How do single people manage the caregiver role? I feel overwhelmed and angry.

Hi,
I can relate in a few ways as I have rec'vd little or no help from my 3 older brothers and 1 sister. All r in great health, but me. I'm the youngest of 5 54ys old. And I am the 1 who knows Mom the best, and her twin sisters 82 yrs old. Mom stayed home for 2 yrs as I found our her life ins. policy gave her the money for Healthcare at the house 7 hrs per 24 hrs. It was a blessing! But I had to fire 1 healthcare co, and hire another and the phone was constantly ringing with problems. So I then drove 1 hr away to stay with Mom till co. got a person would come in place for person who didn't show up. In the beginning I called Mom or she'd call me so I made sure she rec'vd her meds... which I also did for her, just to name a few things. I'm disabled, single, and family never really came on a regular basis even when Dad was alive. She took care of him, I'd spend my weekends cooking as she had 2 do bills piling up, and take care of herself...which was hard on her. I told her to take VA here in Milwaukee,WI in 2009. She refused. Then I prayed as well as her, my church family, and asked that God would make mom c she couldn't do it anymore. Praise God VA called with another room available. And she agreed it was time to let go of taking care of DAd. She had dementia in early stages already by 2008. Dad passed in 2010 due to negligence of VA..we sued and won! So she was able to use that $ for a short time, then in 2015 I finally found her a place to live in AL. But now in 2017 we will b filing for Medicaid. I am overwhelmed even today as I have 2 keep eye on any abuse, or anything else I c hasn't been done. My friend, I will keep u in my prayers. Proverbs 3:5,6 It gives me peace, because I know God is in control. It isn't easy as I and all of these other people are sharing with you. I have a lot of med problems too. I have Factor V a blood clotting disease..my gift at 31 yrs old. And being on Coumadin at high doses since 1995 has caused more health issues. I had neck surgery which was dangerous, hand surgery, and blood clots in female organs all in 2008, and in 2009 car accident caused perm. damage to my right foot. We all send our love to u and know stay strong, cry, keep commuications open with family...cuz u will need to vent, and really pray asking God for help. He will certainly do that. HE never closes a door without opening another. Walk by faith, not by sight. And you'll get through this difficult time. God is preparing u for HIS will to be done. HE has a plan for your life, and is strengthening u and preparing u for your next step. Keep looking up!
Joshua 1:1-9 HE is with you no matter where u go. WE all r in this together. God Bless you for taking care of your Mom, and your son for stepping up to care for your twins. Sounds like a wonderful son! Thank u for sharing your story. Your rewards may not b on this earth, but our heavenly Father knows of your sacrifices. God bless!

Hi,
I can relate in a few ways as I have rec'vd little or no help from my 3 older brothers and 1 sister. All r in great health, but me. I'm the youngest of 5 54ys old. And I am the 1 who knows Mom the best, and her twin sisters 82 yrs old. Mom stayed home for 2 yrs as I found our her life ins. policy gave her the money for Healthcare at the house 7 hrs per 24 hrs. It was a blessing! But I had to fire 1 healthcare co, and hire another and the phone was constantly ringing with problems. So I then drove 1 hr away to stay with Mom till co. got a person would come in place for person who didn't show up. In the beginning I called Mom or she'd call me so I made sure she rec'vd her meds... which I also did for her, just to name a few things. I'm disabled, single, and family never really came on a regular basis even when Dad was alive. She took care of him, I'd spend my weekends cooking as she had 2 do bills piling up, and take care of herself...which was hard on her. I told her to take VA here in Milwaukee,WI in 2009. She refused. Then I prayed as well as her, my church family, and asked that God would make mom c she couldn't do it anymore. Praise God VA called with another room available. And she agreed it was time to let go of taking care of DAd. She had dementia in early stages already by 2008. Dad passed in 2010 due to negligence of VA..we sued and won! So she was able to use that $ for a short time, then in 2015 I finally found her a place to live in AL. But now in 2017 we will b filing for Medicaid. I am overwhelmed even today as I have 2 keep eye on any abuse, or anything else I c hasn't been done. My friend, I will keep u in my prayers. Proverbs 3:5,6 It gives me peace, because I know God is in control. It isn't easy as I and all of these other people are sharing with you. I have a lot of med problems too. I have Factor V a blood clotting disease..my gift at 31 yrs old. And being on Coumadin at high doses since 1995 has caused more health issues. I had neck surgery which was dangerous, hand surgery, and blood clots in female organs all in 2008, and in 2009 car accident caused perm. damage to my right foot. We all send our love to u and know stay strong, cry, keep commuications open with family...cuz u will need to vent, and really pray asking God for help. He will certainly do that. HE never closes a door without opening another. Walk by faith, not by sight. And you'll get through this difficult time. God is preparing u for HIS will to be done. HE has a plan for your life, and is strengthening u and preparing u for your next step. Keep looking up!
Joshua 1:1-9 HE is with you no matter where u go. WE all r in this together. God Bless you for taking care of your Mom, and your son for stepping up to care for your twins. Sounds like a wonderful son! Thank u for sharing your story. Your rewards may not b on this earth, but our heavenly Father knows of your sacrifices. God bless!

lotsokittycats, thank you for the prayers! Wish I could do more than prayers! But here for you anytime

Hey, worry4mom, glad to hear things are going a little bit better for you, too. In my thoughts and prayers and I thank you, again, for supporting me when I needed someone (along with JennaRose, too, of course)!

Hi JennaRose,
They are slowly getting better. Mom made the choice to go back to her home after rehab because she was worried about what my 20 yr old nephew was doing in her house. I told my mom that I cannot drive there 2-3 times a day like I did before (45 min dr one way), that my 11 yr old twins deserve a summer without incidences like there have been for the last 2 yrs. She was upset with me and didn't talk to me for a month (she has early signs of dementia at 85)! But slowly, things are coming together. It's going to take another 6 weeks with my new thyroid med to see how my body is doing, but I feel much less stressed. Thanks for asking!

Hi Michele,

So good to hear back from you! You are so right that if one AD works good for one family member if will probably work well for you as well..

I am so relieved for you that you found a family member who lives 120 miles away to take you to get the testing done, what a wonderful person to do this for you! I will be praying for you that nothing serious is going on.

When I was in my 20's (wow, seems like 100 years ago), I had horrible pain (doubled over, sick to my stomach, weight loss, etc.) and also had to have an upper and lower endoscopy. Turned out I had 7 ulcers (I was very stressed out for reasons that have nothing to do with my family). Antibiotics and a special diet cured my ulcers. I also had the h. pylori bacteria.

As worry4mom said stress can and will wreak havoc on one's body. And it's true that we have to come first and take care of ourselves (yes, easier said then done) because if we are not healthy then what good are we to take care of our elders?

Things will get better as you sound like a strong person with a very good heart.

Worry4mom, how are you doing now? Are your stress levels any better?

Jenna

You'll do it....after 2 rough years with my mom due to my sibling and her children's shenanigans at my mom's house, the stress caused my thyroid to take a crap...Hypothyroid back in full bloom, high cholesterol, diabetes, kidney levels are slightly off...Stress does a number on our bodies!! Just keep doing what you are...One step at a time. You have to come first (I know...easier said than done sometimes!).

THANK YOU, worry4mom and JennaRose, for your kind words of encouragement! I feel better (and feel safer) being able to post on this thread than I did the last time when, frankly, I felt as if I was in high school being cyberbullied as is so well reported these days but NEVER EXPECTED to experience on a site like this! So, for that, I THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART!

I've made my appointment to see my primary care physician to obtain an AD, plus in addition to doing some research of my own regarding the most effective ADs currently available (I HIGHLY suggest reading the one written by the experts at the Mayo Clinic..... via Google search), I actually contacted my brother (who I rarely talk or, better framed, when I DO contact him, he rarely responds and , If he does, it's usually not very pleasant), to find out which AD be was on, or had been on in the past. Reason? According to the Mayo Clinic's article, the chances that an AD that worked for one family member would actually be just as effective for another family member than another, untried AD medication. Just waiting to hear back from him which, hopefully, will come before my appointment with my doctor.

In the meantime, after having to go and see my gastroenterologist due to increased upper abdominal pain, weight loss (17lbs in the last 7 mos, 7lbs within the last six weeks without trying, by the way!), as well as several other symptoms I won't bore you with, I had a very hard time finding ANYONE who'd take me to get my colonoscopy and upper/lower endoscopy done which requires I have a driver, the SAME driver who takes me, stays with me on the waiting room while my procedures are being done, and the same one who takes me home. Not easy when, even after ten years, mainly depressed, I've not made any friends here since I left my own home in Palmdale where I had a ton of friends. So, even my brother's grand children, who all live somewhat nearby, who have jobs and drive, not only didn't step up to the plate, but wouldn't even answer my Facebook pleas for help (and I even opened up from private to public settings in desperation for help) a driver for that morning plus I offered to pay anyone for their time and yet again, NOTHING from my so-called "family" so I can only imagine what things might be like if, God forbid, my Mom (their Great Grand Mother) needed their help since they won't lift a finger to help me, their Grand Aunt!

That being said, and THANK GOD for my extended family, my second cousin's daughter (who, by the way, lives almost 120 miles away!!!) DID STEP UP and will be taking me to have my tests done!

Pray that, even though my own doctor has voiced his real concern about the possibility of stomach cancer, a doctor mind you who doesn't usually show, much less speak of concern, is wrong and that there's some other definitive explanation for all of my symptoms and that I'll be physically able to continue taking care of my Mom for as long as I need to. I'll keep working on the psychological aspect, via effective medication(s) until I find the right one(s) so I can not only physically take care of her but do so in a psychologically healthy way as well.

Bless you all and, again, thanks for not beating me up again (and, hopefully for the last time!), and I'll be here for YOU, TOO, should I be able to help when YOU NEED IT!
Michele

Hi Lotsokittycats,

I think that's great that you are seeing a therapist as venting really helps. I have seen therapists in the past for different reasons (I have PTSD), anxiety, etc. and therapy has helped me (though I had to shop around for the right therapist as not all therapists are the same).

I also had times when I didn't want to leave my house (I used to suffer from panic attacks which is tied in with my PTSD) because I was hit by a car when I was 17 in my legs which gave me a fear of driving. This has gotten better for me as I became older and moved to a state that has mostly country roads.

Anyway, take it one day at a time which is all any of us can do. I have plenty of bad days and then I have some good days which I try to remember.

If an AD helps you then good! I was on an AD for panic attacks which helped me. When you are ready you will go to the caregiver's center resource group. You are really trying and that's a good thing!

Jenna

So sorry....It's not easy. Been there. Not much help other than will pray for you.

Haven't posted since I got slammed the last time and, unfortunately, it appears that I'm not the only one. What a shame. 

That being said..... I'm still caring for my 87 year old mother, now with moderate dementia, and feeling even more burnt out. Did start going to a psychologist/talk therapist who's been helping me try and cope (I highly recommend this!) which also allows me at least an hour a week of time away from home, although I have to admit that being gone even for an hour still stresses me out, but gives me much needed time to talk things out. Still haven't gone to the caregivers resource center's group yet, mainly because I simply can't seem to drag myself out of the house. Not my mom's fault or, for some strange reason not wanting to leave her alone, but simply because I'm still too depressed to do or go anywhere unless I absolutely have to (groceries, picking up rxs, etc.) and, since I KNOW I need an antidepressant (not for everyone, making clear) I'm going to make that appointment with my doctor and, hopefully, after the time it takes for the AD to take effect, I'm hoping I'll feel better, be a better caregiver for my Mom, and not feel so overwhelmed doing so by myself.

Bear in mind, I'm also having to face a potentially serious medical situation of my own that weighs very heavily on me - testing to determine, per my doctor's suspicions, if I have stomach and/or upper/lower gastrointestinal cancer (which runs very strongly on BOTH sides of my family) and of which, if so, will freak me out and leave me trying to either continue to care for her while undergoing whatever treatment I'll be prescribed or..... what? I simply don't know.

Oh, yeah, I get the pep talks from my SIL (my brother doesn't talk directly with me nor with my Mom) but that's about all I get from either one of them which, excuse me for perhaps sounding unappreciative, doesn't help me at all - not to mention their at-a-boys are given most likely as thankfulness that they're not in the position I'm in - so they leave me with less than any sort of comfort. Sorry, I've rambled on enough so I'll leave y'all to try and make sense of this but, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, don't beat me up again, okay? Thanks

.. Jenna,  just stop. Pretty sure we all have enough to do without a couple of you picking out a couple folks on here to stick your claws out to. ... And hoping you feel sorry for everyone who's struggling in their situations on here, just try in a respectful way rather than degrading. Ciao

Being a caregiver for family members with dementia is hard. You should really consult with an elder law attorney to advise your about your options for in home care/respite care and your options. You are not alone in this journey and there are many support groups you can connect with other people in your situation who understand what you are going through. Private care can be expensive but there are other options such as day care facilities and respite care you may want to consider to alleviate he burden for you so you can continue to provide the appraise care for your mother. You should really contact and elder law attorney in your area to find out what your options are. Most people in your position have no idea what help is available. Best of luck.

Yes, I think MissElaine left, hope she comes back.

Tired1of4, I'm sorry that I even posted to you (I went back and read your other posts) and I feel sorry for you. I hope life gets better for you, truly I do.

Jenna

I agree with you KrisCook.

I also fluctuate between resentment (in my case...when will I get my life back?!! All Mom does is sit and watch television due to cognitive decline from vascular dementia) to gratitude (Thank goodness I have the opportunity to care for her as I've read horror stories of abuse and neglect of elders either in their own home or in a nursing home...I've learned so much about myself in the years of solocaregiving to both parents that I've grown tremendously and have become more grounded because of my sacrifices and I'll be ready to fly, ready to soar, in the next phase of my life after Mom passes away...I have no fear in going after/accomplishing what I want in my remaining years after the hell I've put through).

I also fluctuate to sadness and guilt (I love Mom and Dad so much...I just wish I could turn back time so we could've traveled more before their decline that has left them homebound. I wish I could've really talked to them, really get to know them as people, individuals with life experiences and not just as "my parents".

We always think we have more time with our parents/children/grandparents/and the such but then the health crises after health crises after health crises kicks in...and then we forget how precious that time was before their health declined.

Above all, we're thinking and dealing with our own mortality as we see our loved ones suffer and leave this planet - forever. Being single and/or having no family support system makes it difficult to have honest, brutal talks about death and life...No one else is around to talk about this stuff to us...Or at very least let us borrow their shoulders so we can have a good cry or a d*mn hug!! My poor senior tri-color Beagle (who suffers from Doggy Alzheimer's), I sometimes cry to him and he looks at me like "I can't help you Mommy, I'm just an old dog...I've lived my life and I'm ready to die with Grandma..."  :-)

I'm single, working to support my 84-year old dad and myself, and I will turn 60 in a couple of months. Dad has lived in my house for nearly 4 years, but I've been caring for him since my divorce in 2007. He has unwittingly rendered me celibate! I sold his house so I could afford sitters so I can work. When that house money runs out, I'm in trouble, because my fixed costs are more than he and I both bring in each month. All he does is watch tv, wander, and sit outside and smoke. Thank heaven he still has enough cognition to always smoke outside! I am alternatingly deeply resentful, and deeply thankful. It's the weirdest emotional and spiritual yo-yo I have ever experienced. I have two siblings that could not care less, and do not help me one iota.
Anyway, to get back to the subject, which is how hard it is when you are single, I want to report that is very hard. But at least what I say goes, and I don't have a husband telling me how I should do things!

I think the OP left the building 13 days ago. It was a good conversation, though, showing both sides of caregiving. I know that people feel differently about it based on how long they've been doing it, how pleasant their LO is, and if they have any support people. It is really easy to understand how both sides feel, and how people can feel good about caregiving one day and bad the next.

Dear Elaine,

I hear you, my friend. It is overwhelming. If you can, try and access as many resources as you can through social agency or talking with a social worker. Seek out respite care. I know its easier said than done but take care of yourself.

For myself, I was consumed with anger and resentment. It was hard. I let that affect my ability to care for my father. I wish so badly I could redo the last year of his life. I should have sought out counselling sooner or joined a support group. Found a better balance. I needed to do more self care but instead I just let everything be about my dad and work.

Please know you are not alone. We are all here to listen and support you in anyway we can. Hope you are able to get a break and recharge. Thinking of you.

Sometimes you have to just cover your ears with your hands, close your eyes and go blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. :)

MsElaine,
You are the original poster, a newbie.
We try to keep it friendly on the forum, but sometimes fail.
Maybe due to the stress of caregiving, I don't know.
Hoping other people behaving badly towards each other will not scare you off. It rarely happens, imo.

... correction needed to be noted ".. giving of ourselves unselfishly"
*To the managers of this site; consider utilizing an option for comment originators to enable the editing of their comments no matter the length of time the comments have been written.

.... Jenna, correct me if I'm wrong but I don't see your name on anything I've written, which means you have misdirected your support of your own experience against mine. Also, apparently you don't read the titles of page tab areas before you write within the areas... this one is titled "care-giver burnout"... but now, I'll go ahead and speak as you have spoken to me;

Jenna I don't care if you enjoy sitting around singing songs and playing patty cake with your mother, I do not care that you find taking care of your mother as some sort of happy time and that's how you choose to spend life. 
I do how-ever, care of my situation and others who are in the same situation... we who are not ready to end life in this way, meaning we who have flown from the nest many decades ago and have created our own survival and life, and we do not wish to return to that nest (parent child dynamic) for our own reasons.  

 Perhaps your view of this world has created who you are, but you may need to realize that many of us have children of our own, have careers of our own (or did have careers) and I have offered much of my time to those in need but I dont wear it as a badge as you need to.... we who have had homes of our own, community and social enjoyments, many upon many of us continue to have hopes and goals beyond this situation, goals that we still wish to fulfill,,, but for what ever, and for many reasons, have found ourselves being the only ones who actually give a d*mn about the one we are caring for, and for many of us we have yet to figure out how to handle the very earth shattering situation we've found ourselves in.... but we're working on it, while you play solitaire. 

For you to pre-judge, for you to directly say that I am this, or I am not that, etc, places you in a category of the unrealistic, and in the category of those unable to understand that there are far more of us out there like me than ones like you will ever accept. Ones like me who's family dynamics have created a damaging care-giver experience for the care giver. ....... 

Meaning this Jenna, not everyone feels what you do for your elder,  but yet we (my self and others like me) are all giving of ourselves selfishly (does not mean foolishly) during this time to degrees that effect very real life in very real and devastating ways.  Jenna, You are a minority, and as equally damaging to the light that's needed to be shown on the reality of the very real need of reform from and within all sides and aspects of the elder experience.

Care giving is not just a frame of mind as you seem to irresponsibly say it is, I have yet to pay a utility bill, a mortgage payment or an insurance or grocery bill with a "frame of mind"... maybe you do, maybe your mother has enough income to support both she and you .. but for the most of us, the one we are caring for is not paying their way, or they are doing so on the very minimum, nor are they able to pay for their own care (do you have any concept of what that means and factually does to a family such as mine.. do you know what it means to have to stop work to care for another adult who's options are running out. Another extremely dependent individual more dependent than my children... an individual who was thrown into your lap during a time in your life when not one more dime was able to be found under my own roof... if one cannot work the income stops just as fast as that individual needed the help ,,, of course you don't of such issues ,, you are busy singing songs and playing games With your mom.

Tired1of4, I feel you are way out of line with what you said about caregiving. I am not destroying myself taking care of my Mom all by myself, in fact I am grateful that I have this chance to spend this precious time with my Mom during her last remaining years.

I didn't give up my life to take care of my Mom, I still have a life. It's all about the balancing act and priorities. I never feel resentful but grateful that I didn't put my Mom in a nursing home and I don't plan on doing that unless I really, really have to.

My Mom and I sing songs together, joke around, etc. We have so many quality times. I keep coming up with ideas to put my Mom in a positive frame of mind and that's my choice to do this. The results I get are precious and priceless.

Perhaps you are talking about yourself (yes, I can read between the lines as well). Much of being a caregiver is about attitude. Obviously my attitude is quite different then yours and in a very good way! :-)

Are there times when I get tired and don't feel like cooking, cleaning, doing laundry? Of course, I am only human. But when I weigh the pro's and con's the good always outweighs the negatives.

So talk about yourself as you are not me and you obviously don't have a clue to what I am all about and how I view life. Since I was in my 20's I volunteered to help homeless people as well as elders who were stuck in their homes after working at least 50 hours a week. I continue to do other volunteer work that has nothing to do with caregiving because that's who I am.

Each one of us has a "choice" to find joy in life while caring for our elder.

A friend of mine who had to look after her father (her unsupportive family only visited to make trouble) called in a group of volunteers from a local hospice who helped her lift him etc. Please don't go on medication if you are not physically ill; all meds have longterm side-effects. Instead, get someone to cover from you (hospice volunteers if there are any in your area, or a church group, or friends if they are reliable) and take time out to exercise, get some me-time (even if it's just a trip to the cinema on your own). You need time alone to recharge your batteries, and you need friends. I could be in your position some time, as my mother is elderly and my sisters are only interested in her money.

well the worse is yet to come if did not yet ..i am talking about her mind ..she will verbally fight you & hopefully not physical mine did not yet ..okay a big tip if she gets bad you need to have medicine to knock her out ..i got some .. you may not be able to get it but here is mine tramadol 50 mg's melitnon= MY bad spelling xx you can get it at walmart in the vitamin section got to look for it it is a purple bottle 5 mg's it is harmless you will see when you get a bottle it does work -Quetiapine or seroquel extended 24 hr 50mgs & last is Alprazolam 0.25 mg have to split in 1/2 so you will have to ask a psychiatrist for them but tramadol might have to ask a primary doc .she needs it for pain but be careful it could cause constitpation worse in some people it varies just keep track if she dont get bowels moving ..if not use stool softener might even have to use phillips milk of magnesia - that is if they wont move & to really get them to move you can get mineral oil start small a table spoon to start my mom had been thru the wringer i had to really get the big bomb on her for sample linzess & mineral oil a couple of table spoons worth .she would not go but after that she went big time ..dont do that i had to lay paper in the hallway she could not hold it but she was not moving ..but know my mom will not get out of bed much at all wont eat tired of my cooking too but i cant help it i am a male & i am on disability i dont get a lot of money to spend after bills i got to some how make 400.00$ make i till next month so i dont have o work but i got a lot to do to keep up with the house & i dont have a lot of ideals what she wants to eat i try but she dont want it anyway now eats a banana that is it & Dr pepper but she is not diabetic i am so a lot of times i cant eat what she can so be careful they do get pissed off easy that would be a good time to try to give them a pill o so to get them to go to sleep when they sleep & get up even a 10 minute nap they may not remember what got them mad mine sometime remember but she is better anyway ... well talk to doctors you wont need all the meds all the time ..so you need to learn how they work & use it as a tool but do try not to rely on them a lot only when you really need them ..this a learning job ..learn not to piss them off is a better goal ..to me OHalso learn to not to aggravate them a lot if she is tired of you leave her a lone hell a few times i took my dog for a walk for a hour comeback some times she is in a good mood & sometimes not ..so that is some of my thoughts for you is ..learn what you are dealing with try to google but 1/2 the time it directs you to here try it & see ..we are the hand book for these disease'es if you can get help from others get it try to TRY TO REMEMBER YOUR MISTAKES WRITE IT IF YOU HAVE TO MAYBE PUT I SHOULD HAVE DONE THIS NOT THAT ..SO IT IS A FLY BY NIGHT EXPERIMENT YOU HAVE TO LEARN & OH THE BEST THING IS HER ABSOLUTE FAVORITE MUSIC -GET IT ON DVD OR VCR OR ANY MEANS PLAY IT SO HELPFUL EXTREMELY HELPFUL ..WHEN SHE IS IN A NO CONTROL MOOD TO PUT UP WITH EVEN HER FAVORITE MUSIC EXPECT IT ..THEN LET HER DO WHAT SHE WANTS TO DO ..DO KEEP HER HAPPY TRY TO GO WALKING WHAT EVER DO WHAT SHE LOVED TO DO IT WILL MAKE YOUR TIME EASIER - GOOD LUCK TO ONE & ALL

If you are emotionally stressed out, you might consider respite care for your loved one so you can step back and look at the situation for a longer term solutions. I've found this forum and some of the well-known books on dementia to have some useful information on techniques for dealing with the different issues as they come up. I think it is important to realize that your loved one will express themselves in ways that you might consider offensive, but like a 5 year old, they don't realize it. I try not to take it personally - easier to do when I am not exhausted. There are many things that will not get done anymore. Sometimes you just have to accept your and your loved ones limitations.

.... Dana, I don't know you from Adam, but I can read between the lines and your lines are already very transparent... it's not that you're not cut out to be a caregiver, it's that you're not cut out, nor ready to give up your life ...just as I am not.  

Caregiving for our elders was never intended to be shouldered by one, it is not like caring for a child who grows and changes day to day being full of life, energy and excitement of new challenges and the day by day wonders and learning, experiencing all the beauty of life that creates a communicating, feeling and thinking human who strives to be independent in life... No, full time round the clock elder care is daunting, exhausting, and we are forced to witness and be saturated and surrounded by our own mortality by watching them degrade day by day ...... that is not ok, not for anyone. 

 When elder care is strapped upon one,  it destroys that one person, and it does it's damage from the inside out.  Dana, you need to stop what you're doing and live again... you're daughter deserves more than to have her mom literally dissolve, fall literally apart, become frail and or possible die prematurely ... for what? To take care of another person when that person can actually be taken care of by others to a degree even we ourselves will be alright with (a facility.)

There's somthing I want to ask all of you who are being stripped of life by this awful position we've found ourselves in.. ask yourselves this, if the one you are taking care of was with their full mental cognent selves, would they have ever asked or even wanted you to end your life for them....yes or no. If the answer is no then put them somewhere safe, then, live the one life you have left... (if the answer is yes then you need to fix that destructive situation for yourself, or, don't... it's all up to you.)

I'd be very tempted, if someone I was going through this stress with, said "I guess you should just put me in a home" to say, "Yes, maybe I should. You're acting like that would be best."
I know something about dealing with family members needing care that they don't understand that they need; I had a sister-in-law whom I finally took to my own doctor, who found out that she had a brain tumor that hadn't been diagnosed because she could'nt describe her problems to her own doctor--one even prescribed "stress classes" for her. It's really hard to find the right answers for some people's real needs (not necessarily what they think they need).

I'm also an only child, single, and caring for my mother, who just might outlive me. I'm on more blood pressure medication than she is, and the depression is paralyzing (I'm on an antidepressant and it's not working, but a low dose of an antianxiety med is a saving grace). I have a daughter who's in college and doesn't know what I go through. I've accepted that there might not be life after caregiving (and wouldn't want mom dead, when the time comes the grieving will be intense). I only work part time and will never have a career or even what my daughter calls a real job and probably never a relationship (not even looking; who would want to get involved with a depressed caregiver?)

I'm planning to see an elder care attorney so there will be someone to make arrangements to put mom in a nursing home if I go first (I have migraines that drive my blood pressure over 200/100, stroke level, and now that they are so strict about opiates, I get no pain relief when that happens) and pay my daughter's bills out of the family funds (what's left) while she is in school. I've told my daughter that if anything happens, she should live her life, and not to ever become a caregiver, not for her grandmother, not for me.

I feel guilty because i know some people find caregiving rewarding, but I find it burdensome, physically exhausting (I've injured myself twice helping mom up), emotionally draining, and with the personality changes mom has (she gets angry and cries all the time and says she wants to die, and refuses to tell the doctor), often I feel I can't take much more. Right now I'm thinking of withdrawing what little i have for retirement to put mom in respite care for a week, but that might make it worse, because I'll still have to come back to demands and adult diapers.

I promised to care for her as long as I could, and really can't tell whether I am being self-indulgent or if I really am close to the breaking point. Some people are not cut out to be caregivers, and I fear I am one of them, but I must. And there will probably be nothing of me left at the end of it, so I try to squeeze a little life for myself now, and then feel guilty about it. Others have it so much worse than I do.  There are posts on this forum that sound like Gothic horror stories, caregivers with a demanding demented parent 24/7, and no break at all. We're taught to go to school, work, marry, have kids (of course not everyone does) then those who are lucky can retire, but no one told us about caregiving. It takes and takes and takes. It says a lot that so many of us have to medicate ourselves to endure it. 

I just keep trying to not lose my sh*t with dad or my sibs. I'm not doing ok. Sick of hearing " you need a break". Well no sh*t I do. Are you gonna take him? No,i didn't think so. This is not how I want to live. If you can call this living.