How do you cope with being a caregiver for your Father whom you love deeply and a narcissistic Mother who is jealous of daughter?

I don't know about you, but I have zero tolerance for abuse of ANY kind! Why should she be allowed to abuse you when you are so selflessly caring for her husband? Let HER take care of him for a few days, and I bet she changes her tune!

Only you can allow/ prevent someone from treating you poorly. You deserve better.

It is a sad situation...If you argue back with her, perhaps it would upset dad. May God bless you in your struggles.

Grace + Peace,
Bob

You deserve better.I have had the same situation my dad recently passed.My mother neefs everyone undivided attention.She treated my dad who I adored terribly.Cause his illness wasnt all about her.Her nasty emotional abuse to me were unbearable at times.When I was ready to throw in the towelI considered calling APS
But my darling Dad would have ended up in a nursing home
I learmed to just tune her out and focus on my goal was to make dad as happy and comfortable his last year.
Being a caregiver is hard enough and dealing with a self centered N. Is something else.I am blessed the days I spent with dad and I refused to let her take that away
Hang on to the good.Which in my life was the love of my father
I will pray for you

I might suggest a counselor or psychologist in addition to a psychiatrist. Psychiatrists usually focus more on medication. Psychologists and counselors focus on helping you develop additional coping skills. Also I would suggest finding a caregiver support group to help you to have a support system that recognizes your ares of struggle around caring for aging parents. I will pray for you.

I agree with the above allowing your Mom to help with the care giving. Let her do whatever she is capable of. I care for my 86 year old mother with dementia, and have family members that are jealous so I will include you in my prayers, this is a most difficult situation.

God Bless!

Oh brother rom what you've written, can I relate to you. No siblings either, but didn't know mom was jealous and such til way, way after his death.
Good job on recognizing what she is, Cleo0467; that it has a name. (I just thought mine had a right to be angry even if it was all the time oh please... years later she's still full of it) In hindsight, knowing that I'm one of SO many would have helped.
Forums like this one, and ones like narcissisticmother.com would have helped greatly. Youtube videos on the topic - amazing at how many informative videos are there.. I've found the "best" are from ones who are living it, and reading the comments under the videos have helped me since.
They all seem to have the same traits, these mothers (and others) and learning how others have handled it seems to help.
One thing I've read over and over again is that the only thing they respond positively to is flattery; strategize to work that in your favour.
Another thing I've read and learned over and over and over again is that they hate to be challenged, so some say don't bother.
I agree you don't deserve any of this behaviour especially from someone who should only be loving and supporting you, especially at this time and circumstance, one would think.
Good on counselling - from what I've read not all get the n thing as much as one would hope, and that if you feel they don't get it, then find another.
Meditation and prayer do help, too.

I don't mean to be assumptive, but you said the n word, and provided many examples of traits of one. Its a deep well, but it can be dealt with. I just wish I knew then what I knew now.
Bless you for being so good to your Dad, and I know you've been good to your Mom too-- but I bet its never good enough...
After all is said and done, you will carry the good memories of the love you showed for your Dad and that I can say with full confidence, is something that you will always gratefully cherish.
Wishing you the best!

I had a huge weight lifted when my Mom was diagnosed with a Narcissistic personality disorder. I assumed that her rants, and remarks were all my fault. I have now set my boundaries with her. If your parents can afford outside help and you can limit your hours of caregiving, I would do that. Stick to this forum, you are not alone. Good luck and God bless.

Mmmmph. Bless your heart. Praying dor you, today and everyday. You are in a hard spot, bit keep being there for your dad. K No telling what jealois may do. )

I too had this -But mine was with my daughter- her controlling husband was really bad at being a narcissist- He got to where he started telling her she could not afford anything- that she is going to be all by herself and no one around to take care of her when he is out of her life- (who was taking care of her-(me) he even said the nurses get paid to wipe her as-, She cried to be cleaned and not to lay in her waste- to use bed-pan-- she was bedridden from a bike accident- crushed pelvic -could not move for 3 mos.I was with her 24/7. -at hospitals- and he had the nerve to tell her that I was to blame for them divorcing- and when she told me this I left. She is still with the controlling narcissistic. I think she thinks she can not get a man to love let alone like her. For she has MS- and is on the large side-240. anyway- we haven't spoken in a year. My husband has no leg muscles and is in wheelchair she want even call her dad to see how he is doing- and he had nothing to do with this heavy mess. She did call one day last week and wanted to know why I don't push him down ramp and take him places- -He said nothing ( he too weighs 220) and has not accepted his life in wheelchair. We're 70 years young- and no help - I cook ,clean and wash for him and him- so she say's I'm to blame for his not being outside --- After my husband of 53 years is gone and look who is left alone me - But I will have my Lord.. A long story,but we all have to deal with life in same way- Give to the LORD and let it go.

My survival tactics to deal with my Narc mother: complement her on traits that look like compassion (I don't want to be The Judge, but experience with her shows me that it's all usually about her needs). Her latest behaviors with my ailing father looked like Lady Gaga on steroids in her 90s visiting her x husband. She took on the physical traits like a bad actress while taking control over her time with my father, preventing me from having a quality minute with him. But at least this looked like she was a loving caring person. I knew this whole show was really all about my mother fraught with her own history, trying to erase her guilt of abuse, infidelity, and a bad marriage. I found the whole scene hard to witness. Dad looked bewildered and helpless: like he always did!

For my own peace I am trying to look deeply to find the two people who, like myself and all of us, are very imperfect, and to seek in my own heart some compassion for them in their last years. Not easy peasy!

As my dad has declined, I got a new wave of emotions to deal with. My mother is narcissistic and even sociopathic as she seems to get pleasure from emotionally hurting others. We have 10 hr a day care for dad through long term health insurance. She openly wants my dad to go to a nursing home because she "can't stand" having a stranger in the house. He is lonely for her company but she doesnt care and just takes her xanex and other meds to sleep most of the day. The caregiver wants to take my dad to the senior center for some company but she says its too far (4 miles). My opinion and advice were marginalized by siblings as in childhood. I had conveniently forgotten about all these awful emotions but they came flooding back with my dad's illness. I was take by surprise that these memories of my mom being narcissistic during childhood could flood into me now. I have had therapista before and a recovery program. This unsettling of my normal emotional life needed more. I have been using EMDR to treat myself. I learned that having this type of mother leads to PTSD based on our emotional abuses/neglect during childhood. Caring for my dad beought it all front and center again. I am happy to say the events and EMDR have given me a chance to heal even more than I had before. It IS your mother. She won't change. At first i thought PTSD was just for soldiers. Apparently, its not. Care for your dad and care dor yourself with your mom. EMDR work has gicen me the ability to detach from the anger and sadness of being with my damaged mother.

Explanation/correction : i didnt treat myself with EMDR. I used a highly skilled professional to lead me.

I too went through this same situation. My father was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma and it was a short but fierce battle. My only sibling died of alcoholism 13 yrs ago so I was his primary caretaker, by choice. Mom has a milder former of scleroderma so my two youngest children and I were already living with my parents to help out at home. My mother, after dad's diagnosis, did not participate in any of dad's care. She spent the first 8onths drinking heavily; so much so that while I was getting my dad admitted for the firat hospitalization of his LIFE (up to his diagnosis he was extremely healthy) I also had mom in the ER for alcohol poisoning. She was hallucinating and had been complaining of violent tremors every morning.
After a 5 day hospital stay, denying any alcohol use or pain medication abuse (mom loves her Oxycontin) we are back in the ER again while my dad is still in the hospital. She now has overdosed on her meds while drinking. I'm running between the ER and my dad's room, attempting to catch oncologists and psychiatrist, and stay sane.
My mother never went to one chemotherapy appointment, one doctor's appointment, one hospital stay, NOTHING. Oh, I'm sorry. She did visit him for 30 minutes during the last 18 hrs of his life. He was in the back bedroom of our house and ahe couldn't be bothered to get off rhe couch to check and see if her needed food, something to drink, his trash thrown away, anything. But during every hospitalization when I i left in the morning I was asked, "Are you staying all day again?" and when I came home at night I was always asked, "Are you going again tomorrow?" My poor dad, who had no idea what was happening to him, didn't know what to ask the doctors and nurses, was SO lonely at the hospital and ahe wanted me to sit on the couch with her. She managed to gain 55 lbs in 9 months of his illness and then demanded that I take her to a doctor 2 hrs away because she wanted someone to fix her stomach. When my dad passed away my daughter and I made all the arrangements; mom had no desire to be go.
In the 7 months since he's been gone, she has been hospitalized already for acute kidney failure. This happened once before; when I discovered MY husband was molesting MY daughters. She was so distraught over "why this was happening to her" she stopped eating and drinking, and spent 8 days in the hospital. Poor self care when she needa attention. She has seen multiple psychiatrists and psychologists, yet stops after 3-4 visits. Refuses medication. She currently takes an antidepressant only because after her last trip to the ER all meda were removed from her possession and ahe doea not know which one it is so she cannot refuse to take it; another trick she's used in the past.
I have watched my mother fake fall, fake stumble, pant, rapid breathe and wheeze. I have wasted so much time and energy on doctor's appointments and hospital appointments and tests. I wish i had answers for those of you who are in similar situations. As for me, I pray for patience and the strength to endure.

To me there seems to be two priorities here, according to your post. They are your dad's care and your state of mind. I would try to arrange care in the home for your dad so that you can get out more and away from your mom.

If that is not possible, then I would bide my time caring for dad and planning my departure for after he passes. I would make all the plans such as job, apt., car, budget, etc. I would set everything in place so I would have a smooth transition for after your father is not the reason you have to stay there. I would imagine having a plan and knowing that you are looking out for yourself would bring you much comfort and happiness.

Living in a dysfunctional house is very harmful to your mental state. I don't know of any way to make that work long term. Discuss it with your therapist and get their input, but unless there is a very compelling reason, such as your dad's daily care, to stay in the house with her, then I see no reason to subject yourself to that kind of abuse. Life is too short to live with a miserable and abusive person. I wish you much luck and success.

cleo, is your mother considered as your father's primary caregiver? Since it is their home, I don't think that you can do anything about it. Are you living with them or do you live somewhere else?

I live with a mother who can be abusive. She is very self-centered and there is no way to get her to see beyond herself. I no longer try to get her to have empathy toward me or others. I know it is not something she is capable of. What I do for myself is remind myself that it is not me, it is her. I give her wide berth, which is a shame because I live in her house. To keep my sanity I just do the things I need to do. I treat her with respect, but I don't try to make a mother out of her. I hope that makes sense.

Is it a happy existence? No, it's miserable and I don't deserve it. But it is something that needs to be done. It can be hard to imagine sometimes that I can even be related to my family members. Sometimes I feel like the rock in the midst of a flock of fluttering sea gulls.

Lisa, it sounds like your mother may have full-fledged borderline personality disorder. There are some good sites about BPD on the internet. It may help you to understand if you read about it and watch some of the videos that have people with the different categories of BPD. The disorder is devastating on children and I feel the devastation you are going through with your mother. I can also tell your mother is dependent and needs to have someone take care of every aspect of her life. Sometimes all we can do is pull our emotions back and do the things that need to be done. It helps a lot to think of yourself as a professional, just doing your job. A professional can show respect, but doesn't have to get sucked into the emotion. You are doing the best you can, Lisa. I wouldn't depend on any support from your mother at all. You have my sympathy.

Dealing with a Narc mother is a terribly difficult thing. I know, I've been dealing with one for the past 58 years of my life. Sigh. My Dad was The Thorn In Her Side forever & ever, & everything he did was 'wrong' in some way. His pain wasn't 'real', he was a big 'baby', and there was 'nothing wrong with him', in her mind. He passed away on 6/23/15 from a large brain tumor that had been growing for God knows how long, causing him tremendous pain & difficulty. The best 'advice' I can give you is to establish boundaries with her, and then stick to them like glue. Limited contact is best (when No Contact is impossible). Don't internalize anything she says to you, and find some down time for YOU. In other words, get out of the madhouse as often as possible. Unless a person has dealt with a Narc, they just don't 'get it'. It's an impossible situation with no great answer.

Wishing you the best of luck & sending you a big hug today, my friend.

the only way your mother will get it...is to treat her the same way!!! give her what she is so good at dishing out!! im sure you will feel better too!!

lisar1963....wow...you've been thru soooooo much!! let your mom do what she has to do...sounds like she has a death wish...and don't feel guilty...its NOT ur doing! take care of yourself and your family!!

Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do except: 1.) Tune out completely & don't listen to her, or 2.) Give it right back to her.

I have a selfish, narcissistic mother. She is 87, and EVERYTHING is about her. If one of her friends calls & starts talking about their health issues, her response is "Well, what about me? I ________________(fill in the blank with health problem)." She has no ability to listen or hear (never did), she has no ability to absorb anything anyone else is saying (never did), she doesn't even pay attention most of the time (has always done that), so what I say doesn't even register with her. I try to write it off as early dementia, but when I really think about it, she's always been like that. Imagine growing up never having your feelings validated, never being allowed to feel sad, angry or any negative feeling, being told that "Children should be seen & not heard". Thank God I went away to college & lived in a major metropolitan city for several years & then out of state for several more before I came back to care for her. She thinks of nobody but herself, "It's my house & I'll do what I want to do with it" (even if what she "wants" to do is unsafe), never takes anyone else into consideration when she does things.

I have learned to ignore it, pretty much. I scold her for unsafe things she does, but it doesn't matter. It's just to satisfy me, that's about it. The way I see it, I am not going to change her after 87 years. I'll only drive myself crazy, and it's not worth it.

You need to get a psychiatrist (who can dole out meds) AND a psychologist. Don't respond to your nasty mother! Say nothing, as hard as it is!

My mother was a first class narcissist life long. She knocked me about and put me in a hospital when I was 6 ... it never got better after that and I spent a lifetime avoiding her. Like a true narc she was sweetness and light to all she met, though she'd never lift a finger to help anyone, not even her own parents as it was too much trouble, never mind she lived around the corner, had a big car and didn't work. Growing up if that's all you see you think these narcs are the norm and you will bear the scars they inflict on you forever.

Along with me, she treated my father like dirt. he got a puppy and wanted it to sleep in the bed ... my father said no dogs in the bed so she took herself and the pup into the spare room. For thr last 12 years of my father's life he slept alone and went everywhere alone. Any supposed misdemkeanour was met with niot speaking to him for weeks, merely slapping his food plate on the table and storming off.

After a lifetime of jumping to fulfill her needs, wants and whims (which were never good enough his heart gave out. Just before he died he came to my house, said "Your mother will never be happy with anything" and hugged me - first time he'd ever done so ( scared of her I suppose ... we were both terrified of her)

She screamed down the phone every day for years and sent the cops if I didn't answer, even while in the NH. Changed my phone number, made sure she didn't have my address, blacked out driving my truck at 85 and had a nervous breakdown, hid in the house for months.

She passed away in a NH last week, thank the lord. It's a challenge to deal with her stuff but I'm getting there. Having sold my home and quit my career to care for her in her home for four horrendous years and continuing to give her everything in the 3 years she was in a NH, I have no regrets.

I see things more clearly now. My mother's father was a narc (grandma was planning to divorce him in her 80s), her brother (who she never spoke to since I was a child) was a narc as well and Mommie Dearest was the narc from hell.

Frankly I choose to believe that she was mentally unstable her whole life and, in that fought, I can forgive and get on with my life.

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. My mother is a malignant narcissist and has been for forty years. The best way to deal with a narcissist is to act like you hear the wind blowing. No matter what we do, it's going to be wrong in their eyes. If there is more than one child, they choose one as a golden child that can do no wrong, and the others are considered a scapegoat. The scapegoat can do nothing right and gets blamed for everything. Your mother sounds like she has chosen you as a scapegoat because she is jealous and not the center of attention. A narcissist has a high sense of grandiosity. They lack empathy for others because they are consumed with themselves. Beneath the superior being that they think they are lies an individual that is vulnerable to the slightest criticism. Just keep taking care of your Dad and let her vengeful words roll off of your back like rain. God bless you!

Here are a few ways to help when coping and having to deal with a narcissist.
Determine which type you’re dealing with. Vulnerable narcissists don’t feel particularly good about themselves at heart. In contrast to grandiose narcissists, they’re less “out there” with their emotions, and so you might not realize when they’re undercutting you or getting in your way. If you’re trying to put people in your family or on your work team to best use, the grandiose narcissist might be your best ally—as long as you can get that person on board with your overall group’s goals.
Acknowledge your annoyance. As noted above, narcissists can be antagonistic and get under your skin. If you’re trying to get something done, and one person is always interrupting or trying to shine the spotlight on himself or herself, recognizing where your frustration is coming from can help give you the strength you need to put a stop to it.
Appreciate where the behavior comes from. Vulnerable narcissists need to make themselves feel better about themselves, which is why they can become sneaky and undercutting. They may question your authority just to create mischief. Once you recognize that they are coming from a place of insecurity, you can provide them with just enough reassurance to get them to settle down and focus on what needs to be done. Too much reassurance and you'll fan their egocentric flames, but the right amount will allow them to calm down and get to the task at hand.
Evaluate the context. Narcissism is not an all-or-nothing personality trait. Some situations may elicit a person’s insecurities more than others. Let’s say a woman was turned down for a promotion she wanted very much, and now must continue to work with the person who got the job. Her insecurity will only worsen with time, leading her to become defensively narcissistic, vindictive, and spiteful. If you know a person like this, it's important to remember that the situation helped create the monster with whom you must now interact.
Maintain a positive outlook. If you are dealing with narcissists who derive pleasure from watching others suffer, then seeing the pain they cause will only egg them on to more aggressive counter-behavior. Don’t look ruffled, even if you’re feeling annoyed, and eventually that behavior will diminish in frequency. Furthermore, by keeping the previous tips in mind, you may be able to help ease the situation so things actually improve.
Don’t let yourself get derailed. It’s easy to lose your own sense of purpose or goals when a narcissist tries to take center stage. You don’t need to attend to everything this person says or does, no matter how much he or she clamors for your attention. Find the balance between moving ahead in the direction you want to pursue and alleviating the vulnerable narcissist's anxieties and insecurities. If it's a grandiose type of narcissist, you may want to acknowledge his or her feelings but then move on anyhow.
Keep your sense of humor. Calling a narcissist’s bluff may mean that you ignore the person, but it might also mean that you meet that bluff with a laugh at least once in a while. Without being cruel about it, you can point to the inappropriateness of the person’s egocentric behavior with a smile or joke. This would be particularly appropriate for the grandiose type of narcissist, who will probably find it entertaining and possibly instructive.
Recognize that the person may need help. Because some narcissists truly have low self-esteem and profound feelings of inadequacy, it’s important to recognize when they can benefit from professional intervention. Despite the belief that personality is immutable, psychotherapy research shows that people can change even long-standing behaviors. Bolstering the individual’s self-esteem may not be something you can tackle on your own, but it is something you can work on with outside help.

Allyson......I nearly choked when I read the suggestion to get a Narc mom 'professional help or intervention'. What narc is going to TAKE outside help of any kind? In my NMs eyes, she is perfect and in need of NO help of any kind. In a quest to get her some VA Aid & Attendance widow's benefits, the doctor reported her to have significant memory loss, leading the VA to make the determination that she's incompetent to manage money & needs a fiduciary appointed. NM wasn't even slightly happy that she'd been APPROVED for the funds, only angry that her doctor had had the nerve to MAKE such a statement.

And the band played on.

By the way, don't forget to mention Flying Monkeys in your description. You know, all the 'outside acquaintances' who the narcs rely on to do their dirty work. All the poor souls who think how WONDERFUL she is, and would do ANYTHING for her. Sigh.

Cyndi...........what your NM is doing is known as 'gas-lighting'.......twisting a story & the so-called 'facts' to make YOU look like you're insane! For my entire childhood, mom told the story of how her dad had used matchsticks to burn under their fingernails if they dared to speak at the dinner table. Several years ago, when I brought that story up, she said it NEVER happened and that she'd NEVER told such a story EVER. Really? Who's crazy here? She's making it look like I'M the liar & the one to tell tall tales when in reality, it is SHE.

wow....what could be WORSE than having parents who are whacked out of their minds and are shrewd enough to convince others that they are telling the truth!!!! I've met several people like that in my life!! Vicious and hateful people..life will catch up with them!!!

sometimes I wonder if the narcissistic people haven't learned it from someone in their family, like their mother or father. sometimes they say we are what we see or learn, unless you know how to break the cycle. some people just think the world revolves around them no matter what, wishing good luck to all of you