In the last 3 months my mother in law was diagnosed with dementia and stage 4 brain cancer and stage 4 lung cancer. She had a major stroke ten years ago and it left her wheelchair bound. She is quickly going down hill. Not sure exactly how much is dementia and how much is the brain cancer but she is so mean and hurtful to me and my husband. She accuses my husband of killing his two brothers ( he only has one brother) she berates us both constantly with every mean thing you could ever think of. Before all the recent health issues she was such a sweet kind person which makes all this even worse. I can see my husbands heart break every day. Any suggestions on how to handle this?
She's dying so why hold back
Please talk to her neurologist and oncologist about medications to decrease swelling and also to "calm her nerves." I assume that your mom is not a candidate for aggressive treatment of her brain cancer. See if her doctors will write a prescription for hospice so that she - and you - will get help to keep her comfortable.
Best to focus on COMPASSION and do this 'mind training' when not around MIL. To be ready to separate 'who she was and how her brain and body is now.
* Be ready to feel sadness, pain, hurt.
- Prepare ahead of time how to shift (compassion)
- Take a break - a walk for a couple of minutes - anything to interrupt the interactions if momentarily.
* Exercise - get the feelings out in healthy ways.
* Role play to deal with it before it is in real time.
* Agree with her - all the time. Do not set up ANY situation where there is arguing or correcting her. "I know how you feel" . . . "I wish I had a magic wand" . . . "I love you."
It hurts and moving through grief is the only way to move forward and not get stuck in the pain. It is not easy and my heart goes out to both of you.
NEVER FORGET. It is the changing brain 'talking' not the MIL you used to know.
Touch Matters / Gena
He was on a morphine pump so I knew logically, he didn’t mean it.
I would walk outside, sit down on the parking lot curb, and bawl.
Its not easy, it still hurts our hearts, but their “social filter,” is gone.
My father was twice as awful.
I hope I don’t leave my life, mean. 😇
What helps me, and seems to help my mom, is to tell her very kindly that she might not realize it, but that right now she is having some trouble with her memory, and that really truly here is what the case is and that we all love her. Your case is more extreme. I wonder if there’s anything your husband could say that would help her feel better about whatever is her reality in the moment, maybe something creative. Must be really difficullt.
I am so sorry for all the loss that you guys are going through.
It is most likely the dementia and the brain cancer that has altered her reality. Which absolutely stinks.
Have you guys tried to acknowledge her and maybe say I know mom, it was an accident and we are so sorry? Give her a hug and say we miss him too? Things like that.
It is so very difficult to lose a child, we feel like we are supposed to go first and it messes with our ideas of the natural order of things, especially when it is sudden. She is coping with that in her broken brain and that makes it even harder, because a healthy brain has a hard time processing such a loss.
I know than you guys don't have much to feel joyous about right now but, I would encourage you to find ways to bring laughter into the home. It will help all of you and it does bring hope during difficult times.
I pray that you all are given grieving mercies, strength, wisdom and laughter from The Lord God Almighty during this difficult time. I pray that your MILs journey is made easier. May God bless you all richly.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
Find out what the Psychiatrist can do. If the testing for cancer shows its not curable, I would call in Hospice. Yes, family still does most of the work. But you get an aide to bath her. A Nurse will check in every few days. She will get morphine to help with any pain. You can get respite for a few days.
Has she been evaluated for hospice? She may not need it yet but it'll give you time to do a little research.
I am not talking about "drugging" her. There are meds that will address moodiness and agitation.
Time for mil to move to your husband's brother's house! Let him take his turn. This is one of my pet peeves -- that it's usually just one sibling who does all the care.
Do you do most of the caregiving, or your husband? How long has she lived with you? Is your H her POA? HCPOA? What are her finances? Is it time for her to move to a facility?