How do I stop mom’s politically incorrect mouth?

I read your profile

"Currently fighting my sister for POA where Mom wants to live with me but sister has put her in a home in her province where we all started. I think Mom should be able to live where she wants to."

So you now see why Mom was placed in a home by your sister. So Mom moving in is fairly new? I don't think I agree with Burnt on the way to tell Mom off but I do think she needs to be put in her place.

"Mom, you living here is not working. Unless you can change the way you talk to me and my kids, you will need to go back to the home. I cannot tolerate the criticism you constantly give. Its hurtful and degrading and I WILL NOT continue to put up with it. My kids need a loving grandmother and right now you are not it. This is my home, my rules and if you want to continue to live here you will show me and my children some respect. If you can't, then you must leave. Because my children's welfare trumps you as my mother"

In the meantime, look up the "gray rock" method. This is a good time for your kids to learn how to deal with personalities like this. You ignore them. You walk away. You never allow them to see they have hurt you. You do not engage them. And you tell your kids that she is a mean, sad, old lady. That people that treat people like this have a personality flaw. They don't care that they hurt people and its really sad that they think its OK. That they (ur children)are better people than that. Teach them the tools they need now to live in this world. There is nothing wrong with being a good/nice person. But, if those good/nice people don't learn to stick up for themselves, people will try and take advantage. I have a SIL who is a B***h and from what I have been told has been from day one of marrying my BIL. She does not care that she hurts someone's feelings. She thinks she in entitled to do and say what she wants. Me, I choose to stay away. I can tolerate her for about 2 days. I don't like confrontation so I choose to ignore her. I am lucky we live 12 hrs away.

Was your Mom always like this or is this something new? If new it could be Dementia. They lose their filter and say whatever flits thru their minds. It would not hurt for Mom to get a good physical with Labs. A PCP can give her a basic Dementia test. If Dr feels she may have Dementia, then you take her to a Neurologist to find out what type so she gets the proper medication. Even if he says she passed the test but you think differently, see a Neurologist. She could have had a stroke.

Stick by your guns, if she doesn't straighten up, then she goes back to the home.

So Grateful. How long has mom lived with your family?
From reading your bio it appears mom was in a facility near your sister and you brought her to live with you? Were you and sister able to work through your differences?
Might it be time for mom to go for a visit with Sis to give your family some respite? You said you thought mom should live where she wanted to. Perhaps sister was a bit more in tune with moms behavior and can appreciate what you are going through.

There is a book called Boundaries often recommended here by Cloud and Townsend.

You mentioned that mom’s doctor thinks she is competent. She needs to be formally tested by a neurologist if she has only been seen by a 15 min GP.
(edit, I see that you have responded now and you also think she is competent)

If she is competent then you should speak very clearly to her about your expectations. Either way, a family meeting might be appropriate to decide if you and your children want to continue to live with her. Let her know that she is making life difficult for all of you and you will need to rethink the living arrangements.

Of course if she does have dementia, you would be wasting your breath.

It might be a good idea to see a therapist to help you sort things out. It is not easy to bring someone new into a household, regardless of their health and personality.
Maybe give yourself some goals and deadlines and a routine checklist to see if things are better in a few weeks.

One more thought, check out Teepa Snow videos. She teaches some great ways to communicate that helps move a person off an unwanted topic.

Grateful1too, it is very difficult to change someone's opinion if they feel strongly about it.

My era was the breaking of the glass ceiling, my mother's era was the opposite. It was so much easier to just bite my tongue then get into a debate over such matters. One example, Mom always had male doctors because she believe they were much smarter than doctors who were women.

If Mom saw a new woman TV anchor giving the news, she would say "that woman should be home having babies". My Mom loved watching sports, and she had her favorite teams. She knew the background of her favorite players, their rating, if they were married, and if they had children. I still remember when Mom saw her first woman sports announcer, my Mom promptly said "what does she know about sports?".

Sometimes I felt like I was growing up around a female Archie Bunker. My Dad wouldn't say anything, he knew it was best to stay quiet. His views were more modern.

I loved Mom dearly, and I learned how to present myself around others who had the same views of their era, and views during the past half century . And to listen to both sides of story. Then I do my own research :)

You say that these are ADULT kids. I cannot then imagine them "shriveling a bit" over this. You have raised them right, and then there is also the fact that your kids, as adults, are who they are. They will make their judgements for their own lives.

There is no need of argument with Mom. Everyone understands that she is who she is. And it should be met with a shrug of the shoulders and the words "She is who she is but we love her".

I don't see this as a deal breaker. But if you yourself are having a hard time living with Mom (for really, the adult kids will soon be flying the nest) then you should consider placement for her and getting on with your own life.

I sure wish you luck.

”Uncle Shamus” was the only “grandpa” my children ever knew. He adored my children from birth, and they adored him right back.

When they became old enough to realize that some of his comments were totally unacceptable to us, and to them too, we told them the truth- you can love someone very dearly but at the same time totally disagree with some of the things they say.

We reinforced this every time we saw Uncle Shamus.

We believe my children learned that human beings can be badly flawed and we can still love and respect their better natures, along with ignoring, and definitely NEVER ADOPTING, their terrible ones.

Worked in our family.

My mother made similar comments to both strangers and family members. She was particularly harsh to my teen daughter and constantly said things about her weight. I stood up to my mother because it was destroying my daughter's self-esteem. These types of comments will always impact others, even if you try to dismiss them or allow them because you are afraid to stand up to your mother. You are teaching your kids that these comments are acceptable, especially as you aren't prepared to say anything to your mother.

You are the only one who can resolve this, you need to tell her these comments are unacceptable and allow your kids to do the same. If her comments are just opinions you don't agree with, you still need to empower yourself and your kids to discuss these opinions and not just "shrivel" because everyone is afraid to speak up. It doesn't make for a healthy living environment if only one person can speak their mind.

If mom is cognizant and she is fully aware of what she is doing and saying your response can be:
"Mom while you are living in this house you need to be kind, courteous to others living in this house. If you can not do that then you are going to have to find some other place to live. We can tour AL facilities next week."
"Mom while you are living here if you can not say anything nice I will ask you to leave the room"

If mom continues then you need to carry on with the plan to move her to AL.
If mom continues then when you all go out as a family mom can stay at home. (as long as it is safe for her to be alone, if not she pays for a caregiver that will come in while you are away.)

Tough to do...Yes.
You set the same "rules" that you probably had when you were a child living in her home. Remember the phrase "MY HOUSE, MY RULES"

Learn the following responses.

'Shut the hell up. Nobody cares what you think'.

'This is my house and you are here because I allow you to be. I will not tolerate (whatever offensive topic she's on) here. If you can't respect that, you will be leaving'.

'No one asked for your opinion so don't give it again until someone does. Which will not be any time soon'.

You might do well to teach these responses to your kids too.
There's one sure way to shut her offensive speech without throwing her out of your home.
Have a man tell her knock it off. The elderly generation male and female alike with the generational women hate (even the women hate other women) quiets down their unsolicited opinions real quick when a man tells them off.
Have your man tell her off and do it in front of you and the kids. This will shut her mouth up, guaranteed.

If mom is affecting your children in a negative way then mom needs to find a new place to live.

Sorry but your kids well being comes before mom. Things can have ripple effects on kids that we may not even realize are happening. You say your kids are shriviling a bit from moms personality and what she says. Imagine another 5 or 10 years of them listening to mom.

Think about the negative things about your home life with mom when you were a child. How she made you feel and then think about your kids. They shouldn't be sacrificed because you feel obligated to take care of mom.

Really? How can you "stop" anyone's politically incorrect mouth?

If you feel as if your children can't be exposed to her, then really your only choice is to move her out. But I have to say, having raised 2 children into young adults myself, it's not necessarily a bad thing for your children to be exposed to persons with differing viewpoints, as horrible as you find those viewpoints to be. Your children are going to have to deal with people such as your mom in their lives, and instead of trying to figure out a way to shut mom up - thereby "protecting" your kids from her views - you might turn this into a "teachable moment" for the kids.

Explain to your kids that they are not defined by other people's opinions and should not feel quantified by other people's opinions of them. That it is ok to disagree with someone's beliefs while still loving that person and being respectful of them. That if you truly embrace the constitutional belief of free speech, that means defending ALL free speech, even if you find that speech disgraceful. These are valuable life lessons for anyone of any age.

As far as your kids "shriveling" - if you haven't already, you might want to ask THEM why this is. Their answers might surprise you. It could be they feel stifled having grandma in the house, regardless of her opinions. It also might have NOTHING to do with your mom.

Does she have any medical reason for her behavior - dementia or ALZ? If so, unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it but redirect her or distract her when she does it. If she does, you may have to reconsider her living with you for the long term because the behaviors and the issues will only get worse.

If not, there are a couple of approaches. You are not likely to change her. You can try of course - even though we know it does no good, when my (raging narcissist) FIL makes his comments - we always call him on it. At least the most egregious. It's hard to ignore. He has chosen targets, so we have removed them. None of the grandchildren are around him without us. - they are all young adults. They have chosen to avoid him. Even when my nephew lived there, he stayed in his room or in any room where FIL was NOT. FIL lost the privilege of having time with his grandchildren. I don't know if that resonates with him, but I know he is embarrassed when people ask him about them and he has nothing to tell them - we hear him make things up. (for example, apparently my oldest is at school to be a sniper? I can assure you, she is NOT)

Does she only make comments to your kids? Or do her comments extend to unacceptable things in public? If I were you - I would sit your kids down and talk to them, give them complete permission to deal with it on their terms. Allow them the autonomy to avoid her if they choose. Allow them them the right to tell her that they don't appreciate it. Talk through options with them.

And if she does it in front of you - I guess as I've aged - my own filter has just broken - or my tolerance has - because when my FIL says things I just can't stop myself. I call him on things. He is a racist, sexist, homophobic, politically extreme, chauvinist, (add any other ist) and he will say whatever pops into his head. And we constantly tell him him that he can't say certain things and that he is wrong in private.

But in public - we let nature take it's course. He is almost 90. He is "competent" per the doctors. He is just narcissistic and has no filter and is always right. So he thinks everyone agrees with him. But after a certain age - when you make off-the- wall, unacceptable comments in public - people make certain assumptions about you. They assume that a person with mental capacity would know better than to make such comments and that the person MUST be mentally incompetent. So we just let them believe that. It makes things easier. We will apologize sadly and shake our heads and people will smile encouragingly and whisper that they understand, their (fill in the blank) has dementia/ALZ and they get it. Then they treat him like he is a lost child that is looking for their mother instead of an adult and it instantly deflates him and he stops talking because he doesn't understand what happened.

If telling her that she can't talk that way isn't working, and she is mentally competent, you have to weigh if you want to continue to have her in your home. If it is worth it to you. She is not going to change. How you deal with her is all that can change. We used to jump all over FIL when he said things in public and people thought WE were overreacting to an addled old man who couldn't control himself. So we changed our approach and went with public opinion. It works to our advantage. If she is competent, is there something that will stop her in her tracks? Something that you can do to turn it around on her or that your kids can say to stop the conversation when it starts? Or is it better to just walk away entirely and not engage.

I know it is hard for your kids. And you do need boundaries. Are those boundaries the door to your home? Are they making your kids off-limits? They are adults now - they can set their own boundaries too.

Good luck! The solution is different for everyone. But my mama bear comes out when someone messes with my kids. Even if it is their grandparent.

Misogynistic? Prejudice against women? Or is she just a big mouth that is not at all quiet about what she thinks of people? They are too fat? Too tall? Ugly clothing? Too short? Too thin?

Does mom have dementa? What you are saying about her is a common trait among those with dementia. They completely lose their filters and are often rude and outspoken when around other people. My mom did that too.

You cannot explain to dementia. The only solution, that did not always work, was to distract, redirect and steer the conversation in another direction. Isn't that car color pretty? Don't you like the picture on the wall? Etc......

My MIL was the same way. She had no filter and never held back what she thought about people that were not like her people. I’d cringe, especially at one Christmas when I invited my liberal Jewish friend for Christmas dinner and I could have shriveled up and died right there on the spot over what she said. I was so embarrassed. But I realized it was no reflection on me. In the future I just ignored her bilge.

Happily she never lived with me. Advice, limit her viewing of the news channels. They are toxic and add fuel to her fire. Explain to your kids that your mother lived her life in a different time and she will not change. Tell your kids to respectfully stand up for themselves.

if there is too much friction then she cannot live with your family any longer find a facility.