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Is it guilt or regret ? This is a question to ask oneself that may help you redirect your thoughts and feelings. 'Guilt' is usually associated with doing something wrong. ( So ask yourself did you really do something wrong ?)
' Regret' is usually associated with reviewing decisions, actions, words etc and, pondering if perhaps something different could have or should have occurred; wishful thinking perhaps, sad about decisions. Regret is very different than guilt. So don't beat yourself up over 'guilt 'about selling the house, when your feelings probably fall more into the ' regret' that the house needed to be sold or other grief or regrets associated with the many changes that occur in life, especially aging.
Perhaps, if you still need to validate your decisions, consider speaking with a chaplain, faith leader of your choice, or a grief counselor.
Guilt is a useless feeling. If there’s no other choice to pay for her care, then you have to do it. It is simply the right thing to do. Just don’t look back or question. Get it done and move on to the next issue, because there is always another.
Thank you! I'm so glad I put my home on the market.............hoping to close in 3 weeks: I didn't want to be dependent on anyone to make decisions for me.
Thanks for reminding me to stay strong and not give up on downsizing; it is worse than sending a child off to college..............emotionally painful.
You should not feel "guilty" Unless of course you are evicting her, selling the house and taking all the money for yourself. Then you can feel guilty. If you are in the position that you have to sell moms house you are doing so because you have no other option. Other options being but not limited to: Keeping mom in her house with caregivers 24/7 You or another family member purchasing the "family home" so that it remains with family. As you can see not a lot of options that are easy or without their own problems. Just like deciding on a course of treatment, or even withholding treatment decisions are difficult. The best you can do is make the decisions based on the best interest of mom. She trusted you enough to place this burden of decision making on you if she made you POA. So...no guilt. You can feel Sad, Anger, Grief, but not guilt.
I'm in the middle of this. I'm feeling grief. But I also know it must be done. Paying the home costs plus the memory care costs is a drain on the funds my mom will need for her care. That's the hard reality of the situation. So I'm not delaying any longer now that weather is good and my health issues are resolved. It will also lessen my burden and make caring for mom easier. Look at the facts. They tell you it's the right thing to do.
I understand how you feel. My mother moved to AL 2 1/2 years ago and hated it and wanted to go home. But then she fell three weeks in, while at the AL place, had a head injury, and had to go to MC because she couldn’t take care of herself. Even though she has dementia, she still misses her home and doesn’t remember that we sold it to help pay for her care. Also, we knew she could never live there alone again and couldn’t afford in home care. She had a long term care policy that wouldn’t cover in home care. Her house sold after she was in MC and we had to clean it out, knowing that she kept thinking she would go back there someday. She mentions it occasionally now and thinks she’s in a hospital temporarily. I have so many happy memories of times spent with her in that house and it is very hard to think that we’ll never be with her there again. I think the guilt I felt was because I knew she never wanted to leave her house, even though she had reached a point where she could no longer live alone. The other emotion I’ve struggled with is grief, knowing that the life we had together as a family, as our mother and my brother and I knew it, is over. I think your feelings are very normal. It’s an ongoing process. Just remember, everything you’ve done has been from a place of love. ❤️
Guilt is self imposed. If you needed to sell it to pay for her care than it had to be done. If your Mom has Dementia, then she has no idea what you needed to do. At 73 I have found life is ever changing. Do I like the changes, no, but its what it is. We need to do what needs to be done and move on. Things never stay the same.
It's called grief instead of guilt to make this very difficult life transition. As I see it, the home must be sold to fund your mother's care in a facility.
You keep talking and purge here. These people on this site give great advice... Sift through the responses, and you will find the right answer for You.
Guilt always comes in one form or the other. It's not fun... We have to take care of our LO's so, is it the selling of mom's house, or the placement of mom that makes the guilt? For me, it was both... This was really hard for me to grasp.. it's over and I am still feeling the guilt...I keep saying the Wall of Guilt... because it goes up quickly, and hard to take down.
Please do not feel guilty.. You will get through this..
(((((Bobbie))))) These times are hard. I agree - you are feeling the losses -of your mum's health and all that follows. You have nothing to feel guilty for as you have done nothing wrong.
This is a big transition for everyone involved. It's OK to feel sad now. Life changes are often not easy.
You either buy the house yourself or, if you can't afford to do so, realize it has to be sold in order to finance your mother's care in her old age. What should "guilt" have to with a financial matter?
I'm going through the same thing right now. As others have said don't call your feelings guilt but grief. You are grieving what you have lost and will lose.
My mother's home was my home until I left at 23. It is filled with memories, stuff, and just the sense of "it's home." If the same is true for you then you are grieving a lot of things and that's ok-just don't let it keep you from doing what must be done.
I assume that you are selling the house to finance her care like many on this forum have needed to do. You are doing nothing wrong just something that can be incredibly difficult but it's for the right reasons.
The living are more important than an object even if that object has great emotional value.
Didn't have any guilt as had no choice. Mom needed the money for assisted living and she didn't seem to care or least knew she had no choice as she couldn't live in her home. Her house did sit empty for over a year and was too much for us (children) to keep up. It wasn't the house we grew up in so had no attachment. I did feel bad she didn't have much choice over her belongings...and where they went.
Not enough details, I will assume that your mother is going into a home of some sort.
I am one of those people who do not understand the usage of the word "Guilt" a self-imposed emotion that keeps one stuck, allowing the person in many cases to procrastinate and not do what needs to be done for the welfare of their LO.
To me an over used Buzz word of the 21st century.
To me, it is grief and fear that would apply. I grieved selling my father's house, but it had to be done, it was no longer doable for him to live there alone. I grieved cleaning out and selling my mother's house as well, but she needed to go into AL.
My father passed 13 years ago, my mother at age 98 is still alive and loving living in AL, wishing she would have done it 10 years before and I was afraid that she would not like it, go figure. I had no guilt as I knew it was in her best interest to sell the house and free up the funds for the AL, going on 4 years now, it was indeed the right decision.
I wish you the very best and encourage you to change your thinking grieve and move on.
Don't stay stuck, don't over think this transition in life, it is the progression of us humans living much too long.
This isn't something you did with malice. You didn't cause the problems your Mom had. You can't fix them. And you are responsible now to do the best you can for her needs. If selling the home was something that fell in that category, so be it.
Change out those G-words. "Guilt" assumes responsibility, and you aren't responsible for what your Mom is facing. GRIEF is the better word, and words do matter. You are grieving all the losses, and further saddened that you have to have a part in the losses at all.
Please allow yourself the sadness and the grief. All of this is worth grieving, and I join you in being just so sorry for all you are going through.
Can you share the reasons why you feel guilt for this? I sold my dad’s home, it was definitely emotional as there were many happy memories of good times there. It was also the next logical step to take, so I didn’t experience guilt for doing so. If the money from selling is needed to provide care for your mother, then this is you looking out for her best interests and advocating for her needs, and that’s certainly nothing to feel guilt about. There will be sadness that mom won’t live in her home again, my dad very much loved his home, but life inevitably brings changes, this we cannot prevent. I wish you peace
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
This is a question to ask oneself that may help you redirect your thoughts and feelings. 'Guilt' is usually associated with doing something wrong. ( So ask yourself did you really do something wrong ?)
' Regret' is usually associated with reviewing decisions, actions, words etc and, pondering if perhaps something different could have or should have occurred; wishful thinking perhaps, sad about decisions. Regret is very different than guilt. So don't beat yourself up over 'guilt 'about selling the house, when your feelings probably fall more into the
' regret' that the house needed to be sold or other grief or regrets associated with the many changes that occur in life, especially aging.
Perhaps, if you still need to validate your decisions, consider speaking with a chaplain, faith leader of your choice, or a grief counselor.
Practice good self care...
Thanks for reminding me to stay strong and not give up on downsizing; it is worse than sending a child off to college..............emotionally painful.
Unless of course you are evicting her, selling the house and taking all the money for yourself. Then you can feel guilty.
If you are in the position that you have to sell moms house you are doing so because you have no other option.
Other options being but not limited to:
Keeping mom in her house with caregivers 24/7
You or another family member purchasing the "family home" so that it remains with family.
As you can see not a lot of options that are easy or without their own problems.
Just like deciding on a course of treatment, or even withholding treatment decisions are difficult. The best you can do is make the decisions based on the best interest of mom. She trusted you enough to place this burden of decision making on you if she made you POA.
So...no guilt.
You can feel Sad, Anger, Grief, but not guilt.
Her house sold after she was in MC and we had to clean it out, knowing that she kept thinking she would go back there someday. She mentions it occasionally now and thinks she’s in a hospital temporarily.
I have so many happy memories of times spent with her in that house and it is very hard to think that we’ll never be with her there again. I think the guilt I felt was because I knew she never wanted to leave her house, even though she had reached a point where she could no longer live alone.
The other emotion I’ve struggled with is grief, knowing that the life we had together as a family, as our mother and my brother and I knew it, is over.
I think your feelings are very normal. It’s an ongoing process. Just remember, everything you’ve done has been from a place of love. ❤️
I guess this is called the SUPER COMBO: G&G GUILT & GRIEF... :(
it' hard to wrap around....
Condolences for your mother's house grief to transition into care.
Sift through the responses, and you will find the right answer for You.
Guilt always comes in one form or the other. It's not fun... We have to take care of our LO's so, is it the selling of mom's house, or the placement of mom that makes the guilt? For me, it was both... This was really hard for me to grasp.. it's over and I am still feeling the guilt...I keep saying the Wall of Guilt... because it goes up quickly, and hard to take down.
Please do not feel guilty.. You will get through this..
This is a big transition for everyone involved. It's OK to feel sad now. Life changes are often not easy.
Lots of good advice here.
My mother's home was my home until I left at 23. It is filled with memories, stuff, and just the sense of "it's home." If the same is true for you then you are grieving a lot of things and that's ok-just don't let it keep you from doing what must be done.
I assume that you are selling the house to finance her care like many on this forum have needed to do. You are doing nothing wrong just something that can be incredibly difficult but it's for the right reasons.
The living are more important than an object even if that object has great emotional value.
Good luck.
I am one of those people who do not understand the usage of the word "Guilt" a self-imposed emotion that keeps one stuck, allowing the person in many cases to procrastinate and not do what needs to be done for the welfare of their LO.
To me an over used Buzz word of the 21st century.
To me, it is grief and fear that would apply. I grieved selling my father's house, but it had to be done, it was no longer doable for him to live there alone. I grieved cleaning out and selling my mother's house as well, but she needed to go into AL.
My father passed 13 years ago, my mother at age 98 is still alive and loving living in AL, wishing she would have done it 10 years before and I was afraid that she would not like it, go figure. I had no guilt as I knew it was in her best interest to sell the house and free up the funds for the AL, going on 4 years now, it was indeed the right decision.
I wish you the very best and encourage you to change your thinking grieve and move on.
Don't stay stuck, don't over think this transition in life, it is the progression of us humans living much too long.
You didn't cause the problems your Mom had.
You can't fix them. And you are responsible now to do the best you can for her needs. If selling the home was something that fell in that category, so be it.
Change out those G-words. "Guilt" assumes responsibility, and you aren't responsible for what your Mom is facing. GRIEF is the better word, and words do matter. You are grieving all the losses, and further saddened that you have to have a part in the losses at all.
Please allow yourself the sadness and the grief. All of this is worth grieving, and I join you in being just so sorry for all you are going through.