It's just the two of us. Kids, family, friends won't come here because of him. He is dirty, smelly and has started going pantless in here (he is in pull ups). I can't get him to follow any instructions from me, so he does as he pleases. I can't force him to do things so I clean the areas behind him when soiled and hide his misdeeds. Tried him at ADC, he was noncompliant, a waste of money. He sat all day holding his bag and waiting to return (to upset me). What can I do?
You should NOT be feeling shame. And you do not have ANY control over your husband's behavior. And his behavior is pretty intolerable, IMHO.
I think it is time for you to consider placing him somewhere. This is WAY too much for you to handle on your own.
This is really not a healthy way for you to live.
You are in over your head, enabling is not the answer, it only makes everything worse.
Enlist the help of your children and family to explore your options. File for Medicaid if you need to, with their help. Ask them to accompany you on tours of facilities. Ask his doctor for help as well to determine exactly what he needs. You will be doing the best you can to help him, and yourself.
That said, your hubby now requires more help and more care than you are qualified or capable of giving him. That's okay, too......you are not alone. Most people cannot handle this disease once it progresses to a certain point, it's just TOO MUCH.
So don't look at placing him as something to feel guilty about, or something shameful, or with negativity of any kind. Look at it as a Godsend. He will finally be with others who are in the same boat, with a care staff 24/7 to see to all of his needs, and to help manage his toileting and behavioral needs. It's the right thing to do. You can visit as much as you like and still maintain a life of your own. It's a win win situation.
Best of luck