How do I stop my soon-to-be 94-year-old widowed dad from controlling me in my home that we share?

She never came to house to meet my mom until thirteen years into the marriage. She suspected red flags when my brother intended to marry her. Her being previously married with a child and all. We never went to wedding mom and I. Dad attended and visited them every single Saturday while he did errands in the area. My Mom reached out to my brother continually and finally convinced him to bring wife over to meet us. Likewise we were then invited there. Brother realized as he got older how mom felt and I always was kind to my sister in law lavishing her with gifts at Christmas and also my brother. After mom passed we spent Thanksgiving dinner and Christmas dinner there. I never showed resentment to her in any way andwe also celebrated my 60th birthday per my wishes at a Hawaiian venue show and dinner with brother and her.

I think Dad shows a lot of personal guilt with what happened to their marriage and foregoing mom’s warning. I remember him telling mom that he would stop the marriage if my brother decided to marry but of course he never did. Dad was never the strong disciplinary compass in the family like Mom was even though my Dad is a very modest man - that’s why mom married him. His skills in parenting were lacking due to his family coming from the old country I guess. Now brother and I are closer than ever and he is comfortable telling me how he had endured throughout these years but especially how his wife changed when she quit her job. He attends divorce support group. Keeps up his ice fishing hobby on weekends with friends from divorce support and has met a lovely lady at work who he did some tree work for. She is divorced likewise from a bad situation and the both of them really enjoy each other’s company. She has rented out her in law apartment to him and she says he can stay there until divorce is over and he can get back in his house after he buys his wife out. He never moved out entirely and the judge knows that. He just can’t stay there as his wife constantly harassed and records him and takes pictures. She had 5000 pictures she wanted to show to court. Him sitting by pool etc just stupid things. New friend allows him to store wood, snowmobile and fishing equipment there. I have met her and she is like night and day compared to my brother’s wife. Same age as my brother. Both 54 and work for same company. Brother’s wife is 60. She even went ice fishing with him this past weekend and enjoyed it.

20 year marriage. And did you always feel so warmly towards her?

The trouble with bitter divorces is that people get caught in the crossfire, not even counting damage to the couple themselves.

Do you think this, coming just two years into his widowhood, might have something to do with how your father is behaving now; and do you and your father and your brother talk together about what's going on?

I think each half of a couple does expect his or her own family to "be on his side," generally, and I'm sure your brother does appreciate your support. Is it possible your father finds it harder going than you do, perhaps?

Thanks all after I complete school in four weeks I will be in a better situation to start back to a regular routine at home. Blessings to all!

I hope I won't be sorry I asked, and yes it is time we got back on topic, but all the same - how long was your brother married to this lady? I assume the son in question was hers by a previous marriage/relationship, and not his child.

Yes the estate isettled. My brother’s attorney head me testify that my mom had no will and Dad and her had joint bank accounts and that since I took care of momand now him he testified as a veteran and cancer survivor he wanted me to be the remainder person for his estate. The woman judge thanked him for his service and testimony.
My brother’s wife went so far as to take my brother’s name off of their joint bank account and not put his name back on till he did a joint will with her and then complained he wasn’t leaving enough money to her son! The will was never completed as my brother testified that the lawyer was incompetent and also said no one does joint wills in this day and age! Who does that? It’s blackmail. This woman never contributed financially to their marriage. Brother bought house before marriage - built her a swimming pool deck three season porch updated the kitchen took her to resort vacations every year, let her go to Florida for two winters - she woke up hysterically demanding he offer full price for a condo they were bidding on. Put her son through two colleges which he dropped out of and then her son was kicked out of bootcamp after he signed on. She has substantial assets more than my Dad and I and it is despicable what she is doing. Judge told her in court after she said on the stand that she wanted my brother’s Corvette. A woman judge who is assigned to their case and was hearing the trial said to her “I know your angry but I am not transferring any of your husbands assets to you. That’s my decision so do not ask again! Brother’s wife walked out of court room during his testimony about how her son caused a lot of friction in the marriage with fourteen girlfriends one of whom was living in a tent in the woods in back of the house. His wife went and spent 25k of marital money on household goods at Macy’s after being served divorce papers which is all still sitting in the shed in the original boxes. and 3k on medical marijuana! All was revealed in court and on financials. She had smoked marijuana that she got in the Domenican while ion vacation and when getting on the plane she was detained because the machine that runs your hands through for drugs detected cocaine in her fingertips. Het marijuana had gotten mixed in with cocaine in the Domenican. Brother never smoked a cigarette or pot in his life! Has a high level security clearance for his government contractor job and would not risk losing his job. Police came on plane with guns drawn before takeoff and demanded their passports and had to detain plane so they could go into luggage cargo and get out their luggage to search before they let get back on plane. She blamed it in court on my brother that he forced her into the wrong line at security! She is a risk to travel with. She invited me one of the winters to come to Florida for vacation and then confronted me after my brother had left earlier to rerun to work telling me that my brother was hiding money from her. He paid for her to stay there for two full winters! and wined and dined her when he went to visit - he had to stay up north to work.
She is a bona fife narcissist and emotional abuser seeing herself as a victim. Even her lawyer had threatened to fire her earlier on in the divorce because she was demanding so much.

Also Dad has since now done a will drawn up by my brother’s divorce attorney recommendation leaving me his assets and home Also I have power of attorney also. Brother myself and Dad felt this was the right thing to do to protect ourselves .

She also says: "Mom and Dad did estate planning when she was ill to protect against nursing home just in case it came to that but it didn’t. She took name off house and left it to my brother dad and I. "

Perhaps vagueness is one of the reasons the whole ordeal is so long drawn out.

Whatever has happened, though, the divorce issues should be the brother's problem but seem to be wrecking the father's peace of mind, or at least not helping. That's why I wondered if the three of them are talking about this.

I think we need to get back on topic. She is asking what to do about Dad. Maybe its the house, maybe not.

Maybe not having him involved in the house at all would help. At 94 this all could be just too overwhelming. If he asks about what is going on, tell him not to worry your brother is handling it all. Maybe brother could sit down with Dad or someone who Dad trust and ask him why he is acting like he is towards you. Maybe there is some dementia there. Once you find out the reason, then you can go from there. Maybe he has been mad at you and Mom for selling the old place and buying another one. Sounds like Mom may have been the stronger personality so he just let it go. Now she is gone he is taking it out on you. Wil, he talk to a minister?

Hopefully you can find out the why. Then you can set boundries. Dad this is my house too. If you have to, split everything down the middle. The cabinets and frig, half yours half his. I won't touch yours, u don't touch mine. Your bedroom is off limits as is his to you. My daughter put a lock on hers to help keep her nephew out when he was little. You have a right to do the same thing. Like said earlier, don't ask tell. I am having some friends over.

Thanks for coming back and giving us more information. I’m not following all that you said about the court case but let’s say the worst thing that can happen is that brothers portion... Let’s see what would that be. Mother had half. Mother had no will. If your state required half of her half to go to dad and her other half to be halved by you and brother and brothers wife wanted half of his portion then perhaps the worse thing that could happen is that a judgment could be placed on that 6.25% of the property for SIL?
I don’t know but my point is ask the lawyer what is the worst damage you could expect and then see if that can be reduced in significance to dad and of course to you. Maybe you already know that?
You ARE making progress. Things sound a little better than your first post.
I’m really sorry SIL turned out to be such a problem. Poor brother.
CM asked a great question on what has changed recently if this is new behavior for dad.
Otherwise just keep doing what you are doing, small steps and you will get there.
I’m facing a similar situation with my aunt where I need to make major repairs to her home. She will not want a thing to change. So I do things under the umbrella of necessity. Another thing I tell her is “you know, I have to make these repairs while I am able to. If I don’t I’ll be too old and you will have to trust (someone I know she doesn’t trust) to help.” She always enjoys improvements after they are made.
But I don’t live there. I’m just saying old people don’t like the idea of change.
Have a talk with dad when you are enjoying each other’s company. Tell him you would like to have more of a family life with him and brother. Ask to cook a meal together. Have brother come in with a bag of groceries and the two of you go in the kitchen and take over and make a meal. Do this on a regular basis. Once a week or whatever seems right. If dad keeps being resistant and you are unhappy you may have to consider selling the home or buying dad and SIL out ( if that becomes a thing).
I am sympathetic to dad but as said, none of us are getting any younger. Having a happy home is important. Keep us posted.
And remember old guys get UTIs too and it could be he isn’t well. Blood work and a pee test might be in order.

But Chiswicky there's the thing: *your* assets, your Dad's assets, are safe. But your mother willed part of her share of the house to your brother: that amount of the value of the house is his asset, and his handing it to you out of the goodness of his heart don't make it any less so.

How much money are we talking about?

Your mother left the house to you, your father and your brother.
Your brother has given you his share in the house.
Your brother is now telling the divorce court that he doesn't have any property.
Hm.

Do you think that anxiety and uncertainty about this ongoing dispute is part of what is making your father behave as he is doing? Is he afraid of losing his home?

Being involved in any kind of legal dispute is incredibly stressful, all the more so when you're not one of the principle parties to it but you may be directly affected by the outcome. Are the three of you talking to each other about this?

If it's some years since your mother passed away, and you've been living alone with your father for four years, what has changed recently that has you posting about it now?

Do you think the change is in him, in the family's stress over the divorce, has he been like this ever since he was widowed or have you only lately felt he's trying to push you out?

He certainly seems very anxious and perhaps a bit suspicious or defensive, more than you'd expect in a gentleman managing on his own - common or garden variety fathers are usually only too happy to be waited on.

I think the key word is "changed." What's changed?

Please make clear who owns the house.

Were you and Mom the only people on the deed? If so how was the house handled in Moms will? You have half, Dad has half? You have half and brother and Dad have half? You have half and brother has half.
I am asking because it does matter who now owns the house to how you handle Dad.

I think Dad needs to be evaluated. If you both own the house, then he needs to realize you are entitled to enjoy it to.

I read your post earlier and didn’t notice the part about your brothers divorce.
Did you amend your original question? Maybe I just overlooked it.

Does your brother also have an interest in the home? Did mom have a will?
In some states, if there is no will, then mom’s estate doesn’t automatically go to her spouse. Perhaps this is where brothers ex is coming from. Wanting part of her ex’s inheritance??

So it sounds like when mom was living there were five of you living in the home at one time. Is that how it was?

Do you ever watch tv with your dad? Does brother visit? Does he have friends amongst the neighbors?
You know for a 94 yr old he’s doing amazing by your description. Many on here would be happy to be caring for their dad by going out to classes and friends every day.

Was dad basically on his own when you were tending mom? Did he participate? Has your life perhaps changed while his has basically stayed the same?

I would risk his anger to a degree and get things straightened up in my bedroom to begin with.

Then slowly start taking a layer away.
For instance if there are papers lying about, tidy those. If his clothing is here and there, straighten them.

Dust all the furniture even if you put the same things back down. Don’t make a show of it. Do it when he’s turned in. Go slow with a focus on things being clean and tidy.

No purging unless it’s obvious trash. You don’t want him to feel threatened.

Straighten the cushions on the sofa. Tidy the things around his chair. Make him feel cared for. If doing that would cause him to go ballistic I think you are probably looking at a bit of dementia. Of course that progresses.

Talk to your brother and see if he has insight on the situation.

Please come back and fill in some of the blanks. We want to help you figure this out.

move out

You can't necessarily stop him from being controlling, but you can stop yourself from being controlled. The emphasis here is on you and your responses to his controlling behaviour.

Sounds like the tension between you two is pretty bad. I wonder if he is showing early dementia. In any case you do need to sit down with him and probably a thirds person and find some solutions..

"he doesn’t allow me to do the everyday things I would like to do for myself - cook - clean - enjoy my home" How does he not allow you? Does he get angry?Does she get physical? Some people used anger as a tool to get their way. It is bullying.

You say  "I can’t even do girly things like put away my jewelry, makeup or organize my closets" because he complains about those things. Let him complain, Go ahead and do what you want to. You are both adults sharing a home and you have every right to enjoy your home.

If they were married and he is your biological father, it wasn't you and mom purchasing the house, it was your parents and you. Like it or not that's how it works. You and mom may have picked it out but I guarantee that his money was involved, unless he has never worked and only lived off your mom.

Does he pay for everything or do you split the bills? You don't say you work, so if he is covering all the expenses he feels like he is financially supporting you and that causes the parent child dynamic to be strong.

Been right where you are. First, let me tell you that I am very sorry for you having to live this way. Secondly, let me also say that I am sorry for what I am about to say!

I'll start by telling you a little about my experience just to give you a reference.

Two years ago, I and my BF of 15 yrs moved in with my mother who invited us to come and live with her. The house is my childhood home and I have moved in and out for years with no problems. But this time was different my dad had passed away in 2014. After my BF and I moved in my nightmare started! She would not let us do or touch anything. The house was clutter and just down right a mess. She wouldn't even give us that much space in the fridge, and as far as using the kitchen that was a no go! So, we had to eat out everyday. All my mother did was complain about everything we did or didn't do. It got so bad that the minute she would say, "I don't mean to but..." I would say, "NOW what did we do?" Yes, people can say it is her house and it is her rules; however, she wanted us to help pay half of the bills (which I had no problem with) and do outdoor maintenance at our expense. She would never just talk to me in less, it was to tell me what or what not to do, or some cutting remark! No, she was never like this when my dad was alive! This went on for a few months than I had enough!! I am a firm believer that we teach people how to treat us. I didn't know if this was dementia or if she felt that now she was free to treat me anyway she wanted because my dad wasn't here to stop her or what! All I did know is that I could not and would not live this way anymore. So, I just told her "look I am spending so much money to eat out because "you have to have control over the fridge and kitchen," and "you want us to pay half the bills and expect us to fix up the yard and what not," but "you won't let us have any space!" "How is that fair?" She didn't answer me. She went to her room and slam the door. I started coming up with a plan to move out right after that winter. Things now are way better. She gave up on trying to control everything! That was one of the hardest years of my life!

This is the part you may not like! After thinking and talking to a psychologist it came to me that this behavior that my mother was having wasn't dementia, because there was in someways just to much thinking involve. It was her power hungry ego at work! Nothing more and nothing less! I have no idea what made her think I would put up with this because I am and always been the type of person who will not let anyone treat me like crap.

Is it possible that dad now feels he has control and wants you to know he is in charge? If dad did not have much say in what was happening in the home while mom was a live than maybe now he feels it is his turn to be in control. Unfortunately, there are people that you give an inch and they will take a mile. Now, I don't know if this is true or not for you, but it is just another way to see the situation. He may not be able to see what he is doing will have very bad long-term effects on your relationship.

You have the right 'a human right' to have a safe, warm, and comfortable home. So if I may suggest here are two things to do! One, talk to your dad. Spell it out to him. Example, dad I can not live this way any longer. I have to have xyz. I need xyz. And tell him what will happen if you can't have these things. Now, whatever happens you have to be prepare for the out come, which brings me to point two. Come up with a plan on how you can move out! Hope it doesn't come to this. But it could! Never make a threat that you can't back up! You will have to tell dad if these changes won't happen than I will be force to do abc.

I am sorry that you are in this difficult situation. Sorry for this being so long!


Sending you much needed hugs!

I think you need to hash this out with your father. Since he isn't interested in talking you may need to have a third party involved; a religious leader, older family member or friend, or perhaps even a hired mediator. You need to hear what has him so hostile, and he needs to understand that you need to be able to have peace in your own home, from there you will have a better idea of how to plan your other options.

Did dad have any say in your moving in? Not everyone wants a roomate.

Can he buy you out? Have you offered that as an option?

It sounds like his grief is manifesting into anger/control/depression. I suspect he’s facing his own mortality since losing his wife - scary stuff at his age. I’m going through similar issues with my Dad who moved in with me after my Mom died. We were always so close but lately, we barely speak. Makes home life trying at best - I’ve started working late to avoid going home. My only option is to call the one brother Dad listens to who will then drive down and have a chat / that usually helps for a while. Is there a family member your Dad responds to??

I’m sorry you’re living in such an unhappy situation. The truth for all of us is that the only person we control is ourselves. You can’t change your dad or what he’s like, but you can change yourself. If living there is too miserable it’s time for a new plan. Time for a family meeting including dad and brother, tell them what you’ve said here, and that you can’t continue in this. Come up with a living plan that will work remembering dad isn’t going to change, except to get worse

Yes, and I have lived here with them as I am single since 1991. We moved here all together from our original family home buying this home myself along with my Mom.
Yes probably doesn’t want anyone touching his things but he doesn’t allow me to do the everyday things I would like to do for myself - cook - clean - enjoy my home so I just grab whatever I can and take a lunch with me. And then when I come home I have to wait until he leaves the kitchen and goes and watches tv before I can scrounge up something quick and easy for myself.

Is this home the home your parents shared? If so, could be that Dad sees you as a child living in his home, touching his things. Or doesn't want you changing anything as it was when your Mom was living.