I feel like I am losing my mind. My father is 94, and he has been a manipulator all his life. My mom lived to comfort him, she never complained about anything and did what he wanted her to do. Then she died, and now I am taking care of my father, but I have a different personality. I show my feelings. When I have no issues, he is constantly trying to put pressure. He is in perfect shape for his age, he walks an hour every day without a walker, plays chess and reads, but as soon as he moved with me, he all the sudden can’t put a plate into a dishwasher, reheat the food or wipe the table. He is constantly managing me, telling what to do, controlling every step. I can’t leave the house without telling him an exact time when I will be back. If I am 5 minutes late, he calls and yells that I make him nervous, and of course I am doing it because I don’t care about him. The worst is when I have issues. God forbid me to be nervous about anything, it ruins his comfort, and I immediately become a bad daughter who puts his life in hell. He can tell me that I am nervous because I want him to die. If I am sick, his level of care is to ask me how I feel and whether or not I feel well enough to come downstairs for dinner that I have to cook before we eat it. If I answer that there is no dinner, he can ask what is he supposed to eat. It’s like I live with a self centered stranger who thinks that my whole life should be revolving around him and his needs. Needless to say, I am single, and by now I pretty much lost interest in anything except of work and taking care of a parent who is constantly unsatisfied. I feel depressed and useless, I have no strength to exercise anymore, and my overall health is going down. At the same time I don’t know what to do. I can’t leave him, he needs help, and I am ok providing it in reasonable amounts. I can’t hire a caregiver, I tried, he fires them after a month or two with a scandal, and since he does not speak English, by now I ran out of caregivers in the area. How do I handle the situation? I need my normal state of mind, I have to work, I want to live my own life at least sometimes and express my feelings without offending my father.
Sorry for the loss of your Mother.
What is the actual reason your Father moved in with you? Or did you move in with him?
The house we live in was purchased together, my parents payed some, I paid some, I maintained the house all this time. My mother passed away 10 years ago, and by that time I already had a separate condo where I mostly lived because it was close to work. When mom died, dad moved to my condo, it was easier to maintain, and I stayed in the house. Then dad moved back with me after a surgery, and then covid started, so it was about 3 years ago, and that was the end of my life.
I have to admit, he was not a bad dad in the old school way. He always provided for the family, mom did not work, he always helped me financially when I was at the college, I graduated debt free. Then I became pretty successful myself, and at some point started to pay back, but I guess it’s my issue. I keep paying back with my health, my time, and my emotions. I still have my little condo, but I can’t move out completely because he is an old man after all, and he needs help. I can’t kick him out or put him in the nursing home because this house is partially his, and he wants to live in it. I tried to live in the condo and visit him, but then it’s even more burden since he calls me all the time and wants me to drive in and resolve every little issue he has. I can say no, I learned, but then I have to go through an argument when I am blamed for being heartless. I am just emotionally exhausted and want to move to another country.
In addition to Beatty's questions, do you think it's your "duty" to care for your father?
Why?
And why do you care if he he's upset?
Have you considered saying "Dad, this isn't working out. You'll need to find someplace else to live by June 1, I can no longer provide space or care for you"?
Google "F.O.G.--Fear, Obligation and Guilt" and think about if that's what in play here.
You CAN'T be responsible for your dad's happiness. That's his job. The harder you try, the more he'll find fault with, so you might as well live as you wish.
I know this sounds heartless. But consider WHY you are killing yourself doing this.
He is not going to change unless he is forced into it. Your only chance is to set up some boundaries, and tell him (and mean it) that he can only live with you if he sticks to them. Start looking at AL or Senior Living, take him along, and get him to choose where he will go if you can’t put up with him any longer.
If this seems too difficult, you might be able to tolerate him on terms:
1) Put a bolt on your bedroom door and any other room that is reasonable for you to keep private.
2) Buy industrial earplugs, use them, and just don’t listen to him.
3) Ignore the fact that he doesn’t speak English, and hire caregivers who just do what needs to be done, whether he likes it or not. The tougher the better. Read some of Burnt’s posts. She was a caregiver for years, and from the sound of it she was more than able to deal with bossy blokes like dear Daddy.
4) Hire a male caregiver. The gender dynamics might change things. Remember that Dad’s money pays.
5) Develop some comments that come easily – without you getting upset or angry. Start with ‘I am not your wife’. Then ‘I am not your servant’. Then ‘You are perfectly capable of doing that yourself’.
6) Put him in respite care for a week or two. Good for you, and it might make him think again about his own best options.
Good luck!
The language barrier is going to be hard to place him. Where I live we do have Spanish speaking staff. We have a decent Indian population. Doctors who speak the language/s but I haven't come across a Nurse or aide who does. And then u probably have a cultural thing going on to.
AnnReid just posted this to another question
"If you can take a step outside of yourself and observe yourself as a mature adult, and NOT as the ‘child of parents” you will be on your way to developing a healthier perspective about hearing and responding to communications that are not relevant to YOUR LIFE nor to theirs."
Your Dad needs to realize you are an Adult who has been taking care of herself/himself for a long time. That he lives with you, not you with him. That you had a life before him moving in and you are going to continue having that life. YOU ARE NOT HIS WIFE. Remember, he needs you more than you need him. Tell him he is welcome to stay but you are not changing for him. Like him ur set in your ways. If he cannot except this, than maybe he should consider an AL with staff that speak his language.
You can say these things calmly and firmly. But it has to be firm and you have to look him in the eye when you say it. Let him be mad.
So why do I have to take care of him and sacrifice my life? I am afraid I will feel worse if I don’t do it. I will feel guilty if he falls and dies because I was not there, or something happens with the house, and he won’t know what to do.
Why do I care if he is upset? Because he is not quietly upset. If there is anything that does not work his way, he will bug me nonstop. If he wants something done, it should have been done yesterday because remember, everything is supposed to comfort him regardless of other people’s discomfort.
I am trying to understand how to stay sane in this situation. I already installed a door with a lock to separate the rooms where I live. I spend most of the time alone and talk to my father only when it’s necessary, but this life isn’t normal. If I go out, he controls me. If I don’t answer the phone, then he waits for me with a bunch of complaints. I am constantly nervous and feel trapped, and if I tell my father about it, he gets annoyed because “I have to control my nerves and be calm”.