My elderly aunt is quite reclusive, although she gets herself to the store and doctor appointments by herself. We try hard to include her in special outings (though she often begs off at the last moment, I'd say 90% of time). When she does agree to come, unfortunately she tends to dress like a bag lady -- we're talking not just shabby clothes, but severely ripped T-shirts (her bra often completely visible), stained (though clean) pants, and shoes that are absolutely falling apart. The problem really isn't hygiene as she keeps herself and her laundry quite clean. Nor does she seem attached to one particular "outfit." It's just that everything she chooses to wear is full of holes.
We give her new and used clothes as gifts - the sort she likes (T-shirts, jeans, etc) and also gift certificates to local clothing stores she can easily drive to - but she never wears them. My sister has stopped asking her to things because she's embarrassed to be seen with her. On at least one occasion, my aunt's entrance into an ordinary restaurant caused murmurs.
My aunt doesn't seem to notice (or care) that anything is wrong with what she chooses to wear... and consistently won't wear the things we give her... any ideas what we can do? (oh, she's also very sensitive and you never know when bringing things up will cause her to stop answering her phone for weeks...)
Your aunt's attitudes to clothes is eccentric, I grant you.
What sort of subject has proved off limits before?
Some clothing my Mom would give to me to donate I had to toss away as there were too many rips and stains. My folks were very fugal and thankfully they were as the money they saved was a lifesaver when it came to paying for senior living.
Your Aunt probably feels people are more important than what they wear. If she has a great personality then the torn clothes will be ignored by many people.
Thank goodness she's not obsessed with designer clothing and has the need to only wear $200 jeans with a $150 top. That could eventually wipe out her retirement fund.
I would just let her be.
I like to wear what I know. I do not like to wear anything the first time. After I wore it once, it is elevated to "favorite".
At some point try to go through her closet and pull out torn, stained shirts and pants. Tell her you will mend them and return them. After you leave find one of the donation boxes that turn all the unusable clothes into rags or toss them out.
She will ask about them, maybe, just tell her you have not finished mending them.
Eventually she will forget them.
My husband began to wear the same clothes each day. He would lay them out and just pick them up in the morning and after a shower (thank goodness that was never a problem) he would put on the dirty clothes. Rather than argue about it or make a big deal of it after he went to bed I would pick up the dirty clothes and replace them all with clean clothes. He never said anything about it, nor did I. It was not worth the time and energy to argue about it.
My attitude about appearance has shifted as I gain a greater appreciation of those in their 80s. I feel the most important priority for the aunt is the safety of her person, safety within her home and her personal safety as she moves about in her community. After safety, I see her dignity and self-worth as the next highest in importance. I wonder if she would be less reluctant to attend family events if the aunt knew people wanted her to attend regardless of her appearance.
The poster might remind her aunt, in the gentlest way possible, about appropriate clothing for occasions when appearance is truly important, such as medical appointments and extremely important family occasions. Otherwise, if her clothes are clean, she should consider letting her aunt be her own person.
As several posters noted, it is hard to grasp the impact of the Depression on aging persons' behaviors. Most of us cannot grasp the extent of the scarcity and the seemingly unending nature of it. The Depression era was a formative experience for many. Children worked in victory gardens, collected scrap metal and did without because it was required of them.
The poster should enjoy her aunt's company while she still has the opportunity to do so.
My father has dementia and will wear the same clothes day after day. His case is different. We need to suggest clothing and provide visual clues by laying out something to wear for the next day. Even so, he only gets it about 1/2 the time and we just let it go. He needs to be encouraged by what he CAN do, not by what he can't do.
It would be different if you were her assigned caregiver, but you are not. She has a right to dress as she pleases. You have a right to not include her if her appearance is more important to you than her presence. Try Isn'tEasy's suggestion.
My mother was sometimes a bit embarrassing in her dress. So I asked myself what was more important to me; 1) the opinion of a bunch of strangers I would never see again, who really didn't care much whether I lived or died, or 2) my mother having an enjoyable time dressed as she pleases and not having her autonomy and judgment challenged over something that in the long run really would not matter. The answer became very obvious.
Concentrate on the pleasure of her company and learn to revel in her eccentricity. She is doing no harm by living her life her way. I would visit her home to ensure it is safe. It can be cluttered and messy - a place I would never want to live - but as long as it is safe from a health standpoint it is none of my business.
Love and enjoy her for who she is. When strangers look at her funny, smile warmly at them. It will say "I know, she's an original" without being apologetic or expressing embarrassment. If you are upbeat and accepting, strangers will tend to respond in kind.
She may fuss a bit but make it a special day for her and you will learn what she does like to wear and sizes so you can get her new things that she will actually like and wear.
The problem is not me being embarrassed by her. (Maybe my sister is, but not me.) The problem, as I see it, is that she runs the risk of being treated poorly by other people when she is out and about on what errands she still does leave her apartment to go on. My aunt cherishes her independence (which is why I would never riffle through her drawers and steal her things!) but at her age, she needs to be taken seriously when she is dealing with the car repairman, the pharmacist, the doctor, the landlord. It's bad enough that old people are treated poorly; but excessively shabby clothes open her up to more disrespect and difficulty out in the world. We're not talking that her clothes are unfashionable -- they are sometimes almost falling off her body.
I am not my aunt's caretaker but I am pretty much the only concerned relative she has. I DO think this is a serious issue, and yes, a delicate one. (If she won't wear clothes we give her for Christmas, she won't want to go clothes shopping with us...and she begs off invitations 90% of the time.) It has little to do with my sense of embarrassment and much more to do with how I worry about the way people treat her when she is out by herself. I think that's a valid concern. But saying "Hey, you dress like a bag lady, get a new T-shirt" is a difficult conversation to have under any circumstances, much less with someone whose response is usually to nod her head and then retreat home and not answer her phone for a week. (My aunt is the sort of person who doesn't create a scene to start with but then stews over something you said to her and deals with it by not answering her phone or door for weeks. That is why the conversation is difficult.)
The fact that this thread has spawned such a lively reaction is an indicator, I think, of what a difficult subject this is to discuss.
So I prompt him after removing the tags and washing them.
Each season, we go through our clothes and store what is too warm to wear, for example. Some inappropriate items find their way in there, but at least they are still his.
I cringe when asking if he wants to donate some things, but this year, he agreed.
Preserving his dignity is important to me. His case is a bit different than others. But anyone can cut off tags, wash items, remind someone gently without hurting their feelings, I hope.
Other times, I just say: I am not going anywhere with you dressed like that. My bad.
You mentioned your Aunt was born in the 1940's, so was I, thus our parents were the teenagers of the Great Depression. I know my parents instilled in me to be very fugal. Thus I never was one for pricey jewelry or fancy handbags or designer blue jeans. Yet one of my best friends was always dressed like Samantha from Sex In the City.
My late Grandmother use to dress like a bag lady, except on special occasions like weddings. There's an old family story that goes way back decades, it was close to Christmas and Grandmother was out doing some shopping. She stopped in a shop that sold fur coats.....
The clerks at fur store looked at her and didn't make any contact, it was like how did this women wind up in THIS store. But a brand new clerk helped my Grandmother, and much to her surprise my Grandmother bought 5 long mink coats, one for each of her daughters. For the clerk who looked passed how my Grandmother was dressed, she earned a very nice commission :)
Food for thought.