Hello, I'm looking for advice on how to approach my father regarding the bathroom situation.
For the last three or four months, my father has been having some kind of difficulty using the bathroom. Usually once a day he will have a bowel movement, and when I go in the bathroom after, I will find feces smeared on literally every object in there. It's also outside in the hallway, on the light switch, and on the washer and dryer and inside the rim of the washer. Tonight, I cleaned the bathroom twice. Once because it was dirty from yesterday's bowel movement, and about a half an hour later after tonight's bowel movement the same disaster happened. I bleached the whole bathroom and everything else again.
Before I went to bed, I had to change his bandage and I realized that he has feces smeared on his bare feet, as well as all over the front of his pants legs up to his knees which is now smeared on the bed also because he doesn't care about having dirty feet all over beds or couches.
I didn't say anything to him when I cleaned the bathroom either time, nor have I said anything to him in the past about it, but I did mention that if I was him, I would wash myself and change my pants before going to dialysis tomorrow because there is feces smeared all over him. He looked at me with a shocked expression and said really?! There is?! I didn't say anything else...
I'm not sure what to do about this. I don't know what kind of help he could need in there. There are flushable wet wipes as well as toilet paper which I had to throw the toilet paper roll out because there was feces smeared all over that too, but neither of my parents will use the wet wipes. I don't know why.
I don't know what else I can do, but this is extremely dirty and I'm not sure how to approach him because I don't want to embarrass him. I also don't want him mad at me and I don't really know how to present it to him...
This is very concerning because my mother also uses that bathroom and if he's got feces wiped all over the toilet seat and lid, the handles to the sink, and in the sink itself, etc, my mother is without doubt going to get it all over her also, and she has dementia and refuses to shower so that's a whole situation that I am really not wanting to have to deal with 😖
Wondering if anyone out there has dealt with this and what they did.
Thanks in advance for any responses♥️
Cause:
Is it loose bowels, striking so suddenly he can't control?
Recent change of meds? Antibiotics? Infection?
Is it worsening mobility? Just can't get there in time, bend, reach, work arthritic hands adequately? Manage clothes?
Fatigue? So tired he is holding the walls for support? Can't be bothered washing hands?
Cure:
Take your suspicions to his Doctor for advice/treatment.
Contain:
- Depends, pull-ups or similar.
- Easy trousers eg track pants with elastic waist.
"Dad, looks like you need a little help with cleaning up these days - so here are some new easier trousers & these great new style men's underwear. I'll be here in the bathroom to help".
Unless you are NOT ok with wipe-up duty! Which is FINE by the way, but does leave the question.. who will be?
Cos it is clear that Dad now needs assistance in the toileting department.
Why is everything on top of your shoulders? Did you move in with your parents? Did you move them in with you?
What do you mean that your father "refused to put things in order"?
This could be the point you put your foot down and say NO MORE. Time for a facility for at least your father, don't you think?
As far as my dad refusing to put things in order, for years (15+) my mom and i and my brother have been urging and reminding him to put things in order, things such as a long-term care policy, so that if and when this point in life ever arrived, we would be able to absorb the situation easier and smoother. It also took having heart surgery a year ago to finally prompt him to take care of the will and trust. There are other things he chose to neglect, such as repairing the leaking moldy roof in the back of the house so that ithe room would be in good condition if the need for a live-in worker is ever needed. And others..
I get it, it's his life and his money and he gets to choose to do what he wants with it, however, when he expects people to help him but hes made things as difficult as he can by willfully ignoring certain responsibilities, it just adds a whole other layer of frustration and resent me to the situation. When I make myself available to help somebody, I don't expect that they throw every wrench and trap in my way so that it makes what I'm doing harder.
As it stands, I'm managing all the finances however, I'm not on any bank accounts or listed in any way to do this so I'm constantly coming up against walls when it comes to calling agencies, businesses, and other such places to try and manage things. So many calls have ended with, "unless your father is there to verify himself and you, we can't help you". It's just exasperating and I'm so tired already 😔
It would be a good idea to read up about incontinence on the site – click on Care Topics at the top of the screen, then on I for Incontinence. It might help if he is able to read it too, partly to re-assure him that it is unfortunately a ‘normal’ part of ageing.
Not dealing with it is not a viable option, for any of you including him.
Wait until he does it again and call APS.