I’m and only child and I don’t have cousins. I also have an elderly mom and aunt who need assistance. My mom accepts when I say “no”- which is not very often. But, I feel so guilty. I love them both but I work full time as a teacher and I just need a break from them.
Also, they live an hour away from me. I’ve been there almost daily for dinner prep. It runs me about $15- a trip. About $80-90 dollars a week. I don’t NEED the money, but it sure would be nice to have it offered. Is it even worth asking them? Curious to hear people’s responses.
I cannot wrap my brain around that!
I'd be totally burned out in a week--if I lasted that long.
If the 'guilt' is eating you up, then just run out there on Saturday or Sunday and prep and freeze a week's worth of meals. Keep the pantry stocked with quick cannned soups and such--even set up grocery delivery for them, you don't even need to be there!!
I'd also encourage weekly aides to do whatever jobs they need done, but can't.
Your kids need you. Mom & Auntie are GROWNUPS and while they do need help...they don't need you to hold their hands every. single. day.
Tell them you have your hands full with teaching and your twins.
Do they live together?
Even if you didn't have a full-time job being asked to drive an hour each way nearly every day to do meal prep is ridiculous. Your mother and aunt need to be made aware of this.
What would solve everyone's problems here is if the got some home/health aides. That's who helps with meal prep, housekeeping, rides to appointments, errands, hygiene care, etc... Medicare even covers a few hours a week most of the time, and it sounds like a few hours a week is all they really need right now.
Hire some in-home caregiving for this and you visit once a week on a week-end like you should be doing.
My mom lived an hour away from me. I went twice a week, and it was exhausting. I arranged for her to have good care - part time help with household chores and meal prep to begin with, and 24-7 caregivers as she became more dependent. I was comfortable knowing that she was being well cared for. There were even times that I didn't go for a week or two if I took vacations or was sick or in covid-quarantine.
If the cost of someone coming in daily is prohibitive, try cooking meals to freeze for them to warm up. We used to visit my mother-in-law once a month before she had in-home care, and I would cook a big dinner, then freeze single-serving portions for her. She forgot that I had cooked, but she would find the food in the freezer and figure that if it was there, she could eat it.
Now you are doing dinner duty, but you must surely see that things are going to get progressively more difficult. Asking for travel money might shock them into realising just how far it is! If you want to say that you don’t really need the money, you could make it more ‘real’ by saying that you will save it for a treat for your twins, to make up for the way they are helping at home when you are away so much of the time!
But more important is to think ahead for how to deal with the future as well as the present. You are coping (just) now, so don’t wait until the inevitable crisis when you will have no time to plan.
There are no examples, so what kind of things do you have to say no to? Staying later? Coming more often? Taking her/them someplace? Perhaps find another word or words to replace no, such as 'I can't today/now, maybe another time'.
IF you can ever broach the subject regarding gas money, be sure to have receipts of some kind and maybe have it written up as a check so you can print the image and attach the gas receipt. This is only necessary for Medicaid, to prove you are receiving a "gift" (80-90/wk would be between 4-5000/yr.) Alternative is to have a "contract" drawn up, but make it legal, so it's documented.
The wear and tear on you is going to build up. Working a job, raising twins, maintaining your own home AND traveling 2 hrs every day, plus time to prepare meals is going to take a toll. Others suggested they move closer or have a care-giver who can prepare meals for them most days, but you can still go a couple times/week. We all need "down" time to regroup. At the rate you're going, you're going to burn out!
I wouldn't worry about charging for any care you provide, at least not at this stage. If you do, it should be done with a legal agreement written up which states what activities you perform and when/how often, and what you get paid for each duty. This is primarily for Medicaid, should either need it. Note also: If you get paid to provide care, you have to claim it on your taxes (NOT any reimbursements, like for the gas.)
But, you are already over-extending yourself, please don't add care-giving to this Wonder Woman list of duties!!!
This:
"...to prove you are receiving a "gift"..."
should read:
"to prove you AREN'T receiving a "gift"..."
Travel, gas, meal, if you do nay caregiving they should pay you for that as well. It is not a matter of you needing the money or not. What it will come to is if they ever have to apply for Medicaid or any other assistance there is "proof" that they have required help and they have been paying for help. And any money given to you would not be looked upon as a "gift"
Look up what the IRS is allowing for travel reimbursement and charge that, charge them for gas and charge them for the time it takes you to bring them to any appointment or do any shopping.