My father is 81 years old. He lives independently (still drives) and lives alone since my mother passed away nearly seven years ago. I was raised in a traditional household where my father worked and made all the household financial decisions; my mother was the homemaker. I have two sisters. We (the children) all moved away from the small town where my father still lives. Today, my sisters live approximately four hours away by car and I live in another state.
We discovered both my parents had a bit of a gambling problem over 20 years ago when a casino opened up in a neighboring town. It was my mother who actively sought professional help to address their gambling problem. My father never admitted to having a problem. It was my mother who kept my father away from the casino. However, now that she's gone, there is no real support for my father.
Due to COVID, my father has been deterred from going to the casino. However, he discovered another form of gambling -- scratch offs! Recently, I was given access to his checking account and discovered he made 10 trips in one day to a local convenience store and spent a total of $81 in scratch offs. In one month, he spent $769 on scratch offs! My father has a very limited income (it primarily consists of social security and a rental property that generates an additional $350 per month). He owns his home and vehicle; he really just has utilities and groceries as monthly expenses. Due to my father's gambling problem, my sisters and I have been reluctant to send him cash. We prefer to assist him by buying groceries and covering the cost for minor household repairs.
Unfortunately, my father is in denial of having any kind of gambling problem. Growing up, he was the one we all went to for financial advice. This is a difficult role reversal for me. My fear is that once I confront him about his scratch off purchases, he'll not only be upset but he'll become more secretive about his purchases. In all likelihood, he'll open another checking account.
I would like some advice on how to address this situation with my father. Any guidance would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you
You can’t help someone who won’t help themselves.
Don’t beat yourself up over this. If Dad is competent, he is free to make horrible choices.
You can try telling your father to go to gamblers anonymous. If he won’t go you can call gamble anon for someone whose loved one has a gambling addiction.
If you go to gamble anon, they teach you to stay out of it. They don’t teach you how to keep a loved one from gambling. They teach you to NOT enable someone. It’s a 12 step program.
My mother is 96 years old and literally gambled ALL of my fathers retirement money. She spent cut when he was alive and then spent the rest when he died in 1998. He was a senior Vice President of a bank and saved a lot of money. She gambled hundreds of thousands of dollars away. Now she looks like a homeless person still living by herself in the house I grew up in.
It is a sad situation and I wish I had better news for you. But unfortunately, if your dad is competent, he is free to gamble ALL his money away. It’s sickening, I know. But you have to let this one go. You can’t change him. I’m sorry you are going through this. Hugs 🤗 to you.
Do you think he is lonely and bored? Maybe helping him find other things to occupy his mind and time would help.
A therapist will tell you the same thing. Stay out of it and don’t enable.
It IS treating them as an addict [as the addictive behavior dictates].
Treating an addict is setting boundaries (for yourself and the person who lives the addictive life).
They won't change if you don't - and then, they may not change although you will be out of the equation. The addict will find other ways until they are willing to face their addiction and only IF they want to change or have the cognitive ability to do so.
Unless you have power of attorney for health care, the doctor can't talk to YOU about this issue, but you and your sisters can certainly inform the doctor.
Is he reporting his gambling losses on his taxes? They are deductible.
I wouldn't be supporting him financially if he is gambling away his food money.
I have a friend that told me her husband mortgaged a house to gamble with. His games were blackjack and poker. Sometimes he would play slots with his wife. He was a Vietnam Vet and got a settlement from the army for his medical conditions. He blew it all at the casinos. He had PTSD and I think he self medicated with gambling. Same as people who have underlying issues like depression or bipolar. They use gambling to escape their pain.
It is insane to me to mortgage a house like he did. They lost the home and were forced to rent an apartment.
She gambled too but not that much. She did it for fun. She bet the minimum. He went for broke! He lived by the mentality of ‘Go big or go home!’
He died and she still gambles even during COVID. I think she does it out of boredom and loneliness. It’s very sad.
She will tell me that if she sees someone loosing she gives them money. I told her to be careful because people will take advantage of her.
I don’t have a moral issue with gambling as recreation but when it becomes destructive it is time to seek help.
Some addicts have to hit the bottom before stopping. I wouldn’t give any cash to your dad either but if you are paying other bills than he doesn’t have any motivation to stop.
Is there a gambler’s anonymous in your area? If not there are online self help sites. Does he use a computer? You can go to the meetings that are held for family members. I realize that isn’t a solution but at least you can express your concerns to people who are in the same situation as you are.
Best of luck to you in your attempt to salvage his financial situation. I am sure it is heartbreaking to see him go down this destructive path.
Some people have a combination of issues, gambling, drinking/drugs and smoking at the same time.
My mom has Parkinson’s disease and gambling is listed on certain meds as a possible side effect. Not everyone experiences those side effects but some people do.
My mom never experienced that and has never gambled, drank or smoked a cigarette a day in her life. Just not her thing, she never even attended a bingo game. She was so frugal all of her life. I suppose that came from surviving the depression era.
If he is mentally competent, maybe have a discussion about reviewing his finances so you know how to handle them if/when he does need your help. Reviewing the amounts he spends on different items may alert him to a problem with gambling. If he is happy with how he uses his money and all his needs are met - then butt out. That would also include not paying for his groceries or minor home repairs. Giving him money or items in lieu of money is enabling a financial problem.
If he is showing signs of cognition problems - decision-making, difficulty with math, short-term memory loss, losing the ability to handle current technology - please have his doctor evaluate him for dementia. If he is deemed mentally incompetent, then he will need assistance with his finances and can use that POA.
Making him list everything that he has to pay, including home insurance and property taxes might make him understand that he needs to gamble less money away.
I would not support him financially with one penny. He needs to feel the consequences if he spends his money on desire and not need. You actually enable his gambling when you pay for other things.
income Each month $$$
room and board -$
car insurance -$
supplemental insurance -$
prescriptions -$
gasoline -$
car insurance -$
groceries:household items -$
they were coming up in the hole every month
Then on the back we wrote how much they had in savings and divided it by 10 years/per month. They had enough to take $350 per month out of their account for 10 years....but if there were a large medical bill, car bill, etc, then that would diminish.
Thats the ONLY thing that worked to help my FIL understand.......here’s the kicker. He had been an accountant! But his 85 year old brain didn’t have those skills anymore. And MIL was even worse-and would pout and tantrum and say UGLY things to him if he didn’t let her get what she wanted when she wanted. The only way it really leveled out was a year into it we had to take the car as it had become even more evident that it wasn’t safe for him to drive....that was a different battle but it helped with finances.