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Politely ask him to change the subject - if he will not and you are on the phone "I love you, dad, got to go, bye" or if you are in person "sorry, I have to go now - love you, dad" and hopefully eventually he'll get the message. I've had to do this with my mom - other issues - her yelling at me and trying to manipulate. It has worked - with me being firm and consistent. She behaves because she knows that if she does not - I will leave.
Have you tried telling him you find his preaching offensive or irritating? Honesty is tough to say, but a few moments of discomfort can save hours or days of irritation. He may not be aware of how often he preaches.
Start there. I hope for your sake he learns from your honesty. If not, then, like Kimber wrote, ring off letting him know you won't listen to it (to reinforce you won't put up with it). If he's in the room, then repeat that you don't want to hear it then leave.
You mention that you are caring for you mother. Is your father living with you as well? (Or you living with them..same thing) If your father is aware of what he is doing, saying you can try to tell him to discontinue the conversation. You can leave the room. (as long as the person you are caring for is safe for you to do so) You can put on headphones or earbuds. If he also has dementia there is not much you can say to him that will change his behavior ..YOU have to change your expectations. Realize he will not stop his preaching. He will probably preach to anyone that comes into the house. All you can do is ignore and do not respond to what he is saying. (I know easier said than done..but you will never win an argument with a person with dementia)
If this is a "new" side to him did this start after your mother's diagnosis? If so he might be trying to find peace in the preaching, he may feel that if he does this it will help his wife be "cured". And if this is new and he has not been diagnosed with dementia it might be a decline he is showing and you might want to discuss it with his doctor.
No my mother is dead. She died this year in January and my father is alone. He is grieving her loss terribly and has been going downhill. But he can still drive and do his own shopping. We get on ok but yes I need to set boundaries. It's just that I feel sorry for him and as my sister and brother rarely see him through selfishness and intolerance, I'm the only one who listens to him. But I get extremely drained and depressed by his negativity and misery.
I agree with comments below advising to 1) change the subject suddenly and without explanation (but do be cheery about it); 2) just walk away if leaving them alone in room is safe; 3) stay put and ignore it-no eye contact.
I'm not sure they will "get" the earbuds thing unless your headphones are really large and obvious he may just persist and talk louder. At his age and with possible mild dementia, not sure if he is capable of any permanent behavior change so patience, mercy and tempered expectations will help you a lot.
The question really is does he have Dementia. If so trying to stop him is a lost cause. They get on something and won't let go.
If Dementia is not the problem, then your going to have to tell him that his preaching is turning u off not on. Tell him that he can believe as he wishes, u are now an adult and choose to believe as u wish. Constantly preaching at you is just irritating. Even ministers take a break. Religious minded people have been taught to "preach the word". I found in my younger days this just irritated me and turned me off. Now, I understand why people do it. Helps a little but I still don't appreciate being preached at.
He hasn't been diagnosed with dementia or Alzheimer's but his memory is significantly worse and his cognitive impairment is gradually is becoming more evident. I've worked in Aged Care for the better half of my adult life. It's very sad when it's a loved one. My sister is too selfish to understand and my brother keeps his distance which is another conversation. My Dad says things which cannot me, not only religious things but critical things, which come across as insensitive observations now that I'm married and no longer living with him.
If he has dementia you don't. You cannot control a disease. A disease has no interest in your opinions or limits. If he is not demented, you leave when the preaching starts.
Grandma1954 made a comment similar to what I'm thinking. Perhaps he's preaching b/c it comforts him, i.e., he's giving voice to his own concerns, trying to reassure himself.
Think about what your family has gone through in the last years and ask yourself if he's become more anxious or concerned, more worried, perhaps insecure. If so, he might really be preaching to himself, trying to comfort himself b/c of the changes in his life.
Yes I have considered this possibility. He constantly worries about his sins and going to confession has become a manic obsession with him. He has become extremely mysogonistic in the last few years but probably always was, now he's more vitriolic about it. I can only assume that somewhere in his childhood that his mother paved the way in her disciplinary methods, therefore resulting in his anti women dogma.
Preaching is really the same matter as any other subject our loved ones get stuck on. My mother will literally repeat her story, whatever it is, over and over and OVER again until I feel like I've jumped down the rabbit hole. Literally. And it's not just dementia related, as she'd do that even in her younger days before she was officially diagnosed with dementia. Nowadays it's just WORSE, that's all. I think the only answer is to either end the visit or the phone call, assuming you two do not live together (fingers crossed that you do not). If you live together, perhaps leave the room? I used to live with my grandmother when I was a child. She had a friend who'd come over & start the preaching immediately, about how I was 'going to hell for being bad' and all the assorted nonsense that goes along with that line of talk. I really HATED it a LOT and would vamoose out of her sight as soon as she got rolling. The boundary you need to set is this: once the holy rolling gets started, I'm rolling on OUT of here. The end. Assuming he does not have dementia, since you are not into that line of talk, you need to leave his presence if he doesn't stop after you've asked him to, especially if you can't distract him onto another subject. If he does have dementia, stay until you can't take it anymore and THEN leave. I mean, what else can can be done? Best of luck!!
Thanks for all your helpful advice. Thankfully he doesn't live with us just yet, and yes it is exceedingly irritating and draining. I believe in God and go to church but I'm an adult and don't need to be hammered to death with his religious fanaticism. It's basically turning me off going at all. My brother just cuts him off and my sister sees him as little as possible.
Yet? If you are having these issues now, living with you would be a disaster. Why not look into some homes affiliated with a local church, there are many around, he can then preach to the choir.
I hope you don't mind my saying: you cud give dad a 'taste of his own medicine'... by preaching back 2 him! Try asking him to just 'pray for you' & tell him he has to trust God to do the rest. Meanwhile, you pray persistently that he will stop preaching to you, & he certainly will dear lady.
There are bits of the Bible that are beautiful prose and great sentiments. I read them happily to my nursing home people, even though I am not religious. Perhaps you could learn a bit and recite it to him. He might shut up and listen. The sermon on the mount (Matthew about chapter 5) could be a good start - I found that I agreed with all of it except on divorce, and then realised that in those days divorcing a wife usually condemned her to destitution or prostitution. Reciting yourself would probably stop you being so irritated by being forced to listen to him raving on.
This is about control, he will shove it down your throat until he believes that your thinking is exactly like his, there will be no freedom of choice.
My second husbands father was a southern Baptist preacher. So we visited him, we had breakfast, we pray, thanking god in detail for every happening in his life, lunch again, dinner, repeat, So three days later I have had enough, he is saying his 5 minute thank you prayer for lunch, I do not bow to the prayer, I just sit there, quietly, after he gets done, he asks me why I did not participate, I told him that I had thanked the lord for all my meals at breakfast this morning, God can hear me give thanks all at one time, for the entire day, I don't need to waste my time or God's by repeating myself over and over again.
Well, that went over like a lead balloon, long story short, due to many reasons, all involving his constantly trying to convert me from a Catholic to a Baptist, I stopped going there, my husband went by himself.
You've written about your father before. And, despite all that was posted previously cautioning you to NOT let him live with you, you are still planning on it?
Because he is my father not yours. The world is full of selfish people like you and my sister. Whatever problems that I have with him I will deal with them, but I can still talk.about them on this forum as other people who vent on here do. They too are probably are in a position where they are in a quandary as to what choices need to be made with an elderly parent. My father isn't demanding that he comes live us anyway as he doesn't want to impose on my husband and me. Is this how you've offered advice to other people with similar issues?
My brother does this, preach, preach, preach some more. I feel for you. I find it extremely irritating when he does it to me.
I don’t think they will stop though, no matter how much we plead. I have learned to ignore or just agree even if I don’t agree with him. Gets me off the hook from hearing more preaching. When any topic is excessive it’s too much.
He must miss preaching. Can he volunteer somewhere that he could ‘spread the word’? Do you think that would help? Or even be a visiting, guest preacher in churches?
I was thinking that. If I missed it, I’m sorry, but does he know a like-minded minister nearby who can talk to him and maybe gently redirect your father’s discourse away from you? My mom was religious, but she wasn’t overboard about it. She was mostly guilty about her own behavior, though she didn’t have much of anything to be guilty about, imo. Maybe dad thinks he is obligated to do this, despite the fact that it really gets on your last nerve. I wish I had better advice for you. I admire your willingness to take your dad in.
It’s good to remember that we all feel different things at different times (I could cheerfully have murdered my lovely husband the other day), and we all get cross and want to vent. Cheer up!
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Have you tried telling him you find his preaching offensive or irritating? Honesty is tough to say, but a few moments of discomfort can save hours or days of irritation. He may not be aware of how often he preaches.
Start there. I hope for your sake he learns from your honesty. If not, then, like Kimber wrote, ring off letting him know you won't listen to it (to reinforce you won't put up with it). If he's in the room, then repeat that you don't want to hear it then leave.
If your father is aware of what he is doing, saying you can try to tell him to discontinue the conversation.
You can leave the room. (as long as the person you are caring for is safe for you to do so)
You can put on headphones or earbuds.
If he also has dementia there is not much you can say to him that will change his behavior ..YOU have to change your expectations. Realize he will not stop his preaching. He will probably preach to anyone that comes into the house. All you can do is ignore and do not respond to what he is saying. (I know easier said than done..but you will never win an argument with a person with dementia)
If this is a "new" side to him did this start after your mother's diagnosis? If so he might be trying to find peace in the preaching, he may feel that if he does this it will help his wife be "cured". And if this is new and he has not been diagnosed with dementia it might be a decline he is showing and you might want to discuss it with his doctor.
I'm not sure they will "get" the earbuds thing unless your headphones are really large and obvious he may just persist and talk louder. At his age and with possible mild dementia, not sure if he is capable of any permanent behavior change so patience, mercy and tempered expectations will help you a lot.
If Dementia is not the problem, then your going to have to tell him that his preaching is turning u off not on. Tell him that he can believe as he wishes, u are now an adult and choose to believe as u wish. Constantly preaching at you is just irritating. Even ministers take a break. Religious minded people have been taught to "preach the word". I found in my younger days this just irritated me and turned me off. Now, I understand why people do it. Helps a little but I still don't appreciate being preached at.
My Dad says things which cannot me, not only religious things but critical things, which come across as insensitive observations now that I'm married and no longer living with him.
If he is not demented, you leave when the preaching starts.
Think about what your family has gone through in the last years and ask yourself if he's become more anxious or concerned, more worried, perhaps insecure. If so, he might really be preaching to himself, trying to comfort himself b/c of the changes in his life.
Best of luck!!
My second husbands father was a southern Baptist preacher. So we visited him, we had breakfast, we pray, thanking god in detail for every happening in his life, lunch again, dinner, repeat, So three days later I have had enough, he is saying his 5 minute thank you prayer for lunch, I do not bow to the prayer, I just sit there, quietly, after he gets done, he asks me why I did not participate, I told him that I had thanked the lord for all my meals at breakfast this morning, God can hear me give thanks all at one time, for the entire day, I don't need to waste my time or God's by repeating myself over and over again.
Well, that went over like a lead balloon, long story short, due to many reasons, all involving his constantly trying to convert me from a Catholic to a Baptist, I stopped going there, my husband went by himself.
WHY????
My father isn't demanding that he comes live us anyway as he doesn't want to impose on my husband and me.
Is this how you've offered advice to other people with similar issues?
I don’t think they will stop though, no matter how much we plead. I have learned to ignore or just agree even if I don’t agree with him. Gets me off the hook from hearing more preaching. When any topic is excessive it’s too much.
He must miss preaching. Can he volunteer somewhere that he could ‘spread the word’? Do you think that would help? Or even be a visiting, guest preacher in churches?
You posted these statements previously:
"He is stubborn and very set in his ways and I'm afraid my marriage will end."
and
"Our father is still alive and lately I have been wishing he would die. "
Others have already advised you NOT to let him live with you. But I guess you are willing to sacrifice your marriage to the altar of elder caregiving.
And it is quite concerning that you are already wishing your father would die, and he hasn't even come to live with you yet.