How do I handle total rejection from my mother in law who I thought really loved me.
For the past 12 years we have done nothing by dote on my mother in law and be at her beck and call. She is diabetic and has never taken care of the disease causing her to have multiple health related issues. A month before we were married she had quadruple open heart surgery. However that still didn't keep her from sitting and eating a 1/2 bag of candy and saying that she'll eat it if she feels like it and worry about it later. Or taking care of her disease properly. Well now everybody is having to worry about it later because she is on dialysis 3x's weekly, has neuropathy in both legs, has wounds on her legs, can't walk without assistance from care giver, can't bathe herself or get to the bathroom by herself. In other words needs 24/7 care and doesn't feel as though she needs to pay much for it. Feels like it's owed to her by anybody who feels bad enough for her. She has always been envious of everybody else and has alienated her siblings and most of her children because it was never the perfect time for them to visit or she faked being sick. Well now she is very sick and the medical treatments are really only buying time. I have never been the kind of daughter in law to turn my back on her and have always supported my husband with his decisions and have spent countless hours in hospital rooms and nursing homes while she recovers from various episodes caused by the diabetes. I have also spent countless hours on the computer doing research for her care with the dialysis diet and so forth and then she tossed the papers on the floor telling me it was too difficult and she wasn't going to bother trying. She hasn't prepared for the future in anyway and so there is no will or trust or life insurance to help financially for her care and even though she needs skilled nursing, is digging her heels into ever going to a nursing home. She blames all of us for the condition that she is in and takes no responsibility for her own actions as to why she is in this situation. I beleive from childhood she has been on a pedestal and thinks she's a diva. Now she has told me that the reason I am so stressed out is because I'm jealous of the relationship that she and my husband have as he is the baby of the family and should be hers alone. She has also informed me that I am not family and shouldn't concern myself with her or his dad any longer and to grow up and get over it if I think that my husband should be with me. She would love to force a wedge between my husband and me so that we divorce and she has her baby back. She's been trying to do this since we were dating. Please provide some incite as to how I should deal with this as I have always been very family oriented and have treated her more like my mother then mother in law and she has always stated that she loved me. Now I'm hearing how she truly feels. I understand that she's most likly ticked at the world and herself but instead is taking it out on me and the rest of the family.
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You are not going to be able to change MIL's behavior.
You and your husband can control your behavior. You can make your decisions and stick to them.
You cannot make her go to a nursing home, but you can decide to stop providing 24/7 care. You can set some boundaries about what you'll do and when you'll do it. You can make clear to her medical providers that you are not taking responsibility for the care she needs.
You can't stop her from being a diva but you can stop treating her like one.
The factor in all this that I worry about is your husband. Is he the mama's boy she has tried so hard to make him, or can he stand up for himself and his marriage? I guess that is the biggest question right now.
Good luck!
I wonder if the change in your MIL may indicate some dementia. People with diabetes are at elevated risk for vascular dementia. There is also some research being done about the association between diabetes and Alzheimer's. Apparently people with diabetes are at high risk of developing dementia. If your MIL's behavior changed, it may have something to do with it.
People with diabetes also have a higher risk for urinary tract infections (UTIs). UTIs can make elders act psychotic. If there is a very sudden change in behavior perhaps coupled with hallucinations and delusions, it would be good to check for a UTI.
If it is pure meanness that has been hidden for years, there is not much you can do except realize that you are better than that. In your shoes, I would just work with my husband to do what needed to be done. You can always let him know what she says without criticizing -- he may feel defensive if the two of you start throwing barbs at each other through him.
Feel free to vent and yell here. We know a lot of what you're going through. Your MIL and my mother sound like sisters, except mine isn't quite as mean. It is always safe to vent here.
I haven't talked to mom in two months. I had to do this to preserve myself. I am her scapegoat. She knows exactly what she is doing, just as your mother in law knows exactly what she is doing.
I am not advocating you cut all ties with your mother in law, just educated yourself as to what you are dealing with and how to set boundaries. I wish you well.
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