My 87 year old mother lived at home with my soon to be 91 year old father until last March when she fell at home and broke her hip. She went to assisted living after the surgery and has been there ever since. Both of my parents are saying she is coming home as soon as she gets the Covid vaccinations.
She has never regained the ability to walk since the fall. She was also diagnosed with dementia while in assisted living. Before the fall when she lived at home she would never take her medicine as prescribed. She would "self medicate" and take whatever she thought she needed at the time. Needless to say at that time she was not well. Now since she has been in assisted living and they make sure she takes her medication at the right times, she has been much better. In my mind 24x7 care for her is absolutely necessary.
I have POA and have run the numbers - they cannot afford 24x7 at home care. They are both VERY stubborn. Has anyone been able to convince their parents that the best thing for them is to remain in assisted living to get the care they need? If so, how were you able to convince them? I am afraid I am going to lose this battle and she will come home regardless of what I say.
I have posted questions here before and received great responses. I want to thank everyone in advance for their time and consideration in responding to this post!
There's really no way to convince a stubborn elder of anything if they're set in their ways for so long. Your father might respond to numbers though. If he can be made to see that 24/7 homecare will be more expensive than AL because all of the other household bills will still have to be paid with it. He might not like the idea of someone also living in the house with them so moving to AL himself with mom might be a workable solution.
If they continue to be stubborn and refuse, then let them both know that you will not be responsible for it. Do not help them in any way to get your mom out of the AL. If you have to go so far as even refusing to pick her up, then that's what you have to do.
If he/they want to be really stubborn, make sure staff knows you are against it and see if they can lobby your dad to relent. Do NOTHING to help him move her home. Set some boundaries and say clearly what you will NOT be doing if she comes home.
Lousy situation to be in, no doubt.
Sit Dad down & ask him about it. Chat # 1: What he wants. What's his motivation?
Then run that though some common sense to see it it is possible. (I'm guessing not...).
Next, Chat # 2. This is what the REAL options are Dad.
Can he see the difference between the *wants* & the *needs*? What sort of reasoning does he have?
This will decide the direction. He will have a big cry on your shoulder & admit Mother will NEED to stay where she is OR he will stay stubbornly focused on what he & she WANT.
Then you warn him. "I don't agree so I won't be helping". Sticking to this is vital!
Add in a compromise. To keep
Mother's room open for 2 weeks - one month. He can do a trial & then reassess.
Often, some real life will break down the denial. 2 days & he'll drive her back to assisted living.. at least then he will KNOW he can't do it.
Keep us updated.
Sometimes you just have to do what has to be done as hard as it may be. Your parent / child roles are reversed now. If reasoning and diplomacy don’t work your the “decider” now.
Have you sat with your father and told him you will not/cannot condone bringing her home, and that you will not enable him to do this, that you may in fact resign as their POA and leave them to manage on their own if he feels they can do that? That would be a dreadfully difficult conversation to have to force the hand here, but I think I would consider it.
I am so sorry. I think you may have to take over here. Their funds will assist you as POA to go to get guardianship (permanent,) but if your Dad doesn't have dementia and fights you in court, he will win, and you would have to pay costs.
Hope you get some other ideas that may work. This has to be very hard.
He is forgetful, but I do not think he has dementia. If he does, it is very mild. He is just very, VERY stubborn. Doubt that he would ever challenge guardianship in court, but if he did, you are right, he would win.
What we are hearing confirms our thoughts - when we have the conversation with my dad, we are going to have to lay out all the facts regarding bringing her home - from what it will cost to what his responsibilities will be to what our responsibilities will be (we will continue to visit them and do their finances as always but nothing else).
We are also going to get a health care professional that they respect to talk to my dad and give him their independent opinion as to whether she is fit to come home. If my dad still insists, we will let it happen.
Fortunately we found out today we do have some time. First vaccination for my mom is next week. Second vaccination is 21 days after that. Then we have heard that there is a period of time that has to elapse before the vaccination is considered 96% effective. We are in the process of finding out more about that.
Again, we really sincerely appreciate the responses. We hope we can be as big of help to you sometime as you have been to us. We will post again later on this string and let folks know how things went.
Thank you!
Since you know their financial numbers, sit down with your dad and tell him that $X is what they can afford per month, $Y is what they are currently spending having them living separately and $Z is what they would need to spend if she came home. Make sure $Z is way above $X.
Do they own a home? If so, get a local realtor to give you an estimate about what it might sell for as is. Show your dad how much that money would pay for if he moved into the ALF with your mother.
With stubborn parents, you must learn to be a broken record and redirect the conversation to discussing their needs. Wanting to bring your mother home is a nonstarter - you need to be direct with your father that they cannot afford bringing her home. And be clear that because you disagree with bringing her home that you will not enable any of it and they may well end up worse off if they don't listen to reason.
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