My sister makes me feel bad whenever I talk about changing Mom's care plan. Right now the plan includes 4 morning visits by my sister, 3 morning and 2 evening visits by me, two morning visits by my daughter, and one evening visit by our brother.
After I retired, my husband and I had planned to travel. Now we are taking care of Mom's finances, doing all her shopping, taking her to appointments, and maintaining her house. My sister says that I am lucky to have a husband that will help. While I agree, my marriage is suffering and I feel angry that the plans we made are on hold for some unknown amount of time.
How can I convince my sister that we should look for some outside help. Whenever I bring it up, my sister says something like--I made a promise to Dad, if you can't help then I will do it myself.
Enjoy your vacation. Take care of yourself and your marriage.
"Sister, DH and I will be on vacation from ______ to ________. I've hired caregivers to do my morning and evening visits during this period."
1. What an amazing family!
2. That care plan is unsustainable.
How to convince...
By setting new, realistic boundaries for yourself. This will force your sister to reasses. Either do it all herself (silly) or hire non-family help.
Do you want to elaborate on the promise you made your Dad? Kinda sounds like that has been weaponised & used to manipulate you..?
At the meeting, ask each person to list what is working well, what could use improvement, and what new issues have come up - with your loved one as well as yourselves. The goal is to come up with solutions that work for everybody. This is not the time to "guilt trip" anybody or place unrealistic expectations on anybody. Make sure to address the need for each caregiver to have time off for their own health needs (extended illness) or for vacations (which is reasonable for every one). If need be, talk about paying for help if a person is unavailable and how that could work.
Jenny and her husband tried with her dad to handle his care, it became too much, so she looked for care. She found someplace he could be "happy" in so off he will go.
A successful care plan which caters to the needs of the loved one (LO), preserves her dignity, prolongs her independence, and maintains the highest level of quality of life possible, requires a dedicated caregiver at the helm.
Your LO needs that kind of dedication through her journey, and this responsibility will increase as time goes by. She needs routines, stable routines, and no surprises. Having 5 or 6 people caring for her, each with their own style, and (I assume) no proper way of communication between them is bad start to say the least. Routine must be the golden rule.
Your care plan needs major overhaul and the sooner, the better. And remember, this is not a one-person job. Dementia care is never a one person job. The main caregiver needs support, either through hiring help, or when it is not physically or emotionally possible, some form of placement.
I don't think it is a matter of convincing her. You may not be able to do that.
I believe that you need to be clear on what you will / will not do / the changes you want / need to make and tell her. Period.
- You offer to arrange some initial caregiving support/help. Perhaps take that role on to call / interview / pay / etc. (or share that responsibility).
If I were you, I would be as 'fair' as possible to split the responsibilities as you (and she) can. After that, it is getting more / some outside caregiving services, volunteers from church or friends, networking. You do what you have to do.
I'd personally recommend that you do not put your life on hold 'any longer' and spend quality time with your husband. If you continue on as you have been, you will feel more resentful, angry, and emotionally, spiritually, psychologically, and physically depleted. This is a choice only you can make. And, perhaps / likely a very difficult decision. (As) it involves you changing your psychological programming / triggers to react as you do. This is not easy to change although it starts with a decision to become more AWARE of how you feel - and why - and then - even when it doesn't feel comfortable (it won't) you do what you want - moving forward in your life.
It is 'easy' to make promises when one doesn't know what is involved in the future. Let that go and whatever guilt you may carry. Guilt is a useless emotion (?) / feelling / response. You need to make your decisions and stick with them.
Your sister will do what she decides to do. You have no control over that.
I would consider the legal ramifications or more clear - who has these responsibilities and decision making. Is that split up between the both of you?
Gena / Touch Matters
Are you the POA? You say you are handling the finances, so I suspect yes, but please confirm. If so, you do not need your sister's permission to hire additional help, or even to look at AL (though discussing that with her may help derail any resentments, depending on how it is handled).
Your sister doesn't make you feel bad about yourself or the situation. You choose to allow her to cause you to feel guilty, undependable, etc. Stop doing that. She is not in your position and has no clue what strain you and your family are under. Next time she throws that in your face, tell her she has no idea about the stress this is causing you and your husband and the situation is untenable. And leave it at that. You do not owe her any further explanation (actually, you don't really owe her any explanation at all).
While I think what you, your husband, your daughter and brother and your sister are doing while admirable is slightly insane. (maybe more than slightly...)
Who covers at night.
What happens if mom wanders out of the house at 2AM in her nightgown, no slippers or coat and it is 0 with the wind chill? How long will she last?
What happens when she starts running water and leaves the water on? Or leaves the stove on?
What happens when someone from the "gas company" knocks on the door to check her furnace and robs her?
What is your daughter giving up in her life to check on grandma? Is it fair to her to expect her to do this?
What are you and your husband giving up? Your dream of travel. So, you put that on hold for now thinking that you can travel when mom dies. Great plan until you or your husband are diagnosed with a condition where you can no longer make the travel plans you always wanted. Life is short and you never know what is around the corner.
My husband and I wanted to travel after we retired. He was diagnosed at 63 with dementia. Died 10 years later. Not the way I wanted to spend the first 10 years of my retirement.
Promises like the one your sister made to your dad are promises made to make someone else "feel comforted".
If she thinks she can "do it herself" then she truly is a "Wonder woman" I think she will change her tune very quickly once you all begin to take your lives back.
(Where does your brother stand in this? Is he in "camp gotta care for mom no matter what" or "I want to live my life"?)
What your SISTER chooses to do for your mom is what SHE has chosen. You have every right to step up and say "No, I cannot do this and won't".
A YEAR ago, my MIL went into in home Hospice. My SIL tried to do it all herself, but failed (as anyone would!) called my DH and his OB and begged them to help out.
What followed has been a year to forget. MIL went downhill, but stayed in a holding pattern. So, the actual care, at first was not onerous. The 2-3 weeks until she was told she had left was not anywhere near being 'right'.
But, creeping slowly from being mentally 'a little ditzy' to full blown dementia was awful to watch.
OB was the first one to say "No more" and although he did not have POA (My DH has it) he stepped in and began searching out ALF's. YS fought him, mildly, on it, but in the end, 2 weeks after saying "I'm done", MIL is now moved to a lovely ALF facility.
The day she moved, my DH came home and said to me "We should have done this 5 years ago".
Indeed.
My marriage has been seriously compromised by the sheer amount of time/energy/money/emotional abuse that this situation caused.
OB's wife needs more care and OB can't do both women's care without going crazy.
YS is burned to a crisp. She's still spending way too much time at the facility and needs to pull back but she is feeling incredible guilt.
Your sister has created a 3 legged stool for mom to be propped up on. Do you want the be the third leg for possibly years to come?
NH's of today are not like they were 20-30 years ago. Yes, there are some bad ones. but there are some really nice ones.
Whatever Alva Says--take as truth! Her comments were great.
You have every right to change your schedule or completely bow out. You need hired help or mom in a facility. It's too much to do at home.
My husband has been in the hospital recently. He was very ill. The discharge planning folks called to say he could go home on a certain day. I said, in essence that doesn't work for ME.
If I"m going to be the caregiver, the plan is about ME as much as it is about the care receiver.
Keep that totally in your mind when you say to sis "this plan doesn't work for me any longer"
You have a lot of people as caregivers and you are still worn out and don’t have enough time for yourselves.
It would probably make more sense to look into an assisted living facility if funds are available. If that isn’t feasible then I agree with you that hiring additional help is wise.
As far as how to talk to your sister, I wouldn’t beat around the bush. Tell her exactly what you told us. Hopefully, she will understand and be agreeable.
Wishing you and your family all the best.
LIKE THIS:
Sis, my husband and I have discussed this and we are on the same page.
Whatever you may decide to do FOR YOURSELF and BY YOURSELF is fine.
We no longer choose to do this hands on care.
You can be angry; you can cry; you can argue, but nothing will change out decision.
I think that mother now belongs in care. I will not enable that not being done by participating in this care.
I have reached my own limitations.
You are free to JUDGE my limitations and put labels on me, but you are not free to change my choices which are already made".
Now.
Tell me?
If your sister said THAT to YOU how do you suppose for a second you could change the decision.
As long as you are WISHY WASHY people will use you as a dishrag.
Sorry, but that's the blunt truth. We tell people who we are. We train them in how we can be used. OR how we can NOT be used.
Good luck. There is no substitute for honesty.
Nothing to convince her about, just be honest and tell her that you cannot continue to do this.
Forget the promise thing said in an emotional moment, life changes, we need to readjust as required.
You have helped, time to care for you and your husband, enjoy your retirement, you've earned it.
How about considering a facility, AL, so you and your sister can become daughters again, not 24/7 caregivers.
Good Luck!
Have her read the responses to your question herself. She needs to understand that your Father asked for this promise never imagining what the downstream collateral damage would be on everyone orbiting around your Mom. It's not sustainable, and will get much worse.
It is not a moral failure to hire other caregivers for your Mom, or to place her in a facility. By what you post, she already needs a ton of help so keeping her in her home... what's the point? She is not "aging gracefully" or independently. I doubt either of your parents would want to be responsible for wrecking their childrens' mental and emotional (and possibly financial) well-being.
Your well-meaning sister needs to understand that your obligation is to your immediate family first, then your Mom. That's the correct moral priority.
I wish you all clarity, wisdom and peace in your hearts as you work together to figure out your Mom's care arrangement.
Your mom would never want your marriage to be suffering because of her. Your husband, children and grandchildren must be your number one priorities, and then the rest of the family.
And it doesn't sound like that is the case right now, so yes, changes must be made. And if that means you let your sister do it all herself...well so be it.