How do we not feel guilty for not being able to visit my mother in a nursing home?

If you are near enough, I’d try the ten minute “….just stopping by to say hello and make sure everything was OK”, then leave.

Behaviors DO change during the course of dementia, and if she doesn’t feel better with longer visits, you have no obligation (AT ALL) to hang around.

Super short visits indicate your love and care, and keep life comfortable for both of you.

I’ve been doing exactly this since December 2021.

Try to change the word because the words we tell ourselves are powerful. You didn't cause this; it isn't your "fault". There should be no guilt, and you aren't a felon or evil doer. Those who "should" feel guilt almost never do. The G-word you need is "grief". You are grieving that your Mom is losing herself, that she is distressed,that you aren't God and can't fix it, that everything can't be fixed, that now this grief and despair are added to your already overwhelmed life. That you cannot find any answer to help either your Mom's or your own feelings. Is that not worth grieving? Is that not worth you heartbreak? Is that not worth your tears? Please go easy on yourself. You aren' t responsible and you are doing all you can, and owe it to yourself and your family to stay as well and strong as you can. My heart goes out to you and I wish you well. The very sad truth is that your frequent visits are distressing both of you, and to no good end. Visit less. She may adjust better, and she may NOT, but right now her mind isn't her own nor yours to help.

Visits are more for your peace of mind than they are for your mother at this point. If you're going to feel guilty for not visiting, then plan to visit and make time to do so, even if it's for 15 minutes a pop once a week. She will know you're there, even with advanced dementia.

When my mother with advanced dementia got agitated during our visits with her in Memory Care AL, or decided she had something 'urgent' she needed to do, my DH and I would just leave. Kiss her goodbye and tell her we loved her and would come back again at another time. Short visits are best when dementia is involved, that's what I've found. Bring a snack along or a small gift, and leave the moment things get stressful.

Best of luck.

Based on what you say, M won’t remember when you came. Any visit might be remembered, or none. I’d consider scrapping the ‘we visit’, and taking it in turns for one person to go. A useful topic of conversation - where the other one is? 10 minutes with M, then see the staff to get an update and let them know that you are ‘watching’.

Maybe taking pictures of you and her together and putting the dates on the back of photos may help her. BIL is in the same boat. That is why we have a picture book there for him to look at.

Prayers

It may seem that she doesn’t know if you visit or not but you don’t know for sure as my mother is in care and I think like that but then she comes out with something and I think she remembered that it doesn’t matter either way I’m sure as it is your mother you should visit maybe by yourself as you will regret it once she is no longer here 10 minutes of your time maybe once a week is not too much to ask is it?

Because it is still your mother and you need to see she is properly cared for. How else would you know? The staff do not have the time to give you updates.
Continue as you do and when she becomes agitated the visit is over. Who knows what is getting through to her brain.

A month away is too long, regardless of your mother's dementia. Put yourself in your her shoes and do the right thing. Make the time to visit, oversee, & advocate for your mother's care.

The 10-15 minute visits are about all they can take. We had to make sure to keep conversation "in the present", and not try to reminisce. As far as your guilt over not being there enough, can you possibly work with a staff member for a check in video call? Even a few minutes of that might ease your conscience, and be easier to manage with busy family schedules.

I guess you're feeling guilty because it's kind of crappy not to visit for at least 15-20 minutes at least weekly or biweekly (I'm presuming that you live within a reasonable driving distance of an hour or less in each direction). The easiest way to assuage guilt is to avoid it (at least that's what works for me).

Be honest with yourselves that visiting your mother is not a priority for you. If it were, you would make it happen. You mifht not feel proud of acknowledging that fact, but you would feel less conflicted.

Perhaps just visit in her room. She feels comfortable there and not wheeled somewhere else.
Can you move her closer to where you live?

My Mom was in an AL. I doubt if she knew I was there for 10 minutes or all day. I was lucky she was just up the road by 5 min. My visit would be 15min to a half hour. Longer if some entertainment was going on. Sometimes it was just bringing her laundry, putting it away and having a little chat that was pretty much one sided.

You just started a new job, stress in itself. I bet you come home drained and then its dinner, clean up and bed. Schools in so so are those extracurricular things for the kids. Maybe you live further away than I did so 10 to 20 min is just not worth the drive when your tired. Things will settle down once your trained and in a routine. Then you can maybe go on the way home from work. Or go alone while DH takes care of the kids.

Family needs to visit the NH regularly if for no other reason than to show the staff that you are checking up on the care being received. Visit her in her room rather than in common areas. It might be more comforting to her in her own room. Make the effort to visit her at least weekly. I've been in the NH and I valued the visits I received from family and friends. I still do even though I'm at home.

Keep the visits short - 10 minutes - and bring her a favorite treat to eat while you visit. Your visits can be kept to making sure her room is clean, clothes are clean, she's clean, etc. If you catch her on a good day, stay longer. I would say a monthly visit is the minimum to make sure she's getting the care she needs.

I have a mother with Alzheimer’s in a Long term care facility. She has been there since she fell down and broke her hip last October. I visit her weekly. Sometimes I miss a week here and there because I live about 1 and 1/2 hrs away from the NH but I do my best to get in there because it’s important that the staff knows you’re a regular visitor. I truly hope that everyone in the nursing home is treated well to the best of the staff’s ability. My mom looks better and she doesn’t really know where she is. She just thinks she is staying at someone’s house. I let her think that because that’s what she believes.
I feel for you because you have a full plate of life with your own family. It’s not easy to make the time but if you can figure out a way to get out there at least 2x a month, I think it would be good just to make sure she is taken care of.
I find mid-morning visits are the best time. She’s never agitated at that time. I visit her in her room and I always bring her food. It’s one of the few pleasures she enjoys these days. Also I have found that late afternoon visits are not good because that is the time she starts to get agitated.
I hope this helps you.

Perhaps you could hire a Visiting Angel to do your visits and facilitate a FaceTime call and reporting back to you about her living conditions and personal hygiene. If you make a list of Mom's belongings, the Visiting Nurse can take an inventory.

P.S. Time is irrelevant to a dementia patient.

Keep visiting as much as you can. Don’t stop. Doesn’t matter if she can only remember or tolerate you for 10 minutes. It’s ok.

Guilt is a funny thing. The only person to alleviate guilt is you. Your mom is difficult. You have your life to live. You love your mom and she loves you too.
please don’t feel guilty about doing what you can. Sounds like you feel you should do “more” but realistically you just can’t.

Visit when you can, for the amount of time that seems like your mom can handle. Perhaps a FaceTime call if one of the aides can help her. Try it see how it goes.

You are right, she doesn’t remember. It wouldn’t matter if you spend 5 hrs a day next to her. And you’d still feel like you weren’t doing enough! Dementia is such a hard disease, you want to do what you think you should, but it just doesn’t matter in a way you want it to. That probably doesn’t make sense.

Do what you can, and please don’t feel guilty. You sound like a good person and a daughter who wants the best for her mom.

Java15: Imho, to ease your own mind, visit when you able, perchance for a shorter duration. Then you will let go of the perceived guilt, while also checking on your dear mother. That is okay if she cannot recall the visit as she is not expected to do so.

that is what happens with patients who have alztimers! i suggest you just go with the flow - you have nothing to be guilty about. just give love and be on your way.

My mother had vascular dementia for about ten years and she passed away at 90. I helped as much as I could with love and patience. Afterwards, I didn't have much guilty-feeling or regret.

I know myself and I would feel guilty if I didn't visit. As others said I would try to visit as much as possible as long as it doesn't interfere with your FT job.

My mother also has dementia (she is 96) and is extremely forgetful but she does remember me. Dementia is interesting because parts of the brain will remember and other parts will not. My mother can't remember my Dad's name but she remembers how to play gin rummy.

I think it's about priorities: your kids or your Mom. Your choice.

Best to you and your Mom!
Jenna

Stop by and visit when you can.
Make the visit short if a longer visit agitates her.
To calm her go just before a meal so that when she begins to get upset they can bring her to the table and she will begin to settle as she knows the meal is part of her routine.
If you are looking for anyone to ease the "guilt" you have for not visiting the only one that can do that is you. No one can "make" you feel guilty but yourself.
To ease that "guilt" you do one of 2 things.
Visit. Yes I know it hurts, that is not the person you know as mom. She may not know you but you know her. Isn't that what matters?
or
convince yourself that you don't visit because it upsets her ( you)

I will mention that I have read studies/theories that people that are in Memory Care or Skilled Nursing do better when there are family visitors on a routine basis. Simply because the staff is aware of the fact that family visits, and they notice if their loved one is not getting attention. (and when you do visit PLEASE greet the staff, say good morning, good afternoon, say good bye when you leave, treat them how you want them to treat your mom)

If you can visit on the weekends, then go once or twice a month. Once your mom gets agitated then tell mom you have an appointment then leave. Ask her when she wants you to come back next time. I always asked my dad when he wanted me to come back & what he needed me to bring him. My dad wanted bananas, grapes, Sauerkraut, Beef hot dogs, condiments, milk, buttermilk, cottage cheese, cranberry juice, apple juice, Oatmeal cookies, Cheese & crackers, ice cream pints & variety of snacks, water bottles, Dr. Peppers by the case. I always kept his refrigerator stocked. The meals served at these facilities get old over time. They need snacks for in between meals and once kitchen closes in the evening. I always let my dad tell me when he wanted me to come back to visit him the following week & what time. I let him think he was in control. Sometimes, I would see him twice a week. I would stay for hours getting him updated on what everybody was doing in the family from my siblings, grand kids, mama, even my husband plus what I had been doing too. I always asked for his opinions on matters. My dad would update me on everything that was going on at the assisting living facility. I would stay for hours and enjoyed my visits. Now, after he passed away, I miss those visits so much! Look in your mom's refrigerator is it empty? Does she have one? If not, can you bring a small College dorm style refrigerator there? ask them. Then ask mom what she wants you to bring her. food, snacks, and drinks will really put a smile on her face and you two can bond.They need something to eat later that evening. Those meals served to them over time get very old for them, Please do not give up on her. I always visited papa in his room because it was more private and personable. If my dad was sleepy or moody, I would tell him I would come back the next week. This started happening his last year of life but I still saw him weekly unless my husband and I went out of town. Things will get better over time. Do not worry about what your mom can remember. Remember she has has Alzheimer / Dementia. Get over her not having a memory. Just be there for her. Brush her hair, put lotion on her arms or hands. Check her nails & toe nails they probably need to be cut. Be caring and loving towards your mom. Hold her hand tell her you love her and miss her even if she does not remember it! You'll feel better by telling her. My mom has dementia last stage - her memory is about 2 seconds! I've been watching her for almost 4 1/2 years. I take care of her like I would want to be cared for daily. She tells me thank you, I love you, blows kisses, when things get testy I take a deep breath & exhale. Sometimes a short walk works clearing my mind. My mom is like my barbie doll. Every day, I change her gowns, diapers, put deodorant, body powder, body lotion, style her hair & even spray it because I have to look at her and I know she feels better too. Forget the guilt but try to make a special effort when you go doing things for her. The smallest things means the world to them. Take her a plant & water it each visit, take her some magazines, does she have a fidgety blanket? Are there pictures on her walls? I promise you will miss your mom once she has passed away. Stop focusing are your mom not having a memory live in the moment!