How do I answer my Mom when she asks everyday to go home?

Feel so bad for you, my Dad had dementia and spent his final 14 mos in a home. His behaviors were outrageous and dangerous, we had no options left to keep him home. With that being said I got quite the education. I was with him 4 days a week, volunteered there and went on to work there after his death in activities. I read books, attended alzheimers conventions, anything I could to get info. Not sure how bad off your mom is. My dad was in and out, remembered his family and that he wanted out if there. When mom would try to orient him it made it worse. I would tell him when he asked that " I was waiting on the Dr to discharge him. I'd say you were in the hospital and this is where they put you after for rehab. You'll be out soon dad, as soon as the Dr thinks your strong enough. I said if I take you home without drs discharge insurance won't pay the bill. It's going to be a big bill so be patient dad, I promise you I'm getting you home. But we have to do it the official way, it won't be long." Killed me to lie to him and I cried a lot. But it always helped. He believed me and he'd settle down. It could be 2 minutes or 2 hours and what I said and where he was, was forgotten by him. You lie because they won't remember your words they are only left with bad moods and feeling upset but have no clue why their feeling that way. Better to get the good feelings (which they don't know either, why they feel either way) the good vibe you leave her with is key. It's about feelings now not facts. You don't correct and orient, it does no good. This book helped me so much, ( Untangling Alzheimers a guide for families and professionals.....by Tam Cummings PhD Gerontolgist) I wish you all the best and hope something I said helps. Hang in there , you and mom are in my prayers.

Me, I would say "When your doctor gives me a letter stating that you can leave this facility, I will consider it, until then this is your home".

If she doesn't stop, say " I am leaving now as your behavior is too upsetting for me, my well being", always leave, don't answer her calls for a day or two, start training her to accept your boundaries and that you will stick to them.

The ball is in your court...good luck!

She is manipulating you, this is a very common senior dementia tactic.

Has mom had a hospice evaluation yet? If not, you may want to speak to her PCP about getting an order for an evaluation. Hospice was wonderful with my mother and helped calm her down tremendously.

In the meantime, a low dose of Ativan .25 mgs may help her quite a bit and calm her down. I don't understand "early onset dementia" at the age of 94! Early onset means a person is diagnosed young. Perhaps you mean early dementia instead?

My mother was quite like yours.....when she got to the moderate stage of dementia and I had to move her from Assisted Living into Memory Care. She was livid and it was all my fault, which in reality, it wasn't. It wasn't my fault mom was 92 (at the time) or had dementia, heart problems or was wheelchair bound. Just like it isn't your fault your 94 year old mother's life has turned out like this. Old age and infirmity is tough to deal with, and not something we daughters can fix. My mother had bad GERD and was vomiting constantly so her food had to be chopped up into small bits. She was FURIOUS about that which translated into it being my fault! She also said she wouldn't feed that food to a dog. She started insisting she had to live in my house and that I was lying about not having a handicapped accessible home. On and on this went for 2 long years.

I'd tell mom that I wasn't going to stand for her tirades, and that I'd leave her presence or end the call if she couldn't manage to play nice. 90% of the time she'd stop the nonsense, too. I'd tell her she was living in MC under doctors orders and if he said she could leave, THEN we'd talk about it. Nothing really worked though. Logic and reason doesn't get thru to dementia. But love and affection does. Just stick to your guns with why she's there, tell her you love her, bring her some treats, photos and the pleasure of your company, and leave if the tirade gets too intense. In short order she'll understand you mean business.

Screaming and sobbing are symptoms of agitation. Again, speak to her doctor about calming meds and see what he says. If she's particularly bad in the afternoons, that's known as Sundowning and tends to worsen as dementia progresses. Sundowning was terrible with my mom, and the very worst in the last 6 months of her life. Thank God for Ativan, is all I'll say. Let mom know that you're happy to visit, but that she'll have to be nice to you if she wants you to keep coming. Try distraction techniques like snacks, photos or videos of pets and grandkids or babies. Sometimes baby dolls help women with dementia bc it gives them a purpose in life again, and something to care for. It may be too soon in her journey right now though, idk.

Download a 33 page booklet called Understanding the Dementia Experience by Jennifer Ghent Fuller. It will help you understand how you mom's brain is working nowadays. There are some great do' s and don'ts in there too, along with coping mechanisms and helpful ideas.

Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller 
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580


Best of luck with a very difficult situation; you have my sympathy b/c I know how hard this whole matter truly IS! Sending you a hug & a prayer for peace.