, cry, scream, meltdown, and then as soon as your back is turned go get more.

While you are waiting for POA, You have got to call the credit card company ASAP, and say she lost the card. They will cancel it. That will stop the buying for now. Then make sure you get the New card out of the mail before she does!
Better get all the mail while your at it, she will find bank statements and order checks, a new card so she has more $. She will open NEW accounts, and credit.
Scammers can also start calling her wanting $$$. They also scam by selling her worthless items, or say they are selling new windows, gutters etc. They do cold calls hoping to find an elderly person who they can scam.
You need a clean slate and to get both out of the house, and control the finances. The hoarding won't stop otherwise.
I think you are woefully naive about the situation or in denial. She hoards to relieve her stress. You bringing dad back, and caregivers and dumpsters, taking her stuff without asking will make the situation worse. Good luck.

Don't think you can cancel a credit card with a balance. You may want to freeze them until the balance is paid off.

Is it safe for them to be in this home - who will be the caregiver? - start looking at placing them together in a new situation where they will get daily help then look at selling that house once it is cleaned up even more because it looks like that is what is coming sooner than later

I don't know if you have any POA or legal authority to do so, but you could cancel the credit card, or tell the company it was lost and have another issued and intervene when delivered so she doesn't get it. Then there would be a new CC number which she wouldn't already have memorized.

As soon as an agency caregiver or Home Health staff member (SS or Nurse or CNA) steps into your parents' house and sees all of the stuff being hoarded, that person will contact the local Adult Protective Services or whatever agency has to be contacted about unsafe living situations.  Then a local government agency will get involved whether you like it or not and demand that something be done about all of the stuff.  They will not allow your Dad to live in such unhealthy conditions and may even refuse to let him go home or demand that he move to an assisted living or nursing home until such time that your Mom and your family can make the house safe and sanitary again.

Take care of your Father first and find him someplace that is safe and healthy for him to live in.  THEN you can address the hoarding problems with your Mother. 

I agree--watch some of the "Hoarders" TV shows--especially those that are about a family member not being able to return home from the hospital because the house is unsafe and unhealthy to live in.  This is not a problem that started overnight and it is a problem that can not be solved overnight either.  Good Luck and God Bless.

Your mother has an illness. So a hoarder has a mentality that says, e.g., "301 of the same, identical teddy bear is not too much." When even one is removed, their broken mind cannot handle it. That's when a social worker steps in.

Hey closetenvy, I have two hoarder parents -- who are divorced for 40 years and live separately -- and thankfully my father is open to my getting rid of things (I did it behind his back, out of sight, but with his general consent), but my mother is still obsessively attached to her stuff.

I think you're in quite the pickle if you're going to attempt to change lifelong habits of a hoarder. I don't think that you'll be successful without a heavy hammer to stop the behavior.

The effective hammer might be a few things: what about you make every single credit card go missing..? They have to be replaced and old numbers will no longer be good. Can someone intercept the mail for the new cards that will be arriving? I used to take my father's checks that he mailed out to catalogs and tear them up out of his sight. He never mentioned it or complained, and he stopped ordering so much from catalogs, too. This is what I call a "call-response behavior" for them. They do it because they're conditioned by their particular brain associations, because they mistakenly believe they need things they don't need, and/or they're also getting pleasure from being able to purchase things. Neither of those feelings/ideas have anything to do with actually owning the stuff! Owning the stuff is a pain in the butt, but buying it is fun. If you can find a way to allow your mom to go through the motions of buying, without actually buying, she won't miss the things that don't show up in packages imo.

The other hammer to bring in on this situation is the threat of having to move your father away from the home because the environment is unsafe due to clutter. Perhaps your mom would respond to that.

Good luck. Hoarding is such a tough mentality to change. There are helpful talks and videos online about it if you want to understand better.

Closetenvy, I suggested something you already tried, to take away the physical credit card, but since mom has the number memorized, call the card in as stolen. You could call it in anonymously, maybe say that you found a card or a wallet full of cards, and tell each issuing bank that the card is out of owner's possession. Then they have to cancel the current card number and reissue. It's worth a shot, I think, if you want to take away your mom's unnecessary purchasing power.

I feel your pain! My dad went driving around all day, spending THOUSANDs on crap he didn’t need. Sprinkler parts, tarps, he owns 9 drills, sanding supplies, pool chemicals, lottery tickets, etc.... even though he had a suspended license. Because we live 3 hours away, we didn’t see the full extent of it until he took a fall and we forcibly moved him closer to us in a one bedroom apartment. He insists he “needs” scalers, paint brushes, razor cutters, etc in his apartment - and trying to explain that he isn’t ALLOWED to do maintenance is a losing battle. He has “borrowed” tools from “the guy downstairs” (still trying to figure out if he’s out knocking on doors all day looking for stuff) and has been in the leasing office DAILY asking for glue, paperwork, paint scrapers...
he ao t let anyone come into his apartment to take care of him, so an aide or companion is out of the question. I am stopping over 2-3 times a day trying to piece together where he’s been and who he has bothered for things. I told him he cannot keep bothering the leasing agents and he simply states “so what! If I got a question I’m gonna Go ask it!” He just doesn’t get it!
if he gets kicked out of his 55+ apartment because he is doing strange things and borrowing items, and pestering the management, then assisted living is next for him.
my advice- get RID of any purchasing power your mom has. Do whatever you can immediately. Then, understand that just because the credit card is gone, the underlying issue is still there. Don’t try to reason with her- in her Mind, she makes perfect sense.
Siunds like both parents need round the clock care, but for different reasons.

I just gave up with my parents. I couldnt even get rid of a dining menu from the hospital lol.

Have you the required caregiver in their home, coming 24/7?

I am questioning the legality of calling the credit card company and telling them that your Mom's card has been stolen.  Since your Mom has the credit card number memorized and continues to use it, I am wondering if the credit card company might contact the police and attempt to press charges against your Mom for stealing the credit card. (So what if it is her own card--it was reported stolen and until the credit card company verifies that the credit card wasn't really stolen, they could arrest the person who "supposedly stole the credit card and is currently using it".)  THEN WHAT--If the credit card company finds out that you FALSELY REPORTED the credit card as being STOLEN, you could get into legal trouble for that.    Just a thought ?!?

I I think our mothers may be long lost twins. I grew up in a home that had little trails through the mountains of boxes. Over the years all of my siblings and myself at one point or another cleaned it out. It took her no time at all to fill it right back up.

When when she was older it was more difficult for her to gather more things and that's when the credit card shopping escalated. By the time I moved in and started paying the bills her visa spending was outrageous. Thousands of dollars on those late night infomercials. I could not convince her that those commercials are specifically designed to suck all the money from senior citizens and others who have trouble sleeping and are awake at that hour with nothing better to do.

The the last straw for me was a magazine subscription scam she bought into. They kept billing large amounts for magazines that didn't show up. I phoned, I emailed, tried to contact through their website, and never being able to contact a real person. I sent correspondence stating because they would not respond to me or provide me with a list of magazines she ordered and the delivery schedule they could consider contract cancelled and we would not be paying anything further. No response. I contacted her credit card company and said she was being scammed. Surprisingly they immediately canceled her card and even reversed the last couple of payments. Well, didn't that get their attention! I finally got a call from the so-called magazine broker asking for their money. I told them due to their unscrupulous tactics there would be no money forthcoming and would they please care to f*** off. The representative , no doubt trained in the art of manipulation , yelled and screamed and threatened to take me to court. I told him I looked forward to it see you then . I had kept copies of everything and a journal of how many times I phoned xcetera which I then sent along with my complaint to the Better Business Bureau. A couple of responses back and forth and the company agreed to cancel the contract and contact us no further.

I I made mom a binder with all pertinent information I could print out from the internet about scams against senior citizens, the tactics they use, a spreadsheet that showed what she had spent in a year, ads showing that I could have purchased her the same product or better for less money. She would never believe what I said but when it was in writing like that then it must be true. The government had actually put out a publication about scams and senior citizens. When the new credit card arrived I did give it to her but I said I would cancel it again if this continued. I told her it wasn't about denying her what she wanted but not to be taken advantage of. If you want something tell me and I will look into it, find it or better, and get a better price. It took a little while but it worked. A little while meaning a couple of years if I remember correctly . Once in a blue moon she couldn't help herself end I took the card away just to prove a point. She actually listened. One thing that was hard to convince her of was the psychic scam. Even though I printed out all the reports on this particular psychic scam she did not believe that this was not a real person. I created my own printouts claiming outrageous psychic abilities, promising health, wealth, and happiness, if you sent money. And I used my mom's picture. I printed it and tucked it into the local Sunday paper. Hahahahaha. Priceless. It worked.

Dealing dealing with the hoarding took longer and is a whole separate answer. It's also different when the hoarder is the person needing care rather than their spouse. In your situation it will be far more difficult. I wish you luck and I truly hope you can get through to her. Especially for your father's sake. When you are caught between a rock and a mountain of stuff sometimes the only option left is to walk away and pray that they see the light before it's too late.

What what are your father's thoughts and wishes on this matter? You said he had enabled her all these years but what would he say if you told him he wasn't going home again if it wasn't cleaned up? He cannot stay where he is so you are now looking at other options? Would he try to get through to his wife? Maybe he's the only one who can that is if it is possible in the first place.

This this may sound awful but I was really strict when it came to health and safety. I figured that was my job. I even went so far as to have Mom sign a simple contract giving me veto power on decisions relating to health and safety only. Now I know we don't all see things the same way. Knowing my mom the way that I did I knew how to present an idea or argument in a manner that made sense to her, at least most of the time. I was very creative and manipulative if needed to get Mom to see things differently or to agree. Sometimes it was as easy as showing her another perspective. Sometime I had to be really hard on her. I had a good insight to what would work and what would not.

For example, I would tell both parents the dad is absolutely not coming home because it is not safe to live in that situation. I would present other options for their consideration. Costs and environments of other living situations. A sample budget of what their Financial lives would be like living separately as well that showing how long whatever money they have would last in each scenario. Showing them a worst-case scenario of where they could end up if changes were not made now. Be ready with a written list of reasonable changes as well as how you will be able to assist and support them. Reassure them that your goal is to work together so that dad can move home and they can carry on with their lives. To do this however everyone, yes this means you Mom, has to make sacrifices or it's just not going to work......etc

Yes, it is a scare tactic, I know. I was always kind but simply factual. I did not lie even though I may have skewed the facts in my favor... The goal was not to scare my mom into doing what I wanted but to open her mind to accepting change. As she had more difficulty getting around and needed more assistance the stuff had to go. That's a fact. I could have gone behind her back and cleaned up but she would have resented me and that would have caused another problem. You can't just force someone especially a hoarder into a different reality. I needed her to come to the same conclusion as I had for herself. She wanted to live at home. I was willing to sacrifice and take care of her. She too had to sacrifice (the stuff) to make it work. I always told her I will do whatever is in my power to do for her but if it is too difficult or beyond my capabilities she would not be able to live at home. So what should we do?

Amazingly, I got through to her. Okay, my devious tactics got through to her. Step by step with respect I cleaned out everything with her permission. And she loved it. Never in a million years did I ever think that was going to happen. I'm still kind of stunned.

You you know your parents best and what might work to get them or her in this case to make some changes. A reverse bait and switch or Psychological warfare if you want to call it that. Be firm, be kind, be factual, be supportive. Scare them or shock them into opening their eyes and their minds to their current reality. Maybe it won't work but it's worth a shot?

Update
Thank you for all of your advice. I am well aware of the legal aspect because I work at a Guardian and Conservatorship office. I would never allow father to go home again with the house the way it was. Having my father unable to come home has been a wake up call for my mother. I of course am aware she is no where near "cured", but she has allowed my sister and I to remove 8 truckloads of donations from the house, take out 30 yards of garbage, and "mostly" cooperated during the process over the past 3 months. We have been pulling up carpet and replacing windows and painting and are about 4 weeks from bringing him home, provided we can find a live in caregiver for 2 people who cannot drive. Home Health came out to assess mother, and are going to come out weekly for some PT and OT for peripheral neropathy and all the updates and cleaning have helped the homes value should we have to sell it to place them in care together. My sister and I work well together and have been co managing them since it began. We aren't delusional or in any way in denial about the situation, and so far, I have been able to keep mom from any more rediculous purchases or donations to tv churches after we explained the severity of the situation and that home health was a mandatory reporter and the house wasn't even the same house by the time they came for evaluation. Once a situation like that is atleast being addressed and visible progress is being made, the authorities do not even need to be involved. Believe I was about to report her myself but gave her the option of either cooperatiing, or having to be under a microscope from now until eternity. The continued magazine subscriptions are another issue, but since they do not drive, I have intercepted a couple of those, and she will be away from home while we paint and finish the carpet. However, it was paid for already, meals included, and the doctor talked to dad about the cards, and it is being handled also. I have applied to be payee for his retirement accounts and Social Security, since that is what I do at work already, and then I can open a new account, and she wont have access to future monies from him.
It is a long road ahead, I already know this wasn't a "cure", but we are working tirelessly on this. He may not be able to be there, even with help, but I have to atleast take him home to see that we cleaned it all of up and made it safe for his return and that mom is still waiting for him.