How do I respond to elderly mother's guilt tactics?

How do you respond - you don't. Spent decades dealing with my mother guilting me (when she hit 80 - EVERY Christmas was her last one; or EVERY emergency room visit was 'the' one...). Don't let her use the  "she took care of me as a child and young adult so now I should take care of her". Doing something out of guilt will only backfire on you - if you do move to take care of her, you will end up resenting her, hating her for what she had you do and trust me, that is NOT a way to live and take care of someone. Heck, my mother guilted me- and when she passed away 2 years ago - I was so happy she did. Her narcisstic guilting me destroyed so much of my life, who I was, who I became. And she didn't CARE that her demands and guilts made my life miserable - it was all about her. SHE didn't want to move to AL, SHE didn't want a caretaker - it was all about her - for 20 years - years I cannot get back or do over. She is gone but the effects of her selfish narcissm still linger and affect my life today. Don't give in and end up feeling like I did/do.

Tell her that she has a care provider and that you are not ready to take that kind of responsibility. Just be honest with her. She does not have to like your decisions. Be strong and hold your ground.

aunicorn: Do not listen nor react to the guilt trips displayed by your mother.

You just have to be firm. You are 100% right and she is just being a typical needy Mom who wants to be with her family. You can't fault her for that but you can acknowledge her feelings, and continue to explain why its not feasible. Perhaps she can come to visit and you guys can just so happen to find time to explore some nice assisted places nearby where she can live. You never know - plant the seed - if she sees something nice it may bloom into a fruitful result.

Guilt is a stressful and a painful trap. You will need to take the reins. I know that is hard. Here are some things I said to my own mother years ago when she was sick and I had to work. “I love you Mom. I work full-time and can’t meet your expectations. Let’s work it out a different way. I want you to be happy.” That you love her and want her to be happy will give her and you a lot of strength and peace when you need it most. When she went into hospice care, I made the decision to take family leave. My brother and I were with Mom when she passed.

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662

I have three narcissist children and I'm so grateful that they have chosen NOT to reproduce. I spent years preparing for grandchildren (even quitting smoking, while awaiting their arrivals) and now I just hum Garth Brook's "Unanswered Prayers" when I think of them and remind myself that I won't have grandchildren subjected to such emotional abuse.

Life is harsh.

You don’t respond to it. My mom did the same “after all I did for you.” Wait - what exactly did you do for me? You decided to have children and you raised them. That is the job of a parent!! You won’t regret not taking care of her … I won’t regret not taking care of mine. We didn’t sign up to take in a (or move to) a mentally unstable and demanding elderly person during our prime years, did we?! She had her prime years … and now she wants yours too. I would not talk to her when she’s acting like that. “My caregiver is there for me,” “that’s great mom. Happy to hear it.”

Aunicorn, you have received some powerful responses to you post, so I couldn't add much in the way of 'Boundary setting" changes in dealing with your mother. Bless you, dutiful daughter, but you are the person who must change. Mother will never, ever change. Please seek out a terrific therapist to work with, who can assist you in building confidence and self-esteem, can help you build courage in adhering to strict boundaries. I am thinking it may be a Blessing that your Mother's choice was to live 3.5 hours away, as living near you (even in assisted living) would give her so much more opportunity to suck you back into the deadly emotional abuse cycle. Agree totally with the suggestions that you withdraw from POA (financial or health) and allow brother's family to keep that sole responsibility. The money your Mom is gifting to her son will impede her chances to qualify for Medicaid, were she to need it at a future time. You deserve the strong support of an excellent counselor as you redefine your role as daughter and as you build courage to hold to boundaries. Use your PTO hours for counseling, as an aid to build a meaningful, peaceful life for yourself and for your current family. I regret that I do not remember if you have a spouse and children. Build a strong, independent life for yourself, and begin to realize that your role is NOT to accept bullying, threats, deceit, or Mom's begging to have you move in with her. I would respond 'once' with a reminder to her that THAT topic is off limits. After that, were she to continue, you must terminate the call. You could really use the assistance of a wonderful therapist to build up your courage and your commitment to yourself. Bless you on your journey!

You are less likely to fall victim to your mother's guilt-tripping if you are secure about your own boundaries. You do mot need to provide justifications for why you do not want to move in with your her. You may be worried that you might appear not to be a nice person when you refuse her requests. Too bad. You know moving in with your mother would be a bad decision for you, whatever your reasons. Honor that wisdom and don't be beaten up by your mother's whining.

You can tell her you understand that she would rather have you as her caretaker than a hired person, but that it is not going to happen.

So sorry you are dealing w/this, hugs!

Guilt tripping is a long honored tactic used by individuals strong in narcissistic personalities. Such individuals want what they want when and how they want it and your needs, desires, and boundaries (if set) are irrelevant to them as this does not serve them.

There is no amount of arguing, explaining, rational discourse or compromise as such individuals want (literally need) you to get in line, to follow orders and do what they tell you to do. Using the "I raised you and now you owe me" mantra speaks volumes about their lack of maturity, responsibility AND their failure to understand as a parent one's children/adult children DO NOT OWE their parents to do what ever they demand or try to guilt you into doing. You are your own individual person in charge of your life and your decisions! She is responsible for her life, not you.

As others have said, it is time to lay down some boundaries and stick to them. Stop explaining, trying to explain/argue and just tell her I have the following things to tell you and do not interrupt me. I will tell you when I am done laying out the new rules of our engagement:
1) Speak respectfully to me; no name calling, no outbursts and no telling me how I should or will feel
2) Immediately stop using guilt to get what you want, it will not work with me
3) I am not moving in with you or to be closer to you to provide direct care to you
4) You are responsible for your own care and you have a paid caregiver; I am not directly responsible for your care And this is no longer a topic I will speak about, if you bring it up again I will end the call or leave
5) If you want to move closer to me where there is better health care, I am willing to help you find an apt or place to live but I will not be responsible for your direct care, you will need to find another paid caregiver here if you choose to move
6) Moving forward, I cannot promise to take time off from work to come to you every time there is a major health appointment, I am happy to participate in such appointments via zoom or to be on a speaker phone to hear what the doctor says but you will have to arrange for your caregiver or another where you live to accompany or take you
7) Lastly, what I have laid out for how we engage moving forward is not negotiable, it will not change and I will not discuss this further.

There after, if she starts up -- you can bet she will start in -- without anger or a raised voice; calmly say in an assertive voice, "I gave you clear input on how things will be moving forward and because you have broken one of my rules for our engagement moving forward this call (if you are on the phone) is ending, I will hang up now and I call you in about a week. [Block her phone, take no calls, then wait the full week to call. If it happens again, say it will be 2 weeks and repeat w/more and more time. She may get the message OR she may not; but a broken boundary has to have consequences.] If you are meeting in person, do the same thing; as soon as she starts in tell her your rules of engagement have been broken and you are leaving; and always be read to get up and leave if she goes off the rails.

This is very hard, but it is the only way with these types of people. They think they "own you" because they just gave birth to you; that they can push you around, demand what they want, guilt trip you or worse.

I had to do this w/my mom (long story in my profile) but after 4 months of these steps and she just increased her vitriol and verbal abuse; I decided to go no contact. We have not spoken nor have I see her in 2+ years. She is in a NH, gets needed care.

Working with a talented therapist is also very helpful (helping me) to unpack all of this. I suspect you have been groomed all your life to take this type of abuse -- and it is abuse! Now is the time to set your boundaries, and to start your recovery from this.

Best wishes and hope your recovery journey from this abuse can start soon.

Yes mom,
I agree you are now at the age you need more care and attention.
come stay at my place for the weekend.
I will arrange for us to take tours of senior living places or AL places near me, so I can visit more often.!! It’s a win/win!!
They’ll give us lunch, we can participate in activities snd I csn take you out to the park, library, museum, etc…
toull make new friends and join excercise class
This is your new plan mom, and I love it!

How does a fish not get caught?
They don't take the bait!

Don't reply to her. Stop ENABLING HER. If she knows she can get to you she will. I am not saying leave her but don't JUMP TO HER EVERY CRY. Put boundries there. If you have to put up a half wall that her antics can't get over it. If she wanted to be around you she would move plain and simple.

A parent should take care of their child but it doesn't have to be the other way around. There are other places for her to go to get the help she needs.

AND DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HER. It will be a disaster if you do you will not have any free time to yourself.

You said she has caregivers they can drive let them do their job.

How you respond to her is this Mom I have to work to get my retirement I need this when I get old so I can have someone to take care of me. Your job is your defense. If she wanted you she would move closer. Not the other way around. That is called CONTROL.

Prayers

and stop taking your PTO for her. That is YOUR PTO that YOU might need one day. Please get a therapist.

Why reply to her? As you said, it’s out of the question because you have to work for your retirement to be set.

How about responding with stone cold silence?

Here is another good resource:

https://outofthefog.website/

I’ve read through the further information you’ve kindly provided. You must realize there’s simply no winning for you in this. Mom has consistently chosen your brother and seems she always will. Meanwhile, you’re working hard, burning all your time off on her, and hearing constant complaints for your efforts. Mom isn’t changing, only you can stop the madness. Please don’t listen even one more time to guilt inducing comments, they aren’t beneficial to either of you. “We’ve discussed this already, I’ll talk to you when you’re feeling more positive” and goodbye. Make the trips only when they’re good for you, not on her demands. Tell her there will be one POA for healthcare and financial decisions and she needs to amend what she’d chosen to pick only one of you. Getting out of that when she chooses brother will be a blessing to you. I wish you the best in reclaiming your peace and wellbeing

Here's how you respond to your elderly mother's guilt tactics.

IGNORE HER.

Please remember that you didn't ask to be born. Two people (your parents) decided to get down and make a family. You did not decide that for them.

Your mother doesn't get any points for taking HER responsibility and parenting her own children. Sorry, but no one gets a prize for doing what the law requires of them when they have kids.

Bottom line. If she is unwilling to move closer to you (not IN with you) then there's no way you can be of any help to her. So all the F.O.G. (Fear-Obligation-Guilt) she is using to manipulate you into becoming her care slave has to be ignored.

Stay strong, my friend and don't let her take your life over.

My mother pulled this exact crap for a long time and still attempts at it now. She almost destroyed me with it. I stayed strong and set boundaries that I will not allow to be crossed for ANY reason.
You need to do the same.

So let's recap.

Mom either moves to a senior community in your area where you can see her more or she's on her own where she is and paid caregivers will do for her.

Make your language very plain to her about it. That either the guilt-tripping, gaslighting, and manipulation nonsense stops or your relationship with her will be over.

What I told my own mother that I will not be her caregiver. That either she drops the guilt-tripping, gaslighting, and manipulation or our relationship would be over.

I was a homecare worker for 25 years. In my long experience I find that many times everyone is better off when family does not do the caregiving for family.

Stay strong and don't let your mother manipulate you into giving up your life to caregiving slavery. Good luck.

I may tell her "Mom I think its time you called brother when you need rides. He works part-time and wife doesn't work at all. With the money you give him, your practically supporting him. So he sort of owes you. I can't keep taking time off from work. And unlike brother, I work full-time and support myself. I don't have a spouse to help me."

How old is your Mom? And what specialist does she go to. I found with my Mom, once she got stable with the specialist, I asked if we could not spread out appts to once every six months or 1x a year. Sometimes, once stable, the PCP can take over care. If problems arise, u go back to the specialist. I found Mom was seeing her PCP every 2 months. I asked why, Mom did not know. She was only on B/P and Cholesterol meds. The Nurse even questioned why we were there. I said "if he asks "So what are we here for today" I will not be making another appt unless she is sick or needs precription refills. He asked, I did not make a new appt. So what I am saying, Mom may not need to see doctors as much as she does.

I would call her Office of Aging and see what resources are available. If they have Senior bussing, she can use that. She is the one who won't move. And really, I would not want her living near me, She needs to get help where she lives.

OP, you haven’t said your mother’s age, but it sounds like she’s in reasonably good health. If so she could live until she is 95, first at home and then perhaps in care. Another 10 to 20 years? That’s enough for your brother’s family to get through even more than $75K, and at the end stop her getting Medicaid.

If you are joint POA, that can put you in a very difficult position of explaining where the money went, why you did nothing to stop it disappearing, and sorting out financial complexities you did nothing to cause. Mixed up with that are the medical complexities of what point she stopped being legally competent.

I STRONGLY recommend that you resign as POA. You are much further away than brother. That’s a good enough reason to quit. Plus she has stopped you knowing about her financial situation anyway. You wouldn’t even know if she got a reverse mortgage on her house, to keep the money trickle to brother. She’s causing you enough troubles now, don’t let a PO make the future even trickier!

My mother accused me of being selfish because I married and had kids and opted to stay in my own house instead of moving into hers. I was fortunate that she wrote a suicide note (instead of verbal threats she would later deny) before her last attempt. I called for EMS. The police came too. That’s what started the process to get her in care. (she lived in the house next door)

It was both one of the best and one of worst days of my life.

You are not responsible for her choices.
You are not the solution to her problems.
You are not alive to support and enable her.
You did not cause her to age.
You did not cause her decline in energy or abilities.
You do not have any reason to feel guilty.

So, what happens when YOU get sick and need the PTO?

The flu could knock you out for a week. What if you used up your PTO on your mother? How would you eat, with no sick time?

If you quit working now, you may not have any retirement to speak of. How will you eat with no savings?

I can’t stand the sense of entitlement. You didn’t ask to be born. You weren’t put on this earth to be her servant later.

Best reply I can think of: “Mom, I will never move to live with you.” Repeat anytime she brings it up. She can ask all she wants; answer is always NO.

So mother chooses to move 3.5 hours away and then demands you cater to her every need? Nice try mom. The nonsense ends today!

Tell her to let the Golden Boy son do it all for her, and to lay the ridiculous guilt trips on the one who does the money grubbing! And tell her to please transfer POA to him bc you are resigning your post.

You have no more PTO to help her out, "unfortunately", so what's YOUR plan mom? And what's your plan for the future since I will NOT ever be moving in with you?

Hang up the phone the next time the guilt tripping starts, and tell her why you're hanging up. Do it every single time without fail.

You deserve to be treated with the same respect sonny boy is being treated with. Demand it.

NO is a complete sentence.
Next time she has a medical appointment tell her, "Mom, sorry I can't take you next week, I have an important meeting."
The next time something comes up you say "Sorry mom I have run out of PTO this year." or "I am planning a get away next year and I am saving my PTO for my vacation"
And you could mention this..."Mom if you would arrange your appointments on a Saturday I would not have to take time off work."
If you are doing other things to help her that take away time from your job, your family your priority should be you and your family.

Guilt infers responsibility.
You didn't cause any of this.
Therefore, you aren't RESPONSIBLE for any of this.
Therefore guilt is off the table.
Change out the word for "grief". You are grieving that your Mom is unhappy (and likely always was). You are grieving that Mom refuses to ease thing for BOTH herself and for you. You are grieving that Mom is unhappy and experiencing losses and has so many limitations that she chooses (as per usual) not to own her decisions but to blame others.

As to what you say to Mom herself, try to meet her (likely lifelong) criticisms with humor, because they aren't going to change. For instance:
MOM: "You will regret it when I am gone and you have to live with never caring about me enough to come take care of me in my last time on earth"
YOU: "I sure WILL, Mom. But I have such a long list of things I am sorry for I can't know where it will fall on the list".

MOM: "You better get a PTO off because I NEED you to come and do this or that".
YOU: "Sorry, Mom. My boss is as unhappy with ME as you are. Gotta keep him/her happy because I gotta eat".

MOM: "I wish I had a daughter who cared enough to take care of me"
YOU: "I wish I had a Mom who lived next door to me so I could see her sweet, smiling face every single moment!"

There's a way. She's who she is. She has her limitations. She has trained you up to serve. You are still attempting to do it. I am VERY THANKFUL that this woman lives so far from you as she does, to tell the truth. Because her slave-whip can't reach you as easily. Were she with you you would truly be in the eye of one awful storm.

Don't worry. Mom's isn't happy. That's her norm. She's comfortable there. If you need help for yourself get a good and understanding therapist. But STICK TO YOUR GUNS.

"My brother has no contact with her now except when he needs money because of her mental tactics. He ironically has a wife who is just like his mother and controls him. He never helps with her caregiving."

Why does your brother need money from her? Is she gifting him money that could someday affect her Medicaid eligibility?

Why should you take PTO for 2 days each time when your mother needs to see a specialist? Just as brother refuses to help, so can you!

Are you her POA/HCPOA? What is her financial situation?

AU, the next time mom threatens suicide, call 911 and have her put on an involuntary psychiatric hold.

Suicidal threats should be taken seriously. If mom is trying to manipulate you through threats, taking serious action might show her that it's not a tactic that's going to work.

You all are awesome! Thank you so much for such great responses. It has helped my perspective on the guilt. On a side note, another guilt trip thing...My mom told me she would commit suicide if I put her in an assisted living facility.