We need to stop a sibling from borrowing money from “the bank of mom” when it often does not get paid back. He’s nearly 60 years old and still uses her checking account and doesn’t have one if his own. It’s constant and she has recently put one of his bills on a credit card she herself could not have paid and asked us other children to pay the bill. Essentially asking us to pay his bill. How do we stop this permanently?
Have you confronted your brother and told him how you feel?
How many times on this forum do we see one of the children taking on the care of a parent because there is no money, and then there is a Medicaid penalty period because of the money being given/loaned to one sibling?
" when the time comes that mom needs to be bathed and her diaper changed, I guess you will be the one to do it, since there won't be any funds left to pay for a caregiver. Medicaid want pay because she has gifted all this money to you. Mom, I hope you'll be happy being made a ward of the State and sent to whatever nursing home they have room in. Probably too far away for us to visit."
But only if you're sure mom is competent.
Tell brother that Mom can no longer support him. He needs to pay that bill because his siblings are not supporting him.
Unfortunately people have the right to make bad choices.
Sometimes having Adult Protection call your sibling has an impact.
If your mom is competent, there’s really nothing you can do. POA won’t help you. If she needs Medicaid in the next five years, this is going to be a huge problem.
You are exactly right. Even with DPOA or POA, if mom is deemed competent by a court, she can do as she wishes with the money.
Also, telling her what to do could be deemed elder abuse by adult protective services.
Lastly, the really sad thing is that even if the parent has mild dementia, the courts may still deem her competent enough to give gifts to her relatives.
The courts are very reluctant to deem someone incompetent for fear they may be abused by those who are trying to have them deemed incompetent.
Giving one's money away, may be crazy if it causes a medicaid penalty, but it is not enough to deem someone financially incompetent.
There is a fine line between being incompetent and simply acting irresponsible.
I went through this with my mother and brother, because my mother was considered competent there was nothing I could do but sit back and watch the train wreck. Now, she has no money so guess who doesn't call her anymore.
And if your brother is like mine; you can't take them to small claims court or have them pay it back because they have no money, nor is there any proof! "Can't get blood out of a turnip."
Sorry:(
she cant stop herself. Have it ready to go by taking her to the bank
my MIL has given my BIL over 200K over the last 20 years
My cousins even "sweet-talked" my Grandma's 90+ year old Brother to give them money, used cars, used mobile homes, pay their house rent, etc. We have determined that they got $50,000 - 80,000+ from Grandma and $80,000 - $100,000+ from her Brother during the 10 years before their deaths.
The only way to stop the "money bleeding" was for my Dad to petition for Conservatorship of Grandma.
If you can prove that your Mom is giving your sibling her Social Security money as soon as it is deposited into the bank or as soon as the check is cashed, you might be able to have the sibling charged with Fraud against Social Security and Financial Abuse of an Elderly Person.
Does your Mom live by herself or with this sibling? Do you think that your Mom will be needing to go into a nursing home and needing Medicaid in the next 5 years? If so, then you need to have a family conference to discuss your Mom's future health care needs and how she is going to pay for them. (I am guessing that your Mom is in her 80's?) Medicaid looks back 5 years to see how much money your Mom has "gifted" or given to anyone and will penalize your Mom for giving her money away instead of saving it for her care. Who is your Mom's DPOA for Finances and Healthcare?
That said....How old is your mom and have you noticed cognitive decline? Is there any way to convince her to give either you or another sibling DPOA? If so, get that name on checking and CC, and any assests she may have asap and inform brother financially he needs to fend for himself. Certainly not an simple fix with family dynamics such as they are, but a necessary one.....especially when you’ve reached the point when siblings are approached to pay for deadbeats bills. You have to prepare for the possibility of long term care for your mom..... and her generosity to your brother can truly impact the type of care she receives with penalties incurred because of the Medicaid five year look back.
Good luck...it saddens me to know you are going through this as well. Not only does a situation like this raise anxiety levels, but we also have the emotional impact that needs to be dealt with. Not easy by any stretch.
Try to keep it very factual. If you can muster it without sarcasm or anger, talk with your brother about how you might help him to budget so that he can meet his expenses without mom's help.
Do not try to get mom to agree that she shouldn't be supporting her son. She believes what she believes and she has a right to. She may even think that it's reasonable to expect her other children to help support him. Don't try to change a mom's mind about her kids.
Stick to the facts. She will need that money in the near future and it needs to be there for her or she will not have any choices about her independence.
POA should be put in place, I think.
And then tell Mom you will be taking charge of all HER bills and her accounts. Make sure Mom only has $5.00 in account at all times. You will need to babysit mom's money flow.
If she is a basically reasonable woman, then try to have a nitty gritty talk about the realities of aging - how she will need ALL her money for her own care. Hate to say it, but be brutally frank of this. No softening or she will assume she can talk you around if necessary.
that. :)
Based on this she should not be taking care of her own finances.
You can seek Guardianship of your mother. By doing this you will have control over her accounts. You would become Guardian of the person and the estate.
Guardianship is NOT easy and there is paperwork involved but it will protect her assets. All purchases have to be documented and any withdrawal will be reviewed by the court.
If your Mom has to apply for Medicaid any "loans" will be problematic and either have to be repaid or it will delay the acceptance of Medicaid.
I suggest an Elder Care Attorney that will help with the Guardianship and possibly finding a way to get "deadbeat" son to either repay loans or possibly begin a suit for repayment, or threaten to bring charges of elder financial abuse.
Don't help with the bills - this is enabling. Use her request for help as an opportunity to talk with her about her finances and the issues with medicaid. This may best be done with an elder lawyer familiar with medicaid. At the same time draw up POA etc if it has not been done.
Your bro is extremely dependent if at age 60 he is still using her bank account, She is extremely co-dependent that she allows this. Interfering with this (however necessary) will be difficult.
I agree report this to APA, her doctor and her bank. Does she have any signs of dementia?