My mother passed away unexpectedly over a month ago and my siblings and I had to find care for our father, who has dementia. We found a nice memory care facility after trying other options. He is getting settled now and we are focusing on cleaning out the house as well as other tasks. My whole life changed overnight and it's been hard for me. I've always lived close to them and in the past several years, I've been a caregiver. Running errands, shopping, doing whatever they needed. I was happy to help and my world revolved around what they needed. Although my father is still alive, my role in his care is not the same. I see him often and still go shopping for whatever essentials he needs, but it's not the same without my mother and what she needed. My weekends were spent grocery shopping and running other errands for them and now it's gone. We lost our mother and are faced with losing the house we all grew up in. And we feel like we lost our father too because it's just not the same seeing him in the memory care. I miss my mother terribly and miss the stability and routine of the life I had. It's only been a month and I know it will take time but I'd appreciate any insight and advice anyone can give me. Thank you.
Even happy things take adjustment time. I remember finishing Grad School, and having sooo much trouble figuring out what in the world I should do at night, since I had had so much homework before graduation. It took my brain awhile to figure out what to do with itself!
So, now, maybe, it’s the same with you. But, kinda the complete opposite.
Maybe make a bucket list of the things you want to do in the future. Maybe pick a couple of them. Check out on-line photos. Print them out, and make a little notebook. Maybe take an on-line class about the subject. Find a podcast about it. Then, finally, go visit. Or, do the thing you’ve been learning about.
Slowly, that way, you can build new interests and meet new goals.
Best wishes.
My husband of 26 years died 7 months ago, and I was his caregiver for many years. I can honestly tell you that for the first couple of months after his death, I found myself kind of just wandering around the house, wondering what I was supposed to be doing, as I was so used to being at his beck and call 24/7. But I am slowly but surely starting to live my life again. I'm just taking baby steps, and I still take one day at a time, as I am far from being over the loss of my husband. I will grieve for him for a long time, but I've decided that I must make the most of whatever time I have left here on this earth. None of us are guaranteed tomorrow, and I know that my husband and your mom or dad would want us living our best lives possible. So give yourself some grace, take time to grieve, and then get out there and start living your life the way you want to. You may just find yourself having a good time. God bless you.
Honestly, look at it as losing a job. What will be your next job? What gives you satisfaction? What would you like to have done had you had the time before? Is there something new you'd like to learn? Ask yourself all those questions.
Of course, keep in mind that you've undergone an enormous amount of upheaval in your life in the course of just a month. Give yourself some time to catch your breath and grieve the loss of both your parents (because I know exactly how it feels to lose one parent to death and another to dementia). Let your emotions heal up a bit and allow your life to settle down before feeling like you have to jump head first into the next thing. This is a good time for some self-reflection.
When we're faced with a huge change, the best thing to do is nothing. Don't make any big decisions right now. Just 'be'. Let yourself grieve the loss of your mother, and the fact that your father is now living in Memory Care. Don't expect too much of yourself or that you have to 'do' anything in particular.
When the time feels right to move forward, you'll have to create the new you. Your new normal. The new routine you want to prevail now. You do that by putting one foot in front of the other and setting about your new goal in baby steps. Do you want a new job? Maybe you want to get into elder care, now that you have so much experience caring for your own folks? There is a dire need for it; good quality people are hard to find and if you have a knack for it, and your heart's in it, go for it! Even if you find a different career, you may want to volunteer some of your time in an elder care community just sitting and visiting with the seniors for a few hours a week. I have a friend Rita who was an engineer for 25 years. After she retired, she became an activities director in a Assisted Living center and she LOVES it!! The seniors love her too, b/c she's so much fun as a human being!
However you choose to re-create yourself, I wish you the best of luck in doing so.
and deep condolences from me.
bundle of joy
hug!!!
i’m very sorry for your loss. my deep condolences to you.
what an amazing daughter you are!!
huge hug,
i hope step by step you feel ok. i wish you/your father well.
bundle of joy
Not that I'd necessarily recommend it as a realistic option, but I now work in social care and wish I hadn't taken so long about finding a job in it. After only a month I'd say it's too soon to take any major steps, or even to feel that you ought or should or must do anything to "move on" but I suppose it's not too soon to start thinking about how you might use your time? Not to mention use everything you've learned over those years.
Meanwhile it is *fine* just to float, and fine to burst into tears in the supermarket when you reach for the peach slices in jello pots then realise you don't buy those any more.
How is your father adapting? Is he handling the change in his routine well?